Just Thinkin: Still Up...

This weekend was really great and for some reason I get more energized when everything in my life is all gravy (or at least close to it). I actually tend to sleep more when things are not going my way and tend to be a lot more restless when things are going my way. Hence, the reason for the late night blog entry. I'll just type my thoughts as they come....

It seems that my late graduation was not in vain! Lol. Apparently everyone and their mama is making a come back to Bmore. I'm not complaining....after all, the more the merrier. I was a little scared after turning down a job offer and sticking by the decision to return home. Many people looked at me as if I was crazy, but I know what works for me. I am a person who will always have my priorities straight and I will stick by it no matter what. That has been the key to my success and I undoubtedly believe it will always be that way. I believe that the most successful (and happiest) people are those who stay true to who they are and stay focused on their long-term goals. Of course I want to have financial stability and a glamorous, well-respected job....but fulfilling that in the short-term by taking the job that I was offered would have got in the way of things that I plan to get done in the long run.

I want it all, and to get it all the first rule is 1) to learn patience and 2) to make smart decisions regardless of all the noise surrounding you (be it negative or positive). I do not believe the best way to happiness and financial success is to work for other people...and given this day and age with the economy the way it is, if you are going to work for anybody, it better be the government. I have always preached that people should invest in themselves and invest in their community. And that is exactly what I'm doing now. I am working on a couple of projects...some hopefully lucrative and one that is non-profit. I'll probably expand on this in a later entry particularly when these projects have made a little more headway. But I'm excited.

I must admit that I have been moving a lot more slowly regarding which direction I'm headed than I usually do. I guess because up until a couple of weeks ago I temporarily lost my motivation. Primarily due to the fact that I just graduated and was enjoying the break. But, break is over. It was fun while it lasted, but I was never comfortable sitting still. I am currently working but I'm not staying where I'm at very long...and I still consider my current job a part of my "break" considering it's just something I took for some extra cash.

Anyways, I usually cut people off around News Years or the beginning of Spring but I feel it is about that time again. Primarily because I am in a transition period in my life. I know of five friends who recently have not been holding up their end. Two of which I absolutely love to death and are a little surprised by them...regardless, they are still good people but I have realized that our priorities differ and our friendship has just about run its course. The remaining three, our friendship ran its course a long time ago...it is most definitely time for the ship to sail.

The funny thing is, as soon as I make the conscious decision to put them in my back pocket, they will inevitably start hitting my phone up. For some reason, that always happens. I'm getting a little too old for casualty. Casual relationships with people have always been my hallmark. But it is about time that I stop looking at people as stepping stones toward a certain goal and start really looking at them.

I feel like I'm in a building mode. As much as I value freedom and independence, it is time for me to start laying solid foundations toward building security...financial and emotional. Setting a foundation is tedious and boring, especially for someone who is preoccupied like me. But, if I want the life that crave, I have to do what I got to do. The more I see the value in it, the less of a task it will be. Surprisingly, I thought seeing the value in pulling back my freedom and independence and having patience was going to be an impossible lesson for me, but my life is headed in a direction that I never thought it would go...and for that, I'm thankful. I'm still keeping my fingers crossed that it will continue to go this way. Of course, their will be bumps in the road...but I think that I'm prepared for it.

In other news, I think that I saw Mr. Snake Guy the other day. I'm 90% certain that it was him. I always thought what would happen if I ever ran into him. Since Maryland does not seem to be that big of a place and everybody in some way, shape, or form knows everybody else, I was almost certain that we would run into each other. Blah! I could never decide if I should be cordial or if I should be a bitch. Truthfully, I really would just want to ignore him and keep it movin...not because I'm angry but I'm really just that far removed. Anyways, I saw him and did not bother to get his attention. I just smiled on the inside, laughed to myself, and thought "thank god that's over." And in those very few seconds of seeing him, I picked up on his swag and could not help but think "what in the hell did I see in that dude? Courtney, what were you on?"

What would be even funnier is if the dude that I thought was him wasn't really him. It makes you kind of wonder how many people have you been someone else to. I wonder if anyone has ever saw me thinking that I was someone they knew, ran back home and called someone and said "Guess who the fuck I saw today? You know Cassandra is looking awfully good these days". I wonder how many strangers have me in their pictures somewhere in the background, looking at my toes.

I have learned a lot about life within the past five weeks....probably more so than I have learned in my whole life. Or maybe I'm just smarter now and less hardheaded. It doesn't take much for me to learn a lesson.

I find that I'm still having a hard time dealing with issues of my past. I feel like I'm a private person with many skeletons in my closet. People do not really know me and on some level, I'm pretty sure that I'm a big ass question mark. I think people assume a lot of things about me because I really give them no choice but to fill in the blanks as to who I am and what has made me me. I am not really private just for privacy's sake, I think that on some level, I am afraid to be judged. I liked being looked at as the smart, college girl who has her life together. I liked being looked at as practical and drama-free. I wonder how people's opinion of me would change if they knew that I used to pop pills on the regular, I've tried LSD and Coke. My life has been fraught with trauma.

I have grown to become a very optimistic person, but I feel that if anyone was to ask me about my life experiences they may get the impression that I'm negative. Because as much as do not want to admit it, in my 23 years, I've had more bad days than good ones. Who wants to talk to someone who keeps bringing up bad stories. I have a lot of crazy, random, absolutely hilarious stories to tell as well. But, I feel like I've told all of them a thousand times over. I think that it is time for me to take the risk and unleash the skeletons. I need to have a little bit more faith in people. I think that is the biggest aspect of myself that I am currently working on. I is very hard because traumatic things stick with you...and with many people, trauma last a lifetime. People really do not understand that it really skews your perspective on many things. It is like walking through life being hearing impaired and without a hearing aid. You have to kind of figure out and some times guess what people are actually saying to you because a valuable sense has been messed up. It is very easy for you to misunderstand people and even easier for people to misunderstand you.

But I'm working on adding a hearing aid to my life. I've been working on it. And even though I'm still latently affected by many things in my past, I am determined to get the hell over it. I mean seriously...the shit is annoying.

Anyways, I'm finally sleepy has all hell.

Nighty Nite