Saturday, December 31, 2011

2012 Resolutions- Everyday Is December 31st

It's that time again. The time when most of us become very reflective of all the events that have occurred over the past year and invent ways in which we will do things differently in the year to come. I was never big on the whole New Years resolution tradition. After all, what's a resolution? In the New Years sense, there is an understanding that this is a time in which our conflicts end and an actionable outcome is clear. But during the occasional conflicts that I have encountered in 2011, most have been resolved by now or I have at least reached a point of contentment on the current state of the issue.

It's just weird to me that we end the year thinking of problems. Though we strive to find a more positive direction, no matter how insignificant the issue, the point is....we end the year reflecting on problems. There is a general want for a new/fresh start. But my new start began way before this, and I'm very anxious to continue the journey. 2011 was full of starts and endings, rewinds and fast forwards....everyday of 2011 has been my December 31st.

The only resolution that I have for the New Year is to stop making these resolutions in the coming New Years. I want to focus on what made the year so great and what lessons I was blessed enough to learn from the trials. I want to sit around with friends and pop open a bottle of champagne and not wonder "What do I need to change?" or "Who/what do I need to get rid of?". I want to take in everything that has happened, recognize my blessings and simply smile.

Sometimes we get so caught up in our failures that we overlook our successes. We forget to allow faith and intuition to naturally guide us toward our goals. We forget time is not based on one day but it is continuous. No matter what we have or haven't done thus far, each day we are taking a baby step. Even when we make mistakes. So pat yourself on the back for the baby steps and especially for the giant leaps!

It is my opionion that most people are driven by their core values. Hence, as long as your values remain unchanged, your "resolutions" should always be the same. These are things that should not change whether it's June 1st or December 31st. Every day, you should have the resolve in your life to fulfill your values and life purpose. Recognize that 2 months ago you were closer than you started...so relax and celebrate! Thank god you made it this far!

On the flip side, goal-setting and to-do list make my world go round. Setting side time to get organized is always good. But let's save that for January 2nd....and then again for January 3rd...and everyday EXCEPT December 31st. Party like a rock star baby, give yourself a gold star, and save the lists until February!

Happy New Years and Congratulations on all the hard work superstars!

Monday, October 4, 2010

Introducing: Courtney Allen

Hello again world,

Please visit my new website  CourtneyAllen .  The site is only three days old, so please come back and visit to show your support.  Thanks!

Courtney

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Daily Dose: A Person Who Is Free & Only Associates with the Brave



My Morning Prayer


I've never been one who has ever feared my potential...the older I get, the more I learn that people fear their own courage and the courage of others. Not me! I'll never be quick to back down. I know my value and I know I am blessed. More importantly, I know courage does not mean fearless...it means being fearful but still pulling through. THANK YOU GOD for my courage and not allowing me to be ashamed of it.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Resurrected

Hey Everyone...I'm back from the dead! LLS. It's been almost a year since I've updated this blog. I began two new blogs after I stopped updating this one. One that is less personal and one that is for work and professional. I recently decided to come back and make some updates concerning my personal life. I figured that after a 10 month hiatus, I've lost a good number of fans and my personal life can still maintain a certain level of privacy. However, I will be beginning a new personal blog some time in the near future that I will make a little bit more public than this one and the one I have on live journal. I will not be deleting either one of these as it is always interesting to look back and see where I've been and how I got to where I am today. Until I make the switch over to a new personal blog, here is my 10 month update since we last spoke....


CAREER

I graduated from Carnegie Mellon University last May.  Wow...it was a long, rough road getting that degree but my crazy, insane tail finally made it after SIX years.  I thought I would feel really far behind all my friends considering I graduated two years later but it seems that I've charged full speed ahead.  I'm still not quite where I anticipated and I am still slightly playing catch up to my long-term goals but I know, as an adult I have to have patience.  Unlike many of my colleagues, I do not have a fear of turning 30.  Maybe because it's still five years away.  As of right now, I am excited to see who I am then.  It will not happen fast enough.  In your 20s it seems that you are driven by your will but 30 something year olds seem to be more driven by their wit.  I look forward to being smarter because the thing about being driven by your will is that you are more prone to be reckless.  Impatience tends to get the best of you and you gradually become a self-fulfilling prophecy of all that you fear.

I went on bit of tangent but to continue...it took me awhile to find a decent job like many of the people these days.  Initially, I was working part time for a law office as a legal assistant and was only bringing home on average $400 a month.  Needless to say, during that time I had to move in with my dad.  That was not as bad as I expected it to be because we actually got along fairly well and I did feel taken care of despite our rough history.  It was then that I learned the benefit of savings.  All throughout college, I was forced to save because I was pretty independent and I had to figure out my tuition payments.  So when I left and had a hard time finding a job, I had enough savings left that I could get by on only making $400 a month.  I still was able to save even though I was not making much.  Of course, the fact that I did not have any real expenses at the time also helped (I deferred my student loans).  I enjoyed the time of not having any real financial obligations or stress.  I really couldn't remember how that felt like.  During that time, I was able to discover a lot about myself and I began a couple of small projects.  I currently have put them on hold b/c I did have to get an actual job but I will begin working back on them some time around the end of the month.

Anyways, it took me about 9 months after graduation to find a full time with benefits.  I now am working as a Marketing Analyst.  I had 3 weeks to make the big move from Baltimore, Maryland to Henderson, Nevada back in February of this year.

I must say that even though I am lucky to have job security and I have a decent paycheck, I eventually plan on heading back east.  Nevada is just not my cup of tea.  In addition, I want to be closer to family and friends.  I've been spending too much money on airfare flying back and forth.  Not only is it expensive, but most importantly, it is exhausting.  I flew out last week and then I have to take that 10hr plane right (total round trip) for the labor day holiday.  It is hard meeting people out here as Nevada is a very strange, and unique place.  I live right outside of Las Vegas and in a recent study, the city was ranked the #1 most stressful city in the US.  Who has time for stress?  I'm going back east.

