the Craft of a Woman, the Candor of a Child

2012 Resolutions- Everyday Is December 31st

2011-12-31T11:33:00.001-05:00

It's that time again. The time when most of us become very reflective of all the events that have occurred over the past year and invent ways in which we will do things differently in the year to come. I was never big on the whole New Years resolution tradition. After all, what's a resolution? In the New Years sense, there is an understanding that this is a time in which our conflicts end and an actionable outcome is clear. But during the occasional conflicts that I have encountered in 2011, most have been resolved by now or I have at least reached a point of contentment on the current state of the issue.

It's just weird to me that we end the year thinking of problems. Though we strive to find a more positive direction, no matter how insignificant the issue, the point is....we end the year reflecting on problems. There is a general want for a new/fresh start. But my new start began way before this, and I'm very anxious to continue the journey. 2011 was full of starts and endings, rewinds and fast forwards....everyday of 2011 has been my December 31st.

The only resolution that I have for the New Year is to stop making these resolutions in the coming New Years. I want to focus on what made the year so great and what lessons I was blessed enough to learn from the trials. I want to sit around with friends and pop open a bottle of champagne and not wonder "What do I need to change?" or "Who/what do I need to get rid of?". I want to take in everything that has happened, recognize my blessings and simply smile.

Sometimes we get so caught up in our failures that we overlook our successes. We forget to allow faith and intuition to naturally guide us toward our goals. We forget time is not based on one day but it is continuous. No matter what we have or haven't done thus far, each day we are taking a baby step. Even when we make mistakes. So pat yourself on the back for the baby steps and especially for the giant leaps!

It is my opionion that most people are driven by their core values. Hence, as long as your values remain unchanged, your "resolutions" should always be the same. These are things that should not change whether it's June 1st or December 31st. Every day, you should have the resolve in your life to fulfill your values and life purpose. Recognize that 2 months ago you were closer than you started...so relax and celebrate! Thank god you made it this far!

On the flip side, goal-setting and to-do list make my world go round. Setting side time to get organized is always good. But let's save that for January 2nd....and then again for January 3rd...and everyday EXCEPT December 31st. Party like a rock star baby, give yourself a gold star, and save the lists until February!

Happy New Years and Congratulations on all the hard work superstars!

Introducing: Courtney Allen

2010-10-04T22:52:00.000-04:00

Hello again world,

Please visit my new website CourtneyAllen . The site is only three days old, so please come back and visit to show your support. Thanks!

Courtney

Daily Dose: A Person Who Is Free & Only Associates with the Brave

2010-09-11T12:29:00.003-04:00

My Morning Prayer

I've never been one who has ever feared my potential...the older I get, the more I learn that people fear their own courage and the courage of others. Not me! I'll never be quick to back down. I know my value and I know I am blessed. More importantly, I know courage does not mean fearless...it means being fearful but still pulling through. THANK YOU GOD for my courage and not allowing me to be ashamed of it.

Resurrected

2010-08-28T17:26:00.000-04:00

Hey Everyone...I'm back from the dead! LLS. It's been almost a year since I've updated this blog. I began two new blogs after I stopped updating this one. One that is less personal and one that is for work and professional. I recently decided to come back and make some updates concerning my personal life. I figured that after a 10 month hiatus, I've lost a good number of fans and my personal life can still maintain a certain level of privacy. However, I will be beginning a new personal blog some time in the near future that I will make a little bit more public than this one and the one I have on live journal. I will not be deleting either one of these as it is always interesting to look back and see where I've been and how I got to where I am today. Until I make the switch over to a new personal blog, here is my 10 month update since we last spoke....

CAREER

I graduated from Carnegie Mellon University last May. Wow...it was a long, rough road getting that degree but my crazy, insane tail finally made it after SIX years. I thought I would feel really far behind all my friends considering I graduated two years later but it seems that I've charged full speed ahead. I'm still not quite where I anticipated and I am still slightly playing catch up to my long-term goals but I know, as an adult I have to have patience. Unlike many of my colleagues, I do not have a fear of turning 30. Maybe because it's still five years away. As of right now, I am excited to see who I am then. It will not happen fast enough. In your 20s it seems that you are driven by your will but 30 something year olds seem to be more driven by their wit. I look forward to being smarter because the thing about being driven by your will is that you are more prone to be reckless. Impatience tends to get the best of you and you gradually become a self-fulfilling prophecy of all that you fear.

I went on bit of tangent but to continue...it took me awhile to find a decent job like many of the people these days. Initially, I was working part time for a law office as a legal assistant and was only bringing home on average $400 a month. Needless to say, during that time I had to move in with my dad. That was not as bad as I expected it to be because we actually got along fairly well and I did feel taken care of despite our rough history. It was then that I learned the benefit of savings. All throughout college, I was forced to save because I was pretty independent and I had to figure out my tuition payments. So when I left and had a hard time finding a job, I had enough savings left that I could get by on only making $400 a month. I still was able to save even though I was not making much. Of course, the fact that I did not have any real expenses at the time also helped (I deferred my student loans). I enjoyed the time of not having any real financial obligations or stress. I really couldn't remember how that felt like. During that time, I was able to discover a lot about myself and I began a couple of small projects. I currently have put them on hold b/c I did have to get an actual job but I will begin working back on them some time around the end of the month.

Anyways, it took me about 9 months after graduation to find a full time with benefits. I now am working as a Marketing Analyst. I had 3 weeks to make the big move from Baltimore, Maryland to Henderson, Nevada back in February of this year.

I must say that even though I am lucky to have job security and I have a decent paycheck, I eventually plan on heading back east. Nevada is just not my cup of tea. In addition, I want to be closer to family and friends. I've been spending too much money on airfare flying back and forth. Not only is it expensive, but most importantly, it is exhausting. I flew out last week and then I have to take that 10hr plane right (total round trip) for the labor day holiday. It is hard meeting people out here as Nevada is a very strange, and unique place. I live right outside of Las Vegas and in a recent study, the city was ranked the #1 most stressful city in the US. Who has time for stress? I'm going back east.

Furthermore, even though I am getting considerable amount of experience at my job, I know that it's not where I should stay. Without going into much detail, it seems that too many people are leaving. I was always of the school of thought that when you see animals flee, you follow....and people are fleeing....I'm not quite sure why as I am a newbie but I think it is safe to say that I should not stay long enough to find out. But as of now, it's neither here nor there. I've just been thinking and am beginning to reconsider some things. Who knows what the outcome will be.

FAMILY

I have to say that I am on pretty good terms with almost everybody in the family. Me and my mom still have a couple of kinks to work out but there is nothing that is too serious or pressing. My niece and nephews are growing up so fast it's wonderful. My younger sister and the kids had moved to Hartford County for a little while (she moved in with her kids babysitter after a falling out with my mom) but is back living with my mom. She left the kids with the babysitter for a week (which may not have been a good idea) and when she finally got her kids, Tristan had a fractured collard bone which had been like that for days and Jelauni had a cut on his face that still had dried blood on it. After that, my sis moved out. My older sister bought a house and recently added a new addition to the family, King, a German Shepherd. He is a 4 month pup and Jaylen just loves him. Me and my younger sister, although we have very different values I still feel like on some level we have a good understanding of each other. My older sister and I have very similar values but the way each of us goes about accomplishing them is completely opposite. But all and all, everything is all gravy.

On the downside, I recently lost my grandmother this month. Her birthday was yesterday. She would have been 83. Hence, why I flew out to Baltimore last week. I had to take bereavement leave to go to the funeral. I wrote a poem which I read which I will post later. If you know me, you know that I've always considered myself to be pretty close to my grandma. She had Alzhimer's Disease so her death was a bit bitter sweet. Watching someone go through that disease is hard...especially someone who was previously so full of life. As Jawai said "she's finally free". R.I.P. Patricia Thompson.

FRIENDS

Love them! My friendships have been up and down and up and down throughout my life. But I feel that my friendships now are much much more stable. Probably because we are all grown and do not have time for that petty shit. We have learned the value of having extended support and know that what you put out in terms of people is what you get back. I have cut who I've needed to cut and kept who I needed to keep. And that puts a HUGE smile on my face.

Being from Baltimore, I've grown up with such a unique dynamic between me and my friends. I've worked hard and I've played harder (Work all day, drink all night! yea). At the end of the day, that lifestyle was nothing but trouble. I am so glad to be free from it because it was immensely skewing my perspective on life. Anyone who has grown up in lower middle to poor urbanian here is just a piece of advice: Be careful to heed the friendship and advice of failures because the only support they can really give you is to support you in a quest toward failure. Make sure that your friends from "'round the way" and "bookie and dem" are truly down for you being a better person. Make sure you are surrounded by strong-minded people who have a strong sense of identity and an unshakable value for love. Your friends should not be trying to compete with you, hurt you, talking down to you, trying to suck your precious time with their drama, and most importantly.....they should SHOW UP...and I don't mean when you are in need of a possie to help you in a fight. That's not support, that's just people who love drama and not necessarily love you.

I thank God each and every day for helping me understand the value of real friends and I hope he continues to bring people in my life who will support and cherish me. Thank you Jesus!

Other friendship news....everyone is basically getting seriously coupled upped, having babies, getting married, etc....we all are really growing up...and I am anxious to see how we all change and who we all become.

Hmmm...the only real story right now on the friendship front is that I recently cut off a friend that I was semi-cool with for the past six years. I will not go through the whole shabang....to make a long story short, I just felt like it was time to dissolve the friendship because I was too grown for her. I understand people come into their own at their own pace but if you are going to lag behind the rest of the world as far as your development of common sense is concerned, you better come with a bit of humility. She was way too selfish and ingenuine and I just got tired of wasting my time on someone who was more or less childish. She also was exceeding judgmental towards other people and I've always found that level of judgmentalness to be somewhat disgusting. It goes against what I believe. I think people should be humble and approach people with a level of tolerance and understanding. She was way too much of an attention seeker for my taste. Even though she's not fit for my life, she's not a horrible person. We just were not compatible.

Oh...also, I have to send a shout out to baby Ava who was born back in March. I also reconnected with an old high school friend. She's recently divorced, in med school, and has the cutest little son...so a shout out to him as well.

LOVE

I am currently in a relationship with KDT. The friend described above who I recently cut off encouraged me to do the online dating thing (apparently it has worked with A LOT of my friends). Within about two weeks of joining blackpeoplemeet.com, I began talking to KDT and we have been dating since labor day weekend of last year.

Since my move to Vegas, things seem to be getting rockier and rockier. In addition, I've learned that I have a lot of baggage....more so than what I thought was there. I used to think that my baggage came from having really bad experiences but I'm learning that my baggage primarily stems from the fact that there is a lack of strong women in my family. A family is only as strong as its women. I think without having good relationship reference points and having good relationship mentors, a relationship feels far from my comfort zone....and the more I stray away from my comfort zone, the more bitch is crazy I tend to get. But it is what it is.

KDT is younger than me (not by much) so that is also an obstacle because his relationship skills are not that well developed either. He can be very conceited and overly indifferent at times which to me, makes it hard for us to overcome disagreements or misunderstandings. His occasional stubborn conceit and indifference, causes mountains to be made out of mole hills because he takes everything too personally. We would have more of a good time together if he would learn to be warm and flexible and stop trying to be so emotionally controlled....a habit that I, myself, had to learn to break in the past.

All and all however, I think the two of us have a similar approach to people and family. We are both good people who strive to do the right things even though we are not flawless. KDT is an absolute gentleman and I do enjoy being with him. However, this past month or so, he has become very inconsistent and for me that is scary. I do not trust inconsistence in people especially if they have a penis. lol j/k. It seems as though at one point in time in our relationship we were planning a future with each other....now it seems as if I am still planning my life around us while he is busy planning his life without me. He thinks that my insecurity in this regard is unfounded. They say actions speak louder than words but in this case even words have been spoken to allow me to draw this conclusion. His actions have always been pretty positive. So what does that mean? When words don't match actions but it's the words that are bad and the actions that are good? **shrug**

Maybe my thoughts are unfounded but I feel the way I feel so until those feelings subside, I am inclined to make my future plans with my own personal benefit in mind. I am sure this is just a small hurdle that we have to get over but until it's resolved, it is what it is. I have every faith that we will get over it.

I'm Movin!!!

2009-11-05T20:31:00.003-05:00

Hello readers.

As I have written in the Note to Readers section, I am revamping my blog to be a little bit more light-hearted. To do this, I will be moving my blog to a different URL as I will make the blog under the new URL more public since it will be less personal.

Many of my friends have asked for my URL b/c they know my life is a freakin movie. However, I really do not want them to have access to some of my past journal entries.

I will post the new URL soon.

Facebook, Twitter, and the Like

2009-09-20T11:30:00.005-04:00

It has been a while folks! Please take a moment to read the note in the right-side bar before reading about today's topic. I am back bitches! Enjoy :-)

As I mentioned in "Note to My Readers", this accessibility to people's lives has got to stop! I think it is great that our worlds are so much more expansive now and I think that it is great that we can learn from other people's lives and be part of a larger community. However, there are such things as boundaries.

I am getting sick of seeing ladies update their statuses regarding their dysfunctional love lives...it's sooooo not cute. I have cut and pasted some examples below:

Im Just A Gurl Whos To Kool To Give A Damn! Swagg Overrated! .Gottem Turning Ova Crazy. Jus The Bitch Every Nigga Want Cant Help Im Jus So Fucking Kool.Lol Why is she worried about me?lame-o!

Bitchs Kill Me Claim To Be 5*'s but there niggaz on me.Gottem Turning Ova Crazy. All These Bitchs Love Me N I Love Them Fuckers 2..IIL's

in church....fam2 is really buggin!!!! lord, y do we gotta have this attatchment!!!!!! uuggghhhhhh....

fam2 is jus soooo lame...all yo do is cry cry n cry! get a grip...i dont want u!!!!...u cant force sum1 to want to b wit u...u f**ked up now im gone n my heart is drawn to some1else!!!!.....*my boo*

I am also tired of people posting statuses to reinforce their confidence as copied and pasted below:

...jus wonderin how many of my "friends" would still b here if i was really down in out, or sick or disabled????

Come on girlies, you are making yourselves look desperate...and I am saying this in the nicest way possible...just trying to keep it 100. I have been guilty as charged, but it is coming up that we are waaaaayyyy too old for this shit. All you are doing is validating people who do not matter.

Wonderfully Normal Day

2009-07-29T14:41:00.006-04:00

There has been a lot of changes going on in my life. I've been making so many moves, failure is not even an option! I'll give a full length update some time in the future but in the mean time, take a moment to watch this clip. When I saw it on TV I thought that it was absolutely hilarius and decided to share. The first half is funny...the second half is corny. Enjoy!

I apologize for the poor quality of the video.

Hippie vs. Business Woman

2009-07-09T23:06:00.008-04:00

Lately I have been feeling kind of bummed. Maybe it's because I've received a visit from my monthly friend...or maybe I truly need to figure some things out.

As I mentioned in an earlier entry, I am in a great state of flux even though this is the most stillest I have ever been. I feel like I'm at a stalemate and that I'm being held at a disadvantage. I am using marginalization as a form of protection. Yet, I feel like I am undergoing a wise temporary surrender...otherwise known as Endurance.

I am having a hard time figuring out who and what must be given up in my life. I am trying to hold on to truth and integrity and stay true to myself but....how can you hold on to truth when you do not know what the truth is?

It seems that I am a person who has always sat in the fork in the road. I have spent my whole life weaving this intricate web around me. It's been a good thing because it allows me to have options. But now I have so many options that I really do not know which road to travel.

It's not that I feel that each road has the same level of happiness and I want to know which is the road which will give me the most happiness. Rather, I feel more concerned about which road is will allow me to do the right things in life.

