Resolutions of 2008

Before I explore today's topic I'm going to run an update concerning Mister. I decided to give him a day to cool off and what not and figured if I did not hear from him then I would approach him. After all, if the shoe was on the other foot, I'd expect the wrongdoer to come to me. The thing is, I've spent most of my life playing the victim. Most of the time when my relationships dissolve, including those with friends and family, it's usually due to the assholeness of the other person. Most of the time when my relationships dissolve it's because the person who wronged me never made any attempts to rectify the situation. And that has been a big source of pain for me. It's taken me a bit of time to rebuild a thick skin and now things like that do not phase me. At the same time, from being in that position time and time again, I have learned the damage one person can do to another person when you leave them hanging and/or continuously keep doing them dirty.

Therefore I decided that despite the fact that I hate sit-down-and-lets-talk-about-our-relationship talks, I would woman up and attempt to mend what I broke. If relationships or your significant other was an expensive glass vase in someone's house and one day you bumped into it and broke it whether intentionally or unintentionally, most people's inclination is to either run, blame someone else, blame the location of the vase, sweep the pieces under a rug, say they didn't do it, or simply say it's an accident and leave it at that. I, on the other hand, am a firm believer that you should either 1) mend the vase regardless how tedious the task, or 2) throw away the pieces and work your ass off at obtaining the money to replace it brand new and fully in tact.

The bad thing about me is that I do not have a lot of substantial relationship experience since I am one who tends to fight against relationships with a tooth and nail. So of course, despite my intentions, I had no idea where to begin.

My first instinct was to just lie about lying. I initially was going to call him up and make up some random bullshit like "I lied about sleeping with someone else because I was uncomfortable with you liking me so much because I have deep, emotional issues and like to remain detached". But then that defeated me telling him in the first place.

My second instinct was to say everything that I wanted to say in a text message and just leave it at that. But I thought that was cowardess. I hate when guys do that.

So my simple ass just picked up the phone and called. I had no idea what I wanted to say. Which I later found out was a huge mistake. When Mister answered the phone it was sssssooooo incredibly awkward. It felt like someone was holding a gag over my mouth. I wanted to hang up but it was way too late for that. And I'm not a coward. I was going to face my responsibility regardless of how it made me felt because I'm sure he was feeling so much more worse. But because I had a gag over my mouth, the only thing I could do was laugh hysterically and crack jokes...it was my nerves going in overdrive. I eventually just ended the conversation and said that I felt incredibly awkward and that I would call him back. I'm sure if I was standing in front of him would have had a field day killing my simple ass.

I decided to follow my golden rule which is when in a complicated situation, keep it as simple as possible. So I sent him a text which read "My b, that was rude and childish but I want u 2 understand that it was just nerves. Im sorry 4 the way things went down. When and if u feel like, give me a call so I can have the opportunity 2 explain myself". So he called me and we talked...and everything is copecetic...Yay!

During the conversation, I definitely let him know that I was not good at this and that I would be appreciative if he beared with me. I tried to emphasize the fact that the purpose for explaining myself was not so I could get good with him, but I just wanted to make sure he understood that it was not him. If he decided not to fuck with me, I would respect that decision as long as I knew he was good. I did not want to make the conversation about me, or about us...I just wanted to listen, repair, and do things right.

With all this said and done, I can honestly say that I could never cheat on anybody ever again. The whole process is nerve wrecking. I do not understand how people do it. It's nerve wrecking when you are lying and it's nerve wrecking when you're honest...so the only decision is to not do it at all. To cheat on someone you definitely have to be very selfish, be very detached from the people that you are involved in, and/or have a love for playing games. Because that's the only way I can see someone continously doing it over and over and over again. Lying is exhausting. Repairing is exhausting (which explains why I'm in the house on a Friday night).