Furthermore, even though I am getting considerable amount of experience at my job, I know that it's not where I should stay.  Without going into much detail, it seems that too many people are leaving.  I was always of the school of thought that when you see animals flee, you follow....and people are fleeing....I'm not quite sure why as I am a newbie but I think it is safe to say that I should not stay long enough to find out.  But as of now, it's neither here nor there.  I've just been thinking and am beginning to reconsider some things.  Who knows what the outcome will be.

FAMILY

I have to say that I am on pretty good terms with almost everybody in the family.  Me and my mom still have a couple of kinks to work out but there is nothing that is too serious or pressing.  My niece and nephews are growing up so fast it's wonderful.  My younger sister and the kids had moved to Hartford County for a little while (she moved in with her kids babysitter after a falling out with my mom) but is back living with my mom.  She left the kids with the babysitter for a week (which may not have been a good idea) and when she finally got her kids, Tristan had a fractured collard bone which had been like that for days and Jelauni had a cut on his face that still had dried blood on it.  After that, my sis moved out.  My older sister bought a house and recently added a new addition to the family, King, a German Shepherd.  He is a 4 month pup and Jaylen just loves him.  Me and my younger sister, although we have very different values I still feel like on some level we have a good understanding of each other.  My older sister and I have very similar values but the way each of us goes about accomplishing them is completely opposite.  But all and all, everything is all gravy.

On the downside, I recently lost my grandmother this month. Her birthday was yesterday.  She would have been 83.  Hence, why I flew out to Baltimore last week.  I had to take bereavement leave to go to the funeral.  I wrote a poem which I read which I will post later.  If you know me, you know that I've always considered myself to be pretty close to my grandma.  She had Alzhimer's Disease so her death was a bit bitter sweet.  Watching someone go through that disease is hard...especially someone who was previously so full of life.  As Jawai said "she's finally free".  R.I.P.  Patricia Thompson.

 FRIENDS

Love them! My friendships have been up and down and up and down throughout my life.  But I feel that my friendships now are much much more stable.  Probably because we are all grown and do not have time for that petty shit.  We have learned the value of having extended support and know that what you put out in terms of people is what you get back.  I have cut who I've needed to cut and kept who I needed to keep.  And that puts a HUGE smile on my face.

Being from Baltimore, I've grown up with such a unique dynamic between me and my friends.  I've worked hard and I've played harder (Work all day, drink all night! yea).  At the end of the day, that lifestyle was nothing but trouble.  I am so glad to be free from it because it was immensely skewing my perspective on life.  Anyone who has grown up in lower middle to poor urbanian here is just a piece of advice:  Be careful to heed the friendship and advice of failures because the only support they can really give you is to support you in a quest toward failure.  Make sure that your friends from "'round the way" and "bookie and dem" are truly down for you being a better person.  Make sure you are surrounded by strong-minded people who have a strong sense of identity and an unshakable value for love.  Your friends should not be trying to compete with you, hurt you, talking down to you, trying to suck your precious time with their drama, and most importantly.....they should SHOW UP...and I don't mean when you are in need of a possie to help you in a fight.  That's not support, that's just people who love drama and not necessarily love you.

I thank God each and every day for helping me understand the value of real friends and I hope he continues to bring people in my life who will support and cherish me.  Thank you Jesus!

Other friendship news....everyone is basically getting seriously coupled upped, having babies, getting married, etc....we all are really growing up...and I am anxious to see how we all change and who we all become.

Hmmm...the only real story right now on the friendship front is that I recently cut off a friend that I was semi-cool with for the past six years.  I will not go through the whole shabang....to make a long story short, I just felt like it was time to dissolve the friendship because I was too grown for her.  I understand people come into their own at their own pace but if you are going to lag behind the rest of the world as far as your development of common sense is concerned, you better come with a bit of humility.  She was way too selfish and ingenuine and I just got tired of wasting my time on someone who was more or less childish.  She also was exceeding judgmental towards other people and I've always found that level of judgmentalness to be somewhat disgusting.  It goes against what I believe.  I think people should be humble and approach people with a level of tolerance and understanding.  She was way too much of an attention seeker for my taste.  Even though she's not fit for my life, she's not a horrible person.  We just were not compatible.

Oh...also, I have to send a shout out to baby Ava who was born back in March.  I also reconnected with an old high school friend.  She's recently divorced, in med school, and has the cutest little son...so a shout out to him as well.

LOVE

I am currently in a relationship with KDT.  The friend described above who I recently cut off encouraged me to do the online dating thing (apparently it has worked with A LOT of my friends).  Within about two weeks of joining blackpeoplemeet.com, I began talking to KDT and we have been dating since labor day weekend of last year.

Since my move to Vegas, things seem to be getting rockier and rockier.  In addition, I've learned that I have a lot of baggage....more so than what I thought was there.  I used to think that my baggage came from having really bad experiences but I'm learning that my baggage primarily stems from the fact that there is a lack of strong women in my family.  A family is only as strong as its women.  I think without having good relationship reference points and having good relationship mentors, a relationship feels far from my comfort zone....and the more I stray away from my comfort zone, the more bitch is crazy I tend to get.  But it is what it is.

KDT is younger than me (not by much) so that is also an obstacle because his relationship skills are not that well developed either.  He can be very conceited and overly indifferent at times which to me, makes it hard for us to overcome disagreements or misunderstandings.  His occasional stubborn conceit and indifference, causes mountains to be made out of mole hills because he takes everything too personally.  We would have more of a good time together if he would learn to be warm and flexible and stop trying to be so emotionally controlled....a habit that I, myself, had to learn to break in the past.    

All and all however, I think the two of us have a similar approach to people and family.  We are both good people who strive to do the right things even though we are not flawless.  KDT is an absolute gentleman and I do enjoy being with him.  However, this past month or so, he has become very inconsistent and for me that is scary.  I do not trust inconsistence in people especially if they have a penis. lol j/k.  It seems as though at one point in time in our relationship we were planning a future with each other....now it seems as if I am still planning my life around us while he is busy planning his life without me.  He thinks that my insecurity in this regard is unfounded. They say actions speak louder than words but in this case even words have been spoken to allow me to draw this conclusion. His actions have always been pretty positive.  So what does that mean? When words don't match actions but it's the words that are bad and the actions that are good?  **shrug**

Maybe my thoughts are unfounded but I feel the way I feel so until those feelings subside, I am inclined to make my future plans with my own personal benefit in mind.  I am sure this is just a small hurdle that we have to get over but until it's resolved, it is what it is.  I have every faith that we will get over it.    

