Getting In My Head

Lately I have been holding a lot of things in. Overall I'm pretty happy and feel extremely blessed with my life. The greatest gift God has given me is resiliency. I have been shot down so many times by life and there is something in me that always uses the little strength that I have to get back up and keep fighting. I feel like a soldier in a dessert war. There is no such thing as a break. I'm either spending my time dodging grenades or I am trying to keep from fainting from the scorching heat. Of course I do not expect life to be perfect but hustlin' most certainly wears you down. As they say, hustlin' aint easy. You can shoot off my arms, you can shoot off my legs, you can do whatever you want to me but you ain't takin' my heart. I absolutely WILL NOT STOP UNTIL I CROSS THE FINISH LINE...even if I have to finish last.

I have been bustin' my ass to make sure I get mine but of course, as always in the life of Courtney Thompson, there are an endless amount of hurdles. Hurdles do not really phase me anymore...I have adapted to the fact that no matter how good your game is, it can always be better. No matter where you are in life, there will always be something...but that shouldn't keep you from doin' you and feeling blessed. I don't believe in contentment. The majority of the time I feel like I'm holding my breadth. I'm patiently waiting for the day when I finally get to BREATH! I guess you can say I'm literally waiting to exhale out this bitch. lol.

I will not go into detail about why I've recently been feeling a little pissed because I have decided to focus on the fact that in less than 2 weeks I'll be in Vegas and the shit won't matter. All that I have left to say is:

"Courtney Thompson is going to have serious B-A-N-K sometime in the near future and when that day comes I feel sorry for all the haters, violators, and perpetrators. ANYONE WHO DOESN'T HAVE MY BACK NOW CAN ROYALY KISS MY ASS LATER! I'm easy and breezy when it comes to cutting people off...no matter how close we once were or are suppose to be."

Wwwwwoooooooossssssaaaaaahhhhhhh! lol.

In other news.....

I have made the conscious decison not to go into to much detail regarding my love life...primarily because it's not that exciting at the moment and because writing about my love life on blogspot or lj causes too much drama. But since this is another round of Getting In My Head, I feel that it is appropriate to say what has been on my mind recently regarding this aspect of my life. Especially since it's been in the forefront of my mind lately.

I think that I can honestly say that I have truly fallen for someone. I have a habit of "fake" fallen for people and then I stop liking them 2 weeks later for a very random reason. But for some reason this time around, the shit will not go away. And the worst thing about it is that I've tried to make it go away and it just won't. This is the first time that I have admitted to myself that I may be really feelin' this particular somebody...I may even actually be (hold your breadth)in love (this took a lot out of me to write down considering I really don't want to admit this possibility).

For the sake of this journal, I'll address him as Mr. Mystery.

Mr. Mystery is someone from the past who has always had a place in my heart. I think the reason why my feelings are hitting me so hard is because I will not be going to Baltimore for the summer and after the summer, I'll be right back in Pittsburgh unil May 09. I am now facing the realization that the opportunity to grow and build something with this particular person will come and go. It's a very hard pill for me to swallow.

My feelings toward the guy in question is deeper than what I expected them to be and my feelings have completely caught me off guard. I absolutely cannot stop thinking about him. I absolutely cannot stop talking about him. I always bring him up randomly in conversations because he literally is always on my mind. It's been this way for a long time and I'm finally giving into it. I now understand the saying "You cannot help who you fall in love with". I'm fighting my feelings with a tooth and nail but the effort is pointless.

I'm also learning that I really never have been in love at all. Correction. I always knew that to be true but because most people tend to disagree, I feel the need to reaffirm it. The feelings I have for Mr. Mystery feels so much different from the time when I thought I was in love. I think during the first time around, I had very very little relationship experience....both physically and emotionally. I had nothing to compare anything to...especially since the majority of people in my life have dysfunctional reltionships. Because I did not have anything to compare my new feelings to, I attributed those feelings to being in love.

The most ridiculous thing about back then was, I was "in love" with any guy who I had a decent and remotely sustainable friendship with (i.e. Lips, NC, Feet, and Mr. Snake Guy...well maybe not Feet). I approached all three of them in the same way. The wierd thing about it is, just like women, guys never realize that what you are telling them you are certainly telling someone else. Each one thought they were the center of my existence. I'm not saying that I was trying to play anybody because if you read my past journal entries that was most certainly far, far from the case....I was simply confused. From my past experiences with men, I was able to understand the saying "You cannot truly love anybody until you learn to love yourself". That was a period in my life where I most certainly was somewhere lost in the emmense and endless depths of self-hate (I know, I'm being a lil dramatic).

When you hate yourself, you cling onto anything floating by just to keep yourself from drowning. You have this "please save me" complex. You cling harder and harder to the person because you know once you let go you are going to drown. One guy used to pull me onto his raft only to think it was funny to deflate it and go swimming with alligators (NC's drug addict ass). Another guy would pull me onto his raft but if another damsel-in-distress came along he would push you off and beat you with an oar...or better yet, if the tides were too turbulent, he would let both the chics drown so the raft wouldn't be too heavy so he could save himself (Mr. Snake Guy). The other guy was a true lifesaver...only you had to make sure you didn't wave to anyone in the passing rafts who had a dick otherwise he would throw you overboard and hold your head under water (Lips).