Resolution 1: Maintain Integrity




Throughtout my life, I have always had a problem with being labeled as the "town slut" so to speak. It has always been horribly shocking to me considering I have only slept with two people my entire life. As I've written before, I think that I have a charm that has an unintentional sexual suggestiveness to it. I think that this sexual suggestiveness stems from the fact that I'm a person who likes to please and during a confrontation, I try to see things from everyone's perspective and never really choose a side (which is bad when you are friends with a homegirl and her man or vice versa). My friendliness manifest itself through humbleness and being of service to other people. When people irritate me, I become sarcasitcally charming (i.e. if someone was calling me too much and being a bug a boo, I'm not one who is going to say "Nigga, stop fucking calling me"....I'm going to say "Can you please let me miss you?" in a charming sarcastic tone). I think that my charm can be mistaken for flirtation....and according to one of my homeboys, I can be "too likable" and I "try to be everyone's friend". My relatives make jokes and say that I have the ability to charm "birds out of trees".

The whole not choosing sides thing I think hurts me the most. When a homegirl and her man or a homeboy and his girl get into it, I'm the one who becomes both sides confidant. I try to listen and be receptive to both people who are both expecting sometype of loyalty from me regarding how they think. They also like me to keep secrets from the other person. When it comes out that I've been "cohorting with the enemy", most people think that my intentions are underhanded. This even happens to me with arguments that happen between homegirls. I think that is why Jersey's ex-gf was able to cry on my shoulder despite the fact that I've fucked him and I allowed her despite the fact that I still like him.

I remember one of my homeboys had hurt his foot really bad one day...so I offered to give him a foot massage. In my mind, it was completely innocent...I call myself being nice. I like to do things for people. But of course, his girl found out and took it completely different...and I'm pretty sure he must of thought I was flirting with him. But my mind really never goes there. I just like to please.

It's easy for me to take a stand concerning my own drama. I'm very stubborn and headstrung and slightly raw about handling mine. But when it comes to other people's drama, I always try to find a happy middle.

It makes me kind of mad though because when a guy is charming he is called charismatic, a gentleman....when a girl is charming she is called flirtatious, a whore. (sigh)

Resolution 2: Learn that the Middle is Never Happy.



After looking at my sister and realizing that she has had side dick with the same nigga for the past 6 years and seeing the current result of that situation, I've decided that (just at this momment actually) that it's time to completely dissociate myself from the ex. I have been dealing with him for a whopping 5 1/2 years. OMG! That shit is way, way too long. I have no problem with how we relate to each other nowadays, but the fact is, everytime we do associate with each other it's never fruitful because there is always drama that surrounds it. Therefore in retrospect, our relations is completely senseless.

If this was another life, another time, and another place....I would most certainly think differently. But 5 1/2 years of pointlessness equals pure foolishness. Nothing good can come out of us associating regardless if we are lovers, friends, fuck buddies, or associates. I think that the physical attraction is too strong and, 9 times out of 10, ends up outweighing all practicallity.

But for the first time in a long time, I do have to admit that I do have a soft and squishy place somewhere inside me for him (sssshhhh, don't tell. lol). But I must emphasize that I do not allow this to control my actions and reactions concerning my situations with him, the majority of the time my actions and reactions are purely physical or due to stubborness/sheer competitiveness.


Resolution 3: Clean Out My Closet



I think that this whole year that I have had to myself has been more than rewarding. I have been able to teach myself emotional balance. I used to be real dismissive of the way I feel. I would sweep things under a rug and go about my business. But now, I have a very new perspective on my emotions. Instead of hiding them and pretending they are not there, I have learned how to manage them. Managing your emotions is basically another way of saying you're headstrung. You feel what you feel but at the end of the day, you do what makes sense...what's logical...no matter how deep you feel it.


Resolution 4: Manage Emotions



Other resolutions include:

Resolution 5: Get Re-Focused (school)

Resolution 6: Do Not Drink As Much/Be Healthier

Resolution 7: Decrease How Much I Swear

Honesty is a BEEEOOOCTTCH!

I'm a person who values my integrity and for the first time in my life, I've been finding it hard to maintain it. Given the fact that it's a start of a new year...I'd decided that I would start off with a clean slate. When Mister asked me "how was my New Years" and all I could tell him was a bunch of lies about who I chilled with, it was only a matter of time before I was just came out with everything. I told him about how I fucked my ex in November and how I was with him during New Years. Although relieved, initially I definitely felt guilty and a little scared....but that guilt and anxiousness was quickly replaced with frustration and annoyance.

