Last One...I Promise LOL!

The main idea behind me retiring my blog as a personal journal is primarily because I will be leaving Baltimore tomorrow and come Monday will be restarting school. I just really want to be refocused on all the goals that I have set for myself, including ones that are not school related. Because of that, I do not want to absorb myself with so much computer time which includes blogspot, myspace, fb, and shopping. With that said, since I still have a few days to play, I decided that one more entry would not hurt.


Dominance and Passiveness


Anyone who has been keeping up with my journal knows that I am clearly obsessed with relationship topics. This is so strange considering I'm one who is usually put off by relationships. In retrospect, as I've mentioned many times before, I'm not against relationships...I fully embrace them...I just have a fear of being in the wrong relationship that falls significantly short of my ideals. Hence my obsession to determining the factors of relationships that keep people at odds and keep people from obtaining True Romance.

As I go through my relationships with people in general, my perspective regarding compatibility has changed...sometimes slightly, sometimes drastically. Sometimes I pull thoughts out my ass and later realize that I'm so incredibly off....sometimes I give careful thought to the process, come up with something, and realize later that there lies a simpler answer...or a more simpler way of explaining things. In my last entry regarding relationships, Desire vs. Romance; Chemistry vs. Compatibility, I confused a lot of people. So I'm going to try to provide a more simpler explanation.

In my opinion, I believe that everyone has a masculine side to them as well as a feminine side to them. Our masculine side usually reflects our desires, our ability to take control, our aggressiveness and need to dominate....our feminine side usually reflects our romantic urges, our passiveness, our comfort zone. When you express your masculine side it does not mean you are acting like a man nor does expressing your feminine side mean you are acting like a female. It's about dominance vs. passivity. How do you act when you try to dominate? How do you act when you are passive in your comfort zone?

Some may express one side more often than the other. But when it comes to intimately dealing with another person, the balance between dominance and passivity plays a critical role in overall compatibility and chemistry.

There are some people who you may find yourself dominating whereas there are some instances where in your interaction you find yourself more passive. In romantic relationships, because we deal so closely with a person on a day to day basis, we get the full experience of that person. We see when they dominate, we see when they are passive. When it comes to compatibility we must ask ourselves the following questions:

1. When I decide to dominate and my partner is passive do we get along?

2. When I decide to dominate and my partner wants to dominate do we get along?

3. When I decide to be passive and my partner decides to be passive do we get along?

4. When I decide to be passive and my partner decides to dominate do we get along?

If the answer is yes to all the above questions, the only thing you need to worry about is chemistry and understanding emotional differences. If the answer is no to any of the above questions, the only thing you need to worry about is how often does this occurrence happen? If the answer is no to all the above questions, then maybe you need rethink who you are with...or at least maybe a good sexual relationship could come out it. lol

I will use Mister, Jersey, and Mr. Snake Guy strictly as examples as what I'm trying to get across but first let me shed a little bit of insight about me:

My masculine self is expressed through being charming, flirtatious, compromising, spontaneous, love of change, and free...where I use charm and my ability to please to dominate people...if I were a guy I would be the charismatic gentleman telling all the ladies how they look so beautiful and if there is anything I could do to assist them....

My feminine self is expressed through being emotionally close and intimate, intense, committal, possessive, soulfully complex, secretive, lustfully addicted, and profoundly romantic. As a woman, I am a controlled whore and I want to posses a man in mind, body, and soul. lol.



Mister

Mister's masculine self is expressed through passive-aggressiveness. He is very defensive yet tenacious. He is extremely protective. As a man he is like the calm, strong type telling ladies that he will make himself fully available to them but he is still closely watching whether or not they are going to screw him over...and if they do, watch out!

Mister's feminine self is expressed similar to my masculine self. When he is feeling more passive and not focused on dominating, he is lively, spontaneous, and loves to participate in a variety of activities. As a women, he would be the tomboy whose idea of romance is not candlelit dinners but is playing a one-on-one basketball game.

