I hope everyone has a very safe night!


Happy New Year!

Long-Term vs. Short-Term

As everyone probably knows I will be leaving Baltimore to finish school in Pittsburgh come 1/12/07. I am both happy, anxious, and apprehensive. Of course, the fact that I'll be three and a half to four hours away is something that I have to deal with when it comes to Mister. He has made it apparent that he does not mind trying to work on the long distance thing. I appreciate the fact that he wants to put in the time and the energy to make things work between us but at the same time, I'm not sure if it is something that I want to do. In most of my dealings with men, I have been one who usually keeps my inner concerns to myself and just kind of let the guy take the lead and I just go with it. I think that this is the number one reason why I can become pretty withdrawn in my attachments.....I've learned that I need to stop keeping comments to myself. I blame the fact that I did not voice my concerns on my mother....because that's what she did....and I guess you can say it's learned behavior. Your parental interaction is the thing that most people subconsciously go by in terms of how they deal with realtionships....particularly with the opposite sex. I usually look at a guys parents to see what the guy himself could be about.

Lips wanted me to move to NYC with him. He had a good job and everything. I told him that I had to think about it....but in reality, I already knew what I wanted. I eventually told him that I would not do it but I gave him some bullshit ass reason as to why. I never really voiced my real concerns. My real concern was that I felt that was just giving up too much of myself when I have other plans for what I want to do in my life. The same went for my ex concerning the fact that he has yet to pursue a college degree. Jersey is thus far the only one I could ever see myself making any type of huge commitment to and that is because we are both focused on building good financial foundation before anything else. Money over bitches babes! lol.

In terms of Mister, he is in trade school to be an electrician. Electrician's make a decent living but I know that I'm going to be making hella money and I feel the need to be with someone who is of the same "yoke" as me. Furthermore, upon graduation, I really cannot see myself coming back to Baltimore. Before I got suspended, my job offers required me to relocate to Vegas, NYC, NJ, and OH. I personally want to go in live in either Cali or the ATL. Those are my long-term plans and in order for me to meet those goals, I may have to give up Mister. There is no point in wasting anyone's time when in the long-run it will not work out. I've developed into a very headstrung person as opposed to a heartstrung one. I absolutely refuse to be a wife that has to worry about paying alimony if the shit hits the fan. It's come to the point that I'm one of those modern day sister's who will have to make her husband sign a prenup.

I have learned to be straightforward regarding my needs in a relationship. I also learned to never settle when my needs are not being met. So on Friday, I had a long talk with Mister regarding my concerns. I told him that when I graduate, there is no doubt in my mind that I'm following the money and putting my heart on the back burner. By the end of the conversation, I decided that it was best if we give ourselves a trial run as friends. I want to see how things work over long-distance as friends first. If a friendship can be maintained, then we'll see how things go on from there. It is also a good way to see how really down he is for me. If he cares about me, he should still approach me the same way regardless of titles. I know it's been only two days, but so far, so good.

Once again, it is my belief that many young people react to immediacy. They rarely take the long-term into consideration. Next thing you know, they get at a cross roads and realize that a lot of time and energy has been wasted. Even those who look long-term are seldom realistic about it. People need to learn to strike a balance between short-term gratification and long-term needs. The best person for you is a person who allows both your head and your heart to tell you the same thing. If your head says you should stay but your heart is not in it....you need to go....If your heart says you should stay but your head is screaming DANGER! DANGER!....you need to go. No exceptions.

N other news....surprisingly the ex hit me up last night wanting to chill. I'm pretty sure it was a subtle booty call but I was just coming back from dinner with a homeboy so the situation came and went. I would have met up with him but if he did try anything I would of turned him down. Right now, I'm on this whole vowel of chastity kick. I do not want to have sex with anyone unless I'm in love. Plus, he has too much drama that comes along with him...who wants to have a booty call with strings attached. Not me. In a way, I kind of feel bad for him....he strikes me as a very lonely person. I could be completely and utterly wrong....but that's what I see.

Okay...there is more I have to write about but I'm on my way out to dinner with Mister..........


Until Next Time,


Lata Bitches!

Life is Oh So Wonderful.....