For some reason, it feels that no matter which road I choose...it may all lead to the same outcome. Maybe that's what people mean when they talk about destiny.

I never believed in destiny, but lately I have been entertaining the thought. Maybe there is a part of me that is uncomfortable with my so-called destiny...so I'd rather live a destiny unfulfilled by simply keeping still.

I'm just rambling and thinking out loud right now so much of what I'm writing may not make sense.

Maybe it is not about destiny...maybe it simply about not having it all. I want it all and seems that I have to choose what is I want and just what amount of things I am willing to sacrafice for it. I am weighing the scales of life.

I have made my way through life by going with the flow. I think my randomness, sense of adventure, and open-mindedness have been my strongest suits. But these suits seem to be soooo last season because they are surely not working for me now. I cannot just go with the flow and follow my inner emotional pendulum.

I have to rationalize and stick to a logical decision. I'm good at rationalization but not when it comes to major change. When it comes to that, I strictly follow my intuition. Nowadays, however, my intuition is on pause and is somewhere taking a nap. Thus, leaving me soooo directionless.

Now I want someone to just tell me what I should be doing...because that is so much more easier. Without my inner pendulum working properly, I am all over the place. I go through more changes in one week than a baby does diapers.

For instance, what the HELL would EVER possess ANYBODY to undergoe a name change? And all of a sudden I have developed a growing passion for art. I guess next week I'll be talking about how I'm on some spiritual mission on my way to Bora Bora.

I need to be tamed. I'm like a wild, unbridled horse...just galloping along to nowhere. Is that a bad thing?

I've decided that yes, yes...it is a very bad thing. You know why? Because horses are not that many genes away from being jackasses...dumb, ignorant donkeys.

That's how I feel about my life in general. That I constantly teeter the line between donkey vs. stallion, white vs. black, rich vs. poor, money vs. love, hippie vs business woman.

We will see how this goes....

I'm sure in time, there will be answers.....

Ummm...Lasagna

2009-07-03T01:50:00.005-04:00

So a while back, I added the page element entitled "Recipe Box". I must say that I have not been doing such a great job at keeping up with this posting...primarily because I do not want to have to erase and post another recipe. Therefore, I decided that I would occasionally post one of my recipes as an actual entry and I'll tag the posting as recipe box. That way, I do not have to erase any and anyone who is interested can look at ones that have been posted previously.

Today's Feature: Lasagna

1 tablespoon olive oil
1 medium red bell pepper, thinly sliced
1 medium zucchini, halved lengthwise and thinly sliced
1 pound shredded mozzarella cheese
1/2 cup grated Parmesan cheese
9-12 uncooked lasagna noodles
1 pound turkey Italian sausage
3/4 pound ground turkey
1/2 cup minced onion
2 cloves garlic, crushed
1 (28 ounce) can crushed tomatoes
2 (6 ounce) cans tomato paste
2 (6.5 ounce) cans canned tomato sauce
1/2 cup water
1 tablespoons white sugar
1 1/2 teaspoons dried basil leaves
1 teaspoon Italian seasoning
1 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon ground black pepper
4 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley
16 ounces ricotta cheese
1 egg
1/2 teaspoon salt
3/4 cup grated Parmesan cheese

1. Cook sausage, ground beef, onion, and garlic over medium heat until well browned. Stir in crushed tomatoes, tomato paste, tomato sauce, bell pepper, zucchini, and water. Season with sugar, basil, Italian seasoning, salt, pepper, and 2 tablespoons parsley. Simmer, covered, for about 1 1/2 hours, stirring occasionally.

2. Bring a large pot of lightly salted water to a boil. Cook lasagna noodles in boiling water for 8 to 10 minutes. Drain noodles, and rinse with cold water.

3. In a mixing bowl, combine ricotta cheese with egg, remaining parsley, and 1/2 teaspoon salt.

4. Preheat oven to 375 degrees F

5. To assemble, spread meat sauce in the bottom of a baking dish. Arrange 6 noodles lengthwise over meat sauce. Spread with one half of the ricotta cheese mixture. Top with a third of mozzarella cheese. Spoon meat sauce over mozzarella, and sprinkle with Parmesan cheese. Repeat layers, and top with remaining mozzarella and Parmesan cheese. Cover with foil: to prevent sticking, either spray foil with cooking spray, or make sure the foil does not touch the cheese.

6. Bake in preheated oven for 25 minutes. Remove foil, and bake an additional 25 minutes.

************************************************************

I'm also reposting the previous recipe that I deleted

Yesterday's Feature: Meatball Soup

1/2 lb. ground turkey
15 oz. garbanzo beans, drained
2 eggs
1/2 cup bread crumbs
2 tbs. grated parmasan/romano cheese
21 oz. chicken broth
14.5 oz stewed tomatoes, undrained
1 cup mushrooms, chopped
1/4 cup ditalini pasta
5 oz. frozen spinach
2 tbs. minced garlic
1 tsp. Italian seasoning
1 tbs. fresh parsley
1/4 tsp. garlic salt
1/4 tsp. pepper
1/2 cup water

1. In a large pot stir together garbanzo beans, chicken broth, stewed tomatoes, water, mushrooms, and Italian seasoning. Bring to a boil. Add pasta. After 5 minutes, reduce heat and simmer, covered for 10-12 minutes.

2. While sauce is simmering, in a bowl mix eggs, bread crumbs, parmasan and romano cheeses, parsely, garlic salt, and pepper. Add ground turkey and knead.

3. Shape meat mixture into balls at desired size.

4. In a skillet cook meatballs over medium heat. Turn occasionally to brown evenly.

5. In another pan heat spinach and saute with minced garlic.

6. Stir meatballs and spinach into sauce.

7. Let simmer for about 5 minutes.

8. For extra flavor stir in a desired amount of parmasan and romano cheese.

I Am Changing

2009-07-01T11:56:00.004-04:00

As the saying goes "there is nothing to fear but feat itself". I am a person who is always in a constant state of change. In fact, the only thing that does not change about me is that I am always changing. With each new chapter of life that I enter, I openly welcome new experiences and most importantly, I openly welcome a new me.

Recently however, because I am in a period of transition, change seems to have become such a disruption. I have yet to decide whether I feel disrupted because things are happening too fast and I'm being hesitant or that they aren't happening fast enough and I'm being impatient.

Either way, what ever state of flux that my life is in, it is more than apparent that I am a completely different person that I ever knew myself to be. I have witnessed many people grow more into themselves after graduating from college and it is interesting to see just what type of person someone becomes.

As I mentioned, I do not think people become different people, they just grow into their self. You can see just how good or just how bad a person is when they reach a point in life when they are obligated to leave their mark on the world. Some rise to the occasion, while others fall back.

I had a friend who was an uptight, straight A, always studying and never had a life, pretty conservative and not adventurous person. Her number one goal in life was to do well in school and get a financially lucrative and prestigious job. She reached her goal but quickly found that....it just wasn't her. She ended up quitting her $90,000/year job, moved to New York City, began working for a non-profit organization, and is in the process of getting her teacher's certification.

I had another friend who was what I would consider a pretty naive, sensitive, and week minded individual. But after college, she turned into a powerhouse as far as her career is concerned. She's definitely doing the damn thing, and is taking no bullshit. She has become very good at selling herself when before she used to sell herself short.

On the flip side, I had a friend who was always very ambitious and had a lot of hustle in her to get to where she wanted to go. But after college, she became one of the laziest people I ever met and her primary career goal is to simply fall in love and build a family....not that there is a problem with that, but the change from her being one way to being another way was pretty drastic. Nowadays, she has a lot of goals but usually needs someone to not just push her, but to really drag her, into seeing that those goals are fulfilled. Even though it is not really my thing, I admire the fact that we are so different because I really wish that I was more focused on building a family...as much as I want it, it is something that does not come natural to me. Just as as much as she wants to achieve certain goals outside of personal relationships, it does not come natural to her.

Because I graduated late, many of friends reached this point before me. Therefore in the back of my mind, I have always wondered just exactly who I was going to grow into.

I have found that my life is taking a more creative direction. I have discovered that I have a love for art and surprisingly I am very good at it...even for a beginner. Even though I started dibbling and dabbling a couple weeks ago, and of course am far from being close to a professional, many people think that I have at least been doing it for way longer.

I have learned that I am a humanitarian and am currently working with an old acquaintance on establishing a non-profit organization.

I have learned that I am a comedian and my greatest gift that I bring to the table is laughter.

I am also learning that I am easily swayed by pretty faces. I am not a girl who puts herself out there as far as men are concerned. Even though I've been told that I am a lot of fun, I have always been pretty adamant about not getting distracted by the opposite sex. But now that the pressure of getting my degree is off, I find that I am very unapologetically flirtatious and shallow. If I lived in LA or Miami where there is nothing but exceptionally beautiful men walking around shirtless...I'd be a full fledged hoe. I have learned that for me, looks substantially outweigh personality. I am a cheerleader who loves football players.

I recently came onto a friend's "interest". I say interest because they do not have anything going on but she likes him a lot...and he is fine as all hell. My ass came on to him right in front of her and this was before I found out that they weren't dating. I am currently dating this guy and he is real cool and nice but....he introduced me to his best friend who I flirt with right in front of his face. I was not hoish in the way that I approached these situations, as my intentions were not deceptive and under handed. I just reacted on what felt natural. After all, if I was trying to be under handed, I would have acted behind closed doors and not in front of anyone. I am not saying this to say that I am proud but I am showing people that this is the person that I am unfortunately/fortunately growing into.

Overall, I am growing in to a more free-spirited person than I was. I'm like a hippie. lol. "Peace, Love, and Friendship to all the pretty people." and "Universal Love for Everyone and Everything" have become my mottoes.

I think that as adults, we eventually revert back to our desires that we had as children. I think that most of the friends that I made reference to in this entry, eventually turned back into who they were as kids. I'm not saying that people grow immature or childish...I'm just saying we have basic inclinations that we are born with. I think that these inclinations are diluted through social institutions that teach us to discipline are natural urges. Once we get our "break out of jail free" cards, we go and do what we were born to do.

Because I feel that I have been locked in a bat cave for all these years because I was busy disciplining myself for the hustle, I would be lying if I did not admit that this new found freedom is slightly unsettling.

I have found that recently I have become frozen with fear. I have developed a latent lack of nerve and I am absolutely confused as to what it is I actually want. I feel that at this point in time, or at least before writing this entry, I have allowed my anxieties and fears to hold me back when I should be opening my mind to new and unexpected possibilities. I need to just trust my own intincts and not hope, but know I'll get what I want.

The majority of my anxiety stems from the fact that I have a lot of deceitful people around me...but with time, I need to know that will change as long as I do not let it affect me. I am learning that a little bit of sugar goes a long way and that the most influential leaders do not go and cut their adversaries to pieces. Rather, they show their adversaries the right way to do it and lead by example.

I am learning that the best medicine for dealing with under handed people is to include them in your life as opposed to them including you in theirs. That's how you get pulled down by the negativity when you allow them to draw you into them. The key is to draw them into you. But most importantly, don't give up on having faith in people.

Oh yeah...one more thing...

I really did go and have my name changed. Before getting an official court order for a change of name, you are required to publish your name change notice in the newspaper. That's why name changes are thought to be expensive. Filing for a name change is not that expensive...especially if you qualify for a filing fee waiver. However, publishing the notice in the newspaper is can be very very expensive. But I researched some small newspapers and only have to pay $30 - $80 to publish the notice.

Once I get my name change published and subsequently receive an order from the court, I can officially use my new name.

Stay tuned....I'll announce the new name soon. (Yeah, I know I'm crazy but I'm crazy and happy!)

Determined to Live My Life as a Simple Bitch!

2009-06-25T22:51:00.007-04:00

It is no surprise to all those that know me that I am probably one of the most simple bitches that you know. Comedy Central is my bible, Katt Williams is my preacher, and Ron White is my daddy. I will forever have an adamant addiction to adult cartoons like South Park, King of the Hill, Family Guy, and others that come on adult swim. Sarcasm, wit, humor, and being carelessly blunt hallmark my life. I do not take life seriously and even when it seems as if I am taking life seriously, I am rolling on the floor laughing my ass off on the insides...only close friends know this about me. People who do not know me well usually take me seriously when I'm latently giving them the okey-doke. Even on this blog...

I think I'm one of the few people who wonder "Why is Mr. Crabs daughter a whale and why is he so concerned with the Crusty Crab flooding when she cries if they live in the water?"

Anyways, staying true to character, and embracing the simpleton that I am...I have decided to CHANGE MY NAME!!! I am a non-committal person and me and the name that I have carried for the last 23 years have been together waaaayyyy too long. I am getting bored with being Courtney Nichole Thompson.

So what randomly brought this on? Well, surprisingly it was not that random. I have always wanted to change my name. Don't ask me why, I really do not have a real reason...at least not until now.

The reason why I never actually went through a name change was because 1) I had too much shit surrounding school in my name and 2) I thought that it would be kind of ridiculous to answer "because I just felt like it" when people ask me "Bitch, what the hell possessed you to change your name?".

I am in a transition period in my life, so what the hell...might as well go for it. It can't hurt...especially for a free spirited person like me. If all else fails, I'll change it back. Whateva Chedda.

So I have come up with a really lame reason for changing my name, but it is a reason none-the-less.

A friend of mine recently found out she was pregnant and we decided to look up baby names. We happened to stumble upon the website Kabalarian Philosophy in our search for a baby name. I really do not know much about this shit, but I am guessing it is something like numerology or something crazy. Anyways, it basically tells you how your name effects your personality and your life. Coincidentally, we happened to stumble upon this site when they were giving away free name reports (which stops on July 20th). So...because I can never turn down anything free and I do have a latent interest in occultish type things (I am a Scorpio), I ordered it.

Turns out, my name sucks....correction, it's more middle of the road and I hate being the middle of the road. In response, I have ordered free reports for names that I think I may want to change my name to. I'm changing my middle name to Courtney and I'm keeping my last name. That way, people can still call me what they've been calling me.

We will see how this plays out....

Oh yeah...if anybody cares, I have pasted the report below:

"
Your First Most Used Name

Your name, Courtney, makes you clever, proficient, and analytical. You could be
inventive along practical, mechanical lines. Your natural skepticism is overcome
only through factual detail and logical proof. You are independent and positive in
opinion, original in your thinking, and a stickler for logic and reason. Drawn into
hard work and detail, at times you long for new experiences and adventure. Any
new undertaking holds appeal, but you tend to attract limited opportunities that
involve considerable monotony and result in feelings of repression and
frustration. Challenges hold your interest, but once your interest wanes, you
switch to something else, leaving your undertakings unfinished. You have an
inquisitive, investigative mind and a curiosity about life, along with an interest in
scientific matters.

You tend to live your ideas day and night, or else lose interest completely. You
cannot be pushed or driven, responding instead with great effort if you are
approached with proper consideration. Good manners, reliability, and honesty are
important to you, and you expect them in others. As you never forget an injustice,
it is difficult for you to forgive and forget. You take life seriously and tend to be
matter-of-fact and practical in your outlook, following established routines most
of the time.

Efficiency is critical to you, however, there are times when your over-exacting
and meticulous ways create misunderstandings. Lack of attention to details by
others can be very frustrating. You must guard against becoming satirical and
contemptuous, thereby creating bitter experiences in personal relationships. Your
changing moods make it difficult for others to respond to you appropriately. You
are not overly conversational unless there is something to learn from the
conversation. Social chitchat does not appeal to your practical nature.
Although you tend to champion causes and want to help others who are in lessfortunate
circumstances, you are not overly sympathetic nor forgiving. In fact,
you feel awkward and self-conscious when put in delicate situations, as you feel
your inability to be as diplomatic as you should be. You cannot stand ridicule nor
appreciate a joke at your expense.