The main problem with me and Mister is that when both of us are feeling in a romantic mood, when we are simultaneously being passive, we do not necessarily clash but we are consistently making adjustments to each others difference in romantic style (i.e. the answer to question 3 is no). When we are both simultaneously trying to dominate the relationship, we clash head on...to the point where there is definitely a risk of physical aggression (i.e. the answer to question 2 is no). When I am doing what I want to do and taking the reigns, I like to be fanciful and free...which angers him because he would rather lock me away and have me to himself.

The only way that me and Mister would have a healthy, successful relationship is if the roles were always balanced. When he is expressing his masculine side, I would be expressing my feminine side and vice versa. But the thing is, in the way that we relate to each other, this is a rare occurrence. When one of us tries to dominate the other rises to the occasion, when one of us falls back, the other does as well.

Hence the reason why we would never work.


Mr. Snake Guy

Mr. Snake Guy's masculine self is expressed through a lot of willpower. He gets his way through sheer will. He is pretty cool and balanced even when he is fully frustrated. He is possessive of the women he gets involved with although I'm sure he will not admit it or show it. He is uncompromising...it's either this or that (whereas I like the middle). He can be manipulative and resentful. As a man he is the the type who purely likes to dominate and he tells the ladies that they have to want him completely and have to be willing to do anything for him.

Mr. Snake Guy's feminine self is expressed through open-mindedness. When being passive he is very easy-going and detached. He is very unique, quirky, and likes freedom. He hates over emotion and avoids confrontation because he is more mentally focused. As a woman, he would be the quirky friendly type who is romantically undemanding.

The main problem with me and Mr. Snake Guy was that there were yeses to 1, 2, and 4 but a huge no to 3. For number 3 was a more common occurrence. When I am express my passivity, I tend to cling and hold on whereas when he expressed his passivity he would get very detached. I would take his detachment as a sign of neglect and not caring when he was just giving me my space. Which in turn just made me cling more and more and with him made him grow more and more detached.

It was very rare when we both would try to dominate at the same time. But on those rare instances, I would say that we were not all the way compatible but we did not clash either. It was more like student-to-teacher. When I would act fanciful and free he would try to correct it and I would be willing to listen (Whereas with Mister I would not). I'm the student, he's the teacher.

Because occurrence number 3 dominated our relationship, of course it all went shot to hell.


Jersey

Jersey's masculine side is expressed through the fact that he is very goal-oriented and practical. He is not overly aggressive and remains pretty neutral. He can be a little over critical and particular. He is very restless and dibbles and dabbles in many things. He is the work focused type and tells the ladies "money over bitches".

Jersey's feminine side is expressed through making a lot of noise. When he is not trying to dominate and he is in his passive comfort zone, he can be very proud yet very warm, generous, and big-hearted. He likes attention and likes to show off but he is energetic and a lot of fun. He is however possessive and stubborn. As a woman, he would be the chick who is very physically affectionate, likes PDA, but is very lighthearted and playful about it.

With me and Jersey it's pretty much the same with me and Mr. Snake Guy. There is a yes to 1, 2, and 4 but a no to 3. Except three is not that common of an occurance...and when it does occur, it isn't as drastic. When both of us are in our comfort zones and are passive, we clash because we are both possessive and stubborn. We have a conflict of wills but it usually subsides because we admire each other's strength of character.

Like Mr. Snake Guy, we do are not all the way compatible when we both try to dominate but we do not clash. The only difference is, I'm the teacher and he's the student. I show him how to let up a little more because he can be overly practical.

Jersey is a classic example of how the compatibility is there, but the chemistry is not...or it at least has to grow.


More of the Same

Sometimes our masculine and feminine sides do not match up which is why we have a hard time finding fulfilling relationships. This is what I was trying to get across while trying to explain the whole Desire vs. Romance thing (above I re-explained the whole Chemistry vs. Compatibility).

What satisfies one side, may not satisfy the other. So we are always left wanting more when it comes to our personal relationships. If you are in this position, the only way to find true romantic fulfillment is to either really take the time to understand your romantic parter when no occurances take place or to find someone where occurances 1-4 are yes.

The questions regarding compatibility above can also be used toward sexuality in the bedroom as it pertains to dominance and passivity.

It is my belief that because women tend to be more passive and express their femininity, they seek men who exhibit characteristics of their masculine side.

Becuase men tend to be more dominate and express their masculinity, they seek women who exhibit characteristics of their feminine side.