I think in my life I have struggled with finding some sort of emotional balance. It has been the greatest trial that I have had to face. But like all my trials, it is only a matter of time before I master it. I have a better understanding of people and I have a better understanding of myself. And I have learned to find the beauty in both regardless who or what type of people they may or may not be. I used to feel like a caged bird...a wild animal trapped in a zoo...but now, I feel more like an unbridled horse. I have stamina, grace, simplicity, steadfastness, patience, and stability. Like an unbridled horse I'm not possessive although I still maintain my stubborness. I have developed an emotional temperment that manifest itself as compassionate detachment.

I have fallen so head over heels in love with ME. Self-love is the greatest gift that God could bless me with. I look at the majority of people...and even the ones who claim to value themselves in high regard, I do not think they really understand what self-love really means. And it actually makes me feel bad. I used to have a very guarded approach to people....but now all I have is sympathy. For instance, the one homegirl that keeps hating on me and trying to manipulate everyone else into thinking I'm Satan's little helper....I used to resent her, but after last weekend, I realized just how insecure with herself she is....I think she really hates the way things in her life are....and I think she wishes she was someone different....and instead of hating her, all I wanted to do was hug her. To have that amount of self-hate is so so so sad. I think it's the worst feeling anyone can experience. I think the older I get, the more intuitive and sympathetic I become....I'm less reactive (I'm still slightly reactive....but not nearly as much as I used to be).

I've always been proud of the fact that I've gotton myself great opportunities as far as moving ahead in life....but nothing makes me prouder than becoming the person that I want to be. I still have some work to do but I'm getting there....

I can say without a doubt in my mind that I am not content...Rather, I am happy.

The Error of Your Ways

I've come to realize that the hardest thing for people to fathom about themselves is how they are in relationships. Our first instinct when it comes to our relationships is that we like to point the blame at the other person. But at the same time, people are creatures of habit. The challenge is correctly identifying those habits and learning the correct ways to fix them. Everyone has a bad relationship habit. I've tried many times to pinpoint mine but I think that I never quite get it right. When it comes to matters of the heart, it's merely impossible to be objective...most people automatically become emotionally selfish....no matter who's been hurt or who is doing the hurting.

I think that after dealing with Mister, it has become so clear to me what my bad habit is. I used to think that I had general issues with men but I'm learning that is not the case. I'm at a point in my life where my past no longer haunts me....so I'm pretty much over my issues with men....yet, I still feel like I'm following the same pattern. I've just been fortunate enough to find someone who has a lot of patience.

I'm realizing that my bad habit is a lot less complicated than being haunted by ghost in the past, my bad habit is merely that I'm self-centered. Looking back on my relationships with the different men in my life, I realized that initially they were more than willing to completely commit to me.....but there has never been any instance where I have been fully willing to commit to ANYONE! I am one of the nicest, most reasonable, coolest, sweetest gals a guy could have...but all that means nothing if I do not take the chance and jump through a few hoops for love. I'll do it for family, I'll do it for friends....but I've never done it for love. I am most definitely a wall....but I'm not a brick one. I'm a wall that's made of cobble stone and has pretty flowers growing around it....bad things lie on the other side of brick walls....but castles and royalty lie on the side of cobble stone ones. lol. It's definitely worth the climb ;-)

I've always been so centered on myself because I'm afraid of getting distracted from my aspirations. I'm a very focused young lady and I feel like love will deter me...The next thing you know is that you've fallen in love, given up your career, and the only meaning to your life is your 10 billion kids who hate you while your husband is away on "business" a.k.a. some great vacation that you can't go on because you gave up yourself to take care of 10 billion kids. I think that I do not have men problems....what I have is women problems....I absolutely do not want to be like my mother...at least as far as the way she deals with men is concerned.

I want to be able to have children and to not be so lovesick that I end up screwing them up. I'm in college, and upon completing my degree, I want to be able to move where the best job opportunity is and not have to worry about making any compromises....from both ends. I would never expect a guy to give up everything and follow me. There are too many variables at this stage in my life that to commit that much of myself to anyone is damn near impossible. Yes I'm an extraordinary person but I have yet to learn the concept of "we" in terms of relationships. Correction. I understand the "we" concept but I approach it differently. I look long-term and not short-term. At the end of the day, I still strive to do what's best for the two people involved.