You have strong likes and dislikes and often respond to hunches. Your first
impressions of situations or people are usually accurate, although there are times
when you are too naïve, causing you to trust people who then let you down.
The intensity created by the use of this name creates stomach and intestinal
disorders such as ulcers, growths, or constipation.

Your Surname

Your surname of Thompson creates a very friendly, happy, and spontaneous
family of people. They love parties, social activities, and entertaining. They are
artistic, musical, and creative, and respond to inspirational and
spur-of-the-moment experiences. They dislike system, order, routine, or
monotony, and are spendthrifty; it is difficult for them to save. They are very
self-expressive and their home life is usually in a commotion, for they are always
stirring up excitement and playing pranks on one another. They can be extremely
expressive and say things just for the sake of an argument and thoroughly enjoy
the humour and fun it creates. However, this name can cause emotional outbursts
and hurt feelings; thus they must learn to control their impulsive and emotional
nature. They forgive and forget easily, and display their feelings very quickly.
Love is their motivating force and they are very affectionate, giving, and
inspirational. They are not practical or interested in mathematics, unless their
other names bring out this influence. They basically lack self-discipline and
dislike self-denial. Although this name creates a happy, friendly family of people,
it destroys stability and accumulation. They can be over-emotional and indulge
their appetites, and thus have an overheated bloodstream, causing skin conditions,
liver problems, and emotional desires.

Your Combined Name

The combined names Courtney Thompson create a desire to be financially
independent, and an interest in economics and business affairs. However, with
this combination you do not realize the fulfilment of your ideals, even though you
enjoy a measure of financial stability and success. Just when opportunities seem
to be coming your way, you are overlooked in favour of someone else. You are
taken away from association with people and experience much aloneness. You
could experience health problems affecting the heart and lungs.

Your Business Signature

The business signature of Courtney Nichole Thompson takes you into
circumstances where you work independently in a leadership way, pioneering for
the benefit of others. You have to work hard with limited resources, facilities,
and conditions. This signature restricts your financial success by requiring you to
put far more into an enterprise than you get out of it, with the benefits of your
efforts going to someone else.

Your Other First Name(s)

Your name Nini has given you an idealistic nature with a desire to help others.
Your initiative often causes you to be the first to act when you see a need. Your
desire to help also makes you generous, sympathetic, and loyal in your
friendships. Since you are impressionable and receptive, you feel the misfortunes
of others very keenly. However, this name makes it awkward for you to express
your deeper thoughts and feelings with finesse and diplomacy to the extent that
your candid, sometimes blunt, manner of speaking creates misunderstandings
with others. Although you know what is expected of you, you feel awkward and
embarrassed when drawn into delicate situations that require extreme tact.
Because of this lack of verbal expression, you experience inner feelings of
frustration and repression which can cause you to retaliate.
This name creates a dual quality in that at times, you are compassionate and
understanding and, at other times, unyielding and strong willed. Being somewhat
self-centred, you learn through your own experiences, as you rarely take advice
from others. Yet, you are sensitive and very easily hurt and offended. You long
for praise and appreciation for your efforts, but others find it difficult to
understand you. If you perceive you are being taken advantage of, you can
become overly critical and complaining. On the other hand, when understood, you
can be very charming and affectionate, as you respond quickly to kindness and
sympathy.

You dislike monotony and system and enjoy being creative in an inventive way
whether it be in interior decorating, music, art, crafts, or other endeavours that
require versatility and skill. You enjoy working with your hands. You are imaginative and visionary, somewhat of a perfectionist, yet the results of your
efforts often fall short of your high expectations. A leadership position appeals to
you because you would enjoy directing others rather than being directed.
Being impulsive, you make hasty decisions, which you often regret after you
experience the results.

Your feelings are strong and you tend to react intensely to situations. This name
tends to create a quick temper, mostly because an inability to express your
thoughts and feelings with clarity leaves you feeling tongue-tied. The tension and
frustration resulting from this restriction could cause you to suffer with severe
headaches or sinus problems.

Because of your sensitive nervous system, over-stress and extreme tiredness could
cause nervous disorders, seizures, fainting, or dizziness. You could also
experience head tension such as headaches, weak eyes, or throat problems.

Your name of Court to the extent that you use it creates a very restless, active,
and versatile nature. You dislike monotony, system, or routine, and crave
independence, freedom of thought, action, and opportunities for change and
travel. Life is a challenge to you; anything that is new and different catches your
interest and you will devote time and effort until you have the satisfaction of
figuring it out, but once the challenge is over you are on to something new. You
have a humanitarian side to your nature and could be a champion of the underdog,
for you dislike injustice. Often you speak too directly and can create
misunderstandings and hurt feelings. You have attracted many disappointments
with people because you take them at their word and will often be let down. This
causes you to take a defensive attitude and you could become cynical. You enjoy
outdoor activities. You like to be individual and dislike doing what everyone else
does, just for the sake of association. With keen analytical ability, you seek truth
and appreciate knowing the reason "why". However, you are far too intense and
emotional and experience problems in your nervous system, tension in the
stomach and solar plexus, as well as uncontrolled speech. When depressed you
suffer with moods through self-pity.

Quorda is not a good name to use for it destroys creative ability, imagination and
depth of thought. It makes you a very practical, hard working person. Other
people find it difficult to get along with you because you are so set in your
opinions. You find it hard to show any warmth towards others. You show an
interest in the technical aspect of things. If anything mechanical needs fixing, you
are quite capable of fixing it. Your desire for heavy foods (meat and starches) can
result in constipation, ulcers, and intestinal growths.

Your name of Nichole creates a happy-go-lucky, idealistic, easy-going, but
over-emotional nature. If this name is used to any extent, you would be inclined to
take the easy way out. To smooth over any unpleasant situation, you prefer to
evade the issue rather than hurt others. You find it hard to save your finances;
money slips through your fingers quickly because you enjoy a good time and
others can influence you to part with your money. You create a good impression
by your appearance and your charming personality. You are naturally drawn to
people and love to converse with them. You enjoy social events and relaxed, easy
living, without pressures. This name causes you to lack system, order, and
concentration, making it difficult for you to follow through with your intentions
and live up to your commitments. Through over indulgence you could suffer with
skin or liver problems, an overheated bloodstream, or fluid troubles such as
overweight, kidney problems, or varicose veins.

Your Other Combined Name(s)

Your full name of Nini Thompson gives you the desire for creative outlets, for
much sociability, and for opportunities to give to and share with others. Although
you want active conditions and variety in your life, you are constantly dealing
with mundane, monotonous details. You are taken into surroundings where much
hard work is required of you, but you receive little in proportion to your efforts.
You can make progress through much perseverance and taking advantage of the
limited opportunities that do come your way. The successes you have are the
result of focused efforts. Seldom do favourable conditions come your way. Any
health weaknesses would show in skin, liver, or stomach problems.

Your Other Business Signature(s)

To the extent that you use the business signature of CNT, you are drawn into
situations where there is the need to give of yourself to help others. You attract
positions that require a great deal of individual effort with limited resources,
physical comforts, or conveniences. Invariably, you put more into an enterprise or
venture than you gain from it. The benefits usually go to someone else. You
pioneer many efforts, working hard, but just when you begin to make headway, or
have your goal in sight, someone else takes advantage of the situation to reap the
rewards that should be yours. There is little opportunity to draw upon, either in
your work environment or from personal contacts. This signature would not bring
you the financial accumulation you deserve.

To the extent that you use the business signature of Courtney Nichole, it would
bring you a degree of financial stability and success, but your expectations and
ambitions would not be fully realized. Your work environment draws you into
positions where contact with others is restricted with the result that your efforts
and capabilities are not fully recognized or rewarded. Opportunities or
advancement that you wait for all too often go to someone else.
Misunderstandings frequently arise in your business dealings making it difficult to
negotiate the most favourable terms, or bring arrangements to a fully successful
conclusion."

Just Thinkin: Still Up...

2009-06-22T01:36:00.006-04:00

This weekend was really great and for some reason I get more energized when everything in my life is all gravy (or at least close to it). I actually tend to sleep more when things are not going my way and tend to be a lot more restless when things are going my way. Hence, the reason for the late night blog entry. I'll just type my thoughts as they come....

It seems that my late graduation was not in vain! Lol. Apparently everyone and their mama is making a come back to Bmore. I'm not complaining....after all, the more the merrier. I was a little scared after turning down a job offer and sticking by the decision to return home. Many people looked at me as if I was crazy, but I know what works for me. I am a person who will always have my priorities straight and I will stick by it no matter what. That has been the key to my success and I undoubtedly believe it will always be that way. I believe that the most successful (and happiest) people are those who stay true to who they are and stay focused on their long-term goals. Of course I want to have financial stability and a glamorous, well-respected job....but fulfilling that in the short-term by taking the job that I was offered would have got in the way of things that I plan to get done in the long run.

I want it all, and to get it all the first rule is 1) to learn patience and 2) to make smart decisions regardless of all the noise surrounding you (be it negative or positive). I do not believe the best way to happiness and financial success is to work for other people...and given this day and age with the economy the way it is, if you are going to work for anybody, it better be the government. I have always preached that people should invest in themselves and invest in their community. And that is exactly what I'm doing now. I am working on a couple of projects...some hopefully lucrative and one that is non-profit. I'll probably expand on this in a later entry particularly when these projects have made a little more headway. But I'm excited.

I must admit that I have been moving a lot more slowly regarding which direction I'm headed than I usually do. I guess because up until a couple of weeks ago I temporarily lost my motivation. Primarily due to the fact that I just graduated and was enjoying the break. But, break is over. It was fun while it lasted, but I was never comfortable sitting still. I am currently working but I'm not staying where I'm at very long...and I still consider my current job a part of my "break" considering it's just something I took for some extra cash.

Anyways, I usually cut people off around News Years or the beginning of Spring but I feel it is about that time again. Primarily because I am in a transition period in my life. I know of five friends who recently have not been holding up their end. Two of which I absolutely love to death and are a little surprised by them...regardless, they are still good people but I have realized that our priorities differ and our friendship has just about run its course. The remaining three, our friendship ran its course a long time ago...it is most definitely time for the ship to sail.

The funny thing is, as soon as I make the conscious decision to put them in my back pocket, they will inevitably start hitting my phone up. For some reason, that always happens. I'm getting a little too old for casualty. Casual relationships with people have always been my hallmark. But it is about time that I stop looking at people as stepping stones toward a certain goal and start really looking at them.

I feel like I'm in a building mode. As much as I value freedom and independence, it is time for me to start laying solid foundations toward building security...financial and emotional. Setting a foundation is tedious and boring, especially for someone who is preoccupied like me. But, if I want the life that crave, I have to do what I got to do. The more I see the value in it, the less of a task it will be. Surprisingly, I thought seeing the value in pulling back my freedom and independence and having patience was going to be an impossible lesson for me, but my life is headed in a direction that I never thought it would go...and for that, I'm thankful. I'm still keeping my fingers crossed that it will continue to go this way. Of course, their will be bumps in the road...but I think that I'm prepared for it.

In other news, I think that I saw Mr. Snake Guy the other day. I'm 90% certain that it was him. I always thought what would happen if I ever ran into him. Since Maryland does not seem to be that big of a place and everybody in some way, shape, or form knows everybody else, I was almost certain that we would run into each other. Blah! I could never decide if I should be cordial or if I should be a bitch. Truthfully, I really would just want to ignore him and keep it movin...not because I'm angry but I'm really just that far removed. Anyways, I saw him and did not bother to get his attention. I just smiled on the inside, laughed to myself, and thought "thank god that's over." And in those very few seconds of seeing him, I picked up on his swag and could not help but think "what in the hell did I see in that dude? Courtney, what were you on?"

What would be even funnier is if the dude that I thought was him wasn't really him. It makes you kind of wonder how many people have you been someone else to. I wonder if anyone has ever saw me thinking that I was someone they knew, ran back home and called someone and said "Guess who the fuck I saw today? You know Cassandra is looking awfully good these days". I wonder how many strangers have me in their pictures somewhere in the background, looking at my toes.

I have learned a lot about life within the past five weeks....probably more so than I have learned in my whole life. Or maybe I'm just smarter now and less hardheaded. It doesn't take much for me to learn a lesson.

I find that I'm still having a hard time dealing with issues of my past. I feel like I'm a private person with many skeletons in my closet. People do not really know me and on some level, I'm pretty sure that I'm a big ass question mark. I think people assume a lot of things about me because I really give them no choice but to fill in the blanks as to who I am and what has made me me. I am not really private just for privacy's sake, I think that on some level, I am afraid to be judged. I liked being looked at as the smart, college girl who has her life together. I liked being looked at as practical and drama-free. I wonder how people's opinion of me would change if they knew that I used to pop pills on the regular, I've tried LSD and Coke. My life has been fraught with trauma.

I have grown to become a very optimistic person, but I feel that if anyone was to ask me about my life experiences they may get the impression that I'm negative. Because as much as do not want to admit it, in my 23 years, I've had more bad days than good ones. Who wants to talk to someone who keeps bringing up bad stories. I have a lot of crazy, random, absolutely hilarious stories to tell as well. But, I feel like I've told all of them a thousand times over. I think that it is time for me to take the risk and unleash the skeletons. I need to have a little bit more faith in people. I think that is the biggest aspect of myself that I am currently working on. I is very hard because traumatic things stick with you...and with many people, trauma last a lifetime. People really do not understand that it really skews your perspective on many things. It is like walking through life being hearing impaired and without a hearing aid. You have to kind of figure out and some times guess what people are actually saying to you because a valuable sense has been messed up. It is very easy for you to misunderstand people and even easier for people to misunderstand you.

But I'm working on adding a hearing aid to my life. I've been working on it. And even though I'm still latently affected by many things in my past, I am determined to get the hell over it. I mean seriously...the shit is annoying.

Anyways, I'm finally sleepy has all hell.

Nighty Nite

Just 4 Kicks: Cartomancy

2009-06-21T23:27:00.007-04:00

So given my habit to talking to random people....I was sitting at the DMV the other day and this chic beside me started talking to me. I'm overly outgoing so I welcomed the conversation even though the chic was a little freaky. But whateva...to each its own. Anyways, the chic was telling me something about cartomancy. I still have really no idea what the hell it is....it seems to me that it is similiar to tarot or something but instead of using tarot cards, you actually use a real playing cards. I do not really believe in it, but it was a good and interesting way to pass away the time at the DMV. I let the chic do a reading and felt that it would be fun to post it. Once again, I want to reemphasize that I do not believe in this stuff...it's just for fun. Oh yeah, I told her that I just wanted her to pull the cards and not interpret it. I just wanted her to let me know if it was a good reading or a bad reading. Even though I do not believe in it, a part of me still appreciates the unexpected and I must say I do not have any interests in finding out weather or not I'll be hit by a bus tomorrow.

Love Life

Career

Relationship with Sister

Make A Wish (and see if it's meant to come true)

R.I.P. Uncle Gregory

2009-05-31T16:32:00.005-04:00

To Uncle Greg

God knew that you were tired
so he sent you peace
he asked you to come home
so he could put your mind at ease.

God knew that you were tired
so he whispered "Do not fear,
I have a cure for your unrest,
life gets better from here."

God knew that you were tired
so respite he assured
and when your calling came
you went home with the Lord.

God knew that you were tired
so he left friends and family to lurk
with tears of sorrow and tears of joy
to continue your work on earth.

God knew that they were tired
so before you went to bed
he left them all a message
to lift their weary heads...

