Don't Take It Personally? How Can't U...

I have finally taken the last class OF MY LIFE...or at least until I decide to get a Masters which is highly likely.

I am done, done, done and it feels so incredibly good because as I always say..."It's been one hell of a ride!".

I feel that now that I have my degree, the next thing that I want to focus on is my personal relationships because at the end of the day, that is what matters most. Money will always be there but people, however, will not. There is no doubt in my mind that career wise I'll end up where I'm suppose to be....as far as my personal relationships are concerned I feel that needs a lot of work.

In the past, I have always been a person that has had an "easy come, easy go" attitude toward people. And I have what I like to call a "preoccupied" state-of-mind. This way of thinking has worked well in terms of helping maintain my resiliency in order to achieve other goals, but, this way of thinking is not sustainable.

Eventually you have to take the plunge and tell yourself that people are not disposable. It's part 2 of the maturation process...and for me, is by far the hardest to learn.

It was not until very recently that I discovered just how much of a non-committal person that I am. I never had a real desire to have an intimate relationship (which is probably why my past history with men is not all that great), I do not want kids, when I go to work I'm in and out and really do not care to make work friends, I have always had a desire to get as far away from my dysfunctional family that was humanly possible, and even though I have been well received by roommates...I'd prefer to live alone.

Don't get me wrong, I have a genuine love and concern for most people, I make friends easily and I am sociable...I am also the type who will drop everything to help someone else even to my own detriment....BUT, I have to admit, that there is a large part of me that is consistently unreachable.

Previously, I have been comfortable with the fact that I am non-committal. Like I said, investing more into my personal goals and less into others has got me far. But that is not necessarily what life is all about and I find myself slightly more unfulfilled than I have ever did before. I'm content and comfortable but unfulfilled nonetheless (sigh).

The reason why my proneness to run away from commitment has become a problem now is because now I want more than I previous did when it comes to my personal relationships. The problem with getting more is that I find that I'm a big ass scaredy cat. As much as I hate to admit this, I have discovered that I have a severe lack of trust and faith toward people. It's a lot deeper than I could have imagined and when I start getting too close for comfort with people, I have this HUGE compulsion to run away. This is something that I always knew was in me but I really never thought it was that deep and it was a very fixable problem.

I don't know where this compulsion comes from but because I am so resilient, I'm determined to kick this bad habit in the ass ASAP. I once read somewhere that the definition of courage was not someone who is fearless. Rather, courage means that you are very fearful but you charge ahead anyways. Some feel that I may be being a bit melodramatic about my inability to have personal relationships with any real depth, but, it has come to a point that the thought of being close makes my stomach drop and I get over anxious. So, it is definitely a real problem that has just made its way to the forefront.

I think I have become so accustomed to pushing my way through life for myself and by myself that as much as I want something different, this is my comfort zone. It's what I have come to know and anything outside of that is foreign to me.

As I said, I'm up for the challenge and I'm more than ready to open a new and fresh chapter in my life...even though I'm scared shitless. I have always put all my trust and faith into myself and learning to do otherwise will be hard but not impossible.

It's time for me to start taken things personally.

SCAREDY CATS NEED NOT APPLY