Desires vs. Romance; Chemistry vs. Compatibility

The more interactions I have with people over my lifetime, the more I stop generalizing certain subjects. Mainly because everyone says something different regardless of what "group" they fit in. For instance, when it comes to the battle of the sexes, it all comes down to individual needs. Different men say different things regarding the habits of men, different women say different things regarding the habits of women. I'm beginning to learn that most people's opinions of generalized subjects are usually based on their own individual needs. If you are a man who is very sexually charged...you are likely to believe that sex is a basic need for men or people in general. If you are a woman who is used to dealing with selfish men...you are likely to believe that most men are dogs. Life is all about perspective. The key is to not quickly past judgement and learn to understand someone's perspective. Whenever there is a conflict of differences, always ask yourself what need or value lies behind this person's opinion?

When it comes to romantic relationships, I'm beginning to understand that it's purely about satisfying individual needs. To me, relationships are divided into two things. 1) A person's need fulfillment and 2) your connection with the other person. I think when it comes to a person's need fulfillment people tend to struggle with their desires versus romantic needs. When it comes to a person's connection with a potential partner, people tend to struggle with chemistry versus compatibility. One deals with the balance within yourself whereas the other deals with the balance you have toward the other person.

When it comes to my Desires versus Romance, I find that I'm heavily conflicted. What I want sexually is not what I want romantically. Therefore, it is incredibly hard for me to be satisfied by one particular person. Romantically I want to be close, but sexually I want to be free. For some reason, I tend to be attracted to people who work the other way around. I tend to get involved with guys who enjoy romantic freedom but need sexual possession.

I am person who tends to struggle between the desire for freedom and the romantic need to possess when it comes to my personal relationships. On one level I'm exceedingly private but on the other hand I am a full out people person. I struggle between sexual adventurousness versus sexual vulnerability. I tend to be attracted to men who are charming, good mannered, classy, intellectual, easy-going, and balanced but who also have issues and are sexually magnetic. A lot of times you get one half in a guy but not the other. I think people whose desires are compatible with their romantic needs have an easier time finding fulfillment in their romantic relationships. I think people who come off as not knowing what they want, having emotional and fidelity issues, etc. regarding their personal relationships are those who desires are incompatible with their romantic needs.

I think because my desires are incompatible with my romantic needs I tend to confuse the hell out of guys. They have a hard time knowing what I want and when. Sex to me is a means of emotional release but at the same time I like to talk about it with an intellectual detachment. Therefore in my personal relationships I oscillate back and forth between being very intimate and being very cool. Guys cannot tell if it's freedom I want most or if it's closeness/intimacy. I truthfully need both but at different times...hence the confusion. What makes me feel loved and desired is not what necessarily makes me feel hot and sensual.

I'm youthful, intelligent, and passionate....I like someone who is not just my friend but who is my lover as well. I like to amuse, inspire, and comfort my partners. I aim to please. I'm very sensitive but I hide it behind a playful and lighthearted manner. I am innocently indifferent and have a good sense of humor. I tend to be attracted to people who are a lot like this when it comes to romance but when it comes to sex, I like someone who is sexually erotic, complicated, deep, and possessive.

So enough about that aspect of personal relationships. As I've already written, the second aspect of relationships is your connection with the other person. Some people may argue that chemistry and compatibility are the same but I feel like they are different. When I think about chemistry, I'm talking about that attraction factor and when I talk about compatibility I'm talking about how well you harmonize...the ease of getting along. You need both in a working, lasting relationship. It's the difference between friends and lovers. Conncetions can be bad or good. I've listed below the different types of connections you can have with someone:

Chemistry Connections

1. That IT feeling where the connection is compulsively intense and instant. In some cases (a), you substantially harmonize and accept each other but you kind of lack the thrill of drama. In other cases (b) there is a sense of recognition and you enjoy impressing each other.

2. When you are fascinated by the person! Your connection is exceedingly strong but disturbing. You have an intense love-hate magnetism. It's a fatal attraction so to speak.

3. An attraction of ease. Chemistry development is a very gradual process. The more you interact, the more chemistry grows over time. This is usually a characterisitic of platonic friendships.

4. On-again, off-again connection. There is a lot of chemistry but you have to consistently make adjustments for each other. Because the chemistry is there, you are willing to work on making the adjustments.

5. You have completely differnt temperments but the fact that you clash facinates you! You excite but exhaust each other. Chemistry is very, very high but compatibility is low. The challenges presented by your different temperments is what intrigues you.

6. No Connection. You may look at each other with a particular awkwardness because you do not know what to say to each other. When you are alone together there is an awkward silence and what runs through your mind is What do I say? How do I approach this person?


Compatibility Connections

7. You are very much alike so much so the chemistry is very low. But there is a very strong sense of recognition.

8. You are fascinated with each other but because of your differences you are not willing to make things work romantically.

9. You are very comfortable with each other and have a good sense of harmony.

10. On-again, off-again connection where the chemistry is not there so you are not willing to make things work out romantically. Adjustments are needed.

11. You have completely different temperments but the fact that you clash creates stress.

12. You are Neutral toward each other.



Of course with relationships you can have a combination of the above but overall, one dominates and another comes in a close second. If I had to categorize my previous relationships I would put them in the following categories:

Jersey - 3
Mister - 1a and 10
Lips - 9
NJ - 8
OJ - 1b and 11
BD - 5