At the same time, I believe the right person will understand this about me...and not only understand it but value it as well. Some people cannot see past immediacy but I can see clearly how one choice can have such a major domino effect....I look far ahead and I stubbornly stick by the fact that I know that certain risks are not worth taking. I am a firm believer that haste makes waste. I'd rather be patient and do things right than rushing into things and ruin what could have been a good thing.

That is why I am very grateful toward Mister. I have not been very receptive to him but I'm coming around. Slowly but surely. Even though there is a part of me that I feel he will never be able to reach, he is the first man that I can say who makes me want to change. He is the first man who has effectively made me see the error of my ways. I know that he feels that he can grow from me, but I have to admit, that I am growing from him as well. I do not feel pressured to commit with him...he is the first man who allows me to go at my own pace. Initially, he did come at me like all the other guys that I've been involved with and tried to push me into committing to them....but because he is not an emotionally selfish person and is very secure, it wasn't hard for him to "get" me....not only to "get" me but to appreciate it. Maybe it's not necessarily Mister himself, maybe we just are compatible in the way we communicate. So if and when there are problems, it's resolved fairly quickly.

I'm starting to realize that guys and girls are not that different. Correction. I've always known that guys and girls were not all that different, I'm going to give another example as to why. It is a standard that women are suppose to make men prove themselves (I'm saying it's a standard not necessarily that I agree with this standard)....men are stereotypically seen as the chasers....but in this day and age, women are required to do some chasing as well. I think that men are so fed up with chasing women that they all are on some secret strike. lol. Women are secretly required to chase. Men what us to prove ourselves to them. The only problem is, men have yet to master the art of being chased. Their fragile little manly egos makes them take everything too personally. They want women to jump through 1 million hoops before they budge an inch. Anyone who refuses to jump through those 1 million hoops is tossed to the side and gets slapped with the backhand with resentment. Men are resentful toward women who do not jump through blazin hoops of fire for them...especially if it's someone they're feeling.

What most men have yet to learn that most women have is that for every hoop someone jumps for you, you should at least jump through a hoop for them. That is what makes men look so selfish....but in all reality, it's not selfishness, it's fear. Men are more afraid of letting their hearts go, so they do more to protect it. They can only begin to make those baby steps only if they know that their chic is down for them.

So the lessons for today are:

Ladies: Know that men want love just as much as you do. Men are not emotionless creatures. They want to be accepted for who they are, they want to be worshipped Kings just as much as we want to be worshipped Queens. So jump through a couple of hoops without complaining. Sometimes to make a man a man you have to do what it takes to make him feel like one...and putting him down is not the way to go. Be receptive to his honesty. Men probably lie because we fly off the handle when they tell the truth.

Men: Give us a break! Women are held to higher standards than men but stop expecting us to pull rabbits out our ass. We're human. Just because a chic won't give up her complete soul to you, doesn't mean she ain't down....she's just smart....and you should fully appreciate a smart chic. Like they said in the movie Why Did I Get Married?, men have a tendency to trade in an 80 chic for a 20.

Both: Do not be so short-sighted. Do away with immediacy (unless you're like 60). Look realistically at building for the long-term. Stop being emotionally selfish...especially when you feel you are lacking something from the other person. Learn to communicate...be honest about how you feel. Learn the power of abstinence.

Before I close out this entry, I want to touch base on the last comment I just made. LEARN THE POWER OF ABSTINENCE. I have yet to do anything with Mister. Mainly because I want to do things the right way. Sex has a way of clouding your vision of who the other person really is. That goes for both sexes. That is the BIGGEST and MOST ACCURATE test you could ever give someone that you think that you can care about. That is the hoop. With that test, no other test is needed. And just because you may be sexual with your partner now, doesn't mean it's two late to perform the test. Before you take the vowel of marriage, see if the two of you can conquer the vowel of chastity

Disclaimer

Sorry people for all the spelling errors.....I was re-reading some of my post and realized that they need a lot of cleaning up. I've been busy lately, so I've rushed through writing a lot of my posts. When I get the time, I'll update you with more detail....but until then, I have to generalize most of my posts. A full fledge update will be coming soon.


Until then,

Lata Bitches!

