Do Girls Really Like Dating Jerks?

I came across this article and found it a little interesting...Enjoy!



She Says vs. He Says: Do Girls Really Like Dating Jerks?

SHE SAYS: No, but we think we do. As someone who dated a jerk, whom I now refer to as my "learning experience," I admit to falling under the jerk spell. Here's how the jerk spell works: we meet the jerk and in some twisted way are seduced by his confidence, charm, and passion. We don't see these as the disguises they are: confidence is really arrogance, charm comes from him being a player, and his passion is being the center of his own universe.

The jerk sniffs out our insecurities and uses them to reel us in with compliments that eventually turn into criticisms. And if we see a red flag, like the time my "learning experience" told me his definition of a relationship was "light, fun and physical," we play mind games with ourselves. We use our normally rational inner voice to convince ourselves that we can tame him or that with the right kind of girlfriend he will lose his jerk armor and transform into a leading man fit for a romantic comedy. Come on ladies, what are we thinking?!

A jerk loves being a jerk -- way more than he loves us. I guess if they've always gotten away with treating people poorly and nobody ever set them straight, why would they change? Besides, a jerk seems to always have an attractive woman on his arm laughing at his mediocre jokes and ignoring his wandering gaze. How? I think it's because deep down every woman wants a challenge or a little danger. It's not really the jerk we like; it's the thrill of the chase, the rush of adrenaline when the jerk's phone number pops up on our cell (which is usually right after last call).

However, it's been my experience that "jerkdom" isn't some phase we can pull a guy out of. Guys only outgrow that phase when life no longer succumbs to their demands. Any woman who has dated a jerk for more than a week knows that it's a hollow relationship that ultimately leaves you disappointed, hurt, and commiserating with your friends.

The only challenge worth overcoming when dating a jerk is to not let him affect or define your self worth. So if there is a jerk out there making your heart go pitter-pat and estrogen is messing with your reasoning, go ahead and let him woo you, but when he asks for your number tell him that you only date guys who prove their value by respecting a woman. If he's a jerk he'll roll his eyes, say you have an attitude and snicker as he leaves. If he sincerely accepts your ground rules, then chances are you should give him at least one date to prove he's relationship material. Although you may not be spellbound at first, the nice guy without all the smooth answers may ultimately fulfill your needs in more meaningful ways.


HE SAYS: As much as I hate to say it, girls love jerks! At least until the jerk stops calling, which is usually right after he gets what he wants. Speaking from the guy's perspective, I've never quite understood what draws sane, attractive, bright women to guys who act like jerks. Maybe it is the thrill of the unexpected. Maybe it is trying to outplay him in his own game. Maybe it is hoping that deep down he is a nice guy and you are going to prove it to your naysayer friends. What I do know is that too many women who could easily be in a healthy relationship instead choose the cliffhanger ending of dating a jerk that walks with a swagger, winks at anything that moves, and always has a one-liner at the ready.

Truth be told, there aren't many nice guys who haven't considered acting like a jerk, especially when they steal your girl (here I speak from experience). However, daydreaming of jerkdom fades as soon as nice guys remember one thing: being a jerk means acting like a jerk all the time. That means causing the mental pain and emotional anguish that drives a girl to phone her friends -- guy friends included -- crying about what the jerk did to her in public on their first date. Even guys bear the brunt of girls who fall head over heels for jerks.

If you're a girl who feels worse about yourself with every jerk you date, I hope you will make a big move towards respecting yourself and go on a date with a nice guy. They may not offer the drama and constant criticism you've come to expect, but they also won't try to hook up with you after dropping off their other girlfriend.


COURTNEY SAYS:No. We are not attracted to jerks. Rather, we are attracted to a guys potential and consistently confuse infatuation with love Women have a tendency to not take a guy as is. We see what he could be. We do not fall in love with the person in front of us. Rather, we fall in love with the ideal that we create in our own minds. Women have to realistically ask themselves Does this person fulfill the characteristics that I ultimately want in a man? If no, then there is a good chance that you are confusing infatuation with love.

Further, women have a hard time admitting when they are wrong. The more they have invested in a guy, the more they try to "save face". When women find themselves in a state of denial, it rarely has to do with love. It's about keeping ourselves from admitting that we have been a complete idiot the entire time. The excuses we make for jerks is in actuality, excuses that we make for ourselves. Admitting our man is a jerk implies that we have to admit we played a fool. And for a lot of women, it is a hard pill to swallow.

Women have to learn that it is important to assess a person's values. Your values is your core, your values is what makes you you. If a person's values does not coincide with your values....STAY AWAY! A person can tell you what their values are but actions speak louder than words. If a person wholehardedly believes something is wrong, they will not do it. Psychologically, it creates too much inner self-conflict. Look how they treat the people around them. That is the BEST indication of what they value. Look at the people they keep around them. That is the next best indication of what they value. Listen to what people around them say about them. Do you hear more good things, bad things, or nothing at all? Men praise other men....trust me, a good guy will always be praised as a good guy.

I have spent many of days analyzing how men and women relate to each other intimately, and I have learned that the analysis is rather simple than my complicated mind likes to make it. The point is ladies is this:

1. Jerks like being jerks. It gives them a thrill.
2. Nice guys are not thrilling if you are not thrilling.

Addressing number 1, I have been fortunate enough to have encountered so many types of people...both extremely good and extremely bad. Because of this, I have found that people despite their gender tend to be more jerkish when they have shallow goals or the will to reach their goals. They are people without conviction. And you need both will and conviction when it comes to sticking with your moral center. I find that Baltimorans tend be more jerkish than the people at my school....but that is because Baltimorans tend to have shallow goals. For example, a woman who is not working, on welfare, has a child, and is dependent on a man financially who works as a janitor is more likely going to be prone to get into middle school he say, she say drama at the age of 30 than somebody who is really working on getting the most out of life. It it those people who need the thrill of being a jerk to make their mundane lives feel like it is worth something.

Adrressing number 2, I do not know why girls think nice guys are not thrilling. If a nice guy is not thrilling enough for you, there is a good possibility that you yourself are not a thrilling person. Especially in the black community particularly in Baltimore, where that "ghetto love" is what we live by. There are a lot of things in the black community that is seen as taboo which unfortunately keeps us from seeking thrill elsewhere outside the fussing and fighting of our relationships. To me the thrill of a relationship is not in the fussing and fighting, it's not in the challenge of the chase. Rather, it is in sharing experiences. Find someone who is going to experience things with you...someone who you can travel with and do new things with....women have to remember that they too have to be interesting and have to bring something to the table besides the fussing and fighting.