Trigger Happy

I guess it's that time again.....

Every now and again I go through periods when my mind goes "trigger happy". I'm a person who has been through a lot of shit in my life and I have a tendency to hold it all in. I say time and time again that most people feel that holding things in is an unhealthy habit but I beg to differ. I think holding things in and keeping your composure is just part of being an adult and is the very thing that helps you push through life to get to where you need to be. It's that soldier mentality.

If everyone sat around himmin and hawin about all the shit they've gone through, then everyone would still be livin like most of the Baltimorans I know. As much as most HGMs (hot ghetto messes) like to think that they are invicinble, go around holding their balls, or constantly getting in bitches faces, to me they are weak because many of them don't have enough strength in them to overcome their circumstances. They are weak enough to let their trials make them hostile, angry, careless, and defensive.

Regardless of the trials I have faced and despite the fact that I'm waiting for that point in my life where I feel like the hustle is over, I still try to maintain the perspective that I'm a very blessed person. Times do get a little rough but I always try to remember that there are people who are significantly less fortunate. Some people have to consistently live with war or live in a country where a substantial number of their family members are lost to AIDS.

But the fact still remains....I'm still a bitch with many unresolved issues. Even though I for the most part have a good handle on them, every once in the blue moon I get a sharp pang in my stomach and want to throw up (no really I actually threw up today). As I said, my mind goes trigger happy and all the things that have happened to me in the past flashes before me as if I were flipping through TV commercials. I'm not freakin out about it or anything since I'm used to it...it's just one of those things that has to past. It's just that it's an inconvenience considering it's just about finals time and I feel I have ADD.

Today I picked up my phone to check the time, put it down on the counter, then asked my roomate "damn, where the hell did I put my phone?". Then I thought I lost my roomates calculator only to find it in the refridgerator. The point is, I'm definitely distracted and I'm having a hard time focusing. I really do not have time to give myself any type of attention when it comes to what's going on down under. I have a ton of school work for the last week of classes, I have finals, I still owe the school some money (I got it down from $15,000 to $1500), I still have to pack my shit by the 14th, and I still have to get all my paperwork and arrangements together for my move to Vegas.

I'm a big girl so it ain't nothing but it would be nice to have a break and to know that I have a safety net....

"Everybody has got somethin'"