Quick Updates

Finally it looks as if I have found a manufacturer for one of our clients. I started to think that it was never going to happen. We've been shopping for a manufacturer since September/October (we were suppose to start in July but one of our business partners dropped the ball...significantly). Everything is not concrete but this one manufacturer over in China looks as if they are going to come through. I'm excited. The faster I can make it happen for my client, the faster I can make it happen for myself. I received the manufacturer's contract in the mail today. Signed, sealed, and delivered. Now I have to send them the blueprints and our manufacturer version of our business proposal. This could not have happened at a better time because one of our client's investors was getting antsy. Because China doesn't have the same holiday season...hopefully, I can get everything movin by the first couple of weeks of the new year.

My Christmas was great but I must say that Christmas nowadays is getting unfulfilling. I think its because overall, Christmas is a selfish holiday. I think people have gone away from it's meaning. I think I need a new Christmas tradition. Next year, I think that I'm going to try to go away for Christmas....and if my finances do not allow me to do so, I most certainly will be giving my time to those less fortunate.

I go back to school during the second week of January. I'm more than excited! I feel like although I have had fun during my time off, I feel like my life has been put on pause. It's time to push play and keep it movin. I think that despite the unfair reason as to why I had to return home from school, I think that it was something that I needed. Because I'm a person who holds everything in and consistantly keeps movin full speed ahead, it was only a matter of time before I would crash. I'm glad that I had the year to relax and regroup because I was certainly loosing myself. If I had to describe my life two years ago I would compare it to a long distance swim. Life in general is like a long distance swim....not everyone will make it to the other side in one whole piece....some will arrive later than others. In my life, I feel like I'm a fast and strong swimmer....but during my journey to the other side, I've got caught in whirlpools, shark attacks, and I occasionally get cramps in my leg.....all without a rescue boat in sight...but despite all of that, I kept it movin. Even though keepin it movin has been a testiment to my will, it wasn't always smart. Resiliency has it's drawbacks when you never stop to heal. When you try to swim while you are wounded....it's only a matter of time before you drown. I never wanted to stop at any of the lighthouse stations because I felt that if I stopped to attend to myself, I would somehow fall behind. I've had to learn patience and really learn to take time out for myself.

Wishing Everyone A....

Happy Merry Christmas

May God bless you with family, friends, love, safety, and good food! Keep those less fortunate in your hearts and pray for all those who have lost their faith and their way. Do not forget the purpose of the holiday. Do not focus on your own needs and trials. Rather, focus on the needs of others. If you want to change the world, help the person standing next to you. If you're not smiling it's because you are too focused on self. Be all smiles this holiday :-D

**** Smootches ****

Back to the Middle and Around Again

So today I chilled with some of my peoples that I have not chilled with in a while. My homegirl, Jersey's sister, came in from the ATL late last week. Initially I figured that I probably would not be able to see her since I had stopped fuckin with everybody due to that big fight from over the summer....I had been accused of trying to steal people's men (i.e. my sister's ex-bf and Jersey's married brother). I think the whole thing started because one of my homegirls from the clic started hatin on me and started saying things that weren't neccessarily true. After the whole blowout, I thought that I'd probably never chill with them again....I'm one who is all for the peace and happiness and dealing with hatin ass chics has never been my thang.

N e ways...so Jersey's sister (let's call her Pookie) hit me up today and told me that she was going to come scoop me because she wanted to see my sister's new baby. Turns out it was just a ploy to take me hostage. lol. Apparently I had been missed by everybody. That actually surprised the hell out of me and most certainly made my day. Of course despite being able to chill with them again, it still was a little awkward.

For one, the homegirl who was hatin on me way back when (let's call her Muk)recently moved out Owings Mills with her boyfriend (let's call him D). Before moving out to D's new apartment, D had hit me up a couple weeks ago trying to holla at me. Basically, I've been to his new apartment before she had. I did not let anything happen because 1) I'm not interested in him in that way and 2) that's just fucked up. It was awkward because I kind of had to pretend that it was my first time ever being there. On top of that, she started getting emotional and everything because she was upset that she didn't think that I fucked with her anymore. It's not really that I stopped fuckin with everybody, I just really do not like being around drama. Particularly when my homegirls men come at me. I want to tell them about their men but for some reason I know that it'll more than likely come back on me. It came back on me without me even having to tell them. And considering that this has been my first time around them in since July, I definitely was not trying to bring any drama.

