Last One...I Promise LOL!

The main idea behind me retiring my blog as a personal journal is primarily because I will be leaving Baltimore tomorrow and come Monday will be restarting school. I just really want to be refocused on all the goals that I have set for myself, including ones that are not school related. Because of that, I do not want to absorb myself with so much computer time which includes blogspot, myspace, fb, and shopping. With that said, since I still have a few days to play, I decided that one more entry would not hurt.


Dominance and Passiveness


Anyone who has been keeping up with my journal knows that I am clearly obsessed with relationship topics. This is so strange considering I'm one who is usually put off by relationships. In retrospect, as I've mentioned many times before, I'm not against relationships...I fully embrace them...I just have a fear of being in the wrong relationship that falls significantly short of my ideals. Hence my obsession to determining the factors of relationships that keep people at odds and keep people from obtaining True Romance.

As I go through my relationships with people in general, my perspective regarding compatibility has changed...sometimes slightly, sometimes drastically. Sometimes I pull thoughts out my ass and later realize that I'm so incredibly off....sometimes I give careful thought to the process, come up with something, and realize later that there lies a simpler answer...or a more simpler way of explaining things. In my last entry regarding relationships, Desire vs. Romance; Chemistry vs. Compatibility, I confused a lot of people. So I'm going to try to provide a more simpler explanation.

In my opinion, I believe that everyone has a masculine side to them as well as a feminine side to them. Our masculine side usually reflects our desires, our ability to take control, our aggressiveness and need to dominate....our feminine side usually reflects our romantic urges, our passiveness, our comfort zone. When you express your masculine side it does not mean you are acting like a man nor does expressing your feminine side mean you are acting like a female. It's about dominance vs. passivity. How do you act when you try to dominate? How do you act when you are passive in your comfort zone?

Some may express one side more often than the other. But when it comes to intimately dealing with another person, the balance between dominance and passivity plays a critical role in overall compatibility and chemistry.

There are some people who you may find yourself dominating whereas there are some instances where in your interaction you find yourself more passive. In romantic relationships, because we deal so closely with a person on a day to day basis, we get the full experience of that person. We see when they dominate, we see when they are passive. When it comes to compatibility we must ask ourselves the following questions:

1. When I decide to dominate and my partner is passive do we get along?

2. When I decide to dominate and my partner wants to dominate do we get along?

3. When I decide to be passive and my partner decides to be passive do we get along?

4. When I decide to be passive and my partner decides to dominate do we get along?

If the answer is yes to all the above questions, the only thing you need to worry about is chemistry and understanding emotional differences. If the answer is no to any of the above questions, the only thing you need to worry about is how often does this occurrence happen? If the answer is no to all the above questions, then maybe you need rethink who you are with...or at least maybe a good sexual relationship could come out it. lol

I will use Mister, Jersey, and Mr. Snake Guy strictly as examples as what I'm trying to get across but first let me shed a little bit of insight about me:

My masculine self is expressed through being charming, flirtatious, compromising, spontaneous, love of change, and free...where I use charm and my ability to please to dominate people...if I were a guy I would be the charismatic gentleman telling all the ladies how they look so beautiful and if there is anything I could do to assist them....

My feminine self is expressed through being emotionally close and intimate, intense, committal, possessive, soulfully complex, secretive, lustfully addicted, and profoundly romantic. As a woman, I am a controlled whore and I want to posses a man in mind, body, and soul. lol.



Mister

Mister's masculine self is expressed through passive-aggressiveness. He is very defensive yet tenacious. He is extremely protective. As a man he is like the calm, strong type telling ladies that he will make himself fully available to them but he is still closely watching whether or not they are going to screw him over...and if they do, watch out!

Mister's feminine self is expressed similar to my masculine self. When he is feeling more passive and not focused on dominating, he is lively, spontaneous, and loves to participate in a variety of activities. As a women, he would be the tomboy whose idea of romance is not candlelit dinners but is playing a one-on-one basketball game.

The main problem with me and Mister is that when both of us are feeling in a romantic mood, when we are simultaneously being passive, we do not necessarily clash but we are consistently making adjustments to each others difference in romantic style (i.e. the answer to question 3 is no). When we are both simultaneously trying to dominate the relationship, we clash head on...to the point where there is definitely a risk of physical aggression (i.e. the answer to question 2 is no). When I am doing what I want to do and taking the reigns, I like to be fanciful and free...which angers him because he would rather lock me away and have me to himself.

The only way that me and Mister would have a healthy, successful relationship is if the roles were always balanced. When he is expressing his masculine side, I would be expressing my feminine side and vice versa. But the thing is, in the way that we relate to each other, this is a rare occurrence. When one of us tries to dominate the other rises to the occasion, when one of us falls back, the other does as well.

