Geeze Louise Lighten Up!

So last night I hit the club. I'm not really a club person unless it's an upscale lounge...and there are not that many upscale lounges in Pittsburgh. The only time I usually go to the club like that is if a friend rents it out and throws a party. I go to meet and greet homeboys and homegirls as opposed to strange men rubbing up against me trying to get into my vajayjay.

N e ways....last night a friend was suppose to throw a party at a nightclub in Southside but changed the venue at the last minute. By time me and my homegirl got word of it, we were already in Southside. We said fuck it and just went to Matrix. Matrix has about six dance rooms and bars but it's still a below average club to me.

Because I'm not a club scene person, the only thing I wanted to do was geek. I'm used to hittin up clubs rollin' 15-20 deep and just wilin the fuck out. For my homegirls it's never about meetin niggas and for my homeboys it's not about meetin bitches. We just go to act crazy and have a good time.

But last night it was just me and my homegirl, this Hispanic chic from Brooklyn. It was a mixed crowd but I could not help myself but want to imitate the pink people. Their dancing is hilarious and when we went to the 80s room, I started doing the Michael Jackson thriller dance. My homegirl was sooooo embarrassed. She was on a mission to find a man and thought that I needed to be more "lady like"...and by lady like I mean start shakin my ass and grindin on somebody's lil' willy.

She wanted us to get on the bar and dance. I didn't mind that because I'm a bit wild, crazy, and adventurous....the problem was not gettin on top of the bar, the problem was that my homegirl wanted to make it a competition. I got on the bar and started dancin like the Night at the Roxbury's. Her response: "we have to dance sexy so everyone can see us and when we get down, the guys will know who we are and they'll come holla at us". WTF?!@? oh okay

I did not have to do much but I had guys buying me drinks left and right just doin' me. I had to get the guys who were hollering at me to buy my homegirl some drinks. Everyone in the club was soooooo serious. The guys had on their "go fuck it" mugs like lions on the prowl and the girls were puttin some serious work on the dance floor. I have been told that I can dance my ass off...but trust and believe, I dance to have fun...not to impress some nigga who cannot tell his dick from his brain.

Of course I did get my sexy on on the dance floor but I was still able to geek and have fun with most of the guys that I danced with.

I do not understand why girls use sex as bait. Yes men love sex but who doesn't. I do not understand why in a girl's search of finding Mr. Right For Me, why they have such a hard time being themselves. Back in the day, women were taught to put on face by being prim and proper...now we are taught to put on face by being slutty and sensual. Women need to be taught to just lighten up and be themselves.

It's not about attracting a guy it is about attracting the guy. Correction. It's about having a good time and enjoying yourself.

I went out about a month ago with another homegirl. She was on chill mode but she had the whole going out thing twisted nonetheless. She introduced me to a guy that she knew and whispered in my ear "you need to talk to him he's really good in bed".

Okay there were 3 major problems with this situation....1) why do I care, I came out to be with my homegirls not to waste my $10.00 on talking to freako over here, 2) the club is tooo loud so how do you hold any type of conversation anyways, and 3) most importantly, why do you think I want to share a guy that you obviously have already fucked?

I Don't Care....

Ignore the last entry....there are people who have it worst in life.

I Go to Sleep at Night and Ask Myself...WHY?

Okay I know that I said that I was going to refrain from getting personal but.....I'm having issues and need to write about them. Who knows, it may be close to my time of the month but I must say that I'm feeling quite restless. GRRRRR.

First and foremost, I'd like to wish a happy belated 21st birthday to my sister Danielle. She's joined the 21 and over crew and is officially a big girl now! lol.

N e ways, so I recently dived back into the dating game and by recently I mean within the past couple weeks. I really have not dated anyone since I returned back to school because I primarily wanted to be focused. I have to maintain that 4.0. I think because I have been surrounded by an endless slew of estrogen, I am now craving some testosterone....and not in a sexual sense.