Thursday, November 5, 2009

I'm Movin!!!

Hello readers.

As I have written in the Note to Readers section, I am revamping my blog to be a little bit more light-hearted. To do this, I will be moving my blog to a different URL as I will make the blog under the new URL more public since it will be less personal.

Many of my friends have asked for my URL b/c they know my life is a freakin movie. However, I really do not want them to have access to some of my past journal entries.

I will post the new URL soon.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Facebook, Twitter, and the Like

It has been a while folks! Please take a moment to read the note in the right-side bar before reading about today's topic. I am back bitches! Enjoy :-)

As I mentioned in "Note to My Readers", this accessibility to people's lives has got to stop! I think it is great that our worlds are so much more expansive now and I think that it is great that we can learn from other people's lives and be part of a larger community. However, there are such things as boundaries.

I am getting sick of seeing ladies update their statuses regarding their dysfunctional love lives...it's sooooo not cute. I have cut and pasted some examples below:

Im Just A Gurl Whos To Kool To Give A Damn! Swagg Overrated! .Gottem Turning Ova Crazy. Jus The Bitch Every Nigga Want Cant Help Im Jus So Fucking Kool.Lol Why is she worried about me?lame-o!

Bitchs Kill Me Claim To Be 5*'s but there niggaz on me.Gottem Turning Ova Crazy. All These Bitchs Love Me N I Love Them Fuckers 2..IIL's

in church....fam2 is really buggin!!!! lord, y do we gotta have this attatchment!!!!!! uuggghhhhhh....

fam2 is jus soooo lame...all yo do is cry cry n cry! get a grip...i dont want u!!!!...u cant force sum1 to want to b wit u...u f**ked up now im gone n my heart is drawn to some1else!!!!.....*my boo*



I am also tired of people posting statuses to reinforce their confidence as copied and pasted below:

...jus wonderin how many of my "friends" would still b here if i was really down in out, or sick or disabled????

Come on girlies, you are making yourselves look desperate...and I am saying this in the nicest way possible...just trying to keep it 100. I have been guilty as charged, but it is coming up that we are waaaaayyyy too old for this shit. All you are doing is validating people who do not matter.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Wonderfully Normal Day

There has been a lot of changes going on in my life. I've been making so many moves, failure is not even an option! I'll give a full length update some time in the future but in the mean time, take a moment to watch this clip. When I saw it on TV I thought that it was absolutely hilarius and decided to share. The first half is funny...the second half is corny. Enjoy!




I apologize for the poor quality of the video.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Hippie vs. Business Woman

Lately I have been feeling kind of bummed. Maybe it's because I've received a visit from my monthly friend...or maybe I truly need to figure some things out.

As I mentioned in an earlier entry, I am in a great state of flux even though this is the most stillest I have ever been. I feel like I'm at a stalemate and that I'm being held at a disadvantage. I am using marginalization as a form of protection. Yet, I feel like I am undergoing a wise temporary surrender...otherwise known as Endurance.

I am having a hard time figuring out who and what must be given up in my life. I am trying to hold on to truth and integrity and stay true to myself but....how can you hold on to truth when you do not know what the truth is?

It seems that I am a person who has always sat in the fork in the road. I have spent my whole life weaving this intricate web around me. It's been a good thing because it allows me to have options. But now I have so many options that I really do not know which road to travel.

It's not that I feel that each road has the same level of happiness and I want to know which is the road which will give me the most happiness. Rather, I feel more concerned about which road is will allow me to do the right things in life.

For some reason, it feels that no matter which road I choose...it may all lead to the same outcome. Maybe that's what people mean when they talk about destiny.

I never believed in destiny, but lately I have been entertaining the thought. Maybe there is a part of me that is uncomfortable with my so-called destiny...so I'd rather live a destiny unfulfilled by simply keeping still.

I'm just rambling and thinking out loud right now so much of what I'm writing may not make sense.

Maybe it is not about destiny...maybe it simply about not having it all. I want it all and seems that I have to choose what is I want and just what amount of things I am willing to sacrafice for it. I am weighing the scales of life.

I have made my way through life by going with the flow. I think my randomness, sense of adventure, and open-mindedness have been my strongest suits. But these suits seem to be soooo last season because they are surely not working for me now. I cannot just go with the flow and follow my inner emotional pendulum.

I have to rationalize and stick to a logical decision. I'm good at rationalization but not when it comes to major change. When it comes to that, I strictly follow my intuition. Nowadays, however, my intuition is on pause and is somewhere taking a nap. Thus, leaving me soooo directionless.

Now I want someone to just tell me what I should be doing...because that is so much more easier. Without my inner pendulum working properly, I am all over the place. I go through more changes in one week than a baby does diapers.

For instance, what the HELL would EVER possess ANYBODY to undergoe a name change? And all of a sudden I have developed a growing passion for art. I guess next week I'll be talking about how I'm on some spiritual mission on my way to Bora Bora.

I need to be tamed. I'm like a wild, unbridled horse...just galloping along to nowhere. Is that a bad thing?

I've decided that yes, yes...it is a very bad thing. You know why? Because horses are not that many genes away from being jackasses...dumb, ignorant donkeys.

That's how I feel about my life in general. That I constantly teeter the line between donkey vs. stallion, white vs. black, rich vs. poor, money vs. love, hippie vs business woman.

We will see how this goes....


I'm sure in time, there will be answers.....

Friday, July 3, 2009

Ummm...Lasagna

So a while back, I added the page element entitled "Recipe Box". I must say that I have not been doing such a great job at keeping up with this posting...primarily because I do not want to have to erase and post another recipe. Therefore, I decided that I would occasionally post one of my recipes as an actual entry and I'll tag the posting as recipe box. That way, I do not have to erase any and anyone who is interested can look at ones that have been posted previously.