Of course I can perfectly understand how someone would feel in this situation (I've been there) but he tried to make it relevant to things that really were not relevant. He figured that the reason why I was trying not to continue anything with him while I am in school was due to the ex. He also assumed that the only reason why I have not slept with him is due to the ex. Hence my frustration and annoyance. I was rather appalled by the fact that he gave the ex that much credit. I told him that all the reasons why I gave for the above things had nothing to do with the ex...at all. I told him I really just want to do things the right way...and that was one of the reasons why I was being honest. I did not have sex with him because I wanted it to work with him. He was certain that I had must still have feelings for the ex but I tried my best to assure him that I really do not have feelings for anybody (including him). But he really was not getting it. I'm going to say that it's safe to assume that he probably thinks that I was lying about who really gave me my Vicky's gift certificate and the perfume I got for Christmas. I do not understand how when a person does decide to tell the truth and come clean about something, how all of a sudden everything that they ever said becomes a complete and utter lie.

I do not feel all that remorseful. Mainly because I have told the truth. I do feel slightly nauseated but it's not due to remorse....it's due to surrealism. Sometimes reality gets too real. While talking to him last night, I felt like the real Courtney was somewhere lurking above the ceiling somewhere observing our conversation. I felt out of myself.

I understand why people lie....but what I do not understand is how people can continuously keep doing it. There is a point in time when I stopped feeling like a woman and on top of that when you care about someone, it's hard to know that you are taking away their choice.

The conversation started out because he was being pushy about a committment. I thought that we had an understanding after our conversation from last Friday. But I guess he was determined to have his way....and he did not want to settle for anything less than me being his girl. He responded by saying he did not understand why things had to be on the "friends" level....and once again, I found myself repeating the same conversation that I had with him on Friday.

I not only emphasized the fact that I'm a money over bitches type of gal but I also told him that I think that overall that we were romantically incompatible and that there was something that just was not there for me. I told him that it was better that we keep a good thing a good thing by keeping our relationship as is.

I told him that I felt that if we pursued things any further that we would end up hating each other in the end. Especially since the both of us have exceedingly bad tempers. I said that I don't even want to find out what happens when both of us are flared up at the same time. I told him I have a feeling that it would get very ugly. He agreed that our tempers would definitely do some damage.

I also emphasized the fact that I can be pretty jealous. I give guys a lot of freedom of movement because that's what I value, but I can become very arrogant and rude when I feel threatened (which is not often)....and that includes a guys female family members. Jealousy is a halmark of being a Scorpio...and something that I used to deny was in me. I've learned to fully embrace it.

I also told him that I wanted someone who was more educated....I like books, art, poetry, and the like...and I need someone who is a closet geek and gets excited about using big words. lol. I know this sounds really cornballish and ever so dorky, but I like reading to my man and I like when my man reads to me. With this one guy that I used to date, we used to switch books. When we both got done with one, we would switch and then afterwards would go and buy new ones. I like little stupid things like that.

He's also the type to pursue something very passionately and then loose interest. I think that is such a HUGE turn-off. I admire people who have endurance. In addition, that is a sign of irresponsibility which has yet to fully manifest itself.

We are very compatible when it comes to our enthusiasm toward life, our whateverness/fuck that shitness, spontaneity, communication style, and genuity....something that I have yet to share with any other guy. And what made me feel even worse is that Mister has provided me with so much assistance...esp. financially. I hope that he doesn't walk away from this situation thinking that I tried to get over on him....because that is so so so far from the truth. In addition, he cut off a lot of people for me. He is very humble and respectful.

I really did not like the fact that he cut off people while being involved with me (unless they were chics). I think its better to make sure you maintain a life outside your intimate relationships. That's an easy way for people to become overly possessive....and an easy way for your relationship to get boring. It's not something that I'm willing to do for anybody. If anything, I'll introduce my man to my friends...and my friends can become his friends....but I'm not cutting people off. I think he is really one of those people who are very content with it being just him and his woman. Whereas I'm the type who likes to parade my man around town to meet and greet the people and gloat over him.

