Check Mate

This Mister person is getting on my nerves. I like him but I ain't lovin him right now.

In light of recent events, I have successfully given myself a one way ticket into the Xzone. I just had the dreaded conversation regarding the X with Mister. I mean really, why does this dude have to keep coming up in conversations? With every new relationship there comes a time when you have to delve into people's previous relationship history. I honestly think that it's the most uncomfortable topic to rehash....especially when it has become so irrelevant. I've never been one who liked looking back into the past...I'm a person who revels in today and carefully plans for tomorrow. Whenever I try to talk about my serious past experiences, I try my best to forget the details and just focus on the lesson learned. But when it comes to moving forward in a relationship, you have no choice but to look backwards.

So I finally told him the long, drawn out story regarding the X. He told me about his X a few months back...and now, it was finally my turn to lay my cards on the table. While laying my cards on the table, I thought that I was coming at him with a Full House, I was sure I could make the conversation turn out in my favor...but he was able to get over on me with a Straight Flush. In conversations like these, the house always wins. If this conversation was a game of chess, he would have had me in Check Mate.

Of course he had to discover my oh so dramatic emotional rollacoaster...including two pregnancies, one miscarriage, and of course my experiences popping pills and the like. This of course led him to ask questions regarding my experiences before the X...which is an even more trying topic. Luckily, I was able to distract his attention from going any further back than 2002. I have made the conscience decision that I will take my history to my grave. I will leave my baggage at the door when it comes to my personal relationships...it causes too many problems and in the end you end up developing a dependency (which is so the opposite of who I really am).

N e ways.... after telling him the story of the X...that's when the games began. I was hounded with two-thousand and one questions....and had to give details to things that I did not necessarily want to give details to. It was like opening Pandora's Box. Surprisingly I was not uncomfortable with the emotions surrounding it...I guess because I'm over it...I was more concerned with being judged.

I thought I was handling everything pretty well up until the past had to meet the present. After everything was said and done and I thought I was in the clear and started thinking I'm glad that's over with, Mister began asking me questions that led me to believe that he felt that the past was not the past...and that the X is very much a part of the present. All I could think of was Damn! Here we go with this bullshit.

I basically reiterated the conversation that I had with him on Friday and assured him that the whole November thing was completely irrelevant. I think that after Friday he was convinced that November was irrelevant, but after hearing the story behind it he once again began getting skeptical. Then I realized that the whole conversation was a trap. I should had waited to tell him the story....way after all this shit blew over. He set the nets and I fell right in.

All I could think of was why the hell are we back here again? I thought this was over. And once again I found myself thinking, why does this dude have to keep being brought up in conversation? What's done was done...I do not understand the logic behind rewinding, pushing play, and then rewinding agian. It seems rather pointless.

I guess he could not get his mind around the fact that me and the X occasionally hit each other up from time to time. He asked me why do you occasionally hit this nigga up? I told him that I felt that being home in Baltimore gets a little dull sometimes because the majority of people are stupid. I told him that despite all the bad things that I can say about the X, I must say that I do respect his intelligence. After having so many conversations about beefin, babies, boys, etc...all you want to do is talk to someone who can stimulate your brain. That's what I'm used to in school and it drives me crazy when I'm at home. I told him that I think that it's sad that the X is such a smart person who does not live up to his potential. I go to a school who are the supposed "cream of the crop" and somehow I feel he belongs there. But he's wasting away in Baltimore with the rest of the Baltimorans because he has no endurance.

After much back and forth, I guess he hit me with the question that has been lingering on his mind for the past couple of days...Do you still have feelings for that nigga? As soon as the words came out of his mouth, I wanted to punch him. Don't ask me why...but that was my initial feeling.

I told him that that was irrelevant. Then he started yelling and screaming about how he is tired of hearing the word irrelevant. He told me to pick a new word. I told him that it was irrelevant because the way I approach my X has nothing to do with the way I may or may not feel...at the end of the day, regardless of how I may or may not feel, me and the X would NEVER work out. From his end, he keeps me around for sex. He has a strong sexual attraction towards me and it basically ends there. He has someone who he is in love with. From my end, he still lives in his grandparents basement and has yet to pursue a degree and I'm doing too much with my life to settle for that....not to mention he is unfaithful. I summed up the conversation by saying and for those reasons, your question is irrelevant.

He hung up on me. I called him back and he did not answer. I texted him what the hell was that all about?

His response: You never answered the question.