Life is Oh So Wonderful.....

I think in my life I have struggled with finding some sort of emotional balance. It has been the greatest trial that I have had to face. But like all my trials, it is only a matter of time before I master it. I have a better understanding of people and I have a better understanding of myself. And I have learned to find the beauty in both regardless who or what type of people they may or may not be. I used to feel like a caged bird...a wild animal trapped in a zoo...but now, I feel more like an unbridled horse. I have stamina, grace, simplicity, steadfastness, patience, and stability. Like an unbridled horse I'm not possessive although I still maintain my stubborness. I have developed an emotional temperment that manifest itself as compassionate detachment.

I have fallen so head over heels in love with ME. Self-love is the greatest gift that God could bless me with. I look at the majority of people...and even the ones who claim to value themselves in high regard, I do not think they really understand what self-love really means. And it actually makes me feel bad. I used to have a very guarded approach to people....but now all I have is sympathy. For instance, the one homegirl that keeps hating on me and trying to manipulate everyone else into thinking I'm Satan's little helper....I used to resent her, but after last weekend, I realized just how insecure with herself she is....I think she really hates the way things in her life are....and I think she wishes she was someone different....and instead of hating her, all I wanted to do was hug her. To have that amount of self-hate is so so so sad. I think it's the worst feeling anyone can experience. I think the older I get, the more intuitive and sympathetic I become....I'm less reactive (I'm still slightly reactive....but not nearly as much as I used to be).

I've always been proud of the fact that I've gotton myself great opportunities as far as moving ahead in life....but nothing makes me prouder than becoming the person that I want to be. I still have some work to do but I'm getting there....

I can say without a doubt in my mind that I am not content...Rather, I am happy.

The Error of Your Ways

I've come to realize that the hardest thing for people to fathom about themselves is how they are in relationships. Our first instinct when it comes to our relationships is that we like to point the blame at the other person. But at the same time, people are creatures of habit. The challenge is correctly identifying those habits and learning the correct ways to fix them. Everyone has a bad relationship habit. I've tried many times to pinpoint mine but I think that I never quite get it right. When it comes to matters of the heart, it's merely impossible to be objective...most people automatically become emotionally selfish....no matter who's been hurt or who is doing the hurting.

I think that after dealing with Mister, it has become so clear to me what my bad habit is. I used to think that I had general issues with men but I'm learning that is not the case. I'm at a point in my life where my past no longer haunts me....so I'm pretty much over my issues with men....yet, I still feel like I'm following the same pattern. I've just been fortunate enough to find someone who has a lot of patience.

I'm realizing that my bad habit is a lot less complicated than being haunted by ghost in the past, my bad habit is merely that I'm self-centered. Looking back on my relationships with the different men in my life, I realized that initially they were more than willing to completely commit to me.....but there has never been any instance where I have been fully willing to commit to ANYONE! I am one of the nicest, most reasonable, coolest, sweetest gals a guy could have...but all that means nothing if I do not take the chance and jump through a few hoops for love. I'll do it for family, I'll do it for friends....but I've never done it for love. I am most definitely a wall....but I'm not a brick one. I'm a wall that's made of cobble stone and has pretty flowers growing around it....bad things lie on the other side of brick walls....but castles and royalty lie on the side of cobble stone ones. lol. It's definitely worth the climb ;-)

I've always been so centered on myself because I'm afraid of getting distracted from my aspirations. I'm a very focused young lady and I feel like love will deter me...The next thing you know is that you've fallen in love, given up your career, and the only meaning to your life is your 10 billion kids who hate you while your husband is away on "business" a.k.a. some great vacation that you can't go on because you gave up yourself to take care of 10 billion kids. I think that I do not have men problems....what I have is women problems....I absolutely do not want to be like my mother...at least as far as the way she deals with men is concerned.

I want to be able to have children and to not be so lovesick that I end up screwing them up. I'm in college, and upon completing my degree, I want to be able to move where the best job opportunity is and not have to worry about making any compromises....from both ends. I would never expect a guy to give up everything and follow me. There are too many variables at this stage in my life that to commit that much of myself to anyone is damn near impossible. Yes I'm an extraordinary person but I have yet to learn the concept of "we" in terms of relationships. Correction. I understand the "we" concept but I approach it differently. I look long-term and not short-term. At the end of the day, I still strive to do what's best for the two people involved.

At the same time, I believe the right person will understand this about me...and not only understand it but value it as well. Some people cannot see past immediacy but I can see clearly how one choice can have such a major domino effect....I look far ahead and I stubbornly stick by the fact that I know that certain risks are not worth taking. I am a firm believer that haste makes waste. I'd rather be patient and do things right than rushing into things and ruin what could have been a good thing.

That is why I am very grateful toward Mister. I have not been very receptive to him but I'm coming around. Slowly but surely. Even though there is a part of me that I feel he will never be able to reach, he is the first man that I can say who makes me want to change. He is the first man who has effectively made me see the error of my ways. I know that he feels that he can grow from me, but I have to admit, that I am growing from him as well. I do not feel pressured to commit with him...he is the first man who allows me to go at my own pace. Initially, he did come at me like all the other guys that I've been involved with and tried to push me into committing to them....but because he is not an emotionally selfish person and is very secure, it wasn't hard for him to "get" me....not only to "get" me but to appreciate it. Maybe it's not necessarily Mister himself, maybe we just are compatible in the way we communicate. So if and when there are problems, it's resolved fairly quickly.