Today's Feature: Lasagna



1 tablespoon olive oil
1 medium red bell pepper, thinly sliced
1 medium zucchini, halved lengthwise and thinly sliced
1 pound shredded mozzarella cheese
1/2 cup grated Parmesan cheese
9-12 uncooked lasagna noodles
1 pound turkey Italian sausage
3/4 pound ground turkey
1/2 cup minced onion
2 cloves garlic, crushed
1 (28 ounce) can crushed tomatoes
2 (6 ounce) cans tomato paste
2 (6.5 ounce) cans canned tomato sauce
1/2 cup water
1 tablespoons white sugar
1 1/2 teaspoons dried basil leaves
1 teaspoon Italian seasoning
1 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon ground black pepper
4 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley
16 ounces ricotta cheese
1 egg
1/2 teaspoon salt
3/4 cup grated Parmesan cheese


1. Cook sausage, ground beef, onion, and garlic over medium heat until well browned. Stir in crushed tomatoes, tomato paste, tomato sauce, bell pepper, zucchini, and water. Season with sugar, basil, Italian seasoning, salt, pepper, and 2 tablespoons parsley. Simmer, covered, for about 1 1/2 hours, stirring occasionally.

2. Bring a large pot of lightly salted water to a boil. Cook lasagna noodles in boiling water for 8 to 10 minutes. Drain noodles, and rinse with cold water.

3. In a mixing bowl, combine ricotta cheese with egg, remaining parsley, and 1/2 teaspoon salt.

4. Preheat oven to 375 degrees F

5. To assemble, spread meat sauce in the bottom of a baking dish. Arrange 6 noodles lengthwise over meat sauce. Spread with one half of the ricotta cheese mixture. Top with a third of mozzarella cheese. Spoon meat sauce over mozzarella, and sprinkle with Parmesan cheese. Repeat layers, and top with remaining mozzarella and Parmesan cheese. Cover with foil: to prevent sticking, either spray foil with cooking spray, or make sure the foil does not touch the cheese.

6. Bake in preheated oven for 25 minutes. Remove foil, and bake an additional 25 minutes.

************************************************************


I'm also reposting the previous recipe that I deleted



Yesterday's Feature: Meatball Soup




1/2 lb. ground turkey
15 oz. garbanzo beans, drained
2 eggs
1/2 cup bread crumbs
2 tbs. grated parmasan/romano cheese
21 oz. chicken broth
14.5 oz stewed tomatoes, undrained
1 cup mushrooms, chopped
1/4 cup ditalini pasta
5 oz. frozen spinach
2 tbs. minced garlic
1 tsp. Italian seasoning
1 tbs. fresh parsley
1/4 tsp. garlic salt
1/4 tsp. pepper
1/2 cup water


1. In a large pot stir together garbanzo beans, chicken broth, stewed tomatoes, water, mushrooms, and Italian seasoning. Bring to a boil. Add pasta. After 5 minutes, reduce heat and simmer, covered for 10-12 minutes.

2. While sauce is simmering, in a bowl mix eggs, bread crumbs, parmasan and romano cheeses, parsely, garlic salt, and pepper. Add ground turkey and knead.

3. Shape meat mixture into balls at desired size.

4. In a skillet cook meatballs over medium heat. Turn occasionally to brown evenly.

5. In another pan heat spinach and saute with minced garlic.

6. Stir meatballs and spinach into sauce.

7. Let simmer for about 5 minutes.

8. For extra flavor stir in a desired amount of parmasan and romano cheese.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

I Am Changing




As the saying goes "there is nothing to fear but feat itself". I am a person who is always in a constant state of change. In fact, the only thing that does not change about me is that I am always changing. With each new chapter of life that I enter, I openly welcome new experiences and most importantly, I openly welcome a new me.

Recently however, because I am in a period of transition, change seems to have become such a disruption. I have yet to decide whether I feel disrupted because things are happening too fast and I'm being hesitant or that they aren't happening fast enough and I'm being impatient.

Either way, what ever state of flux that my life is in, it is more than apparent that I am a completely different person that I ever knew myself to be. I have witnessed many people grow more into themselves after graduating from college and it is interesting to see just what type of person someone becomes.

As I mentioned, I do not think people become different people, they just grow into their self. You can see just how good or just how bad a person is when they reach a point in life when they are obligated to leave their mark on the world. Some rise to the occasion, while others fall back.

I had a friend who was an uptight, straight A, always studying and never had a life, pretty conservative and not adventurous person. Her number one goal in life was to do well in school and get a financially lucrative and prestigious job. She reached her goal but quickly found that....it just wasn't her. She ended up quitting her $90,000/year job, moved to New York City, began working for a non-profit organization, and is in the process of getting her teacher's certification.

I had another friend who was what I would consider a pretty naive, sensitive, and week minded individual. But after college, she turned into a powerhouse as far as her career is concerned. She's definitely doing the damn thing, and is taking no bullshit. She has become very good at selling herself when before she used to sell herself short.

On the flip side, I had a friend who was always very ambitious and had a lot of hustle in her to get to where she wanted to go. But after college, she became one of the laziest people I ever met and her primary career goal is to simply fall in love and build a family....not that there is a problem with that, but the change from her being one way to being another way was pretty drastic. Nowadays, she has a lot of goals but usually needs someone to not just push her, but to really drag her, into seeing that those goals are fulfilled. Even though it is not really my thing, I admire the fact that we are so different because I really wish that I was more focused on building a family...as much as I want it, it is something that does not come natural to me. Just as as much as she wants to achieve certain goals outside of personal relationships, it does not come natural to her.

Because I graduated late, many of friends reached this point before me. Therefore in the back of my mind, I have always wondered just exactly who I was going to grow into.

I have found that my life is taking a more creative direction. I have discovered that I have a love for art and surprisingly I am very good at it...even for a beginner. Even though I started dibbling and dabbling a couple weeks ago, and of course am far from being close to a professional, many people think that I have at least been doing it for way longer.

