The Error of Your Ways

I've come to realize that the hardest thing for people to fathom about themselves is how they are in relationships. Our first instinct when it comes to our relationships is that we like to point the blame at the other person. But at the same time, people are creatures of habit. The challenge is correctly identifying those habits and learning the correct ways to fix them. Everyone has a bad relationship habit. I've tried many times to pinpoint mine but I think that I never quite get it right. When it comes to matters of the heart, it's merely impossible to be objective...most people automatically become emotionally selfish....no matter who's been hurt or who is doing the hurting.

I think that after dealing with Mister, it has become so clear to me what my bad habit is. I used to think that I had general issues with men but I'm learning that is not the case. I'm at a point in my life where my past no longer haunts me....so I'm pretty much over my issues with men....yet, I still feel like I'm following the same pattern. I've just been fortunate enough to find someone who has a lot of patience.

I'm realizing that my bad habit is a lot less complicated than being haunted by ghost in the past, my bad habit is merely that I'm self-centered. Looking back on my relationships with the different men in my life, I realized that initially they were more than willing to completely commit to me.....but there has never been any instance where I have been fully willing to commit to ANYONE! I am one of the nicest, most reasonable, coolest, sweetest gals a guy could have...but all that means nothing if I do not take the chance and jump through a few hoops for love. I'll do it for family, I'll do it for friends....but I've never done it for love. I am most definitely a wall....but I'm not a brick one. I'm a wall that's made of cobble stone and has pretty flowers growing around it....bad things lie on the other side of brick walls....but castles and royalty lie on the side of cobble stone ones. lol. It's definitely worth the climb ;-)

I've always been so centered on myself because I'm afraid of getting distracted from my aspirations. I'm a very focused young lady and I feel like love will deter me...The next thing you know is that you've fallen in love, given up your career, and the only meaning to your life is your 10 billion kids who hate you while your husband is away on "business" a.k.a. some great vacation that you can't go on because you gave up yourself to take care of 10 billion kids. I think that I do not have men problems....what I have is women problems....I absolutely do not want to be like my mother...at least as far as the way she deals with men is concerned.

I want to be able to have children and to not be so lovesick that I end up screwing them up. I'm in college, and upon completing my degree, I want to be able to move where the best job opportunity is and not have to worry about making any compromises....from both ends. I would never expect a guy to give up everything and follow me. There are too many variables at this stage in my life that to commit that much of myself to anyone is damn near impossible. Yes I'm an extraordinary person but I have yet to learn the concept of "we" in terms of relationships. Correction. I understand the "we" concept but I approach it differently. I look long-term and not short-term. At the end of the day, I still strive to do what's best for the two people involved.

At the same time, I believe the right person will understand this about me...and not only understand it but value it as well. Some people cannot see past immediacy but I can see clearly how one choice can have such a major domino effect....I look far ahead and I stubbornly stick by the fact that I know that certain risks are not worth taking. I am a firm believer that haste makes waste. I'd rather be patient and do things right than rushing into things and ruin what could have been a good thing.

That is why I am very grateful toward Mister. I have not been very receptive to him but I'm coming around. Slowly but surely. Even though there is a part of me that I feel he will never be able to reach, he is the first man that I can say who makes me want to change. He is the first man who has effectively made me see the error of my ways. I know that he feels that he can grow from me, but I have to admit, that I am growing from him as well. I do not feel pressured to commit with him...he is the first man who allows me to go at my own pace. Initially, he did come at me like all the other guys that I've been involved with and tried to push me into committing to them....but because he is not an emotionally selfish person and is very secure, it wasn't hard for him to "get" me....not only to "get" me but to appreciate it. Maybe it's not necessarily Mister himself, maybe we just are compatible in the way we communicate. So if and when there are problems, it's resolved fairly quickly.

I'm starting to realize that guys and girls are not that different. Correction. I've always known that guys and girls were not all that different, I'm going to give another example as to why. It is a standard that women are suppose to make men prove themselves (I'm saying it's a standard not necessarily that I agree with this standard)....men are stereotypically seen as the chasers....but in this day and age, women are required to do some chasing as well. I think that men are so fed up with chasing women that they all are on some secret strike. lol. Women are secretly required to chase. Men what us to prove ourselves to them. The only problem is, men have yet to master the art of being chased. Their fragile little manly egos makes them take everything too personally. They want women to jump through 1 million hoops before they budge an inch. Anyone who refuses to jump through those 1 million hoops is tossed to the side and gets slapped with the backhand with resentment. Men are resentful toward women who do not jump through blazin hoops of fire for them...especially if it's someone they're feeling.

What most men have yet to learn that most women have is that for every hoop someone jumps for you, you should at least jump through a hoop for them. That is what makes men look so selfish....but in all reality, it's not selfishness, it's fear. Men are more afraid of letting their hearts go, so they do more to protect it. They can only begin to make those baby steps only if they know that their chic is down for them.

So the lessons for today are:

Ladies: Know that men want love just as much as you do. Men are not emotionless creatures. They want to be accepted for who they are, they want to be worshipped Kings just as much as we want to be worshipped Queens. So jump through a couple of hoops without complaining. Sometimes to make a man a man you have to do what it takes to make him feel like one...and putting him down is not the way to go. Be receptive to his honesty. Men probably lie because we fly off the handle when they tell the truth.

Men: Give us a break! Women are held to higher standards than men but stop expecting us to pull rabbits out our ass. We're human. Just because a chic won't give up her complete soul to you, doesn't mean she ain't down....she's just smart....and you should fully appreciate a smart chic. Like they said in the movie Why Did I Get Married?, men have a tendency to trade in an 80 chic for a 20.

Both: Do not be so short-sighted. Do away with immediacy (unless you're like 60). Look realistically at building for the long-term. Stop being emotionally selfish...especially when you feel you are lacking something from the other person. Learn to communicate...be honest about how you feel. Learn the power of abstinence.

Before I close out this entry, I want to touch base on the last comment I just made. LEARN THE POWER OF ABSTINENCE. I have yet to do anything with Mister. Mainly because I want to do things the right way. Sex has a way of clouding your vision of who the other person really is. That goes for both sexes. That is the BIGGEST and MOST ACCURATE test you could ever give someone that you think that you can care about. That is the hoop. With that test, no other test is needed. And just because you may be sexual with your partner now, doesn't mean it's two late to perform the test. Before you take the vowel of marriage, see if the two of you can conquer the vowel of chastity