I did not love any of these guys. They were just convenient. Their raft just happened to float by me while I was drowning. And once I was on board, even if I didn't 100% like them, I damn sure tried my hardest to stick around so I would not be tossed out to sea. I needed them, I did not want them.

I had been lost out to sea for so long that my dumb ass forgot that I already knew how to swim (go figure). Why look for someone to save you when you can save yourself? I'm proud to say that I have successfully made it to shore. Firmly grounded. So now is the opportune time me to truly open myself up to someone.

I think the primary reason why some of friends think that I perpetrate when it comes to the love thang regarding Mr. Snake Guy is because I wrote about him so much on livejournal. But in all reality, I think the main reason why he was the primary focus on my lj was because I knew that him and his lamo girlfriend without a life was reading it (I bet you that dumb chic is still with him...but that's besides the point).

In the past, I could never open up. Opening up had nothing to do with fact that I've been through a lot of shit. Just from reading my blog, it should be evident that I'm pretty much an open book. I could not open up to any of the guys that I dealt with in my past simply because they were not for me. Mister taught me that lesson.

Mister was really good to me. Despite the fact that he was good to me, I still found myself rather closed. And I could not blame it on my past because by the time I started talking to him, I was over it and had taught myself to move on.

The rapport I had with Mister was the same rapport I had with Mr. Snake Guy. I felt very closed and found it damn near impossible to be myself. When this happened with Mr. Snake Guy, I thought that it was because he was condescending...but after dealing with Mister and finding that my attitude was the same, I realized that it had to be something else. Because I was never sexually active with Mister, it was much easier for me to discern what feelings were due to what things. Sex causes you to displace your feelings and that's why so many psychologist say sex can ruin relationships. When all came down to it, I discovered I cannot open up to people who I don't like. I never allowed Mr. Snake Guy to get to know me...he never had me.

Mister was good to me but I despised him. He was good-looking but the thought of sleeping with him made me want to throw up. He irked my soul. If I continued dealing with him for the long-term, I would most definitely end up being one of those women on the AE channel who murdered their husband via a BB-Gun to the ass because he said something stupid.

On the onset of my relationship with Mr. Snake Guy (before the sex), I really did not pay him any attention. He was so awkward and a bit of a cornball, I was kind of embarrassed to call him my boyfriend. I rarely called him or acknowledged him in public. During the course of my involvement with him, there were always other guys. I used to have phone sex with guys and talk about just how much I did not like him. Every time I went to his house I would be so bored that I would fall asleep. All of of that changed once I had sex with him. It was not the actual act of sex that made me change my perspective of him, but it was what he told me right before we did it. That was something that I held onto for along time while I was involved with him.

Even though Mister was good to me, he had Mr. Snake Guy tendencies. Both of them are two people who like to win. Both of them are two people who will not take "no" for an answer. Both of them have the persistence of a used car salesman. In all reality, I think that was the only reason why Mister was so good to me....he felt a compulsive need to win because I was not giving it up. I think that if I did let him fuck me, I would most certainly be feeling like Boo Boo the Fool right now. This may sound wierd but, it was through Mister that I truly got to see who Mr. Snake Guy really was. Both of them are guys who want what everyone else can't have. They like trophies. They like a lot of fuss over themselves. Most guys are like this in general but the two of them are more than determined than ever to win the game. They are competitive, shallow, and do not understand the true value of selfless love. (Mister never proved that he was shallow are did not understand the value of selfless love but that's because I never gave him a chance to...I think he had it in him though)

I kind of went off on a tanget...so let's get back to the guy that matters...Mr. Mystery. As I tend to state time and time again, I absolutely love dating. In the past, I had never met a guy who can hold my attention enough that I would give up the dating scene. Even with Mr. Snake Guy, there were always multiple guys in the picture. I think that the reason why I can get away with it with a lot of guys is becasue most guys know that I don't put out so they aren't that threatened by it...of course, I usually keep them in the dark to the extent of my dating experience. Technically, I cheated on Mr. Snake Guy way before he ever cheated on me (he never knew about it). Before I had sex with him, I used to participate in elaborate foreplay with other men. But I was always good at maintaining my innocence.

Mr. Mystery, however, is one out of two guys who ever made me not even want to consider talking to another guy. Since Mr. Mystery has been in the forefront of my mind, I have not been on a single date. The last date I went on, I cut the guy off immediately afterwards because the whole time I was out with him, all I could think about was Mr. Mystery. That has never happened to me before. There has only been two guys in my whole entire life that I could see as being the "one-and-only". I have yet to write about the other guy yet. I usually don't talk about guys who I'm really feeling over the internet because I'm afraid that they may find my journal and know who I'm talking about.