"As the great book says,
do not loose heart
put a smile on your face
and be happy to have known Greg
before he had to depart"

And with these words
they praised him and rejoiced,
"Greg is the man and forever is our boy!"

Played By Myself

2009-05-29T14:24:00.003-04:00

Played by Myself

I've tried to consolidate
the hundreds of impulses
that fill my empty days
but it's all in vein
it's all vein
I am learning that I am selfish
it's either that or I'm just confused
maybe I'm just delusional
or maybe I've been abused
My life is filled with maybes
and one-hundred million goodbyes
Yet
despite all my tribulations
I've yet to learn to cry
I feel that I am crazy
but they've told me that I am sane
but regardless
I still try
not to succumb
to my long forgotten drunken haze
But the bottom of the glass
is where I've learned to survive
because despite resilience
it's guidance
that I try so hard to find
The world is filled with people
who are ninety percent dumb
Consequently
here I lay
ninety-nine percent NUMB

I've been played by myself.

The Royal Flush

2009-05-24T14:11:00.002-04:00

Of course one of the biggest issues concerning our community is the need for more male mentors. This is a problem that has been around for many generations. Even though I do recognize the need for more male mentors, I cannot help but feel that because women are so much of the shit, that maybe we need to shift our focus on encouraging female mentors. Yes, men do need to learn to step up but at the same time, they do what they do because we allow them to do it. Therefore, it starts with women. As I wrote in a previous entry, we hold the power. If you teach women to step up their game, men will have no choice but to follow.

The reason why I am discussing this is because lately I have been feeling very discouraged when I look around at all the women in my life. Don't get me wrong, I have much admiration and respect for each and everyone of them. I just sometimes wish that they could see in themselves what I see in them. They may feel that I judge them but in all reality, my criticism stems from the fact that I just want what's best for them. If they don't fight for themselves, then who else will?

Anyways, when it comes to my own personal dealings with men or issues outside of men that pertain to women, I find that I often seek the advice of a homeboy. In the end, I am still left feeling directionless because what the hell do my homeboys know about women shit? I always am left in a position where I have to guess because I know that allowing others to walk all over me (in cases outside of relationships as well) is not an option.

What is being said to young women when an older woman tells them "The only way a relationship will work is if the woman gives up everything for a man."? What is being said to young women when an older woman is focused on learning how to keep her house clean not because she wants it for herself, but because that is the only way she feels she can walk down the aisle in a pretty white dress? What is being said to a young women when an older woman submits to game playin and manipulation tactics to win over someone who is not necessarily down for her? What is being said to a young women when an older woman talks about having sex with a man just so he will not leave her? What does it say to a young woman when an older woman talks about the only way to win a man is to have good punany?

Most importantly....what does all this say to the young men? I know a lot of single mothers that have little boys and half-absent or completely absent baby daddies. I'm just keepin it real so excuse me if I offend anybody by saying this but....by allowing a string of different men into your babies lives, how are men ever going to learn how to act if little boys only see the unqualified men that their mothers bring around? The same question can be asked with those who have daughters.

The biggest lesson that I believe women need to be taught is emotional independence and be adamant about not settling for less than what they want. They need to learn to stop trying to change themselves in order to change men. Rather, they need to learn to change their situations and state of mind. We need to be taught that we are not victims and stop acting like martyrs.

A common school of thought is that in life, you have to learn how to play with the cards you are dealt with. I beg to differ, I think we ladies need to learn that all of us have been dealth a royal flush and the only difference from one person to another is how big the winning pot is (i.e. not everyone is born with a silver spoon).

So ladies, stop going through life as if you are playing a no pair hand. Come to the table of life with a big smirk on your face and be ready to lay your cards down and take what you deserve.

Instead of thinking "you have to play with the cards you are dealt with"...start thinking "I have a royal flush bitches! Fuck you, pay me"

Once you change your state of mind....pass your hand on....

This Song Fits My Swag

2009-05-18T13:45:00.001-04:00

Happy Graduation To Me!!

Breakin Out, Breakin Out

2009-05-11T11:27:00.002-04:00

Just letting all my lovelies know that I am back in Baltimore so get at me. However, I will be leaving for Texas today until the 14th. Then off to the Burgh for graduation until the 18th. After that, I'm all yours! Holla @ ya girl.

"School's out for the summer! School's out FOREVER!"

The Alpha Bitch Syndrome

2009-05-06T12:49:00.003-04:00

Lately there has been much talk about why there is always female on female crime. Almost every female that you ask will tell you without hesitation "I don't fuck with bitches!". It is a reoccurring theme in the daily lives of most females and the media exploits are dramatic antics toward each other through the wave of reality TV. We also see the shit on our facebook and myspace statuses...telling the world how much we are willing to piss on a fire hydrant just to prove that we are fabulous.

Let me just say, there is nothing fabulous about pissing on a fire hydrant.

Men are continuously scratching their heads in confusion, kind of wondering "why can't these bitches just get along?".

Well I am here today to tell you. The problem with chics is that every woman wants to be an "Alpha Woman". Most of the time, being deemed the alpha of anything is usually associated with men, but when it all comes down to it, women are more prone to this syndrome than men are. A man will not let anyone "test his gangster" but that does not necessarily mean that a man is in a constant state of competitiveness with another man to stay on top. Men learn very early on to be comfortable with just being and accepting their place on the Greek alphabetical hierarchy (not unless it comes down to their cars). After all, there is not enough room for everyone to be an alpha....or is it?

Most women are born with the notion that they are the most beautiful, the most fabulous, the most smartest, etc... However, women fail to realize that not everyone is a Halle Berry or an Einstein. Yet despite this obvious reality, there are few women on earth that will admit to being full of faults. We love to live under the delusion that we are flawless.

Yes, you should have confidence and yes, you should love who you are...but really, how confident and accepting of yourself are you if you are consistently comparing yourself to someone else? Just be, ladies, just be.

Every chic believes that her way is the only way and any diversion from her subjective reality, no matter how small the diversion may be, will bring out the worst in her. When a woman feels that her Alpha status is threatened, she becomes more manipulative, underhanded, and/or aggressive....Women who suffer from the Alpha Bitch Syndrome are shiesty and are snakes. Instead of working on changing themselves, they'd rather work on demolishing any Alpha Woman that stands in their way.

Before I continue, let me just clarify the difference between the Alpha Woman and the Alpha Bitch. The Aplha Woman has her swag turned on to the point that she is unresponsive to foolishness. Everyday she asks herself "What's a hater?" because to her, haters do not exist. She is an alpha who doesn't know she is an alpha because her focus is on the high road and on nothing else. She never has to look in her rearview because she has enough faith in herself to direct her life just by simply looking straight ahead. She is the master of the okey-doke because she inwardly knows that she has nothing to prove. A person can believe what they want about her...who is she to correct them? She knows what it is and has no problem keepin it movin...she keeps it movin and is always three steps ahead. She is straightforward and arms herself with inner beauty. Her mottos: "Get the getter before you get got", "Goin brush your shoulders off", "I am who I am so just let a bitch be", and "Whateva' Chedda'"

...let that marinate a little bit.

The Alpha Bitch on the other hand, puts the energy of her swag into her mouth. Everyday she spits fire, screaming to the top of her lungs "Fuck all these hatin ass bitches, they know what's really good". She is a chic who thinks she is an alpha, who wakes up every morning thinking of ways to have swag like an alpha, who seriously reminds everyone just how much of an alpha she is everyday. She is always looking out her rearview because she is worried about who is going to come up from behind and thus has a hard time looking straight ahead. She loves watching other people's business and yet, she is left wondering why she crashes so much and why she has trouble going from point A to point B. She is the master of words and the fire she spits is like no other. She must remind everyone who she is because she does not realize that if she were somebody she wouldn't have to tell them. She does not understand how to let her swag speak for itself. She is condescending because that is her only weapon that she is armed with. Her mottos: "They wish they were a boss like me", "Suck a dick", and "Don't they realize who the fuck I am?"

But regardless if you are an Alpha Woman, suffer from The Alpha Bitch Syndrome, or fall somewhere in between there is still room for everyone to hold a high rank.

There is a power that all women have and unfortunately this day and age, we have forgotten it, have yet to tap into it,and/or have given it away.

Like Hov said "It's the power of the P.U.S.S.Y.". Now, to all the Alpha Bitches out there...this does not mean that you have the best tastin vajayjay nor does it mean that the power lies in the fact that you give the best head....the power of the vajayjay lies in the ability to dangle it without giving it away....it's called seduction...and an Alpha Woman knows its art.

(will finish later)

Don't Take It Personally? How Can't U...

2009-05-03T18:15:00.005-04:00

I have finally taken the last class OF MY LIFE...or at least until I decide to get a Masters which is highly likely.

I am done, done, done and it feels so incredibly good because as I always say..."It's been one hell of a ride!".

I feel that now that I have my degree, the next thing that I want to focus on is my personal relationships because at the end of the day, that is what matters most. Money will always be there but people, however, will not. There is no doubt in my mind that career wise I'll end up where I'm suppose to be....as far as my personal relationships are concerned I feel that needs a lot of work.

In the past, I have always been a person that has had an "easy come, easy go" attitude toward people. And I have what I like to call a "preoccupied" state-of-mind. This way of thinking has worked well in terms of helping maintain my resiliency in order to achieve other goals, but, this way of thinking is not sustainable.

Eventually you have to take the plunge and tell yourself that people are not disposable. It's part 2 of the maturation process...and for me, is by far the hardest to learn.

It was not until very recently that I discovered just how much of a non-committal person that I am. I never had a real desire to have an intimate relationship (which is probably why my past history with men is not all that great), I do not want kids, when I go to work I'm in and out and really do not care to make work friends, I have always had a desire to get as far away from my dysfunctional family that was humanly possible, and even though I have been well received by roommates...I'd prefer to live alone.

Don't get me wrong, I have a genuine love and concern for most people, I make friends easily and I am sociable...I am also the type who will drop everything to help someone else even to my own detriment....BUT, I have to admit, that there is a large part of me that is consistently unreachable.

Previously, I have been comfortable with the fact that I am non-committal. Like I said, investing more into my personal goals and less into others has got me far. But that is not necessarily what life is all about and I find myself slightly more unfulfilled than I have ever did before. I'm content and comfortable but unfulfilled nonetheless (sigh).

The reason why my proneness to run away from commitment has become a problem now is because now I want more than I previous did when it comes to my personal relationships. The problem with getting more is that I find that I'm a big ass scaredy cat. As much as I hate to admit this, I have discovered that I have a severe lack of trust and faith toward people. It's a lot deeper than I could have imagined and when I start getting too close for comfort with people, I have this HUGE compulsion to run away. This is something that I always knew was in me but I really never thought it was that deep and it was a very fixable problem.

I don't know where this compulsion comes from but because I am so resilient, I'm determined to kick this bad habit in the ass ASAP. I once read somewhere that the definition of courage was not someone who is fearless. Rather, courage means that you are very fearful but you charge ahead anyways. Some feel that I may be being a bit melodramatic about my inability to have personal relationships with any real depth, but, it has come to a point that the thought of being close makes my stomach drop and I get over anxious. So, it is definitely a real problem that has just made its way to the forefront.

I think I have become so accustomed to pushing my way through life for myself and by myself that as much as I want something different, this is my comfort zone. It's what I have come to know and anything outside of that is foreign to me.

As I said, I'm up for the challenge and I'm more than ready to open a new and fresh chapter in my life...even though I'm scared shitless. I have always put all my trust and faith into myself and learning to do otherwise will be hard but not impossible.

It's time for me to start taken things personally.

SCAREDY CATS NEED NOT APPLY

T.E.A.

2009-04-16T12:35:00.004-04:00

In the most recent news, many republicans have been protesting against Obama's stimulus plan through a reenactment of the Boston Tea Party. T.E.A. stands for Taxed Enough Already.

I have always had a problem with people who look down on taxes in general. People do not understand that without taxes, the general public could not benefit. I currently reside in Pennsylvania where they hardly tax anything, and the repercussions of it clearly shows. For instance, they take out about $50.00 out of our checks every January because the schools have no money....the city of Pittsburgh has run out of salt on many occasions and could not salt their streets during the harsh winters resulting in more car accidents.

These are things that most people take for granted because they do not understand that paying taxes is a way of giving back to the community. It is no different than tithing in church.

Even though I understand many people's frustration during this econmic crisis, a part of me cannot help but feel as though there is still a racial undertone behind this protest. If not a racial undertone, then it is very evident that Republicans are sore loosers. One cannot help but wonder where were the radical, creative protest when Bush was in office?

People are protesting a possible solution to the economy...but, they never protested its prevention. I cannot help but wonder if Hilary or another Democrat was elected into office, would citizens have organized the T.E.A. protest? Judging some of the picures of the protest, I say that the likelihood would have been small.

I have posted some pics below:

Maybe I'm over analyzing this, but I have a hard time wrapping my brain around how big government spending = slavery. Was this guy trying to find a way to relate to President Obama in hopes that he would see his point of view? Further, I think it's more than extreme to say that President Obama is attempting to take away our freedom by trying to promote change. Where were the protest against all the defense spending against the fake search for "weapons of mass destruction"?

My favorite pic by far..."Clinging to My God!, My Money!, My Guns!". All this says to me is "I'm really really upset that a black democrat won". They are making the outrageous claim that the new President and the new Washington is valueless and are theives. Futhermore, I fail to understand how God and Guns can be used in the same sentence with both things being looked at as good.

Chello, Chello...

2009-04-13T20:58:00.003-04:00

I've been a way awhile. In my past entries I have attempted to make updates but I've been working my ass off trying to run the last five miles of undergrad. I decided that since I finally have a little bit of free time (actually, I'm just looking for an excuse to put off a project), I'll run a very very brief update so I can keep my fans tuned in.....

1. Career

As many of you know, of course I am graduating later than I was suppose to because I got in trouble back in 2006 for tricking a guy into a threesome, handcuffing him to a wall, and leaving him there with his pants pulled down. Of course the story is more in depth than that, and if you are interested knowing more, feel free to click on the link for my livejournal page.

N e ways, of course its a little frustrating being one of the oldest on campus because everyone seems so young and dumb...and I say that in the nicest way possible. I understand that I was that way at one point and time and like myself, they have to make mistakes in order to grow. However, momma still needs her grown-up time every now and again.

As of right now, in this crazy economy, many of my graduating colleagues are having a hard time finding jobs. I have been asked to go on interviews and I did receive a job offer. However, I have turned all of them down. Many of my friends, family, and colleagues think I'm absolutely crazy but I am determined to get a job that suits my needs and my personality. Over the past couple of years, I have REFUSED to settle for less than what I wanted and I do not intend to stop now.

Getting a job is more than just a big paycheck at a prestigious company...I work to live as opposed to living to work. My biggest priority in my search is location. I opitimally want to live in either Atlanta or Washington D.C....at least for now. Secondly, I need a job that practices business in a way that is in line with my own personal values....and of course, this is very hard to find since in many companies you have to make money at the expense of others who have added value to your growth....not my style.

"He that will not apply new remedies must expect new evils; for time is the greatest innovator."

I'll elaborate on this later, but as I said, I'm just running a brief update.

2. Friends and Family

Nothing much to speak of here. Same 'ole, same 'ole. I'm absolutely loving the people that I have in my life. At the start of each year, I always erase the unwanted people in my life. Hence, by practicing this, my phone book is pretty much filled with only necessary people.

The only news on this front is that I think my sister wants to fuck this guy that I'm talkin' to but I'll have more on this drama later....but I must say that even though that I know of her intentions, I have not really addressed her about them because I'm seriously not moved by her. I pretty much give her the okey-doke and continue about my business....I feel that at the age of 23, there is no need to entertain drama that does not pose any direct threat. I have learned that it is perfectly okay to allow people to live in their own head....