Hence the reason why we would never work.


Mr. Snake Guy

Mr. Snake Guy's masculine self is expressed through a lot of willpower. He gets his way through sheer will. He is pretty cool and balanced even when he is fully frustrated. He is possessive of the women he gets involved with although I'm sure he will not admit it or show it. He is uncompromising...it's either this or that (whereas I like the middle). He can be manipulative and resentful. As a man he is the the type who purely likes to dominate and he tells the ladies that they have to want him completely and have to be willing to do anything for him.

Mr. Snake Guy's feminine self is expressed through open-mindedness. When being passive he is very easy-going and detached. He is very unique, quirky, and likes freedom. He hates over emotion and avoids confrontation because he is more mentally focused. As a woman, he would be the quirky friendly type who is romantically undemanding.

The main problem with me and Mr. Snake Guy was that there were yeses to 1, 2, and 4 but a huge no to 3. For number 3 was a more common occurrence. When I am express my passivity, I tend to cling and hold on whereas when he expressed his passivity he would get very detached. I would take his detachment as a sign of neglect and not caring when he was just giving me my space. Which in turn just made me cling more and more and with him made him grow more and more detached.

It was very rare when we both would try to dominate at the same time. But on those rare instances, I would say that we were not all the way compatible but we did not clash either. It was more like student-to-teacher. When I would act fanciful and free he would try to correct it and I would be willing to listen (Whereas with Mister I would not). I'm the student, he's the teacher.

Because occurrence number 3 dominated our relationship, of course it all went shot to hell.


Jersey

Jersey's masculine side is expressed through the fact that he is very goal-oriented and practical. He is not overly aggressive and remains pretty neutral. He can be a little over critical and particular. He is very restless and dibbles and dabbles in many things. He is the work focused type and tells the ladies "money over bitches".

Jersey's feminine side is expressed through making a lot of noise. When he is not trying to dominate and he is in his passive comfort zone, he can be very proud yet very warm, generous, and big-hearted. He likes attention and likes to show off but he is energetic and a lot of fun. He is however possessive and stubborn. As a woman, he would be the chick who is very physically affectionate, likes PDA, but is very lighthearted and playful about it.

With me and Jersey it's pretty much the same with me and Mr. Snake Guy. There is a yes to 1, 2, and 4 but a no to 3. Except three is not that common of an occurance...and when it does occur, it isn't as drastic. When both of us are in our comfort zones and are passive, we clash because we are both possessive and stubborn. We have a conflict of wills but it usually subsides because we admire each other's strength of character.

Like Mr. Snake Guy, we do are not all the way compatible when we both try to dominate but we do not clash. The only difference is, I'm the teacher and he's the student. I show him how to let up a little more because he can be overly practical.

Jersey is a classic example of how the compatibility is there, but the chemistry is not...or it at least has to grow.


More of the Same

Sometimes our masculine and feminine sides do not match up which is why we have a hard time finding fulfilling relationships. This is what I was trying to get across while trying to explain the whole Desire vs. Romance thing (above I re-explained the whole Chemistry vs. Compatibility).

What satisfies one side, may not satisfy the other. So we are always left wanting more when it comes to our personal relationships. If you are in this position, the only way to find true romantic fulfillment is to either really take the time to understand your romantic parter when no occurances take place or to find someone where occurances 1-4 are yes.

The questions regarding compatibility above can also be used toward sexuality in the bedroom as it pertains to dominance and passivity.

It is my belief that because women tend to be more passive and express their femininity, they seek men who exhibit characteristics of their masculine side.

Becuase men tend to be more dominate and express their masculinity, they seek women who exhibit characteristics of their feminine side.

If you are a well-balance person, you go back and forth between the two or look for a combination. If you are an aggressive female who likes to dominate, you probably look for guys who express the passive aspect of yourself. If you are a passive guy, you probably look for girls who express the aggressive aspect of yourself.


Examples

Mister is probably primarily attracted to tomboyish, playful, lively women (I do not know for sure but if my perspective is correct this would be true). He probably attracts women who like men that are calm, strong, and passively aggressive.

Mr. Snake Guy probably is primarily attracted to easy-going, detached, unique, quirky women. He probably primarily attracts women who like intense, willful, sexual, controlling guys.

Jersy probably is primarily attracted to enthusiastic, proud, center-of-attention type women. He probably primarily attracts women who like practical, goal-oriented type guys.

Take me for instance, I like to consider myself as well-balanced. I express both my masculine and feminine sides in equal intervals. So tend to be attracted to the charismatic gentleman as well as the intense, controlling guys. Or a combination of the two (which is probably why I liked all the guys above at one point in time because I feel they too are well-balanced and their two sides kind of makes up this combination).