If you are a well-balance person, you go back and forth between the two or look for a combination. If you are an aggressive female who likes to dominate, you probably look for guys who express the passive aspect of yourself. If you are a passive guy, you probably look for girls who express the aggressive aspect of yourself.


Examples

Mister is probably primarily attracted to tomboyish, playful, lively women (I do not know for sure but if my perspective is correct this would be true). He probably attracts women who like men that are calm, strong, and passively aggressive.

Mr. Snake Guy probably is primarily attracted to easy-going, detached, unique, quirky women. He probably primarily attracts women who like intense, willful, sexual, controlling guys.

Jersy probably is primarily attracted to enthusiastic, proud, center-of-attention type women. He probably primarily attracts women who like practical, goal-oriented type guys.

Take me for instance, I like to consider myself as well-balanced. I express both my masculine and feminine sides in equal intervals. So tend to be attracted to the charismatic gentleman as well as the intense, controlling guys. Or a combination of the two (which is probably why I liked all the guys above at one point in time because I feel they too are well-balanced and their two sides kind of makes up this combination).

A Dozen Irises for Lyric

Here are a couple of exerts for a book that I have begun writing, some editing is needed, let me know what you think:


I thought the therapists would be my savior. I thought that they could help me. I thought that they could give me some understanding as to why things were the way they were. I wanted to stop escaping the world by living through other people’s eyes. I wanted my perspective to take hold of the reality that was in front of me. I wanted to be free. Most importantly, I wanted them to tell me that I was crazy…to give me some reason for the disparity between me and everyone else. Diagnosis: Sane. Was I crazy or was I just a good actress?

(Add-ons) I’d rather try a band-aid
which is not made to stick forever
and was never known to heal deep wounds


It was the Autumn of o’five and I was just returning back to Carnegie Mellon University after taking a semester hiatus. I had left the spring before to supposedly get my life together and attend to foregoing health problems. Working three jobs, being an overactive student, meetin’ and greetin’ the pink and yellow people, and carrying the weight of my shaky past had started to take its toll on me. I had been exhausted. I thought the only solace I could find was to return back to Baltimore, my home in Sin City.

(Transition)

I lay on top of my light blue duck down blanket in the middle of Schenley Park letting the cool fall air whisk gently against my blank face while looking at the shapeless stars, mere dots glittering the sky. The wind made my eyes burn to tears. But the wind, like a mother’s hand, whimsically lifted my tears to be forever lost in space. I was sprawled out on the gradually sloping Flagstaff Hill like da Vinci’s Vitruvian Man. I felt like I was the image on the other side of a mirror. Glazed over, magnified, and ultimately completely ass backwards. Perfectly balanced. Perfectly drunk. If I had of drank just two ounces more of Beringer Private Reserve Chardonnay I would have been quietly howling to the moon, hazily reveling in the enchantment of my insanity.

The Moon. So passive, so receptive, so hidden, yet so full knowing it held all the earth’s secrets. Emotional yet complete.

(Add-ons)

It reminded me of my first week at Carnegie. I had spent a total of two hours waiting in line to view Mars from a telescope in this very same spot. The event was sponsored by the Astronomy Association. It was the only day over a period of 60,000 years where Mars was going to be this close to the earth. I really did not care much for it, but I was dragged down to Schenley by an insistent, over-excited chic I met in my Intro to Business class. We were instant friends given the fact that we were the only graham crackers in a box of saltines. She said it was a good way to meet new people. But as I looked around at the array of faces, I could not find any connection that gave me a sense of recognition. It seemed as if I was drowning in a sea of pink and yellow, brown and teal. Were those our school colors or did everyone have the same wardrobe? There I stood, wearing a glittered maroon shirt, a short black skirt, fishnet stockings, and some knee-high boots. To them, I must have looked more like a fifty cent hooker rather than a student of universitas academia.

I felt out of my element…being surrounded by the pink people had to be a Baltimorians worse nightmare. My eyes pleaded please don't lynch me. I stood there, stiffly, thinking that if I did not move just maybe they would not see me. The ambiance felt as if it was a night on Elm Street and I was surrounded by pale white ghost. A sudden surge of homesickness raced through my heart, it went just as quickly as it came. After a minute of intake, the feeling of apprehension subsided and started to feel more like I had traveled to some foreign land and everyone innately knew to ignore the tourists.