Oh yeah, I almost forgot...speaking of people who live in their own head....Mr. Snake Guy hit me up not too long ago. I've changed my number since the last time I talked to him (back on New Years of 2008). I changed my number for other reasons outside of him so the only way for him to contact me was on the myspace. I found it laughable that he would have the audacity to hit me up...but I okey-doked him too and really refused to entertain any real conversation with him. I don't have any bitterness towards him or anything, so I was cordial...but, at the same time, I'm not for the foolishness. I made a resolve to rid him out of my life a long time ago, and I intend for things to stay that way. He wanted to know what I was doing for Memorial Day....I hope that he was just trying to stretch for conversation because unless we just happen to run into each other, I'm keeping it movin'. FO SHO! lol.

I am a little dishearted that two of my family members have been diagnosed with Cancer...and my older sister recently had to be tested for Hodgekins Disease...but the lump that they found was benign. Pray for them, please.

As always, the biggest loves of my lives are my niece and nephews who are doing very well. Oh yeah, my sister ended up knocked up AGAIN back in January. Fortunately, this time around she was sensible enough to get an abortion for the first time.

3. Love Life

For the first time in awhile it's getting better slowly but surely. I have three words: Jersey, Jersey, Jersey. I will fill everyone else in on this probably way later down the road cuz I've learned my lesson about putting my love life on blast via blogspot. I will not comment much on this area of my life until I'm in a more settled relationship.

Well that's all for now!

Keep in Touch....

Black is In!!!

2009-03-26T21:15:00.013-04:00

The most powerful politician in the world is Black.

The head of the Republican National Committee is Black.

The best known media mogul on earth and one of the most influential people in the world is Black.
The greatest golfer in the world is Black.

The top female tennis players in the world are Black.

The highest grossing actor worldwide is Black.

The fastest racing driver in the world is Black.

The brightest Astrophysicist under the sun is Black.

The Superbowl-winning Head Coach is Black.

The most successful brain surgeon in the world is Black.

The fastest human on the planet is Black.

Dog Eat-Dog World

2009-02-23T13:12:00.003-05:00

It's been awhile since I have had time to update my blog so I must put a disclaimer on this entry and let everyone know that it is definitely a little late. Even though we are fifty three days into the new year, I have yet to write my new year entry but I think that it is more appropriate to write it now than if I had written it earlier.

New Beginnings....

2009-02-08T22:45:00.003-05:00

"Dead And Gone"
(feat. Justin Timberlake)

[Spoken - T.I.]
Ay
Let me kick it to you right quick, man
That on some gangsta shit man, on some real shit
Anybody done been through the same thing, I'm sure you feel the same way

[Chorus - Justin Timberlake (T.I.)]
Ohhhh (eyyy)
I've been travellin' on this road too long (too long)
Just tryna find my way back home (back home)
The old me is dead and gone, dead and gone
And ohhhh (eyyy)
I've been travellin' on this road too long (too long)
Just tryna find my way back home (back home)
The old me is dead and gone, dead and gone, dead and gone

Click here for video

(will update my blog soon)

Natural Order

2009-01-15T10:31:00.005-05:00

Of course with most people here in the United States and with some across the world, the holiday season has came and went. Whether you celebrated Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Christmas, or New Years, I'm pretty sure most of us participated in some type of festivities throughout the past month and a half where the most important occasions surrounded religious events.

I was raised Presbyterian but I have a substantial number of relatives on both of my parents sides who are Jehovah's Witnesses. For those who are not familiar with the Jehovah's Witness following, it is a denomination of Christianity that is non-Protestant. They are very strict in their following of the Bible and take it very literally. They have basically the same rules as most Christians with the exception that they do not celebrate holidays besides weddings, anniversaries, and baby showers, and people in their congregation who commit major sins get disfellowshiped (like excommunication in the Catholic church). They consider themselves the one and only true religion/people of God (they refer to themselves as being in "The Truth") and they are encouraged not to associate with "worldly" people. They are not allowed to visit churches and they refer to their place of worship as the Kingdom Hall. They are not allowed to except blood or be blood donors. They are not allowed to vote because they believe that people should not govern other people because only God is the true ruler.

Because my family is divided between the Protestants and the Jehovah's Witnesses, needless to say religion and religious debates are things that arise often in my family. Especially around the holidays.

With that said, I decided that it would be an opportune time to state my own personal beliefs. I have touched base on them before, but I would like to take this time to elaborate.

My Personal Spiritual Doctrine

As I have mentioned in a previous entry, I am non-religious but I am very spiritual. I have a very universal and objective approach to my personal spiritual beliefs. Before I continue this discussion any further, I first would like to clarify the difference between religion and spirituality.

Religion implies that you belong to an organized group of people who have shared spiritual beliefs and interest and who practice certain traditions. Religion emphasizes fellowship. Spirituality, on the other hand, basically implies the recognition of a higher power and an appreciation for religious values. Those who are religious are spiritual but not everyone who is spiritual are religious.

I am a person who is strongly against organized religion. Historically, there has been more blood shed over religion than any thing else including race. It is my opinion that religion is by far the most divisive aspect in life. As stated before, the most volatile countries tend to be the most fanatic about religion. For instance, the UK is majority atheist and they are not deemed as a volatile country. British police officers (or Bobby's as they are called) do not even carry guns. I am not supporting atheism by any means, however, there is striong evidence that suggests religion is just as segregating and violent as race...if not substantially more. Therefore, I just claim myself to be "A Lover of God"...and I do not claim any particular sect of Christianity or any other religion for that matter.

I believe that there is a higher power but that there is a "Natural Order" to everything. All the religious traditions, prophets, and whatnot are what I like to call cultural elements of spiritualism. In the greater scheme of things, they do not matter. Before I continue, I want to re-emphasize that I do believe in God. I am re-emphasizing this because many people assume that if you are not religious then you must be atheist or agnostic. That is so far from the case. If anything, I consider myself to be more spiritual than many of the religious people that I know. I feel a very strong connection to the man upstairs...and I also feel a very strong connection to humanity as a whole (I have God tattooed on my back). Many people may scruntinize me for saying this, but I really believe that the Bible is not a hardcore historical account of anything. I think that the Bible is wrought with "useful fairytales" that, like many great literary works, use symbolism to teach very meaningful lessons. The Bible is a great tool and a great book on how to live life right and create your own happiness but that doesn't mean it should be taknen in its literal sense nor does it mean that everything in it is an actual happening.

To elaborate, I want everyone to think of the game Telephone. The game Telephone teaches us that with a span of less than five minutes, words can get twisted and a completely different message can be delivered to each individual person. Now if that can happen within the span of five minutes and if the majority of people cannont acurately recount what happens day by day, then what makes people think that the Bible should be taken literally where the stories spans over 100s of translations and centuries of storytelling? They do not even have Black history right and that spans not much over three centuries. People often forget that the Bible was inspired by God but it was written by man. Men are not perfect, so nothing that is man-made is perfect.

I forgot where I heard about this or saw this information, but it is my understanding that someone took a Bible verse and read the translation of it in a bunch of different languages. As it turns out, the interpretation of the verse was different in each language. Furthermore, there are many books in the Bible that are unpublished. Why? Who knows. But I must say that even though many countries attempt to separate church and state, in many cases, religion and politics go hand and hand. Back in the day, religion was politics...and political power can be very very corrupt. Because this is a known fact(which much of religion is not), it behooves me as to why people rarely question the validity of religous works. At one point and time, the majority of the world believed in Juno and Zeus. Nowadays, we look at Greek and Roman mythology as entertainment and many of us believe that people who followed mythology were ridiculous. How do we know that we do not look just as foolish? Especially when you think of stories such as Noah's Ark, Joana and the Whale, and the Tower of Babel. How could Noah realistically fit two of every animal in an ark? Why didn't the lions eat the elephants and where the hell did all the animals go to the bathroom for 40 days and 40 nights? Did he put any fish on the boat because I find it hard to believe that the two blue whales would fit anywhere? Is it really feasible and pragmatic to believe that a man was eaten by a whale and survived? Or that people really decided to build a tower to heaven which is thought to be a place out of this world? Back in those days, Mary would have been stoned to death or accused of witchcraft if she went around claiming that she was impregnated by a holy spirit. And I highly doubt that Joseph just automatically accepted the fact that his girlfriend got knocked up by a ghost when he himself never had sex with her.

Once again, I'm not suggesting that people should run out and burn their Bibles. I'm just saying they should read it with objectivity and do not be afraid to question it's validity. The Bible has fables and fables are written to teach valuable lessons. I am using the Bible as an example because I was raised in Christianity. But much of my observations pertaining to the Bible holds true for other religious works. Do not look at the stories as actual historical events. Rather, look to it as a collection of useful symbols that can be applied to everyday life.

I also disagree with the religious notiong that "if you do wrong, you will go to hell and will not receive salvation." I disagree with this because I feel teaching this takes away the emphasis on the actual consequences of your actions. I think that people are less prone to respond to someone who says "Wait to have sex after marriage because it is not pleasing to God and you'll go to Hell." than if they were to preach realistically and say "Wait to have sex after marriage because your dick will fall off since you are taking a greater risk at contracting an STD." It is of my opinion that Hell exists within us. Religious values/rules are set because if we do not follow these rules, we make life harder for ourselves and end up creating and living our own Hell. Not just for ourselves, but for the generations to come. "Hell", "Salvation", are just symbols for "Bad Consequence" and "Happiness". Religion keeps people looking to live for Life after Death, but I feel that God wants us to be happy NOW. Why be concerned with Life after Death when we are living and breathing right now?

I have addressed the religious folk throughout this discussion, now I want to address the atheist and the agnostic. It is hard for me to believe that there is not God at all. Even those who believe in "Big Bang Theory" never address the fact that "Big Bang" could have been an act of God. Furthermore, just thinking the universe just appeared and is as intricate as it is, sounds just as ridiculous as believing that the Bible is a historic account of anything. To me, atheist and the agnostic must not really be observing the world they in...or they really lack appreciation for its intricacies. Everything in life is just too calculated and too precise for there not to be some greater higher force. If the world were tilted just a couple of degrees the wrong way, we all would go spinning into the Sun. If bees did not exist, we would have not flowers because they would have a harder time pollenating. Things like this just don't appear out of nowhere. If life has taught us nothing, it has taught us that to everything there is a creator. Even people themselves are products of their mothers and fathers. As precise and intricate life is, there has to be a creator. Who, what, and how many is a question that probably will never be answered. But there is definitely a creator.

I think people just need to live and practice the true meaning of FAITH. I don't go to church because I have faith that just by following my inner pendulum--my intution--my instinct, I will naturally follow the course that was meant for me. And if I do follow the rules, the likelihood of me makin life harder for myself is very slim. The Bible teaches us that generations do suffer from the sins of those that came before it, so if you are born into a hard life, I hope that you understand that the only way to get out is to follow the rules.

Life is complicated, it is your responsibility to make it work. I just don't think that people should try to make it work by being divisive and participating in things that blind us to seeing the good in each other. Religion gives us a liscense to make judgements, just like race, most of these judgements manifest themselves as pre-judgements. And prejudice is a very, very ugly thing. Prejudice is a symptom of faithlessness. It is a symptom of fear. After all, if someone wants to have sex before they are married, or steals and then gets arrested...what does that have to do with me especially when if I faith in my own convictions? Nothing. So it's just best to keep it movin and let things run their natural course.

Oh yea and just for kicks....

I think that if I ever do decide to hang a picture of Jesus up in my house, it's going to be a picture of a beautiful black man with a big ass afro wearing rags...similiar to a slave...I should have someone draw that.....lol.

Happy Belated New Year!

2009-01-11T18:11:00.002-05:00

I just want to wish everyone a Happy Belated New Year!

I am back in the Burgh...so if you are around make sure to get at me. I will posting a new entry sometime this week but no later than the weekend. I've been busy, busy, busy so....Stay Tuned!

GO RAVENS!!!

Try the Excersice: The Perspectives

2008-12-22T12:21:00.002-05:00

Below I have grouped a couple of quotes. Each indicating a different perspective or outlook on life. I'll go into further detail later but at the moment I am at work (bored as shit no doubt). See which group of quotes attract you the most. There is a method to my madness which I will explain at a later date.

Group 1

"Hope, like faith, is nothing if it is not courageous; it is nothing if it is not ridiculous."

"I know that every good and excellent thing in the world stands moment by moment on the razor-edge of danger and must be fought for..."

When asked why she never married, Gloria Steinem replied, "I don't mate well in captivity."

Group 2

"Carry the battle to them. Don't let them bring it to you. Put them on the defensive. And don't ever apologize for anything."

"A minute's success pays the failure of years."

Group 3

"I do not know whether we can be saved through the intellect, but I do know that I can be saved by nothing else."

Group 4

"We do not need more knowledge, we need more character."

"I love people. I love my family, my children . . . but inside myself is a place where I live all alone and that's where you renew your springs that never dry up."

"There is only one happiness in life: to love and be loved."

Group 5

"Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself."

"People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in the world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and if they can't find them, make them."

"I love luxury ... not in richness and ornateness but in the absence of vulgarity ... the ugliest word in our language."

Group 6

"The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything."

"Some people bear three kinds of trouble - the ones they've had, the ones they have, and the ones they expect to have."

"No passion in the world is equal to the passion to alter someone else's draft."

Group 7

"The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the
ability to function."

"Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter what fork you use."

Group 8

"I do not seek. I find."

"You know what charm is: a way of getting the answer yes
without having asked any clear question."

"There is no fate that cannot be surmounted by scorn."

Group 9

"When in doubt, tell the truth."

"There comes a time in every rightly constructed boy's life that he has a raging desire to go somewhere and dig for hidden treasure."

"Why not seize the pleasure at once?"

Group 10

"Only the fool hopes to repeat an experience; the wise man knows that every experience is to be viewed as a blessing."

"I saw the errors I had made and assumed full responsibility for everything."

Group 11

"To talk well and eloquently is a very great art, but an equally great one is to know the right moment to stop."

"He that will not apply new remedies must expect new evils; for time is the greatest innovator."

Group 12

"I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free."

"I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world."

"The only abnormality is the incapacity to love."

"If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each man's life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility."

Nitty-Gritty 101: Let's Educate Our Community

2008-12-17T15:26:00.006-05:00

Chello everybody. Sorry, I have been away for a short minute. I left the Burgh on the 5th and am now residing in Baltimore for the holidays. However, I'll be leaving for Darien, Connecticut early tomorrow morning and will be gone until Saturday evening. I return to the Burgh probably sometime around Jan 12ish so make sure to get at me.

As with all holidays, there is this notion that many people spend the season feeling lonely. I have addressed this topic once before (I think) so I will not elaborate on it. However, I must say that I am not amongst the lonely bunch but I cannot say that I do not get a little down. For some reason, it is around the holidays, especially Christmas and New Years, that I remember all the people who I've been close to that have gone home to meet the man upstairs.

Two people in particular, my paternal grandmother and a childhood friend, continuously are at the forefront of my mind every holiday. These are the two people who I have always felt held the most genuine concern for me. My grandma is still physically here but she is mentally gone because of Alzheimer's Disease. The majority of my life she has been perfectly healthy and when she got sick, it was not a gradual change...but she was gone overnight. My friend from back in the day, lost his life due to gun violence.