I have learned that I am a humanitarian and am currently working with an old acquaintance on establishing a non-profit organization.

I have learned that I am a comedian and my greatest gift that I bring to the table is laughter.

I am also learning that I am easily swayed by pretty faces. I am not a girl who puts herself out there as far as men are concerned. Even though I've been told that I am a lot of fun, I have always been pretty adamant about not getting distracted by the opposite sex. But now that the pressure of getting my degree is off, I find that I am very unapologetically flirtatious and shallow. If I lived in LA or Miami where there is nothing but exceptionally beautiful men walking around shirtless...I'd be a full fledged hoe. I have learned that for me, looks substantially outweigh personality. I am a cheerleader who loves football players.

I recently came onto a friend's "interest". I say interest because they do not have anything going on but she likes him a lot...and he is fine as all hell. My ass came on to him right in front of her and this was before I found out that they weren't dating. I am currently dating this guy and he is real cool and nice but....he introduced me to his best friend who I flirt with right in front of his face. I was not hoish in the way that I approached these situations, as my intentions were not deceptive and under handed. I just reacted on what felt natural. After all, if I was trying to be under handed, I would have acted behind closed doors and not in front of anyone. I am not saying this to say that I am proud but I am showing people that this is the person that I am unfortunately/fortunately growing into.

Overall, I am growing in to a more free-spirited person than I was. I'm like a hippie. lol. "Peace, Love, and Friendship to all the pretty people." and "Universal Love for Everyone and Everything" have become my mottoes.

I think that as adults, we eventually revert back to our desires that we had as children. I think that most of the friends that I made reference to in this entry, eventually turned back into who they were as kids. I'm not saying that people grow immature or childish...I'm just saying we have basic inclinations that we are born with. I think that these inclinations are diluted through social institutions that teach us to discipline are natural urges. Once we get our "break out of jail free" cards, we go and do what we were born to do.

Because I feel that I have been locked in a bat cave for all these years because I was busy disciplining myself for the hustle, I would be lying if I did not admit that this new found freedom is slightly unsettling.

I have found that recently I have become frozen with fear. I have developed a latent lack of nerve and I am absolutely confused as to what it is I actually want. I feel that at this point in time, or at least before writing this entry, I have allowed my anxieties and fears to hold me back when I should be opening my mind to new and unexpected possibilities. I need to just trust my own intincts and not hope, but know I'll get what I want.

The majority of my anxiety stems from the fact that I have a lot of deceitful people around me...but with time, I need to know that will change as long as I do not let it affect me. I am learning that a little bit of sugar goes a long way and that the most influential leaders do not go and cut their adversaries to pieces. Rather, they show their adversaries the right way to do it and lead by example.

I am learning that the best medicine for dealing with under handed people is to include them in your life as opposed to them including you in theirs. That's how you get pulled down by the negativity when you allow them to draw you into them. The key is to draw them into you. But most importantly, don't give up on having faith in people.

Oh yeah...one more thing...

I really did go and have my name changed. Before getting an official court order for a change of name, you are required to publish your name change notice in the newspaper. That's why name changes are thought to be expensive. Filing for a name change is not that expensive...especially if you qualify for a filing fee waiver. However, publishing the notice in the newspaper is can be very very expensive. But I researched some small newspapers and only have to pay $30 - $80 to publish the notice.

Once I get my name change published and subsequently receive an order from the court, I can officially use my new name.

Stay tuned....I'll announce the new name soon. (Yeah, I know I'm crazy but I'm crazy and happy!)

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Determined to Live My Life as a Simple Bitch!

It is no surprise to all those that know me that I am probably one of the most simple bitches that you know. Comedy Central is my bible, Katt Williams is my preacher, and Ron White is my daddy. I will forever have an adamant addiction to adult cartoons like South Park, King of the Hill, Family Guy, and others that come on adult swim. Sarcasm, wit, humor, and being carelessly blunt hallmark my life. I do not take life seriously and even when it seems as if I am taking life seriously, I am rolling on the floor laughing my ass off on the insides...only close friends know this about me. People who do not know me well usually take me seriously when I'm latently giving them the okey-doke. Even on this blog...

I think I'm one of the few people who wonder "Why is Mr. Crabs daughter a whale and why is he so concerned with the Crusty Crab flooding when she cries if they live in the water?"

Anyways, staying true to character, and embracing the simpleton that I am...I have decided to CHANGE MY NAME!!! I am a non-committal person and me and the name that I have carried for the last 23 years have been together waaaayyyy too long. I am getting bored with being Courtney Nichole Thompson.

So what randomly brought this on? Well, surprisingly it was not that random. I have always wanted to change my name. Don't ask me why, I really do not have a real reason...at least not until now.

The reason why I never actually went through a name change was because 1) I had too much shit surrounding school in my name and 2) I thought that it would be kind of ridiculous to answer "because I just felt like it" when people ask me "Bitch, what the hell possessed you to change your name?".

I am in a transition period in my life, so what the hell...might as well go for it. It can't hurt...especially for a free spirited person like me. If all else fails, I'll change it back. Whateva Chedda.

So I have come up with a really lame reason for changing my name, but it is a reason none-the-less.

A friend of mine recently found out she was pregnant and we decided to look up baby names. We happened to stumble upon the website Kabalarian Philosophy in our search for a baby name. I really do not know much about this shit, but I am guessing it is something like numerology or something crazy. Anyways, it basically tells you how your name effects your personality and your life. Coincidentally, we happened to stumble upon this site when they were giving away free name reports (which stops on July 20th). So...because I can never turn down anything free and I do have a latent interest in occultish type things (I am a Scorpio), I ordered it.

Turns out, my name sucks....correction, it's more middle of the road and I hate being the middle of the road. In response, I have ordered free reports for names that I think I may want to change my name to. I'm changing my middle name to Courtney and I'm keeping my last name. That way, people can still call me what they've been calling me.

We will see how this plays out....