It's Been One Hell of a Ride Part Deux

Okay boys and gals,

I mentioned back in November that I would be retiring my journal. As you see, it is nearly two months later and I'm still here. This blog thing can be addictive. lol. Because I will be going back to school and since this a start of a new year, I think that this is the most opportune time to bid my farewell.

I will continue to write from time to time but for the most part, I'm going to ween myself off this thing...again. Further, the time that I spend writing on blogspot or lj is time that I could be using for more significant writing projects. This blog thing is so insignificant and is merely a bunch of randomness put on paper.

Once again, I hope that you enjoyed getting a very small glimpse of my life and I hope you remember not to take everything that I have written literally. Some thoughts I have written have been things that I have actually experienced and felt, while others were merely me talking out my ass.

I will continue to spotlight different books, artists, etc. because I believe that people need to expand their minds more and stop being closed-minded and static. I will be posting exerts from writing projects because my computer sometimes acts stupid and I have yet to go out and buy a travel drive so I need another alternative to back-uping my work. I will continue to highlight any current projects that I may be undertaking and I will probably use my blog to promote more worldly issues.

My blog will become the home of my impersonal journal as opposed to my personal one.


It's Been One Hell of a Ride!


Lata Bitches

I Wake Up in the Morning and Ask Myself...WHY?

OMG...the headache, the headache. Once again, I have proven to myself that I'm not a relationship person. I'm just not equipped for all the talking. I was talking to Mister today. It got to the point where I just put down the phone, made myself something to eat, put in a movie, only to come back to my phone to find him still talking. Then I immaturely put the phone to my mouth and screamed as loud as I could "AAAAAAAHHHHHHH" like the Home Alone kid.

I told him that I could not do this anymore and if he kept bringing that dude into conversation I was going to kill him ever so softly. He is still stuck on the conversation that we had yesterday all because I did not answer his question regarding my feelings toward that dude. I did answer it, but it was not to his liking. He apparently does not understand my stubborness.

Once again I had to re-explain how answering that question was irrelevant. I told him that if I were to say no I had a feeling he would not be convinced and still hound me with a bunch of ridiculous quesitions. If I were to say yes what point would that prove considering it does not change how I approach my situations with that dude nor does it mean that I expect anything from that dude. It's a dead situation so WHY THE HELL ARE WE STILL TALKING ABOUT IT? Especially since I made the decision that me and Mister are to be friends.

So I told Mister that I did not have any feelings toward that dude. And just like I thought, he was not convinced and started hounding me with an endless stream of questions.

The reason why I refused so heavily to answer the question is because I stubbornly refused to entertain the foolishness. Why do I need to have an hour conversation about a topic that I'm so detached from? It's stupid and a waste of my time and energy. Who really wants to talk about that dude?

I-WANT-TO-PLAY!!!!LOL!

So I had to give him a detailed version of the damn headache of a question. I told him that I have friendly feelings toward that dude but I do not have romantic feelings. I have a strict standard for the type of guy that I want to be with and neither Mister nor that dude really fits the part. That dude does not even come close. I told Mister that he comes closer than that dude does.

Really...what would I look like harboring romantic feelings for a dude who left me high and dry so many times? Nigga, give me more credit than that. What would I look like having romantic feelings for a guy who merely sees me as a piece of ass? I felt like the question insulted my intelligence (I guess that's why my initial reaction was to punch him).

I had to explain to him about a movie I once saw.... The General's Daughter. I told Mister that at the end of the movie John Travolta had to figure out the question What is worse than rape?....by the end of the movie he discovered that the crime that was worse than rape was Betrayal. I had to explain to Mister that when a dude leaves you high and dry during a pregnancy in which a resident "doctor" tries to take advantage of you...only for that dude to pretend to give a damn about your well-being after the fact...is actually good grounds to catch a murder charge. Trust and believe, that romantic feelings do not live here for that dude.

I used the back story to give him another reason as to why I did not want to answer his question. Once again, I was not trying to re-hash old events. Especially ones that I have tried to permantly erase from memory.