Loss is something that is common amongst many Baltimorians. I do not know not one Baltimorian who has not lost someone due to violence. Every time I return back home to Baltimore, I get so discouraged by what I see. Everyone is just so angry. It seems that many have really forgotten how to love people....primarily because many of us have forgotten how to love ourselves. Despite our facade of invincibility, we are truly a group of unconfident people. I honestly think our facade is what holds us back. We spend so much time trying to tweak our outsides to give off a certain image, that we never allow ourselves to deal with the issues underneath. Because of this, many of us do not grow emotionally and we are nothing but cowardly, unnurtured little girls and boys in our insides.

I can go on and on with these sentiments about loss and the lack of confidence in the black community but my main purpose for writing to day is to educate. We can talk all day about the problems....we can talk all day about how we feel...we can even talk all day about possible solutions...but what I rarely hear anyone talk about is how did this come to be?

Most of the time when we talk about these issues that face Baltimorians and other black communities, we blame our families, we blame our friends, we blame ourselves. We also blame the white man. I have always felt that the white man is the main cause of many of our problems, but I have also felt that we never look deeper than pointing a finger. We know about Martin Luther King, Jr. We know about slavery. But most black people do not understand the depth of how the trends in history play out to our detriment. This is the crux of the problem. And once that is excepted then and only then can we start piecing together a solution.

I'm talking a little broadly so it may be hard for many of you to understand exactly where I am going with this but just hear me out for a second. In previous journal entries, I have practiced the habits that I have listed above when discussing racial issues as it pertains to the black community. But I want to take a more academic approach to really get people's wheels turning.

The world is not divided into just black and white. As a whole, the world is divided between the haves and the have-nots. Black people in America have so much in common with many other groups globally. As Nas stated on his song Be A Nigga:

"I'm a nigga, youse a nigga, we some niggas, wouldn't you like to be a nigga too. To all my kite niggas, chinc niggas, that's right yall my niggas too"

The same habits that we have adopted and the culture by which we live by is something that is experienced by all the have-nots in the world. It is not just a black problem, it is not just an American problem....our problem is a global problem. I have more in common with Shuang Xie than I do with Susy Doright. When we think of places like China for instance, most of us automatically imagine a crowded country of yellow people in glasses and pocket protectors who sit in their homes and study all day. At the same rate, when people in China think of America, they do not think of black people at all. All they see is white America and it never occurs to them that racism here even exist. Just like we are completely unaware of the drastic class discrimination that takes place over there.

The reason why we have these notions that our case here in America is unique is because many of the foreigners that come over are amongst the top tier in their respective countries. The only Asians that they are letting in are the ones wearing pocket protectors. The U.S. government does not give visas to poor people. It is the same with many Africans who rumored to have a hatred toward black Americans. But the reality of it is, that it is these same people who are doing very little for the poor Africans back in their homes.

There is a trend by which an "underclass" is created. The underclass being the oppressed group of people. And there are certain behaviors and reactions that are common amongst underclasses everywhere. To get to the heart of the problem, it is not only about understanding the history for each individual group. Rather, it is more about understanding the general trends that effect all groups as a whole. By taking this perspective, I believe that the our problem becomes more objective and less subjective. Making the problem a little more objective to me, makes finding a solution more manageable.

With that said, I would like to offer a little bit of knowledge for everyone:

Married to Capitalism BY COURTNEY THOMPSON

On an early Monday morning, a black American college student from Baltimore, Maryland cell phone rings. It is her aunt from Wilmington, North Carolina calling with a lucrative business proposition. Her aunt, a former high school and cosmetology school drop-out, has decided to elicit her niece’s skills and talents towards producing a new product based on the fact that her niece has a noteworthy college education. Her niece is one of the few family members that have pursued a college degree. The young, ambitious student takes up the challenge and within a matter of months begins negotiating business contracts with a manufacturer in Guangdong, China and a U.S. investor. As stated by the student:

Even though I am a full-time student with a part-time job and my time is very limited while I pursue my degree, I decided to do this project with my aunt because I know that she is in desperate need of money. She hates her husband and she wants to leave but she is afraid of being poor…especially with two kids to take care of. My decision to work on this project is not entirely humble…I too am willing to attempt this hustle to make some cash.

When asked about what decisions were involved in choosing the manufacturer she stated:

First and foremost, we had to figure out who had the capabilities to engineer the project. Secondly, it was imperative that we chose a company that would mitigate our production cost. It came down to a company in the U.S. and a company in China. China was cheaper.

Lastly, referencing her pursuit for cash and the importance of low production cost she said:

I need the cash because I want stability. They don’t make it easy for Black folk. I want to know how that feels like…to be financially independent and have a better quality of life. Even if I were to get my degree, the amount I would make may not be enough. I have a sister on welfare back home who lives in a one bedroom apartment with my mother who helps take care of my sister’s three kids. They are always asking me for money even though I have tuition to pay and need to supply my own basic needs. There may be a possibility that I may have to get custody of my niece and nephews after graduation. I am single and have no time to pursue a relationship. That’s why I need to be independently financially successful. It is also important that we satisfy our investor. The last thing we would want is for our investor to pull out or take over. The lower the production cost, the more profit we will make to satisfy all parties involved. If it were up to me, I’d go with the U.S. manufacturer so I could see what was going on with my project…but without independence, I have to go overseas.

Little to the student’s knowledge, this is a classic symptom of capitalism. She has insufficient conscientiousness that her plight for independence, financial stability, social justice, and obligation to her family is much like that of the female factory workers in manufacturing plants across Guangdong, China and in many other parts of the world. In addition, she is unaware of how her own plight has a significant impact on the difficulties imposed on those in other parts of the world. It is the classic capitalistic formula that in attempting to reshape economic conditions for some, a substantial group of people must be excluded in order to capitalize on economic gains. In the case of the many have-nots of the world, many have left the culture that they know best to pursue a romantic relationship with transnational capitalism, the male archetype. In their marriage to transnational capitalism they hope to leave their previous home life behind, gain status, and gain financial freedom. They want transnational capitalism to buy them nice things like diamonds and rings. But are they being too idealistic? As many ethnographic accounts have observed, transnational capitalism is a controlling and unjust husband.

In this write-up I explore how changing economic opportunities and constraints within labor markets of contemporary globalization have a significant impact on social dynamics regarding patriarchal controls, independence, familial relationships, and identity through the comparison of Mayans in Guatemala, low-wage workers in Jamaica, and factory workers in China. I explore how there is indeed a general trend regarding globalization and its relationship to these social dynamics. Lastly, I explore the implications of this trend on global generations to come by relating it to conditions in the already developed U.S.

Capitalizing on Economic Opportunity

In assessing the impacts of capitalism on societal relationships, one must first ask “where has the economic change come from?” As seen in the story of the black American college student, the change in global economies begins with transnational businesses’ in developed countries need to mitigate their production costs in order to increase profits and placate eager investors. To mitigate their production costs, these businesses seek cheap labor overseas in less developed countries. In order to attract transnationals in the hopes to industrialize, these less developed nations have lackadaisical labor laws. The leniency of these labor laws as well as the presence of transnationals is the catalyst in creating economic differentiation which in turn, impacts social dynamics. Waves of modernization due to the changes in economics produces inequalities. Thus there is a trend regarding globalization and its relationship to social dynamics.

The shaping and reshaping of relationships within a society first begins with an elite group’s dependency on a part-time, robotic workforce. This workforce is chosen through the exclusion of others based on differences in race, gender, class, and culture. It is the idea of localistic despotism but on a much larger scale where localism is a pseudonym for commonality. Examining the aforementioned case studies, this is more than evident. On the onset of Guatemala’s participation in coffee production for export, state, global, and national elites created an eternal underclass of subservient people, Mayan Indians, as a docile, cheap labor force. The Guatemalan state has and continues to depend on racial ‘Otherness’ as the ideological key to domination of Indians by non-Indians. In the case of low-wage workers in Jamaica, black Africans were brought to the island and initially coerced to endeavor the sugar trade. In China, the division of class was used to determine a person’s social and/or political status. In this case, class membership was not determined merely by socioeconomics. Rather, class level was determined by a family’s economic position under the ancient regime. This detrimentally affected those living in rural areas. Lastly in the case of the black American college student, her plight begins, much like those in Jamaica, in the days during the U.S. tobacco and cotton trades where black Africans participated in coerced labor.

Enfranchisement of the Underclass

The next step in the trend regarding globalization and its relationship to social dynamics is what some describe as the “enfranchisement of the indigenous majority” where the subservient class of people are more fully integrated into the capitalist system and had more rights. In the cases concerning Guatemala, Jamaica, and the U.S., the subservient classes were eventually permitted to sell their labor and participate in government. In China, the need for the support of revolutionary change was the catalyst for land reform. Land reform permitted people in rural areas to work as part-time laborers.

Male Dominated Labor Markets

The members of the subservient classes who were permitted to sell their labor and participate in politics were male. Women were not the major breadwinners in their households and families and were really supported by their fathers or husbands. It was widely accepted that womens' needs should not direct the policies and practices of business management and development specialists. Initially there was mutual dependency and a complementary division of labor between men and women. However, the change in economics destabilized gender relations because the labor market was geared toward men (i.e. heavy labor). Men in turn, were looked at as providers and heads of households which substantially devalued and marginalized the contributions of women.

Discrimination in Politics

Even though the underclass had been enfranchised they were not fully able to assimilate due to non enforced politics, violence, and repression (i.e. literacy test, lack of access to good education, etc.). This in turn further maintained or increased differentiation between different groups of people. For instance, in Jamaica, the U.S. had restored its military and economic superiority by de-nationalizing and privatizing public sectors of the economy in order to increase sales of their exports through a global hierarchy that was class, racial, and gender biased. In Guatemala, a coup precipitated a return to and intensification of exploitation and repression against Mayan Indians who supported social change and prompted the redistribution of land. In China, there was a reintroduction of harsh class policies in response to the desires and demands of the peasantry. In the U.S., black Americas and other non-whites were subjected to Jim Crow laws where the notion of “separate but equal” was very separate and unequal.

Women in the Labor Market

Because of national repression, much of the underclass continued to have a hard time synchronizing with changes in their respective economies and getting ahead. Thus, many family households of the underclass have been left very dependent on the economic contribution of women and youth since men have been increasingly unable to provide. In some instances, conditions were so severe that members of the underclass could not afford to live as well as slaves whose access to food, fuel, and work tools were more adequate. Women are said to be the “social shock absorbers” that mediate a crisis at the local level of their respective households and neighborhoods. There had also been a shift in the labor market where the production needs of transnationals were primarily geared towards “womens' work”. The allowance of women into the workforce was more a response to the organization of the respective labor market than a response to constraints imposed by the state. Womens' work in the context of the case studies is generally defined as unskilled, low-paid labor. In Guatemala, as defined like maiden workers in China, the new labor market emphasized young womens' single status, immaturity, imminent marriage, short-term commitment to factory work, low job aspirations, and low motivation to learn skills. For those who were much older the new labor market emphasized a womens' obligation to her family, dependence, and a tendency to be monetarily unmotivated. In Jamaica, women have become the heads of households and are expected to make a lot of sacrifice for their families in terms of the quality of life. This includes giving up lucrative opportunities to immigrate to a more developed nation. There is a good portion of women in Jamaica who temporarily emigrated overseas to save and/or send money to their families back home. In the U.S. during the twentieth century, the labor market required less heavy labor and there was an increase in office jobs which permitted more women to work.

As far as youth are concerned, many families further released patriarchal controls in the hopes that their sons and daughters would contribute to the financial stability and survival of their families. This is widely practiced in China and Guatemala where many rural young women leave home to work and live in factories. Both the workers and their families are well aware of the exploitative conditions under which they are laboring. Yet the necessity of procuring cash, however little has left many families few other options than to allow their adolescent daughters and sons to work.

Marriage to Transnational Capitalism: Distancing from Home

Once women enter the labor market, it is then that there is a drastic change in the social relationships amongst the underclass. Women and youth are equipped with a greater sense of independence. In Guatemala and in China, young women gained more freedom to associate with men thus gradually relinquishing the tradition of arranged marriages. Furthermore, many of these women had personal goals such as gaining experience, saving for dowries, or financing their educations. Becoming active participants within the labor market also allowed them the capacity to consume items they never would have been able to buy. Clothes in particular, allowed many to further express their identity. There is an important point to made that most of the young women and men did not invest much of the cash into the household economy. However, the dispersal of women and children leaving their homes relieved the household of considerable financial pressure. Because of the distance imposed by international migration, factory work, and/or schooling, many become further and further detached from their families and communities. Hence, they felt less obliged to their economic responsibility regarding their familial relationships. In a way, many youth marry themselves or begin an intimate affair with transnational capitalism where the perks outweigh their metaphoric spouse’s need for control. In Guatemala for instance, while in factory work they transferred their patriarchal notions of obedience and authority, once the prerogatives of their fathers, to the factory managers. In the U.S., much of the underclass work low-income jobs, such as fast-food restaurant cashiers, where they are kept under the watchful eye of strict management. The perks were not limited just to an increase in the ability to consume. Rather, the vision of marriage became less like housewifery but rather of partnership in an endeavor to find more important and meaningful work. Transnationals commit to the relationship of these young women because of the myth of unrestrained availability, the lack of legal strings attached, and the short-term commitment.

Increase in Violence

When women leave their fathers and husbands to be consumed by their new, complex relationship with capitalism, what happens to the men? According to many experts, there becomes a substantial increase in violence. Some of these same young Mayan men who are temporarily employed and do not have a viable future began participating in youth gangs where they find sociality, community, and the bonds of friendship. Through these gangs, young men gain access to power and authority that has been stripped away from them and the only power available to them is both the real and symbolic power of the gun. In Jamaica some resort to the desperate illicit measures such as thievery or dealing drugs like crack cocaine. Local constructions of masculinity are grounded in guns and organized crime. This has greatly effected how men relate to women. Men, jaded by the womens' affair with capitalism, attempt to achieve social balance by using violence to control women but gaining respectability by providing women and children their material needs by living by the gun. Similarly in the U.S., drug trafficking and violence continues to be major problems within black American communities across the nation although the majority of illegal drug use is done by white Americans.

The Identity Crisis

Through the drastic change in social dynamics it is apparent that many members of the underclass may suffer identity crisis. What does the underclass do and how do they relate once they are no longer a member of the underclass? Those in this circumstance are put in a difficult situation of choosing between their individual needs and desires, and their commitments to their family and their community. Many are deemed to have rejected their roots and culture but are expected to continue to support their families financially. They are left with contradictory images and feelings of being proud of where they came from even though they want to be someplace different. Many Jamaicans build a transnational family network that is founded on international migration. International migration is thought of as a traditional survival strategy although some believe that eventually they should come home. In the interview with the black American student she stated:

You experience a sort of culture shock every time you leave home, return home, and then leave home again. The environments that you’re in are so different. I know that it is hard for people at home, but in freeing myself from being a financial burden on them, they are determined to be a financial burden on me. You can only take care of others once you yourself are taken care of. I have taken many breaks from my family even though I feel isolated because there is no one out here in the world to relate to other than them. Who do I identify with? I understand that it takes a lot of endurance, confidence, and money that you don’t have to make it but at the same time, you need to find the right hustle. You can’t keep perpetuating the status-quo. Generations before have fought long and hard so my hustle could be legit. I just don’t understand why everyone has grown content. They are not afraid of dying on the street from drugs, violence, or inadequate health care but they have become so afraid to stand up and take the things that are suppose to be theirs. I understand the need to progress but I also understand the struggle. The average person, whether white or black, does not have the endurance to overcome such obstacles. It takes exceptional and courageous people. And exceptionality is rare throughout all of humankind.