I'm starting to realize that guys and girls are not that different. Correction. I've always known that guys and girls were not all that different, I'm going to give another example as to why. It is a standard that women are suppose to make men prove themselves (I'm saying it's a standard not necessarily that I agree with this standard)....men are stereotypically seen as the chasers....but in this day and age, women are required to do some chasing as well. I think that men are so fed up with chasing women that they all are on some secret strike. lol. Women are secretly required to chase. Men what us to prove ourselves to them. The only problem is, men have yet to master the art of being chased. Their fragile little manly egos makes them take everything too personally. They want women to jump through 1 million hoops before they budge an inch. Anyone who refuses to jump through those 1 million hoops is tossed to the side and gets slapped with the backhand with resentment. Men are resentful toward women who do not jump through blazin hoops of fire for them...especially if it's someone they're feeling.

What most men have yet to learn that most women have is that for every hoop someone jumps for you, you should at least jump through a hoop for them. That is what makes men look so selfish....but in all reality, it's not selfishness, it's fear. Men are more afraid of letting their hearts go, so they do more to protect it. They can only begin to make those baby steps only if they know that their chic is down for them.

So the lessons for today are:

Ladies: Know that men want love just as much as you do. Men are not emotionless creatures. They want to be accepted for who they are, they want to be worshipped Kings just as much as we want to be worshipped Queens. So jump through a couple of hoops without complaining. Sometimes to make a man a man you have to do what it takes to make him feel like one...and putting him down is not the way to go. Be receptive to his honesty. Men probably lie because we fly off the handle when they tell the truth.

Men: Give us a break! Women are held to higher standards than men but stop expecting us to pull rabbits out our ass. We're human. Just because a chic won't give up her complete soul to you, doesn't mean she ain't down....she's just smart....and you should fully appreciate a smart chic. Like they said in the movie Why Did I Get Married?, men have a tendency to trade in an 80 chic for a 20.

Both: Do not be so short-sighted. Do away with immediacy (unless you're like 60). Look realistically at building for the long-term. Stop being emotionally selfish...especially when you feel you are lacking something from the other person. Learn to communicate...be honest about how you feel. Learn the power of abstinence.

Before I close out this entry, I want to touch base on the last comment I just made. LEARN THE POWER OF ABSTINENCE. I have yet to do anything with Mister. Mainly because I want to do things the right way. Sex has a way of clouding your vision of who the other person really is. That goes for both sexes. That is the BIGGEST and MOST ACCURATE test you could ever give someone that you think that you can care about. That is the hoop. With that test, no other test is needed. And just because you may be sexual with your partner now, doesn't mean it's two late to perform the test. Before you take the vowel of marriage, see if the two of you can conquer the vowel of chastity

Disclaimer

Sorry people for all the spelling errors.....I was re-reading some of my post and realized that they need a lot of cleaning up. I've been busy lately, so I've rushed through writing a lot of my posts. When I get the time, I'll update you with more detail....but until then, I have to generalize most of my posts. A full fledge update will be coming soon.


Until then,

Lata Bitches!

Quick Updates

Finally it looks as if I have found a manufacturer for one of our clients. I started to think that it was never going to happen. We've been shopping for a manufacturer since September/October (we were suppose to start in July but one of our business partners dropped the ball...significantly). Everything is not concrete but this one manufacturer over in China looks as if they are going to come through. I'm excited. The faster I can make it happen for my client, the faster I can make it happen for myself. I received the manufacturer's contract in the mail today. Signed, sealed, and delivered. Now I have to send them the blueprints and our manufacturer version of our business proposal. This could not have happened at a better time because one of our client's investors was getting antsy. Because China doesn't have the same holiday season...hopefully, I can get everything movin by the first couple of weeks of the new year.

My Christmas was great but I must say that Christmas nowadays is getting unfulfilling. I think its because overall, Christmas is a selfish holiday. I think people have gone away from it's meaning. I think I need a new Christmas tradition. Next year, I think that I'm going to try to go away for Christmas....and if my finances do not allow me to do so, I most certainly will be giving my time to those less fortunate.

I go back to school during the second week of January. I'm more than excited! I feel like although I have had fun during my time off, I feel like my life has been put on pause. It's time to push play and keep it movin. I think that despite the unfair reason as to why I had to return home from school, I think that it was something that I needed. Because I'm a person who holds everything in and consistantly keeps movin full speed ahead, it was only a matter of time before I would crash. I'm glad that I had the year to relax and regroup because I was certainly loosing myself. If I had to describe my life two years ago I would compare it to a long distance swim. Life in general is like a long distance swim....not everyone will make it to the other side in one whole piece....some will arrive later than others. In my life, I feel like I'm a fast and strong swimmer....but during my journey to the other side, I've got caught in whirlpools, shark attacks, and I occasionally get cramps in my leg.....all without a rescue boat in sight...but despite all of that, I kept it movin. Even though keepin it movin has been a testiment to my will, it wasn't always smart. Resiliency has it's drawbacks when you never stop to heal. When you try to swim while you are wounded....it's only a matter of time before you drown. I never wanted to stop at any of the lighthouse stations because I felt that if I stopped to attend to myself, I would somehow fall behind. I've had to learn patience and really learn to take time out for myself.