Honestly, this is the longest that I have ever been out of the dating game. I'm usually dating at least one person...at the most, fifteen people (I know ridiculous right?). It's been about 3 months since I have been out on an "official" date with anyone and let me tell you....the pickings are slim. I meet people very easily considering I have the habit of talking to random people. Therefore, within the past couple of weeks I am currently dating five guys.

I am dating two Virgos, a Cancer, a Taurus, an Aries...and by the end of the week hopefully this Leo character.

I have discovered that as quickly as I have delve back into the game, I need to quickly get out of it. I feel like I am quickly loosing my center. I will not go into detail as to why...mainly because it is late and I do not feel like writing about it. But I must say, I've out grown dating. It's significantly sooooo unfulfilling and it's old.

Dating has caused me to get rather flightly. I'll explain more about this later.

All and all, the conclusion is that I need to put all this aside and focus on getting in and getting out of school. Point blank.

I think the bottom line is that I'm not as stimulated as I like to be...when I am unstimulated, I get restless. When I get restless, I get stupid. When I get stupid, I just fuck everythng up and become pretty emotionally immature.

My thoughts right now are extremely disjointed so what I'm saying may be hard to follow. Primarily because it's 3:00 in the morning and my eyes are low.

But I just had to skim the surface of what I'm feeling right now since I do not have recourse...it's the only way for me to sleep.


Goodnight!

Struggling with Femininity

As I mentioned, my life can be divided into various chapters. Unlike past journal entries, I will not go into great detail about the personal happenings of my life but I will try to use some issues in my life to touch issues that effect the whole. In a previous entry, I divided my life into the following chapters:

Chapter 1: Thou Shall Be Free

Chapter 2: Thou Shall Say Fuck It

Chapter 3: There is a Thin Line Between Self-Love and Self-Hate: Steps Toward Self-Preservation

Chapter 4: Chicken(head)s of a Feather Flock Together

Chapter 5: Thou Shall Learn Discipline: Steps Toward Self-Correction

Now I have started a new chapter in my life and it is called.....

Chapter 6: (Struggling with Femininity)


I put the chapter in quotes given the fact that I have yet to know what the lesson that I should learn is.

In this day and age, gender lines are grayer than ever. Women especially have come far from their traditional housewife role to become forces to be reckon with. Even though women have gained more independence and have earned greater respect, their is a dire consequence with this movement.

We now live in a world where men have to compensate for not being man enough and women have to compensate for being too much like a woman. All and all, everyone is trying to wear the pants and align themselves with "manly" qualities.

I have always been a person who believes that instead of associating yourself with another group outside your own, it is better to redefine the stereotype of the group that you are in. That is, instead of women trying to disassociate themselves with other women and align themselves with men, they need to attempt to redefine what being a women actually is.

Stereotypically, a man is someone who dominates and is logical whereas stereotypically a woman is someone who is passive, weak, and irrationally emotional. Woman disassociate themselves from other women because who wants to be a negative stereotype? What we as a whole need to do is redefine the Woman as being ride-or-die, maternal, straight-forward, secure, and has common sense. And get the woman stereotype directed towards girls. A woman should not question whether or not she is "man enough" she should start to question whether or not she is "woman enough". She should not pride herself in the fact that she can "fight like a man". Rather, she should pride herself in the fact that she can "fight like a woman".

It's not about separating the men from the women. It's about separating the men from the boys and the women from the girls. Both a MAN and a WOMAN are people who dominate and are logical. But boys and girls are those who are passive, weak, and irrational.

I do not fuck with girls....I only fuck with WOMEN. I do not fuck with boys....I only fuck with MEN.

Because I feel I am woman about mines, life can sometimes get a little frustrating considering the world is made up of boys and girls. It becomes hard to find a "home" in people. When you are around the girls you do not quite fit in, when you are around the boys you do not quite fit in either. It's only when you are around grown folks when things actually make sense.

There is a saying that goes "The life of an old soul is a bitter one". I never really agreed with the saying because I always thought that having wisdom could never do you harm. But in light of recent events, I understand.

(will finish later)