Summary

The general trend regarding globalization and its relationship to the social dynamics regarding patriarchal controls, independence, familial relationships, and identity is straightforward. Generally, the change in social dynamics in the context of globalization begins with a want for economic gain whether it is mitigating production cost or desiring to become more industrialized. Following is the creation of an underclass, achieving rights for the underclass, creation of a male dominated labor market, manifestation of discriminatory politics, permission of women into the labor market, and independence from familial obligations.

After Thoughts

In the case studies regarding the underclass in Guatemala, Jamaica, and China, the book has yet to be written as what is to become of future generations. But observing those such as many black Americans and non-White Americans, there is hope that one day they will be able to reach outside the status-quo and obtain a better quality of life. However, there still remains the question as to whether or not the status-quo of elitism will be maintained. Once members of the existing underclass are able to break free from their social, economic, and political constraints, will they too participate in the devaluing of ‘otherness’? Will a new underclass emerge? Is it possible to have equal justice and opportunity for all or can humanity only perpetuate if there exist both haves and have-nots?

Never Knock A Good Thing

2008-12-03T13:45:00.009-05:00

So a friend of mine that follows my blog (what's up girl)requested that I diversify the topics on my blog. Apparently, my blog has been reduced primarily to topics concerning relationship,career, self-feelings, racial, and gender issues. Even though these tend to be big issues in many people's lives, she mentioned that I am a person who's opinions are so dynamic and forward looking that I should share more of my every day conversations that I have with people on my blog. So I decided to do just that.

I guess the theme that has been running through many of the conversations that I have had recently is "Never Knock A Good Thing". It seems that many people have so many strong convictions in the world that they attempt to protect those opinions by harshly closing themselves to the opinions of others. I am a person who believes that people should have the strength of their convictions but I also believe in being open-minded and innovative. I also believe in sound common sense and not making a big deal over spilled milk.

To elaborate and to offer further clarification as to where I am headed with this discussion, I'll give a couple examples of some conversations that I felt that people were a little ridiculous.

Case in Point 1: Them Mother Africa People

I was at a business function not to long ago that was held at a bar. I ran into these two black men, some OGs, who were acting ridiculous. By ridiculous I mean they were basically accusing every black women that they talked to in the bar as being a prostitute. I initially thought that they were joking around and fucking with people, but I soon discovered that they were dead serious. I just shook my head at them, walked by, and said "Yall need Jesus. Imma pray for yall.". One of the guys response was "Don't say you are going to pray for me. Jesus is somebody that the white man made up. You should not go around worshipping false prophets my sista. Educate yourself before you go around with loose lips".

My response: "Whether or not Jesus is real or imaginary is besides the point. At least he stops people from killing people. You up here accusing your quote-unquote ebony goddesses of being prostitutes. How educated does that make you? Why you tryna take away the people's peace and happiness? Just let them believe so they won't kill each other. Shut-up and stop knocking down good things."

I mean personally, I am pretty universal about religion. I think the use of prophets is mainly to speak to a certain group of people because of differences in culture. Overall, the majority of major religions hold the same basic rules. The only difference between most major religions are usually cultural. Statistically, the most religiously fanatical countries tend to be the most volatile which contradicts the purpose of religion in the first place. But these religiously fanatical countries are also those that tend to be fanatical about everything...culture, politics, etc. In essence, the majority of us are basically serving the same god and overall believe in a set of basic commandments. The primary differences in religion usually center around gender roles, traditions including marriage and holidays, clothing, and food. To me, all that stuff I put in the "spilled milk" category. They are things that take away religious purpose. Who cares about which prophet is most favored by the man upstairs? Who cares whether or not cows are sacred or whether eating dolphins is immoral? Just don't kill people. Seems simple enough to me. Of course my beliefs are a bit more elaborate than this brief explanation. I'll elaborate more about it in a later entry. Right now, I am just trying to warm-up a little bit in adding a different take on my blog.

Case in Point 2: Coalition Against the Pseudosciences

My roommates in and I were watching an episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta a couple weeks back. In the episode, Kim took all the housewives to a palm and tarot reader. With the exception of Kim, of course the other housewives were very skeptical regarding their excursion. The only other person besides Kim who decided to participate as opposed to watching was Kim's friend NeNe. The palm reader made a prediction that in a later episode happened to come true. After watching the later episode, me and my roommates began a discussion about how much of this was manufactured by TV producers since it is a supposed reality show, was all that pseudo crap actually accurate, and if it is accurate how the hell do you explain it?

Of course since I am always an extremist about being open-minded to new modes of thinking, I took the opinion that people should not really care about those questions. The most important question is whether or not if the intentions behind the belief are good or bad? Whatever people believe about the pseudosciences, one thing that I think most people can agree on is that it is a tool with the intent to help people. So once again I ask why knock a good thing? I know some police forces use psychics to help them find people.

I personally do not believe in palmistry and I do not fully trust the validity of tarot cards because as far as I know (and I could be wrong) it is all 100% based on spiritualism. There is no concrete science behind it. It is one of those things that I really have to see for myself in order to believe. However, I am very heavy into astrology. Astrology is a lot more scientific and technical than most people realize. It is a lot deeper than just the generalizations in the horoscopes found in the Cosmopolitan Magazine. I find that people have storng opinions on things that they know nothing about...and astrology happens to be one of them. I also do believe that some people in this world are psychics and it is not manufactured. I reconcile it by saying that they are people who have strong intuition.

Case in Point 3: Gay Haters

I decided to mention this given the recent unbanning and then rebanning of gay marriages in California. I must say that I am a strong advocate against girly men...regardless if they are gay or straight. So if you are a macho gay guy, then you are alright with me and if you are a girly straight man, I'm going to have an issue. I just like boys who are boys. What anybody does in the bed room is not my business. However, I must say that I do believe same sex relations is to me morally wrong. But so is a lot of other things that people do...including myself. There is not one perfect person in this world. To all those religious fanatics out there who want to protect the "traditional definition of marriage", I want you to ask yourself one question: Were you free from sin when you got married? The answer for everyone is NO. The ban on gay marriage is 100% discriminatory. It is discriminatory because the values behind the ban are inconsistant with the values toward laws for other people. For instance, there is no ban against serial killers getting married. There is no ban against fornicators from getting married. To have a indiscriminate ban against gay marriage means you must have bans on everyone in the world who is imperfect. It's not possible.

Futhermore, marriage is a celebration of love between two people. So again I ask: why knock a good thing?

Happy 1st Birthday Shaun!!!!

Delaying the Real World

2008-12-02T14:29:00.010-05:00

I am not sure if I mentioned this in an earlier entry or not but since it holds relevance to my life for the time being, I think it will be appropriate for me to highlight it once again.

Last winter, after I returned to school after breaking for a year, an old collegue of mine hit me up to say hi because she was in town to do recruiting for UBS from our school. When we met up for dinner, she had mentioned to me that she was very unhappy working at UBS even though she had a more than decent paycheck. She discussed with me just how unfulfilled she had become especially after working her ass off in school (homegirl graduated with a 4.0 from a top 25 school...go head gangster! lol). She was so unfulfilled that she was wavering between whether or not she should make a drastic career change or stay where she was.

Anyone who knows me should know that I am a strong advocate for "doing you" and pursuing the peace and happiness and whatever that means to you. So I told her that if she was not happy then she should save up some money, quit her job, and dive right into whatever her heart desires as long as it did not impede on anyone else.

Around that time, I also accidently ran across this book called Delaying the Real World by Colleen Kinder. It is a real life account of the author's, a Yale graduate, life after graduating. As the description from the book website states:

"Congratulations—you’ve finished school. But if you’re not sure you’re ready to settle down into an office environment, Delaying the Real World is chock-full of creative ideas and practical information that will help you craft your own life-changing adventure:

In this one-of-a-kind guide, Colleen Kinder scouts out experiences that will not only satisfy your free spirit but also pay the bills, make the world a better place, and maybe even catapult you into a future career.

Including stories from young adventurers and detailed information on making these dreams a reality, Delaying the Real World is a road map for the new graduate, inspiring and directing you toward making your twenties the most rewarding (and adventurous) decade of your life."

I ended up buying the book off of Amazon and sending to my friend as a gift. She told me that the book was very useful. Shortly thereafter, she quit her big paying Fortune 500 job, moved to New York City, and began doing teaching research since she always had an interest in counseling (I think that is what she said she was doing now). I have posted the link to the website below:

Delaying the Real World Website

Sooooo, how is this relevant to my current situation? Well I am finally about to graduate from school. I have definitely overstayed my welcome and now it is time for me to start making some decisions. Unfortunately, after interning at Harrah's in Vegas for the summer, I realized that I want to steer my career down another course.

As I think I mentioned in other entries, even though I did very very well at Harrah's and even though I would have good pay and benefits, I quickly learned that being a well oiled piece to the corporate robot is just not for me. It is very unfulfilling and there is definitely more to life.

With that said, I have been working with my career advisor to help me find some direction. I definitely have a plan of action. However, I am generally a very unsettled person and am not quite ready to settle into the 9-5 routine. I definitely not a shirker of responsibility. If that was the case, I would not be about to graduate from Carnegie Mellon. The reason for me being so driven is so that I can afford the life of being free-spirited and adventurous. The reality of it is, that even if I have a big paycheck...I would then be fighting against time. If I want to create the life that I ideally want for myself, I am going to have to take some risks and get off the straight and narrow.

I am currently making plans to go to Ghana for the summer. I initially was going to go to Italy since I am currently learning Italian but, I think a summer trip to Ghana may prove more rewarding. An old aquaintance of mine had went to Ghana and said that he had a really, really good time. He highly reccommended the trip. I still may go to Italy for the summer. It all depends on money. More than likely, Ghana will be a cheaper trip but there is more funding available for Italy. We shall see.

But I have decided that I will delay the real world and live the free-spirited and adventurous life that I have always dreamnt about. There are alot of opportunities out there to travel and see new things and I plan to take advantage of as many as I can.

One of the problems that I face is the personal doubt that I have of myself. But it is so miniscul that it does not really matter. The second problem is that sometimes I waver between satisfying my outward desires versus my inner needs. By delaying the real world in Courtney's way, I may run the risk of giving up personal relationships. Even though there is no doubt that I will inevitably meet new people, I would be living a life surrounded by acquaintances. It would be nice to have a partner in crime. By that, I do not neccessarily mean a significant other. If I do decide to dive right in and really do what I am passionate about (which is traveling), maybe I'll meet my partner in crime on one of my trips.

Well this is the plan for now....but you know me, sudden changes can occur with the drop of a hat.

Ghana in No Reservations

Happy Anniversity: There is Glory in Power

2008-11-29T17:43:00.011-05:00

All those who personally know me, know the significance of that title...and I'll leave it at that.

I hope everyone enjoyed their Turkey Day Vacay. Mines was not that exciting but it was aight. I was happy to see Jaylen, Jelauni, Aniyah, and Tristan (aka Shaun) because they are definitely the loves of my life right now.

N e ways, with the start of the holiday season I wanted to touch base on a couple of very important issues that came up over the holidays with a few people that I know. Even though the holidays is spent with family and close friends, for some, the holidays are the most loneliest times of the year. It's something that everyone hears time and time again but no one has really asked or explored the question as to why? I'm a person who has never felt comfortable sitting with a problem so you have to know the WHY for any given situation in order to find a solution.

Even though this problem does not necessarily pertain to me, I know that holiday isolation is something that effects a vast majority of people.

I always experience a bit of a culture shock when I come home...only because my life in Baltimore is so incredibly different from my life in Pittsburgh and I always find that I have to readjust. Every time I come home, it feels that I am flooded and hounded with people's issues. It does not necessarily bother me because I know how it feels when life really starts kicking you in the ass. But at the same time, I do not want to drag my life backwards. I have become so forward looking that being around others who are still trying to get a handle of life makes me feel like I am being dragged back into the past.

I find that holiday loneliest has a lot to do with the forward lookers vs. the historians...it is about the optimist vs. the pessimist. I think that culturally, blacks especially those in Bmore, are taught to be invincible. But our habit of invincibility is misdirected. We are so afraid of looking weak that we habitually make excuses for ourselves instead of taking control of our life and making the changes we need to make.

For instance, in a discussion with a relative, we discussed about not having a significant other around the holidays. I took the position that I am just as happy around the holidays sharing my life with someone else as I am being alone. She took the position that she is learning how to practice cooking and cleaning house so she can be more attractive to a man so she will no longer have to spend the holidays alone. I think to be more attractive to man she needed to learn to stop smoking and being so promiscuous. She agreed but at the same time started psychoanalyzing why she has a hard time stopping smoking and how much she needs sex for stress relief. And in many conversations that I have had with friends and family, sex, drugs, and "rock-n-roll" tend to be ways that my people use as coping mechanisms.

My question to them: WHY DON'T THEY JUST CRY? or even better...why don't they just scream to the top of their lungs? I myself am not a cryer but at the same time, I have learned to be able to sit and be comfortable with my feelings be it good or bad. I was not able to reach that point until I was really able to let my pride go. My sense of self and my emotions are heavily aligned. I find it interesting that people find crying and just taking a day to whil the fuck out, as being out of control...but in reality, those are considered healthy coping mechanisms and sex, drugs, and manipulative jealousies are really what is out of control.

Furthermore, I think that holiday loneliest is a symptom of those who generally feel powerless. In Bmore, everyone is so bent on proving how real they are and how courageous they are when in reality the majority, if not damn near all of them, are so far from real. When it is all said in done, most people are putting on a show for other people. A real person is not afraid to show their flaws. A real person is not afraid to have opinions that go against the majority. A courageous person is not afraid to be vulnerable. A courageous person is not afraid to stand for what is right. We stand up more for the wrong things than the right things...and it has nothing to do with a lack of morale...it is more about maintaing this false sense of power. And because this power is manufactured, it leaves many people to feel isolated.

I am learning that life is filled with many powerless individuals. I am not saying this arrogantly. Rather, I am saying this because it is sad and I wish that it was different.

Maltilda

"I am glad you feel so powerful. Many people don't feel powerful at all" - Miss. Honey

I used this movie because in it the girl was very different and everything positive about her was thought to be negative. But despite it all, she was a very powerful girl. Unfortunately, for those who know the movie, the Wormwoods and Miss. Trenchbal are much like many Baltimorans today.

Turkey Day!

2008-11-25T16:43:00.002-05:00

I'll be in Baltimore for Turkey Day! I leave the Burgh this evening and will be in Baltimore tonight until Sunday, November 30th. Show me some luv and get at me.

For some reason, I have a bad feeling about this trip to Bmore...However, I am prepared to face the haters, imitators, and perpetrators. There has not been any real drama as of lately but I just have a feeling that their is a snake in my midst who may be exposed soon.

I'll keep you posted on the happenings of my Turkey Vacay.

Holla!

Ebony vs. Ivory

2008-11-23T11:54:00.002-05:00

Stevie Wonder and Paul McCartney "Ebony and Ivory"

LOL! This is probably the gayest video that I could have found regarding today's topic but hey...what can I say? it fits...not to mention it's funny as shit...

As of yesterday, my roommate and I are not really on speaking terms. As I've already mentioned, I have three roommates total and I share a bedroom with one of them in our apartment. Two of us are black and are from Bmore, one is Greek, and the other one is a whitebred chic from Darien, CT. The other black chic that is from Bmore I have previously addressed in my entries as Miss. Ruckus and from this point on, I'll address the Darien, CT chic as "The Snowbunny". The Greek chic and Miss. Ruckus share a room together and me and The Snowbunny share a room together.

N e ways, as with most of my previous roommates there is always a time when I or another black person have to clarify racial ambiguities. This is bound to happen whenever people from vastly different backgrounds have to live side by side. I know that before coming to Pittsburgh, I had very little exposure to Asians. So when I got here as a freshman, I was unintentially offending my Asian roommate (who is currently a very good friend of mine). She, likewise, said many things that would be offensive to many black people to me. But despite our ignorances, we were still able to get along because we both knew that lack of exposure to a race does not necessarily equal a person who is prejudice and racist. Both of us are good people who have a general love for all people.