Oh yeah...if anybody cares, I have pasted the report below:

"
Your First Most Used Name

Your name, Courtney, makes you clever, proficient, and analytical. You could be
inventive along practical, mechanical lines. Your natural skepticism is overcome
only through factual detail and logical proof. You are independent and positive in
opinion, original in your thinking, and a stickler for logic and reason. Drawn into
hard work and detail, at times you long for new experiences and adventure. Any
new undertaking holds appeal, but you tend to attract limited opportunities that
involve considerable monotony and result in feelings of repression and
frustration. Challenges hold your interest, but once your interest wanes, you
switch to something else, leaving your undertakings unfinished. You have an
inquisitive, investigative mind and a curiosity about life, along with an interest in
scientific matters.

You tend to live your ideas day and night, or else lose interest completely. You
cannot be pushed or driven, responding instead with great effort if you are
approached with proper consideration. Good manners, reliability, and honesty are
important to you, and you expect them in others. As you never forget an injustice,
it is difficult for you to forgive and forget. You take life seriously and tend to be
matter-of-fact and practical in your outlook, following established routines most
of the time.

Efficiency is critical to you, however, there are times when your over-exacting
and meticulous ways create misunderstandings. Lack of attention to details by
others can be very frustrating. You must guard against becoming satirical and
contemptuous, thereby creating bitter experiences in personal relationships. Your
changing moods make it difficult for others to respond to you appropriately. You
are not overly conversational unless there is something to learn from the
conversation. Social chitchat does not appeal to your practical nature.
Although you tend to champion causes and want to help others who are in lessfortunate
circumstances, you are not overly sympathetic nor forgiving. In fact,
you feel awkward and self-conscious when put in delicate situations, as you feel
your inability to be as diplomatic as you should be. You cannot stand ridicule nor
appreciate a joke at your expense.

You have strong likes and dislikes and often respond to hunches. Your first
impressions of situations or people are usually accurate, although there are times
when you are too naïve, causing you to trust people who then let you down.
The intensity created by the use of this name creates stomach and intestinal
disorders such as ulcers, growths, or constipation.

Your Surname

Your surname of Thompson creates a very friendly, happy, and spontaneous
family of people. They love parties, social activities, and entertaining. They are
artistic, musical, and creative, and respond to inspirational and
spur-of-the-moment experiences. They dislike system, order, routine, or
monotony, and are spendthrifty; it is difficult for them to save. They are very
self-expressive and their home life is usually in a commotion, for they are always
stirring up excitement and playing pranks on one another. They can be extremely
expressive and say things just for the sake of an argument and thoroughly enjoy
the humour and fun it creates. However, this name can cause emotional outbursts
and hurt feelings; thus they must learn to control their impulsive and emotional
nature. They forgive and forget easily, and display their feelings very quickly.
Love is their motivating force and they are very affectionate, giving, and
inspirational. They are not practical or interested in mathematics, unless their
other names bring out this influence. They basically lack self-discipline and
dislike self-denial. Although this name creates a happy, friendly family of people,
it destroys stability and accumulation. They can be over-emotional and indulge
their appetites, and thus have an overheated bloodstream, causing skin conditions,
liver problems, and emotional desires.

Your Combined Name

The combined names Courtney Thompson create a desire to be financially
independent, and an interest in economics and business affairs. However, with
this combination you do not realize the fulfilment of your ideals, even though you
enjoy a measure of financial stability and success. Just when opportunities seem
to be coming your way, you are overlooked in favour of someone else. You are
taken away from association with people and experience much aloneness. You
could experience health problems affecting the heart and lungs.

Your Business Signature

The business signature of Courtney Nichole Thompson takes you into
circumstances where you work independently in a leadership way, pioneering for
the benefit of others. You have to work hard with limited resources, facilities,
and conditions. This signature restricts your financial success by requiring you to
put far more into an enterprise than you get out of it, with the benefits of your
efforts going to someone else.

Your Other First Name(s)

Your name Nini has given you an idealistic nature with a desire to help others.
Your initiative often causes you to be the first to act when you see a need. Your
desire to help also makes you generous, sympathetic, and loyal in your
friendships. Since you are impressionable and receptive, you feel the misfortunes
of others very keenly. However, this name makes it awkward for you to express
your deeper thoughts and feelings with finesse and diplomacy to the extent that
your candid, sometimes blunt, manner of speaking creates misunderstandings
with others. Although you know what is expected of you, you feel awkward and
embarrassed when drawn into delicate situations that require extreme tact.
Because of this lack of verbal expression, you experience inner feelings of
frustration and repression which can cause you to retaliate.
This name creates a dual quality in that at times, you are compassionate and
understanding and, at other times, unyielding and strong willed. Being somewhat
self-centred, you learn through your own experiences, as you rarely take advice
from others. Yet, you are sensitive and very easily hurt and offended. You long
for praise and appreciation for your efforts, but others find it difficult to
understand you. If you perceive you are being taken advantage of, you can
become overly critical and complaining. On the other hand, when understood, you
can be very charming and affectionate, as you respond quickly to kindness and
sympathy.

You dislike monotony and system and enjoy being creative in an inventive way
whether it be in interior decorating, music, art, crafts, or other endeavours that
require versatility and skill. You enjoy working with your hands. You are imaginative and visionary, somewhat of a perfectionist, yet the results of your
efforts often fall short of your high expectations. A leadership position appeals to
you because you would enjoy directing others rather than being directed.
Being impulsive, you make hasty decisions, which you often regret after you
experience the results.

Your feelings are strong and you tend to react intensely to situations. This name
tends to create a quick temper, mostly because an inability to express your
thoughts and feelings with clarity leaves you feeling tongue-tied. The tension and
frustration resulting from this restriction could cause you to suffer with severe
headaches or sinus problems.

Because of your sensitive nervous system, over-stress and extreme tiredness could
cause nervous disorders, seizures, fainting, or dizziness. You could also
experience head tension such as headaches, weak eyes, or throat problems.

