I Wake Up in the Morning and Ask Myself...WHY?

OMG...the headache, the headache. Once again, I have proven to myself that I'm not a relationship person. I'm just not equipped for all the talking. I was talking to Mister today. It got to the point where I just put down the phone, made myself something to eat, put in a movie, only to come back to my phone to find him still talking. Then I immaturely put the phone to my mouth and screamed as loud as I could "AAAAAAAHHHHHHH" like the Home Alone kid.

I told him that I could not do this anymore and if he kept bringing that dude into conversation I was going to kill him ever so softly. He is still stuck on the conversation that we had yesterday all because I did not answer his question regarding my feelings toward that dude. I did answer it, but it was not to his liking. He apparently does not understand my stubborness.

Once again I had to re-explain how answering that question was irrelevant. I told him that if I were to say no I had a feeling he would not be convinced and still hound me with a bunch of ridiculous quesitions. If I were to say yes what point would that prove considering it does not change how I approach my situations with that dude nor does it mean that I expect anything from that dude. It's a dead situation so WHY THE HELL ARE WE STILL TALKING ABOUT IT? Especially since I made the decision that me and Mister are to be friends.

So I told Mister that I did not have any feelings toward that dude. And just like I thought, he was not convinced and started hounding me with an endless stream of questions.

The reason why I refused so heavily to answer the question is because I stubbornly refused to entertain the foolishness. Why do I need to have an hour conversation about a topic that I'm so detached from? It's stupid and a waste of my time and energy. Who really wants to talk about that dude?

I-WANT-TO-PLAY!!!!LOL!

So I had to give him a detailed version of the damn headache of a question. I told him that I have friendly feelings toward that dude but I do not have romantic feelings. I have a strict standard for the type of guy that I want to be with and neither Mister nor that dude really fits the part. That dude does not even come close. I told Mister that he comes closer than that dude does.

Really...what would I look like harboring romantic feelings for a dude who left me high and dry so many times? Nigga, give me more credit than that. What would I look like having romantic feelings for a guy who merely sees me as a piece of ass? I felt like the question insulted my intelligence (I guess that's why my initial reaction was to punch him).

I had to explain to him about a movie I once saw.... The General's Daughter. I told Mister that at the end of the movie John Travolta had to figure out the question What is worse than rape?....by the end of the movie he discovered that the crime that was worse than rape was Betrayal. I had to explain to Mister that when a dude leaves you high and dry during a pregnancy in which a resident "doctor" tries to take advantage of you...only for that dude to pretend to give a damn about your well-being after the fact...is actually good grounds to catch a murder charge. Trust and believe, that romantic feelings do not live here for that dude.

I used the back story to give him another reason as to why I did not want to answer his question. Once again, I was not trying to re-hash old events. Especially ones that I have tried to permantly erase from memory.

I had to explain to Mister that I'm a natural dater. Natural daters are people who are looking for the one to spend the rest of their life with but they have such a hard time finding it in one particular person. So they get involved with multiple people. What one lacks the other has. All the guys that I get involved with seem to have a piece of the puzzle to what I deem as Mr. Right-For-Me.

Mister has the spontaneity, the open-mindedness, and the genuity....that dude, the mental rapport and the physical attraction. There were others who of course I had to gradually cut off when Mister came around. Now I am ready to go back to Pittsburgh, and find me a new group of puzzle pieces who will help me make up the complete picture.

I guess in a way I'm starting to understand Mr. Snake Guys perspective on how he wishes he were a lizard. lol. (will explain some other time).

After all was said and done, I think Mister has come down from his insecure high and regained his composure. But I guarantee that this time next week, I'll be reiterating this same conversation.

I'm just really going to get rid of Mister...I'll see how things are once I go to Pittsburgh on Saturday. It's come to a point that I really just want to focus strictly on getting my degree.

Even though I am ready to fall in love...am ready to find a soul for my soul....I would rather drown in living, thinking, and breathing as opposed to settle for someone whose not on my level in mind, body, love, and spirit.