The second thing that made it awkward was Jersey's ex-gf....I'm not really sure what their status is so I don't know if they are back together or not. Judging by tonight, I do not think they are. She knows about me and Jersey. But she is woman about hers so it's never been any drama between me and her (there was one slight confrontation but it was not that serious). In all honesty, she's cool as shit. The awkwardness came when she got drunk and started crying on my shoulder about Jersey. It was just a little surreal....two chics who have fucked the same guy and one of them is crying to the other one about him. Both of us are mature individuals, do not like drama, are pretty non-judgemental, and go with the flow....so I guess that is why it was all gravy. But at the same time, it's definitely one of those moments in life when you are like "huh?". I was trying to be nice to her without being overly honest...and that was hard for me. The truth of the matter is, I feel like Jersey is stringing her along until something better comes his way. But of course, I could not tell her that....although I think she could tell what I was thinking. I told her that she just needed to focus on herself, that she is a good woman, and maybe that overall the two of them are just incompatible. Her father recently got locked up and a part of me feels like she's clinging to Jersey even more because of it. I told her that sometimes, you have to deal with things on your own...that's life...and you cannot expect a man to save you. She told me that "it was deeper than that". She wouldn't tell me how though. I told her what truly mattered was whether or not she was happy with him...she told me that she was happy with Jersey...my response "Then why are you crying?". Of course she eventually figured out that I was the wrong person to talk to because I am not one who can just sit and listen to someone cry. I have a really bad habit of trying to make people see what's real instead of allowing them to sit happily in the fog. I think that I need to learn to just shut-up and listen....because at the end of the day that's all that people want.

Another thing that made it awkward is the fact that I still like Jersey. I'm going to save that discussion for a later date. When I saw him after not seeing him in a minute I was thinking "ummmm, tasty". I'm not sure if him and his ex-gf are together, if they are, I most certainly will respect that. But if they are not, then that puts me in a weird position. His ex-gf is now a part of the clic, so I really do not know the "rules" regarding this situation (as much as I'd hate to admit it, unfortunately there are rules that we all subconsciously adhere to in the game of life). Unless someone directly insults me, I find it almost impossible to be underhanded. Maturity definitely gets you far....because if she did come at me like a bitch....being underhanded would be like second skin to me. That makes her a smart woman.

I think Mister is kind of warry about me being cool with them. I think he thinks that me being cool with them is going to decrease his QT time. But it really doesn't matter considering I'm leaving to go back to Pittsburgh in January.

Overall, my holidays have started out pretty good.

Just Fine, Fine, Fine....Ooooooo!

"Just Fine" BY MARY J. BLIGE

You know I love music
And every time I hear something hot
It makes me wanna move
It makes me wanna have fun
But it’s something about this joint right here
This joint right here
Its makes me wanna…..Woooh

Let it go……
Can’t let this thing called love get away from you
Feel free right now, going do what you want to do
Can’t let nobody take it away, from you, from me, from we
No time for moping around, are you kidding?
And no time for negative vibes, cause I’m winning
It’s been a long week, I put in my hardest
Gonna live my life, feels so good to get it right

So I like what I see when I’m looking at me
When I’m walking past the mirror
No stress through the night, at a time in my life
Ain’t worried about if you feel it
Got my head on straight, I got my mind right
I aint gonna let you kill it
You see I wouldn’t change my life, my life’s just…..

Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, ooooh
Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, ooooh
Just fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, ooooh
You see I wouldn’t change my life, my life’s just fine

Feels so good, when you’re doing all the things that you want to do
Get the best out of life, treat yourself to something new
Keep your head up high
In yourself, believe in you, believe in me
Having a really good time, I’m not complaining
And I’m a still wear a smile if it raining
I got to enjoy myself regardless
I appreciate life, I’m so glad I got mine
So I like what I see when I’m looking at me

When I’m walking past the mirror
Aint worried about you and what you gonna do
I’m a lady so I must stay classy
Got to keep it hot, keep it together
If I want to get better
You see I wouldn’t change my life, my life’s just…..
Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, ooooh
Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, ooooh
Just fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, ooooh
You see I won’t change my life, my life’s just fine