Your name of Court to the extent that you use it creates a very restless, active,
and versatile nature. You dislike monotony, system, or routine, and crave
independence, freedom of thought, action, and opportunities for change and
travel. Life is a challenge to you; anything that is new and different catches your
interest and you will devote time and effort until you have the satisfaction of
figuring it out, but once the challenge is over you are on to something new. You
have a humanitarian side to your nature and could be a champion of the underdog,
for you dislike injustice. Often you speak too directly and can create
misunderstandings and hurt feelings. You have attracted many disappointments
with people because you take them at their word and will often be let down. This
causes you to take a defensive attitude and you could become cynical. You enjoy
outdoor activities. You like to be individual and dislike doing what everyone else
does, just for the sake of association. With keen analytical ability, you seek truth
and appreciate knowing the reason "why". However, you are far too intense and
emotional and experience problems in your nervous system, tension in the
stomach and solar plexus, as well as uncontrolled speech. When depressed you
suffer with moods through self-pity.

Quorda is not a good name to use for it destroys creative ability, imagination and
depth of thought. It makes you a very practical, hard working person. Other
people find it difficult to get along with you because you are so set in your
opinions. You find it hard to show any warmth towards others. You show an
interest in the technical aspect of things. If anything mechanical needs fixing, you
are quite capable of fixing it. Your desire for heavy foods (meat and starches) can
result in constipation, ulcers, and intestinal growths.

Your name of Nichole creates a happy-go-lucky, idealistic, easy-going, but
over-emotional nature. If this name is used to any extent, you would be inclined to
take the easy way out. To smooth over any unpleasant situation, you prefer to
evade the issue rather than hurt others. You find it hard to save your finances;
money slips through your fingers quickly because you enjoy a good time and
others can influence you to part with your money. You create a good impression
by your appearance and your charming personality. You are naturally drawn to
people and love to converse with them. You enjoy social events and relaxed, easy
living, without pressures. This name causes you to lack system, order, and
concentration, making it difficult for you to follow through with your intentions
and live up to your commitments. Through over indulgence you could suffer with
skin or liver problems, an overheated bloodstream, or fluid troubles such as
overweight, kidney problems, or varicose veins.

Your Other Combined Name(s)

Your full name of Nini Thompson gives you the desire for creative outlets, for
much sociability, and for opportunities to give to and share with others. Although
you want active conditions and variety in your life, you are constantly dealing
with mundane, monotonous details. You are taken into surroundings where much
hard work is required of you, but you receive little in proportion to your efforts.
You can make progress through much perseverance and taking advantage of the
limited opportunities that do come your way. The successes you have are the
result of focused efforts. Seldom do favourable conditions come your way. Any
health weaknesses would show in skin, liver, or stomach problems.

Your Other Business Signature(s)

To the extent that you use the business signature of CNT, you are drawn into
situations where there is the need to give of yourself to help others. You attract
positions that require a great deal of individual effort with limited resources,
physical comforts, or conveniences. Invariably, you put more into an enterprise or
venture than you gain from it. The benefits usually go to someone else. You
pioneer many efforts, working hard, but just when you begin to make headway, or
have your goal in sight, someone else takes advantage of the situation to reap the
rewards that should be yours. There is little opportunity to draw upon, either in
your work environment or from personal contacts. This signature would not bring
you the financial accumulation you deserve.

To the extent that you use the business signature of Courtney Nichole, it would
bring you a degree of financial stability and success, but your expectations and
ambitions would not be fully realized. Your work environment draws you into
positions where contact with others is restricted with the result that your efforts
and capabilities are not fully recognized or rewarded. Opportunities or
advancement that you wait for all too often go to someone else.
Misunderstandings frequently arise in your business dealings making it difficult to
negotiate the most favourable terms, or bring arrangements to a fully successful
conclusion."

Monday, June 22, 2009

Just Thinkin: Still Up...

This weekend was really great and for some reason I get more energized when everything in my life is all gravy (or at least close to it). I actually tend to sleep more when things are not going my way and tend to be a lot more restless when things are going my way. Hence, the reason for the late night blog entry. I'll just type my thoughts as they come....

It seems that my late graduation was not in vain! Lol. Apparently everyone and their mama is making a come back to Bmore. I'm not complaining....after all, the more the merrier. I was a little scared after turning down a job offer and sticking by the decision to return home. Many people looked at me as if I was crazy, but I know what works for me. I am a person who will always have my priorities straight and I will stick by it no matter what. That has been the key to my success and I undoubtedly believe it will always be that way. I believe that the most successful (and happiest) people are those who stay true to who they are and stay focused on their long-term goals. Of course I want to have financial stability and a glamorous, well-respected job....but fulfilling that in the short-term by taking the job that I was offered would have got in the way of things that I plan to get done in the long run.

I want it all, and to get it all the first rule is 1) to learn patience and 2) to make smart decisions regardless of all the noise surrounding you (be it negative or positive). I do not believe the best way to happiness and financial success is to work for other people...and given this day and age with the economy the way it is, if you are going to work for anybody, it better be the government. I have always preached that people should invest in themselves and invest in their community. And that is exactly what I'm doing now. I am working on a couple of projects...some hopefully lucrative and one that is non-profit. I'll probably expand on this in a later entry particularly when these projects have made a little more headway. But I'm excited.

I must admit that I have been moving a lot more slowly regarding which direction I'm headed than I usually do. I guess because up until a couple of weeks ago I temporarily lost my motivation. Primarily due to the fact that I just graduated and was enjoying the break. But, break is over. It was fun while it lasted, but I was never comfortable sitting still. I am currently working but I'm not staying where I'm at very long...and I still consider my current job a part of my "break" considering it's just something I took for some extra cash.

Anyways, I usually cut people off around News Years or the beginning of Spring but I feel it is about that time again. Primarily because I am in a transition period in my life. I know of five friends who recently have not been holding up their end. Two of which I absolutely love to death and are a little surprised by them...regardless, they are still good people but I have realized that our priorities differ and our friendship has just about run its course. The remaining three, our friendship ran its course a long time ago...it is most definitely time for the ship to sail.

The funny thing is, as soon as I make the conscious decision to put them in my back pocket, they will inevitably start hitting my phone up. For some reason, that always happens. I'm getting a little too old for casualty. Casual relationships with people have always been my hallmark. But it is about time that I stop looking at people as stepping stones toward a certain goal and start really looking at them.

