I Am Changing

As the saying goes "there is nothing to fear but feat itself". I am a person who is always in a constant state of change. In fact, the only thing that does not change about me is that I am always changing. With each new chapter of life that I enter, I openly welcome new experiences and most importantly, I openly welcome a new me.

Recently however, because I am in a period of transition, change seems to have become such a disruption. I have yet to decide whether I feel disrupted because things are happening too fast and I'm being hesitant or that they aren't happening fast enough and I'm being impatient.

Either way, what ever state of flux that my life is in, it is more than apparent that I am a completely different person that I ever knew myself to be. I have witnessed many people grow more into themselves after graduating from college and it is interesting to see just what type of person someone becomes.

As I mentioned, I do not think people become different people, they just grow into their self. You can see just how good or just how bad a person is when they reach a point in life when they are obligated to leave their mark on the world. Some rise to the occasion, while others fall back.

I had a friend who was an uptight, straight A, always studying and never had a life, pretty conservative and not adventurous person. Her number one goal in life was to do well in school and get a financially lucrative and prestigious job. She reached her goal but quickly found that....it just wasn't her. She ended up quitting her $90,000/year job, moved to New York City, began working for a non-profit organization, and is in the process of getting her teacher's certification.

I had another friend who was what I would consider a pretty naive, sensitive, and week minded individual. But after college, she turned into a powerhouse as far as her career is concerned. She's definitely doing the damn thing, and is taking no bullshit. She has become very good at selling herself when before she used to sell herself short.

On the flip side, I had a friend who was always very ambitious and had a lot of hustle in her to get to where she wanted to go. But after college, she became one of the laziest people I ever met and her primary career goal is to simply fall in love and build a family....not that there is a problem with that, but the change from her being one way to being another way was pretty drastic. Nowadays, she has a lot of goals but usually needs someone to not just push her, but to really drag her, into seeing that those goals are fulfilled. Even though it is not really my thing, I admire the fact that we are so different because I really wish that I was more focused on building a family...as much as I want it, it is something that does not come natural to me. Just as as much as she wants to achieve certain goals outside of personal relationships, it does not come natural to her.

Because I graduated late, many of friends reached this point before me. Therefore in the back of my mind, I have always wondered just exactly who I was going to grow into.

I have found that my life is taking a more creative direction. I have discovered that I have a love for art and surprisingly I am very good at it...even for a beginner. Even though I started dibbling and dabbling a couple weeks ago, and of course am far from being close to a professional, many people think that I have at least been doing it for way longer.

I have learned that I am a humanitarian and am currently working with an old acquaintance on establishing a non-profit organization.

I have learned that I am a comedian and my greatest gift that I bring to the table is laughter.

I am also learning that I am easily swayed by pretty faces. I am not a girl who puts herself out there as far as men are concerned. Even though I've been told that I am a lot of fun, I have always been pretty adamant about not getting distracted by the opposite sex. But now that the pressure of getting my degree is off, I find that I am very unapologetically flirtatious and shallow. If I lived in LA or Miami where there is nothing but exceptionally beautiful men walking around shirtless...I'd be a full fledged hoe. I have learned that for me, looks substantially outweigh personality. I am a cheerleader who loves football players.

I recently came onto a friend's "interest". I say interest because they do not have anything going on but she likes him a lot...and he is fine as all hell. My ass came on to him right in front of her and this was before I found out that they weren't dating. I am currently dating this guy and he is real cool and nice but....he introduced me to his best friend who I flirt with right in front of his face. I was not hoish in the way that I approached these situations, as my intentions were not deceptive and under handed. I just reacted on what felt natural. After all, if I was trying to be under handed, I would have acted behind closed doors and not in front of anyone. I am not saying this to say that I am proud but I am showing people that this is the person that I am unfortunately/fortunately growing into.

Overall, I am growing in to a more free-spirited person than I was. I'm like a hippie. lol. "Peace, Love, and Friendship to all the pretty people." and "Universal Love for Everyone and Everything" have become my mottoes.

I think that as adults, we eventually revert back to our desires that we had as children. I think that most of the friends that I made reference to in this entry, eventually turned back into who they were as kids. I'm not saying that people grow immature or childish...I'm just saying we have basic inclinations that we are born with. I think that these inclinations are diluted through social institutions that teach us to discipline are natural urges. Once we get our "break out of jail free" cards, we go and do what we were born to do.

Because I feel that I have been locked in a bat cave for all these years because I was busy disciplining myself for the hustle, I would be lying if I did not admit that this new found freedom is slightly unsettling.

I have found that recently I have become frozen with fear. I have developed a latent lack of nerve and I am absolutely confused as to what it is I actually want. I feel that at this point in time, or at least before writing this entry, I have allowed my anxieties and fears to hold me back when I should be opening my mind to new and unexpected possibilities. I need to just trust my own intincts and not hope, but know I'll get what I want.

The majority of my anxiety stems from the fact that I have a lot of deceitful people around me...but with time, I need to know that will change as long as I do not let it affect me. I am learning that a little bit of sugar goes a long way and that the most influential leaders do not go and cut their adversaries to pieces. Rather, they show their adversaries the right way to do it and lead by example.

I am learning that the best medicine for dealing with under handed people is to include them in your life as opposed to them including you in theirs. That's how you get pulled down by the negativity when you allow them to draw you into them. The key is to draw them into you. But most importantly, don't give up on having faith in people.

Oh yeah...one more thing...

I really did go and have my name changed. Before getting an official court order for a change of name, you are required to publish your name change notice in the newspaper. That's why name changes are thought to be expensive. Filing for a name change is not that expensive...especially if you qualify for a filing fee waiver. However, publishing the notice in the newspaper is can be very very expensive. But I researched some small newspapers and only have to pay $30 - $80 to publish the notice.

Once I get my name change published and subsequently receive an order from the court, I can officially use my new name.

Stay tuned....I'll announce the new name soon. (Yeah, I know I'm crazy but I'm crazy and happy!)