I had to explain to Mister that I'm a natural dater. Natural daters are people who are looking for the one to spend the rest of their life with but they have such a hard time finding it in one particular person. So they get involved with multiple people. What one lacks the other has. All the guys that I get involved with seem to have a piece of the puzzle to what I deem as Mr. Right-For-Me.

Mister has the spontaneity, the open-mindedness, and the genuity....that dude, the mental rapport and the physical attraction. There were others who of course I had to gradually cut off when Mister came around. Now I am ready to go back to Pittsburgh, and find me a new group of puzzle pieces who will help me make up the complete picture.

I guess in a way I'm starting to understand Mr. Snake Guys perspective on how he wishes he were a lizard. lol. (will explain some other time).

After all was said and done, I think Mister has come down from his insecure high and regained his composure. But I guarantee that this time next week, I'll be reiterating this same conversation.

I'm just really going to get rid of Mister...I'll see how things are once I go to Pittsburgh on Saturday. It's come to a point that I really just want to focus strictly on getting my degree.

Even though I am ready to fall in love...am ready to find a soul for my soul....I would rather drown in living, thinking, and breathing as opposed to settle for someone whose not on my level in mind, body, love, and spirit.

Check Mate

This Mister person is getting on my nerves. I like him but I ain't lovin him right now.

In light of recent events, I have successfully given myself a one way ticket into the Xzone. I just had the dreaded conversation regarding the X with Mister. I mean really, why does this dude have to keep coming up in conversations? With every new relationship there comes a time when you have to delve into people's previous relationship history. I honestly think that it's the most uncomfortable topic to rehash....especially when it has become so irrelevant. I've never been one who liked looking back into the past...I'm a person who revels in today and carefully plans for tomorrow. Whenever I try to talk about my serious past experiences, I try my best to forget the details and just focus on the lesson learned. But when it comes to moving forward in a relationship, you have no choice but to look backwards.

So I finally told him the long, drawn out story regarding the X. He told me about his X a few months back...and now, it was finally my turn to lay my cards on the table. While laying my cards on the table, I thought that I was coming at him with a Full House, I was sure I could make the conversation turn out in my favor...but he was able to get over on me with a Straight Flush. In conversations like these, the house always wins. If this conversation was a game of chess, he would have had me in Check Mate.

Of course he had to discover my oh so dramatic emotional rollacoaster...including two pregnancies, one miscarriage, and of course my experiences popping pills and the like. This of course led him to ask questions regarding my experiences before the X...which is an even more trying topic. Luckily, I was able to distract his attention from going any further back than 2002. I have made the conscience decision that I will take my history to my grave. I will leave my baggage at the door when it comes to my personal relationships...it causes too many problems and in the end you end up developing a dependency (which is so the opposite of who I really am).

N e ways.... after telling him the story of the X...that's when the games began. I was hounded with two-thousand and one questions....and had to give details to things that I did not necessarily want to give details to. It was like opening Pandora's Box. Surprisingly I was not uncomfortable with the emotions surrounding it...I guess because I'm over it...I was more concerned with being judged.

I thought I was handling everything pretty well up until the past had to meet the present. After everything was said and done and I thought I was in the clear and started thinking I'm glad that's over with, Mister began asking me questions that led me to believe that he felt that the past was not the past...and that the X is very much a part of the present. All I could think of was Damn! Here we go with this bullshit.

I basically reiterated the conversation that I had with him on Friday and assured him that the whole November thing was completely irrelevant. I think that after Friday he was convinced that November was irrelevant, but after hearing the story behind it he once again began getting skeptical. Then I realized that the whole conversation was a trap. I should had waited to tell him the story....way after all this shit blew over. He set the nets and I fell right in.

All I could think of was why the hell are we back here again? I thought this was over. And once again I found myself thinking, why does this dude have to keep being brought up in conversation? What's done was done...I do not understand the logic behind rewinding, pushing play, and then rewinding agian. It seems rather pointless.