I feel like I'm in a building mode. As much as I value freedom and independence, it is time for me to start laying solid foundations toward building security...financial and emotional. Setting a foundation is tedious and boring, especially for someone who is preoccupied like me. But, if I want the life that crave, I have to do what I got to do. The more I see the value in it, the less of a task it will be. Surprisingly, I thought seeing the value in pulling back my freedom and independence and having patience was going to be an impossible lesson for me, but my life is headed in a direction that I never thought it would go...and for that, I'm thankful. I'm still keeping my fingers crossed that it will continue to go this way. Of course, their will be bumps in the road...but I think that I'm prepared for it.

In other news, I think that I saw Mr. Snake Guy the other day. I'm 90% certain that it was him. I always thought what would happen if I ever ran into him. Since Maryland does not seem to be that big of a place and everybody in some way, shape, or form knows everybody else, I was almost certain that we would run into each other. Blah! I could never decide if I should be cordial or if I should be a bitch. Truthfully, I really would just want to ignore him and keep it movin...not because I'm angry but I'm really just that far removed. Anyways, I saw him and did not bother to get his attention. I just smiled on the inside, laughed to myself, and thought "thank god that's over." And in those very few seconds of seeing him, I picked up on his swag and could not help but think "what in the hell did I see in that dude? Courtney, what were you on?"

What would be even funnier is if the dude that I thought was him wasn't really him. It makes you kind of wonder how many people have you been someone else to. I wonder if anyone has ever saw me thinking that I was someone they knew, ran back home and called someone and said "Guess who the fuck I saw today? You know Cassandra is looking awfully good these days". I wonder how many strangers have me in their pictures somewhere in the background, looking at my toes.

I have learned a lot about life within the past five weeks....probably more so than I have learned in my whole life. Or maybe I'm just smarter now and less hardheaded. It doesn't take much for me to learn a lesson.

I find that I'm still having a hard time dealing with issues of my past. I feel like I'm a private person with many skeletons in my closet. People do not really know me and on some level, I'm pretty sure that I'm a big ass question mark. I think people assume a lot of things about me because I really give them no choice but to fill in the blanks as to who I am and what has made me me. I am not really private just for privacy's sake, I think that on some level, I am afraid to be judged. I liked being looked at as the smart, college girl who has her life together. I liked being looked at as practical and drama-free. I wonder how people's opinion of me would change if they knew that I used to pop pills on the regular, I've tried LSD and Coke. My life has been fraught with trauma.

I have grown to become a very optimistic person, but I feel that if anyone was to ask me about my life experiences they may get the impression that I'm negative. Because as much as do not want to admit it, in my 23 years, I've had more bad days than good ones. Who wants to talk to someone who keeps bringing up bad stories. I have a lot of crazy, random, absolutely hilarious stories to tell as well. But, I feel like I've told all of them a thousand times over. I think that it is time for me to take the risk and unleash the skeletons. I need to have a little bit more faith in people. I think that is the biggest aspect of myself that I am currently working on. I is very hard because traumatic things stick with you...and with many people, trauma last a lifetime. People really do not understand that it really skews your perspective on many things. It is like walking through life being hearing impaired and without a hearing aid. You have to kind of figure out and some times guess what people are actually saying to you because a valuable sense has been messed up. It is very easy for you to misunderstand people and even easier for people to misunderstand you.

But I'm working on adding a hearing aid to my life. I've been working on it. And even though I'm still latently affected by many things in my past, I am determined to get the hell over it. I mean seriously...the shit is annoying.

Anyways, I'm finally sleepy has all hell.

Nighty Nite

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Just 4 Kicks: Cartomancy

So given my habit to talking to random people....I was sitting at the DMV the other day and this chic beside me started talking to me. I'm overly outgoing so I welcomed the conversation even though the chic was a little freaky. But whateva...to each its own. Anyways, the chic was telling me something about cartomancy. I still have really no idea what the hell it is....it seems to me that it is similiar to tarot or something but instead of using tarot cards, you actually use a real playing cards. I do not really believe in it, but it was a good and interesting way to pass away the time at the DMV. I let the chic do a reading and felt that it would be fun to post it. Once again, I want to reemphasize that I do not believe in this stuff...it's just for fun. Oh yeah, I told her that I just wanted her to pull the cards and not interpret it. I just wanted her to let me know if it was a good reading or a bad reading. Even though I do not believe in it, a part of me still appreciates the unexpected and I must say I do not have any interests in finding out weather or not I'll be hit by a bus tomorrow.


Love Life




Career





Relationship with Sister




Make A Wish (and see if it's meant to come true)

Sunday, May 31, 2009

R.I.P. Uncle Gregory




To Uncle Greg

God knew that you were tired
so he sent you peace
he asked you to come home
so he could put your mind at ease.

God knew that you were tired
so he whispered "Do not fear,
I have a cure for your unrest,
life gets better from here."

God knew that you were tired
so respite he assured
and when your calling came
you went home with the Lord.

God knew that you were tired
so he left friends and family to lurk
with tears of sorrow and tears of joy
to continue your work on earth.

God knew that they were tired
so before you went to bed
he left them all a message
to lift their weary heads...

"As the great book says,
do not loose heart
put a smile on your face
and be happy to have known Greg
before he had to depart"

And with these words
they praised him and rejoiced,
"Greg is the man and forever is our boy!"

Friday, May 29, 2009

Played By Myself

Played by Myself


I've tried to consolidate
the hundreds of impulses
that fill my empty days
but it's all in vein
it's all vein
I am learning that I am selfish
it's either that or I'm just confused
maybe I'm just delusional
or maybe I've been abused
My life is filled with maybes
and one-hundred million goodbyes
Yet
despite all my tribulations
I've yet to learn to cry
I feel that I am crazy
but they've told me that I am sane
but regardless
I still try
not to succumb
to my long forgotten drunken haze
But the bottom of the glass
is where I've learned to survive
because despite resilience
it's guidance
that I try so hard to find
The world is filled with people
who are ninety percent dumb
Consequently
here I lay
ninety-nine percent NUMB

I've been played by myself.