Honesty is a BEEEOOOCTTCH!

I'm a person who values my integrity and for the first time in my life, I've been finding it hard to maintain it. Given the fact that it's a start of a new year...I'd decided that I would start off with a clean slate. When Mister asked me "how was my New Years" and all I could tell him was a bunch of lies about who I chilled with, it was only a matter of time before I was just came out with everything. I told him about how I fucked my ex in November and how I was with him during New Years. Although relieved, initially I definitely felt guilty and a little scared....but that guilt and anxiousness was quickly replaced with frustration and annoyance.

Of course I can perfectly understand how someone would feel in this situation (I've been there) but he tried to make it relevant to things that really were not relevant. He figured that the reason why I was trying not to continue anything with him while I am in school was due to the ex. He also assumed that the only reason why I have not slept with him is due to the ex. Hence my frustration and annoyance. I was rather appalled by the fact that he gave the ex that much credit. I told him that all the reasons why I gave for the above things had nothing to do with the ex...at all. I told him I really just want to do things the right way...and that was one of the reasons why I was being honest. I did not have sex with him because I wanted it to work with him. He was certain that I had must still have feelings for the ex but I tried my best to assure him that I really do not have feelings for anybody (including him). But he really was not getting it. I'm going to say that it's safe to assume that he probably thinks that I was lying about who really gave me my Vicky's gift certificate and the perfume I got for Christmas. I do not understand how when a person does decide to tell the truth and come clean about something, how all of a sudden everything that they ever said becomes a complete and utter lie.

I do not feel all that remorseful. Mainly because I have told the truth. I do feel slightly nauseated but it's not due to remorse....it's due to surrealism. Sometimes reality gets too real. While talking to him last night, I felt like the real Courtney was somewhere lurking above the ceiling somewhere observing our conversation. I felt out of myself.

I understand why people lie....but what I do not understand is how people can continuously keep doing it. There is a point in time when I stopped feeling like a woman and on top of that when you care about someone, it's hard to know that you are taking away their choice.

The conversation started out because he was being pushy about a committment. I thought that we had an understanding after our conversation from last Friday. But I guess he was determined to have his way....and he did not want to settle for anything less than me being his girl. He responded by saying he did not understand why things had to be on the "friends" level....and once again, I found myself repeating the same conversation that I had with him on Friday.

I not only emphasized the fact that I'm a money over bitches type of gal but I also told him that I think that overall that we were romantically incompatible and that there was something that just was not there for me. I told him that it was better that we keep a good thing a good thing by keeping our relationship as is.

I told him that I felt that if we pursued things any further that we would end up hating each other in the end. Especially since the both of us have exceedingly bad tempers. I said that I don't even want to find out what happens when both of us are flared up at the same time. I told him I have a feeling that it would get very ugly. He agreed that our tempers would definitely do some damage.

I also emphasized the fact that I can be pretty jealous. I give guys a lot of freedom of movement because that's what I value, but I can become very arrogant and rude when I feel threatened (which is not often)....and that includes a guys female family members. Jealousy is a halmark of being a Scorpio...and something that I used to deny was in me. I've learned to fully embrace it.

I also told him that I wanted someone who was more educated....I like books, art, poetry, and the like...and I need someone who is a closet geek and gets excited about using big words. lol. I know this sounds really cornballish and ever so dorky, but I like reading to my man and I like when my man reads to me. With this one guy that I used to date, we used to switch books. When we both got done with one, we would switch and then afterwards would go and buy new ones. I like little stupid things like that.

He's also the type to pursue something very passionately and then loose interest. I think that is such a HUGE turn-off. I admire people who have endurance. In addition, that is a sign of irresponsibility which has yet to fully manifest itself.

We are very compatible when it comes to our enthusiasm toward life, our whateverness/fuck that shitness, spontaneity, communication style, and genuity....something that I have yet to share with any other guy. And what made me feel even worse is that Mister has provided me with so much assistance...esp. financially. I hope that he doesn't walk away from this situation thinking that I tried to get over on him....because that is so so so far from the truth. In addition, he cut off a lot of people for me. He is very humble and respectful.

I really did not like the fact that he cut off people while being involved with me (unless they were chics). I think its better to make sure you maintain a life outside your intimate relationships. That's an easy way for people to become overly possessive....and an easy way for your relationship to get boring. It's not something that I'm willing to do for anybody. If anything, I'll introduce my man to my friends...and my friends can become his friends....but I'm not cutting people off. I think he is really one of those people who are very content with it being just him and his woman. Whereas I'm the type who likes to parade my man around town to meet and greet the people and gloat over him.

In addition he has a gambling problem. We were suppose to go on a ski trip for New Years but he ended up loosing $1100.00 in a game of craps and in Atlantic City.

Despite all the things that I presented to him regarding the fact that we should remain friends, he was still determined to find a reason as to how we could work. Once again, hence my frustration and annoyance. He ended by saying "I wish I did not like you so much". After that, I felt overwhelmed with guilt and I thought it was best to give him a reason to hate me.

After I told him about my sexcapades, I was actually surprised that he did not smack the shit out of me or put a dent in a wall...which probably means on some level he already knew. He seemed very hurt but on some level kind of relieved. He's a lot more perceptive than what I give him credit for. He surprisingly knows me a lot more than I realized. He pretty much sat on the edge of the bed for two hours without saying anything. He put on his shirt and shoes...but did not go anywhere. Every now and again he would make a comment or ask a question about it...but for the most part he was silent. I'm a person who is extremely uncomfortable with emotions so the silence was extremely unnerving. I was trying not to laugh....not because I thought it was funny but because that's what I do when I'm nervous. I eventually just got up, went to the other bedroom, and went to sleep. I think he remained in the house for a good half-hour before I heard him leave.

I'm not really hurt about it...at least not now. I'm one of those people where things do not usually hit me until two weeks later....and it takes me two weeks to get over it.

We'll see how this plays out.