In addition he has a gambling problem. We were suppose to go on a ski trip for New Years but he ended up loosing $1100.00 in a game of craps and in Atlantic City.

Despite all the things that I presented to him regarding the fact that we should remain friends, he was still determined to find a reason as to how we could work. Once again, hence my frustration and annoyance. He ended by saying "I wish I did not like you so much". After that, I felt overwhelmed with guilt and I thought it was best to give him a reason to hate me.

After I told him about my sexcapades, I was actually surprised that he did not smack the shit out of me or put a dent in a wall...which probably means on some level he already knew. He seemed very hurt but on some level kind of relieved. He's a lot more perceptive than what I give him credit for. He surprisingly knows me a lot more than I realized. He pretty much sat on the edge of the bed for two hours without saying anything. He put on his shirt and shoes...but did not go anywhere. Every now and again he would make a comment or ask a question about it...but for the most part he was silent. I'm a person who is extremely uncomfortable with emotions so the silence was extremely unnerving. I was trying not to laugh....not because I thought it was funny but because that's what I do when I'm nervous. I eventually just got up, went to the other bedroom, and went to sleep. I think he remained in the house for a good half-hour before I heard him leave.

I'm not really hurt about it...at least not now. I'm one of those people where things do not usually hit me until two weeks later....and it takes me two weeks to get over it.

We'll see how this plays out.

Interesting Start to the New Year

Okay so my New Year took an interesting turn. I was initially suppose to chill with Mister and go to some party with the pink people that was $50.00 a head....but then he ended up getting mad at me on some petty bullshit so I decided to chill with my sister and Jersey and the gang....but Jersey was taking incredibly too long because everyone was so drunk and I got impatient....After I called my sister to see whether or not Jersey was on his way to come scoop me, my homegirl, and my lil cuz I decided that I did not want to go with them because from experience, when that group of people get pissy drunk....drama is always bound to happen...and I wanted to have a chill New Years.

I ended up chillin with an old homeboy and his friends. Everything was all good....it wasn't incredibly eventful but given how dramatic my News Years can be...that wasn't too bad of a thing. I just did not appreciate how niggas are always compelled to holla at anything walking. At a certain point I was ready to leave because niggas were in my breathin space. All that pussy chasin shit is so last year. lol. Niggas need to grow up and find a more constructive hobby. N e ways after everyone left my homeboy's house, they decided to hit up this other party. I knew I was settin myself up for failure when I decided to go. I think that sometimes guys forget that I'm a female because I can chill with niggas. I can chill with niggas as long as I can maintain my own personal fun....and going around hootchies who dance on poles in front of a room filled with niggas is not my idea of a good time for me. I can understand why it would be for them...but it is certainly not my thang. Just because I can chill with guys, doesn't mean I am a guy.

N e ways, while I was there, I got a call from Jersey and my sister. Apparently drama did erupt. My future baby daddy ended up getting in a heated fight with his older brother (we'll call him J) after his older brother poured a drink in his face for hanging up on his wife. I was surprised to learn that Jersey actually won. He's not a bitch nigga but I never saw him as much as a scrapper either. He works for Vice President of the US and kind of has this "I don't like to get my hands dirty" demeanor but he's tatted up and wheres gold fronts from time to time. J is definitely a scrapper and is also tall as hell. He's pretty rough and extremely tempermental. Jersey is on the short side. Jersey not only was able to hold his own but he fucked J's face up something terrible. My sister said that there is a big hole in the wall and blood all over her carpet. I mean I'm used to shit like this happening around them but I'm just shocked by the fact that Jersey can scrap. In a way, it increases his sexy.

Right after I got a call from them, I got a call from Mister. Actually Mister was ringing my damn phone all night...I just finally decided to answer it since I was outside and no people were in my face. My dumbass told him I was at home chillin and of course he tells me he was on his way. I was just going to say "fuck it" and just let him be mad when he found out I wasn't there but when I went back into the party and saw some hootchie up against my homeboy I knew that it was time to go. So I went home, called Mister and told him that I was about to pass out, and that I'll hit him up tomorrow.