I guess he could not get his mind around the fact that me and the X occasionally hit each other up from time to time. He asked me why do you occasionally hit this nigga up? I told him that I felt that being home in Baltimore gets a little dull sometimes because the majority of people are stupid. I told him that despite all the bad things that I can say about the X, I must say that I do respect his intelligence. After having so many conversations about beefin, babies, boys, etc...all you want to do is talk to someone who can stimulate your brain. That's what I'm used to in school and it drives me crazy when I'm at home. I told him that I think that it's sad that the X is such a smart person who does not live up to his potential. I go to a school who are the supposed "cream of the crop" and somehow I feel he belongs there. But he's wasting away in Baltimore with the rest of the Baltimorans because he has no endurance.

After much back and forth, I guess he hit me with the question that has been lingering on his mind for the past couple of days...Do you still have feelings for that nigga? As soon as the words came out of his mouth, I wanted to punch him. Don't ask me why...but that was my initial feeling.

I told him that that was irrelevant. Then he started yelling and screaming about how he is tired of hearing the word irrelevant. He told me to pick a new word. I told him that it was irrelevant because the way I approach my X has nothing to do with the way I may or may not feel...at the end of the day, regardless of how I may or may not feel, me and the X would NEVER work out. From his end, he keeps me around for sex. He has a strong sexual attraction towards me and it basically ends there. He has someone who he is in love with. From my end, he still lives in his grandparents basement and has yet to pursue a degree and I'm doing too much with my life to settle for that....not to mention he is unfaithful. I summed up the conversation by saying and for those reasons, your question is irrelevant.

He hung up on me. I called him back and he did not answer. I texted him what the hell was that all about?

His response: You never answered the question.

Things that Make My Brain Hurt. LOL.

#1 Relationship Talks and Guys Who Don't Get It

I swear for God! I'm about to kill a man. lol. Everything is copacetic between me and Mister but he is still persistent on being in an official relationship. I'm starting to understand how people can get "trapped" into a relationship. I had to have another talk with him yesterday. All this talking is wrecking my brains man. I want to go play :-(


#2 Older Women Who Respond To Relationships Like 20-year-olds

My aunt from North Carolina called me on Saturday saying "NiNi, I want you to hear this sound"....next thing I know I hear a bunch of glass breaking. She picks up the phone and says "Wasn't that just a beautiful sound?". Then she proceeded to tell me that she was busting out the windows of her boyfriend's truck with a sledgehammer because she found it outside his baby mother's house. After he came out the house and there were a lot of "fuck yous" going back and forth, my aunt got in her car because his baby mother started dialing the police. When she was leaving she said to me "Girl, 911 was called into work tonight. Classy ladies don't get arrested!." My aunt was heated considering she left her husband to be with homeboy. I thought the whole situation was funny as hell. I was dying on the phone laughing my ass off....I was in tears. I wish I could have recorded the whole conversation. And this crazy chic, calls me again on Sunday talking about she called her husband that same night and said "I'm coming home because I got your message and I just do not want to hurt you anymore"...of course she did not tell him the real story. Sunday morning this chic was at the mall in the jewelry store picking out a new wedding ring because she got rid of her old one when she left her husband. He told her that she could get a new one. My aunt is the slickest bitch I know. I would go into detail regarding this story but I frankly do not feel like writing it all.

Even though it was a good laugh. It was a story I expected to hear from one of my homegirls...I'm not saying that my aunt isn't like a homegirl because I LOVE her to death but...I be damned if I'm 36 years old and find myself in the same relationship predicaments and responding the same way to them like I was when I was in my 20s. I just think that my a certain age, you should be able to keep your emotions in check. I'd say after the age of 27, rationalism should take precedence over emotionalism.


#3 Over Symbolism of Life Events

I'm realizing that people make too big of a deal of the symbolism surrounding the New Year. Everyone looks at it as a clean slate so to speak. I think that the New Year is a good starting point for people who want to make changes in their life...but come on people! It's really not that serious. New Years is really not that deep for real. It's a party holiday if you ask me. Yes it's good to set it as a marker for new goals...but I'm getting tired of people over reflecting the events of 2007 and the symbolism behind the beginning of 2008. 2007 was what it was and 2008 will be what it will be. Just go with it and enjoy the present moment.


#4 Black Men

Before I continue, I must say that I am completely head over heels in love with Black men. I am without a doubt 100% attracted to black men and black men only (or some variation...like halfies). I have no physical urge to be with white men, latino, etc....I have met exceptions to the rule but they have been very few and very far between. I'm not prejudice or anything...you cannot help who you are physically attracted to.