Wishing Everyone A....

Happy Merry Christmas

May God bless you with family, friends, love, safety, and good food! Keep those less fortunate in your hearts and pray for all those who have lost their faith and their way. Do not forget the purpose of the holiday. Do not focus on your own needs and trials. Rather, focus on the needs of others. If you want to change the world, help the person standing next to you. If you're not smiling it's because you are too focused on self. Be all smiles this holiday :-D

**** Smootches ****

Back to the Middle and Around Again

So today I chilled with some of my peoples that I have not chilled with in a while. My homegirl, Jersey's sister, came in from the ATL late last week. Initially I figured that I probably would not be able to see her since I had stopped fuckin with everybody due to that big fight from over the summer....I had been accused of trying to steal people's men (i.e. my sister's ex-bf and Jersey's married brother). I think the whole thing started because one of my homegirls from the clic started hatin on me and started saying things that weren't neccessarily true. After the whole blowout, I thought that I'd probably never chill with them again....I'm one who is all for the peace and happiness and dealing with hatin ass chics has never been my thang.

N e ways...so Jersey's sister (let's call her Pookie) hit me up today and told me that she was going to come scoop me because she wanted to see my sister's new baby. Turns out it was just a ploy to take me hostage. lol. Apparently I had been missed by everybody. That actually surprised the hell out of me and most certainly made my day. Of course despite being able to chill with them again, it still was a little awkward.

For one, the homegirl who was hatin on me way back when (let's call her Muk)recently moved out Owings Mills with her boyfriend (let's call him D). Before moving out to D's new apartment, D had hit me up a couple weeks ago trying to holla at me. Basically, I've been to his new apartment before she had. I did not let anything happen because 1) I'm not interested in him in that way and 2) that's just fucked up. It was awkward because I kind of had to pretend that it was my first time ever being there. On top of that, she started getting emotional and everything because she was upset that she didn't think that I fucked with her anymore. It's not really that I stopped fuckin with everybody, I just really do not like being around drama. Particularly when my homegirls men come at me. I want to tell them about their men but for some reason I know that it'll more than likely come back on me. It came back on me without me even having to tell them. And considering that this has been my first time around them in since July, I definitely was not trying to bring any drama.

The second thing that made it awkward was Jersey's ex-gf....I'm not really sure what their status is so I don't know if they are back together or not. Judging by tonight, I do not think they are. She knows about me and Jersey. But she is woman about hers so it's never been any drama between me and her (there was one slight confrontation but it was not that serious). In all honesty, she's cool as shit. The awkwardness came when she got drunk and started crying on my shoulder about Jersey. It was just a little surreal....two chics who have fucked the same guy and one of them is crying to the other one about him. Both of us are mature individuals, do not like drama, are pretty non-judgemental, and go with the flow....so I guess that is why it was all gravy. But at the same time, it's definitely one of those moments in life when you are like "huh?". I was trying to be nice to her without being overly honest...and that was hard for me. The truth of the matter is, I feel like Jersey is stringing her along until something better comes his way. But of course, I could not tell her that....although I think she could tell what I was thinking. I told her that she just needed to focus on herself, that she is a good woman, and maybe that overall the two of them are just incompatible. Her father recently got locked up and a part of me feels like she's clinging to Jersey even more because of it. I told her that sometimes, you have to deal with things on your own...that's life...and you cannot expect a man to save you. She told me that "it was deeper than that". She wouldn't tell me how though. I told her what truly mattered was whether or not she was happy with him...she told me that she was happy with Jersey...my response "Then why are you crying?". Of course she eventually figured out that I was the wrong person to talk to because I am not one who can just sit and listen to someone cry. I have a really bad habit of trying to make people see what's real instead of allowing them to sit happily in the fog. I think that I need to learn to just shut-up and listen....because at the end of the day that's all that people want.

Another thing that made it awkward is the fact that I still like Jersey. I'm going to save that discussion for a later date. When I saw him after not seeing him in a minute I was thinking "ummmm, tasty". I'm not sure if him and his ex-gf are together, if they are, I most certainly will respect that. But if they are not, then that puts me in a weird position. His ex-gf is now a part of the clic, so I really do not know the "rules" regarding this situation (as much as I'd hate to admit it, unfortunately there are rules that we all subconsciously adhere to in the game of life). Unless someone directly insults me, I find it almost impossible to be underhanded. Maturity definitely gets you far....because if she did come at me like a bitch....being underhanded would be like second skin to me. That makes her a smart woman.

I think Mister is kind of warry about me being cool with them. I think he thinks that me being cool with them is going to decrease his QT time. But it really doesn't matter considering I'm leaving to go back to Pittsburgh in January.

Overall, my holidays have started out pretty good.