Hippie vs. Business Woman

Lately I have been feeling kind of bummed. Maybe it's because I've received a visit from my monthly friend...or maybe I truly need to figure some things out.

As I mentioned in an earlier entry, I am in a great state of flux even though this is the most stillest I have ever been. I feel like I'm at a stalemate and that I'm being held at a disadvantage. I am using marginalization as a form of protection. Yet, I feel like I am undergoing a wise temporary surrender...otherwise known as Endurance.

I am having a hard time figuring out who and what must be given up in my life. I am trying to hold on to truth and integrity and stay true to myself but....how can you hold on to truth when you do not know what the truth is?

It seems that I am a person who has always sat in the fork in the road. I have spent my whole life weaving this intricate web around me. It's been a good thing because it allows me to have options. But now I have so many options that I really do not know which road to travel.

It's not that I feel that each road has the same level of happiness and I want to know which is the road which will give me the most happiness. Rather, I feel more concerned about which road is will allow me to do the right things in life.

For some reason, it feels that no matter which road I choose...it may all lead to the same outcome. Maybe that's what people mean when they talk about destiny.

I never believed in destiny, but lately I have been entertaining the thought. Maybe there is a part of me that is uncomfortable with my so-called destiny...so I'd rather live a destiny unfulfilled by simply keeping still.

I'm just rambling and thinking out loud right now so much of what I'm writing may not make sense.

Maybe it is not about destiny...maybe it simply about not having it all. I want it all and seems that I have to choose what is I want and just what amount of things I am willing to sacrafice for it. I am weighing the scales of life.

I have made my way through life by going with the flow. I think my randomness, sense of adventure, and open-mindedness have been my strongest suits. But these suits seem to be soooo last season because they are surely not working for me now. I cannot just go with the flow and follow my inner emotional pendulum.

I have to rationalize and stick to a logical decision. I'm good at rationalization but not when it comes to major change. When it comes to that, I strictly follow my intuition. Nowadays, however, my intuition is on pause and is somewhere taking a nap. Thus, leaving me soooo directionless.

Now I want someone to just tell me what I should be doing...because that is so much more easier. Without my inner pendulum working properly, I am all over the place. I go through more changes in one week than a baby does diapers.

For instance, what the HELL would EVER possess ANYBODY to undergoe a name change? And all of a sudden I have developed a growing passion for art. I guess next week I'll be talking about how I'm on some spiritual mission on my way to Bora Bora.

I need to be tamed. I'm like a wild, unbridled horse...just galloping along to nowhere. Is that a bad thing?

I've decided that yes, yes...it is a very bad thing. You know why? Because horses are not that many genes away from being jackasses...dumb, ignorant donkeys.

That's how I feel about my life in general. That I constantly teeter the line between donkey vs. stallion, white vs. black, rich vs. poor, money vs. love, hippie vs business woman.

We will see how this goes....


I'm sure in time, there will be answers.....