The reason why black men have made it on my list for things that make my brain hurt despite the fact that I LOVE them oh so much is due to the fact that I'm a sister who is 100% about her shit. When you are a black woman who is making HUGE moves in her life and you know, not plan, but know that you are going to get to a certain level, the dating pool is very slim. Almost close to non-existent. At least at this age.

I probably will not be able to start seriously dating until I reach a professional level. The guys that I deal with now are really not on my level...they do not even come close. The guys who I date and deal with while I'm back at home do not have shit on the guys that I date and deal with at school. It's two completely different worlds of men.

It's the adults versus the teenagers as it seems. Guys back at home seem to be stuck in this teenage stage and they cannot seem to get out of it. I understand it, which is why I tolerate it but in the long-run it will NEVER work for me. The guys from back at home do not even know that there exist a whole nother side to Courtney beyond drinking, writing, smarts, and chillin. I am heavily involved with community affairs, they have never seen me exhibit the extent of my professionalism.....there is a whole part of me that they will never be able to experience because they themselves are glued to the floor. I like people who can really take part in ME...every aspect of it. When I am dealing with people from back at home (not guys but in general), I feel like I revert back to a teenage mindset....whereas when I'm away, I feel like a full fledge adult.

My friends outside of Baltimore are working for Fortune 500 companies, working with the CIA, FBI, living in other countries...and the friends back at home are stuck in this box. There are not that many minorities on the outside of this box but many of them who remain on the inside. Even when you talk to them, their perspectives are very short-sighted and limited.

I get so so frustrated because I really want my Black men to step there game up. I defend them everyday to the outside-the-box people but it's getting harder and harder to when they themselves are not trying to rise above their current conditions.

Clarifications

A homegirl asked me about some things in my last post....I guess I should clarify some things...

She wanted to know what I meant by "romantic freedom" and "sexual freedom".

I am a person who likes romantic closeness/intimacy meaning my idea of romance includes sappy candlelit dinners, pinics under the stars...all that gay shit....

A person who likes romantic freedom expresses romance through big huge teddy bears and jewelry. Where a nice watch or diamond earrings is preferred over an intimate walk in a park. Or they are content to revel in each others company where the extraness is not necessary.

I am a person who likes sexual freedom. This does not mean that I want to slut myself out. It means that despite that I am in a relationship, I enjoy being flirtatious. I enjoy going out with my girls and getting guys to buy me drinks. I like dating...it's entertaining and fun. I want to be able to go out to a lounge and dance and have my man come with me...but I do not want to have to worry about being choked by him because I'm dancing with someone. I am a person who would not mind inviting someone to me and my man's bedroom (threesomes and being sexually open-minded is a big deal to me).

When I say someone is sexually possessive, I mean they will not allow me to do the things above without wanting to sling my ass across the room. Despite the fact that they know I do not sleep around.

Desires vs. Romance; Chemistry vs. Compatibility

The more interactions I have with people over my lifetime, the more I stop generalizing certain subjects. Mainly because everyone says something different regardless of what "group" they fit in. For instance, when it comes to the battle of the sexes, it all comes down to individual needs. Different men say different things regarding the habits of men, different women say different things regarding the habits of women. I'm beginning to learn that most people's opinions of generalized subjects are usually based on their own individual needs. If you are a man who is very sexually charged...you are likely to believe that sex is a basic need for men or people in general. If you are a woman who is used to dealing with selfish men...you are likely to believe that most men are dogs. Life is all about perspective. The key is to not quickly past judgement and learn to understand someone's perspective. Whenever there is a conflict of differences, always ask yourself what need or value lies behind this person's opinion?

When it comes to romantic relationships, I'm beginning to understand that it's purely about satisfying individual needs. To me, relationships are divided into two things. 1) A person's need fulfillment and 2) your connection with the other person. I think when it comes to a person's need fulfillment people tend to struggle with their desires versus romantic needs. When it comes to a person's connection with a potential partner, people tend to struggle with chemistry versus compatibility. One deals with the balance within yourself whereas the other deals with the balance you have toward the other person.