I aint gon’ let nothing get in my way
(I ain't gone let nobody bring me down, no, no, no)
No matter what nobody has to say
(No way, no way, no way)
I ain’t gon’ let nothing get in my way
No matter what nobody has to say

Feels so good, when you’re doing all the things that you want to do
Get the best out of life, treat yourself to something new
It’s a really good thing to say
That I won’t change my life, my life’s just fine

Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, ooooh
Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, ooooh
Just fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, ooooh
You see I won’t change my life, my life’s just fine

So I like what I see when I’m looking at me
When I’m walking past the mirror
No stress through the night, at a time in my life
Ain’t worried about if you feel it
Got my head on straight, I got my mind right
I ain’t gonna let you kill it
You see I wouldn’t change my life, my life’s just…..

Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, ooooh
Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, ooooh
Just fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, ooooh
You see I wouldn’t change my life, my life’s just fine

Allow Me to Re-Introduce Myself

Chello everyone!

For those of you who are just tuning into my life, I've just made the move from livejournal to blogspot. Feel free to check out my past journal entries at

www.livejournal.com/users/mystique_artist

I decided to make the move to blogspot because I wanted to loose some of my fan base. Correction, I wanted to loose two fans in particular. One was my ex-boyfriend and the other was his girlfriend. I do not associate with either one of them on the regular anymore so I was surprised to learn that they were still keeping up with my online journal. I know that my ex's girlfriend has a livejournal which I no longer keep up with because I really could care less about what goes on in her life......it's a little unnerving that she has felt the need to keep up with mine. It's only when I hear about my name coming out her mouth when I choose to puruse because she writes as if she thinks I'm keeping up with her life...she writes directly to me without realizing that I do not really read her shit. However from ths point on, if I do hear that she has some words to express about me, I'll do her and myself the courtesy of not looking (which will be so hard for me to do considering I'm nosey as hell). After all, if it was that serious, she would be bold enough to leave a comment on my page or better yet give me a ring. Just as I seek to write what's on my mind, she has a right to express her thoughts without much drama.

I have a problem with my ex-boyfriend reading my journal because I really do not like him having access to me unless it is by my own doing (i.e. when I get horny). In addition, he had the tendency to try to manipulate me from writing about him. I guess so his dear girlfriend wouldn't know that I fuck him from time to time. Honestly, I would not have fucked him last month if the chic just knew how to keep her mouth shut. I've written time and time again that I'm one who has a bit of a stubborn streak. If you demand me not to do something then I'm going to go out and do it. If you come at me the wrong way, I'm one who will sting you when you're not looking (I'm a Scorpio). For her to write lengthy journal entries concerning me because her imagination allows her to believe that I want her man, will only make what's in her imagination come true. She has the great ability of turning an invisible snake into a real one. I want to be able to write freely of every and anything concerning my life without having to be concerned about the drama that may or may not come with it. Because I used him as an example in many of my entries, he somehow was (and maybe still is) under the impression that I have feelings for him. Hahahaha. To me....he's just ass. Anytime I hit him up it's for an exchange of mutual benefit. Nothing more, nothing less.

After the last time that I slept with him (11/26/07), I decided that I really did not want to go down that road. I am currently with someone and the role of a cheater does not really suit me. I value my integrity and I do not believe in cowardess. If I'm woman enough to do something then I'm woman enough to say I did it. Furthermore, after not talking to someone for awhile and hitting them up later down the road, there is a point in time when you say "Now I remember why I stopped talking to this nigga". I forgot that he is what I like to call a "Potential". A Potential is a person who has a lot of potential but will never live up to it. Even sexually. I'm not saying that he is a bad fuck of anything....but he is bit of a bedroom snore. He is very passionate and aggressive....I love kissing him....but he cannot get comfortable enough to use his imagination. And I'm a gal who is all about the imagination. I'm a very mental person as opposed to a physical one....although I do have a pretty high sex drive. I thought about given him a couple more late night calls and then thought...nah...what's the point?

So that's basically the back story as to why I've made this the new home of my journal. I hope everyone continues to tune into my oh so theatrical, varied, random, profound, dramatic life.

Until Next Time,

Lata Bitches!