I hope everyone has a very safe night!


Happy New Year!

Long-Term vs. Short-Term

As everyone probably knows I will be leaving Baltimore to finish school in Pittsburgh come 1/12/07. I am both happy, anxious, and apprehensive. Of course, the fact that I'll be three and a half to four hours away is something that I have to deal with when it comes to Mister. He has made it apparent that he does not mind trying to work on the long distance thing. I appreciate the fact that he wants to put in the time and the energy to make things work between us but at the same time, I'm not sure if it is something that I want to do. In most of my dealings with men, I have been one who usually keeps my inner concerns to myself and just kind of let the guy take the lead and I just go with it. I think that this is the number one reason why I can become pretty withdrawn in my attachments.....I've learned that I need to stop keeping comments to myself. I blame the fact that I did not voice my concerns on my mother....because that's what she did....and I guess you can say it's learned behavior. Your parental interaction is the thing that most people subconsciously go by in terms of how they deal with realtionships....particularly with the opposite sex. I usually look at a guys parents to see what the guy himself could be about.

Lips wanted me to move to NYC with him. He had a good job and everything. I told him that I had to think about it....but in reality, I already knew what I wanted. I eventually told him that I would not do it but I gave him some bullshit ass reason as to why. I never really voiced my real concerns. My real concern was that I felt that was just giving up too much of myself when I have other plans for what I want to do in my life. The same went for my ex concerning the fact that he has yet to pursue a college degree. Jersey is thus far the only one I could ever see myself making any type of huge commitment to and that is because we are both focused on building good financial foundation before anything else. Money over bitches babes! lol.

In terms of Mister, he is in trade school to be an electrician. Electrician's make a decent living but I know that I'm going to be making hella money and I feel the need to be with someone who is of the same "yoke" as me. Furthermore, upon graduation, I really cannot see myself coming back to Baltimore. Before I got suspended, my job offers required me to relocate to Vegas, NYC, NJ, and OH. I personally want to go in live in either Cali or the ATL. Those are my long-term plans and in order for me to meet those goals, I may have to give up Mister. There is no point in wasting anyone's time when in the long-run it will not work out. I've developed into a very headstrung person as opposed to a heartstrung one. I absolutely refuse to be a wife that has to worry about paying alimony if the shit hits the fan. It's come to the point that I'm one of those modern day sister's who will have to make her husband sign a prenup.

I have learned to be straightforward regarding my needs in a relationship. I also learned to never settle when my needs are not being met. So on Friday, I had a long talk with Mister regarding my concerns. I told him that when I graduate, there is no doubt in my mind that I'm following the money and putting my heart on the back burner. By the end of the conversation, I decided that it was best if we give ourselves a trial run as friends. I want to see how things work over long-distance as friends first. If a friendship can be maintained, then we'll see how things go on from there. It is also a good way to see how really down he is for me. If he cares about me, he should still approach me the same way regardless of titles. I know it's been only two days, but so far, so good.

Once again, it is my belief that many young people react to immediacy. They rarely take the long-term into consideration. Next thing you know, they get at a cross roads and realize that a lot of time and energy has been wasted. Even those who look long-term are seldom realistic about it. People need to learn to strike a balance between short-term gratification and long-term needs. The best person for you is a person who allows both your head and your heart to tell you the same thing. If your head says you should stay but your heart is not in it....you need to go....If your heart says you should stay but your head is screaming DANGER! DANGER!....you need to go. No exceptions.

N other news....surprisingly the ex hit me up last night wanting to chill. I'm pretty sure it was a subtle booty call but I was just coming back from dinner with a homeboy so the situation came and went. I would have met up with him but if he did try anything I would of turned him down. Right now, I'm on this whole vowel of chastity kick. I do not want to have sex with anyone unless I'm in love. Plus, he has too much drama that comes along with him...who wants to have a booty call with strings attached. Not me. In a way, I kind of feel bad for him....he strikes me as a very lonely person. I could be completely and utterly wrong....but that's what I see.

Okay...there is more I have to write about but I'm on my way out to dinner with Mister..........


Until Next Time,


Lata Bitches!