When it comes to my Desires versus Romance, I find that I'm heavily conflicted. What I want sexually is not what I want romantically. Therefore, it is incredibly hard for me to be satisfied by one particular person. Romantically I want to be close, but sexually I want to be free. For some reason, I tend to be attracted to people who work the other way around. I tend to get involved with guys who enjoy romantic freedom but need sexual possession.

I am person who tends to struggle between the desire for freedom and the romantic need to possess when it comes to my personal relationships. On one level I'm exceedingly private but on the other hand I am a full out people person. I struggle between sexual adventurousness versus sexual vulnerability. I tend to be attracted to men who are charming, good mannered, classy, intellectual, easy-going, and balanced but who also have issues and are sexually magnetic. A lot of times you get one half in a guy but not the other. I think people whose desires are compatible with their romantic needs have an easier time finding fulfillment in their romantic relationships. I think people who come off as not knowing what they want, having emotional and fidelity issues, etc. regarding their personal relationships are those who desires are incompatible with their romantic needs.

I think because my desires are incompatible with my romantic needs I tend to confuse the hell out of guys. They have a hard time knowing what I want and when. Sex to me is a means of emotional release but at the same time I like to talk about it with an intellectual detachment. Therefore in my personal relationships I oscillate back and forth between being very intimate and being very cool. Guys cannot tell if it's freedom I want most or if it's closeness/intimacy. I truthfully need both but at different times...hence the confusion. What makes me feel loved and desired is not what necessarily makes me feel hot and sensual.

I'm youthful, intelligent, and passionate....I like someone who is not just my friend but who is my lover as well. I like to amuse, inspire, and comfort my partners. I aim to please. I'm very sensitive but I hide it behind a playful and lighthearted manner. I am innocently indifferent and have a good sense of humor. I tend to be attracted to people who are a lot like this when it comes to romance but when it comes to sex, I like someone who is sexually erotic, complicated, deep, and possessive.

So enough about that aspect of personal relationships. As I've already written, the second aspect of relationships is your connection with the other person. Some people may argue that chemistry and compatibility are the same but I feel like they are different. When I think about chemistry, I'm talking about that attraction factor and when I talk about compatibility I'm talking about how well you harmonize...the ease of getting along. You need both in a working, lasting relationship. It's the difference between friends and lovers. Conncetions can be bad or good. I've listed below the different types of connections you can have with someone:

Chemistry Connections

1. That IT feeling where the connection is compulsively intense and instant. In some cases (a), you substantially harmonize and accept each other but you kind of lack the thrill of drama. In other cases (b) there is a sense of recognition and you enjoy impressing each other.

2. When you are fascinated by the person! Your connection is exceedingly strong but disturbing. You have an intense love-hate magnetism. It's a fatal attraction so to speak.

3. An attraction of ease. Chemistry development is a very gradual process. The more you interact, the more chemistry grows over time. This is usually a characterisitic of platonic friendships.

4. On-again, off-again connection. There is a lot of chemistry but you have to consistently make adjustments for each other. Because the chemistry is there, you are willing to work on making the adjustments.

5. You have completely differnt temperments but the fact that you clash facinates you! You excite but exhaust each other. Chemistry is very, very high but compatibility is low. The challenges presented by your different temperments is what intrigues you.

6. No Connection. You may look at each other with a particular awkwardness because you do not know what to say to each other. When you are alone together there is an awkward silence and what runs through your mind is What do I say? How do I approach this person?


Compatibility Connections

7. You are very much alike so much so the chemistry is very low. But there is a very strong sense of recognition.

8. You are fascinated with each other but because of your differences you are not willing to make things work romantically.

9. You are very comfortable with each other and have a good sense of harmony.

10. On-again, off-again connection where the chemistry is not there so you are not willing to make things work out romantically. Adjustments are needed.

11. You have completely different temperments but the fact that you clash creates stress.

12. You are Neutral toward each other.



Of course with relationships you can have a combination of the above but overall, one dominates and another comes in a close second. If I had to categorize my previous relationships I would put them in the following categories:

Jersey - 3
Mister - 1a and 10
Lips - 9
NJ - 8
OJ - 1b and 11
BD - 5