For instance, I have never had a problem or dislike toward Asians but at the same time I did not know that it was offensive to address them as Oriental. I also learned that you have to be careful in the way that you distinguish them. It is highly offensive to confuse a Chinese person with a Japanese person because they have a volitile history with each other. My Asian roommate never had a problem or dislike toward Blacks but at the same time she did not know it was offensive to ask me to teach her how to speak ebonics and dress ghetto. Til this day, we have a good sense of humor about our political incorrectness.

I have had roommates from various different backgrounds and races in the past. However, my first couple of years of college I had my own room in a three bedroom apartment. Therefore, if I ever did live with a racist or someone who was very prejudice, I would not have paid much attention to it. Some roommates I had very little contact with because we really did not have to share the same space. In contrast, the 2008 year is the first year where I am a smaller apartment and have to share a room and common living space. My roommate from last semester was white but I still never had to see her because she was rarely ever around since she was in a sorority. This semester, I have to share a space with The Snowbunny who I am slowly but surely gradually wanting to kill because of the way she approaches race.

Don't get me wrong, The Snowbunny is a very friendly girl. But in my experience with dealing with whites, I have learned that when they are over-friendly it usually means they are scared of you and they want to appease your good side to prevent from getting beat up. Which is exercising a stereotype within itself because black people just do not go around beating people's ass for no reason. Having the strength to stand up for yourself does not mean you are an irrationally angry and violent person.

Initially when I first met The Snowbunny, I knew that she was very culturally unaware. But I would not have gone as far as to brand her as a racist. Unfortunately, the more and more I talked to her, the more I realized that she has a very skewed view of black people. Many of her comments I let slide because even though they were a little off, there were not explicit enough for me to assume anything too deep.

For instance, she once came to me and Miss. Ruckus and asked "Don't you think that everyone is inherently racist?" Miss. Ruckus replied no after looking at her sideways. I told her no and then commented "Black people are not inherently racist. We know that it is not very smart to associate with people who do not like us. After all, we never lynched anyone or put them in slavery unless they owed us money." After this short conversation, of course I was thinking that only someone who considered themselves to be racist would ask that type of question. But because she never explicitly said "I am a racist" it would be wrong for me to assume despite my intuition.

She has made a couple of comments that were of that nature. She asked me about why black men are less inclined to marry which is in fact, statistically correct. I said poor men are less inclined to marry because marriage is an extra burden. How is someone going to provide for a family if they can barely provide for themselves or have not reached their own individual station in life? It just so happens that race and class in America are closely related since the majority of the poor folk are minorities. Her response: "Do you think that some things just might be genetic?". I told her no and then switched the conversation. A part of me did not even want to find out what was going through her head to even ask that question. But once again, she never said "I think that some people act a certain a way because of genetics" so I let it go.

It was not until me and The Snowbunny were sitting down one day watching Top Chef. On the new season, there are two Indian chefs. As we were watching, The Snowbunny kept making negative comments about each of these women. She felt very strongly about how she did not want them to win and how they should be sent home. There didn't seem to be any real reason behind it other than the fact they were Indian. So I came staight out and asked her "So I take it you don't like Indians." Her response: "Yea but I think it's because of all the things that I have heard my dad say about them.". With that comment, it is no doubt that she is at least racists toward Indians. And even if she is not racist toward Blacks, I do not like racist people in general...regardless who they are hating. Even still, I let it roll off my back.

The icing on the cake for me was when she started asking me questions about people who sell drugs. I explained to her that most people who sell drugs have started out very poor and are not exposed to good education systems or family situations that would allow them to better their lives. Some people have to drop out of school to hustle because they need rent money, need to eat, and/or support a family. Her response: "I don't understand that logic. Why don't they all just go live in homeless shelters?" And she said it sarcastically and was very adament about how all poor people should be content with being homeless. Not to mention the fact that homeless shelters can't even take care of the homeless that are out their right now. I was so offended that I nearly wanted to choke the shit out of her. I mean really, she might as well of said "Let's put them all in concentration camps".

With that, I would like to reinterate...here is proof as to why just because we have a Black President-elect race is still a pertinent issue. Until Blacks get out the ghetto and until whites open their eyes, we will always be fighting the war of Ebony vs. Ivory.

GIRLFRIEND SWAP

2008-11-17T17:56:00.016-05:00

Two of my favorite shows on the telly right now is Wife Swap and Trading Spouses (aside from my daily dose of Comedy Central). I've always been a person who has had an active interest in the differences between people and different ways of life. It's why I have found shows like these so interesting. Of course the purpose of this entry is not to ramble on and on about the shows but the premise of each one is that two families switch moms. Each mom rights a rule book about how their family is run. For the first week they live the rules of the house that they were placed and during the second week, each mom can impose their own rules. The producers of the shows almost always place each mom with a family that is completely opposite from their own. Needless to say, there is always a lot of contention. But at the end of the day, everyone usually takes something away from the other.

Watching this show made me start thinking what happens if they made a show called Girlfriend Swap. When I think about me and all my homegirls and I see how we are in our relationships, I realize just how judgemental we all can be regarding not just our lifestyles but our relationships. There are some of us who avidly hold the belief in having sex after marriage, some of us who believe in test driving the car before we buy it, some of us who believe in self-expression through sexual liberation, and some of us who just believe in having sex. Whatever you believe, what matters most is doing you. What matters second is that you understand and learn from others differences and understand the values that underlie their views.

It is easy when you are among friends since birds of a feather tend to flock together. But as you get older, the differences between you and your immediate circle can be drastic. For the sake of this entry, I'm not going to use my homegirls as examples. Instead, I want to talk about me and my roommates.

Of course, when you move away from home for whatever reason, finding your "type" of people is probably the most challenging thing. It's always fun to immerse yourself in a new place but at the same time, it is also a trying test in your belief system. This year in particular, me and my three roommates are so far from different it's amazing. However, we still manage not to kill each other. I guess the one common thing that we do have in common is that we are all pretty tolerant (with the exception of one of us).

As far as our relationships with men are concerned, our views are actually on four different planets. Two of the people in our house I jokingly consider to be asexual. Neither one of them has any dating experience or has been in a serious relationship. Their experience with men has been pretty close to nil. One of them is a virgin and the other believes in occasional sex with no strings attached. The remaining two (which includes myself) are habitual daters. I'm semi-retired from dating and am becoming more relationship oriented and she is a lot more date active.

The reason why I've brought up this topic is because me and my fellow habitual dating roommate occasionally but heads in terms of how we approach our relationships. By constantly butting heads with her in this area of life, it made me wonder exactly what is my relationship type? What type of relationship would I personally like to build? I like practical relationships and she is more of a sappy romantic (ewww...yuck!).

I like relationships where there is not a lot of talking. I like quiet, but intense romances where love is expressed physically and not verbally. When I say physically, I do not necessarily mean sexually (although that is definitely part of it). I mean I put more emphasis on touch in general and not words. Small little rubs on the back or on the leg is good enough for me. I'm not one who cares much about anniversaries or remembering birthdays. To me, I put more emphasis on someone who understands the difference between what I NEED and what I WANT. Shinny things like diamond rings are great from time to time, but it is not what makes a relationship a relationship. Holidays and anniversaries are nice but if you know that both of you care about each other, who needs proof? I have dated many guys who talk a good romantic game, I have dated guys who perform many romantic displays of affection....but many of those guys do not understand the true value of a partnership. I do not believe in being in love with love. I like guys who are only touchy feeling when it is just you and him...but when there is people around, he is doing him and you are doing you. I believe a relationship should be balanced where each person is equally masculine and feminine.

When it comes to the GIRLFRIEND SWAP, it is interesting just how detailed the differences are from what people expect from relationships. I think that until you actually find your life partner and start a family, most people do not even pay attention to their own personal details of what they themselves value and expect from a relationship. For instance, I have learned that I need someone who is health conscience. I never consciously thought this was important and never actively sought people who were like that but, I find that when I meet guys who are not very health conscience I get put off as if I have a bad taste in my mouth. One of the last guys that I dated got excited that a Papa John's was being built across the street from his house. He was dead serious about how he was going to eat there all the time. He was also a guy that every time I talked to him, he was chowing down on a sub. He was not fat and he had a nice body, but the only thing that I could think of was "if this mother fucker keeps eating the way he does and I continue to talk to him, I'll eventually be stuck with a fat person...yuck". I also think that guys who take care of their bodies have a sense a pride in themselves. I like men who like working out...and I like watching guys work out ;-).

I expect nothing but a lot of laughter in my relationships. I may be pratical but I am not pretentious. I am a comedy central junky so a person who can be jokingly politically incorrect is definitely my flavor. I like people who like to fuck with other people. Anal retentive people, type A personalities, and people who are consistently indifferent about everything need not apply. I like guys who are witty, sarcastic, and aside from their jobs and family, they do not take themselves seriously.

I like guys who like getting their hands dirty. For instance, when I was in Vegas, I wanted to get one of those go-cart thing thingys and ride around over the sand dunes in the desert. Those things look like fun! I could not do it while I was in Vegas because the season had ended. They will not let you do it if there is a code red outside. I want to do all the crazy foolishness like hang-gliding, white water rafting (I've done this), cliff diving, and scuba diving (bungie jumping however is out of the question). I do not like guys who are squemish about things like tattoos and bikes. I think guys like that are boring and bitchy (not unless they have some religious reason behind it). I like a guy who would play a game of 1-on-1 basketball with me and won't just let me win. Basically, I like boys who are boys...who like rollin in mud, playing video games, and are passionate about sports.

I absolutely HATE men who beat around the bush. It's impractical. You can get more things done and clear up more confusion by being direct. I do not like flowery language when guys talk to me. I like them to give it to me straight....good or bad.

As far as education is concerned, I want someone who has a good and steady job and that I can carry a good intellectual conversation with. I need someone who is financially stable and ambitious. Whatever legal means that they choose to meat those ends, is up to them. I do not necessarily need someone with a 4.0 degree from Harvard.

As far as sex is concerned, I like to test drive the car before I buy it. But, I still do my research before I visit the dealership. I do not like male whores...at the same time I do not like picky guys either (they tend to be really shallow and are critical about the way a gal dresses and acts). I like a guy who has so many other interests and things going on for him that he does not have time to concentrate on where his next orgasm is going to come from. At the same time, I like a guy who is accepting of his woman...flaws and all. I do need someone who is sexually open and experimental. Sexual prudes should keep it movin. I have a strong belief in sexual experimentation.

As far as religion is concerned, I know where I am at spiritually. However, I do not really know what I expect from a guy in this department. I do need him to at least believe in God. I do not think I could ever be with anyone who is agnostic or an atheist.

To contrast, and do a written GIRLFRIEND SWAP, I'll illustrate the relationship expectations of my adorable, lovable roomie. She is the type who requires a lot of romantic attention and physical expression tends to take a back seat. She likes guys who she can talk about politics, family, etc... . She is a stickler for traditionalism. A guy should call her and take her out on her birthday. She likes a lot of attention when her and her man are out in public. She expects constant acknowledgement. She too values health conscienciousness but for different reasons. I do not necessarily think she expects this from a guy but I believe she expects it from herself. She is very image conscience and believes that she must put make up on and stay super thin in order to please the guy she is with. From my own personal observation, I think she believes that both people in the relationship should have stereotypical feminine qualities. She is very turned off by guys who are too real, opinionated, or macho.

She is very pretentious. Although she likes to joke around and laugh, humor is only good as long as she remains the center of attention. She is not one who likes a guy to put on a show for her. Rather, she'd rather put on a show for the guy and receive a lot of praise. She likes guys who are very technical in speech. Talking out your ass just for fun is out of the question. It's not proper behavior. She likes to be spoiled and wants a guy who allows her to be bratty and needy.

She hates guys who get their hands dirty. She likes artistic-preppy type guys who like going out to plays, enjoy singing, and play tennis. She hates tattoos.

As far as education is concerned, she wants a top college graduate. She decided that she did not like dating this one guy because he was in Carnegie Mellon's graduate school. She said that Carnegie Mellon is a school you go to for undergrad but Harvard or Yale is where smart people go for graduate school. She believes guys who do not go to any of the top schools for undergrad are simply not smart.

As far as sex is concerned, she likes to test drive a car before she buys it and she makes sure she does her research before visiting the car dealership. However, she does have an oral fixation. lol. She is somewhat conservative about sex and is not much in touch with her sexuality. I'm not sure what her expectations are from a guy concerning sex but I'm assuming she doesn't either since she really is out of touch with her own sexuality.

As far as religion is concerned, she likes guys who are Jewish even though she is not Jewish. However, she is open to convert.

Are Men the New Women?

2008-11-17T17:12:00.002-05:00

Listening to the Ciara's and Beyonce's of our time, it is evident that women are definitely the new men. In this day and age of women wavering between asking themselves "If I Was Boy" and actually being "Like A Boy", it's no wonder why I tend to have issues with feminity. LOL. As a believer in balance, I am all for the yin and yang. Therefore, I cannot help but wonder if women are the new men, then does that mean men are the new women? Maybe it's neither. Maybe everyone is becoming more and more balanced and on some level, we are slowly but surely becoming more eye to eye.

In a discussion that I had with a homeboy the other day, I picked his brain about how aggressive is too aggressive when it comes to a woman approaching him? I asked a couple of guys this question. The reason why I asked this particular question was because I am an impatient person. I hate sitting around waiting for guys to make moves...if you want something done, why not do it yourself? I am a lady who has a lot of balls and I don't mind approaching a guy and asking him out on a date. Honestly, it is what feels natural to me. However, it's hard to sense exactly how guys will take it.

Not suprisingly, the consensus with most guys is that they like sexually aggressive gals but they did not know exactly how they would take being asked out. So I proposed the question if instead of being asked out to a date such as being taken to dinner how they would feel if a gal made the first move and asked them if they could cook them dinner. Of course, they were all down for it. I guess some cliches never fail "the fastest way to a man's heart is through his stomach".

After proposing this idea, the guys I talked to started to open up a bit as to how they view dating. Guys without a doubt love being guys....but at the same time, they do appreciate being spoiled. I want to clarify being spoiled....I think as women, we unfortunately have been trained to think that spoiling a man means selling sex. Men are not superhumans nor are they ruthless sexual animals. Basically, the things that women want from men is not that far different from the things that men want from women.

So I guess the moral of the story is, who cares about gender roles. If you see something you want, just go after it. Dating games are for sissies. It's not about coming up with the smoothest lines (guys) or being coy and playing hard to get (gals)...if you like someone, it's simple...just like them.

Happy Birthday To Me!

2008-11-12T18:45:00.005-05:00

~23 Years and Still Ridin' ~

I'm celebrating the 2nd anniversity of my 21st birthday. Woohoo!
(yes I know I'm simple)

My President Is Black! 2009-2012

2008-11-05T13:31:00.012-05:00

Last night was a great day for America and the world as a whole. Barack Obama is the president elect and is officially the first African American president of the United States.

During the election, the subject of race had been the elephant in the room. As Americans across the country anxiously followed the election, the media tried there best to dance around this issue. The tap dance around the presidential race issue was definitely justifiable. After all, if Republican Colonel Powell had of ran for president before President Barack Obama, I highly doubt many African Americans would have voted for him (I doubt that I would have). The choice of Barack Obama as president has greater implications than just race. President Barack Obama stands for more than just Black. He stands for American Values.

America has prided itself for democracy and equal opportunity for all people. Children across the U.S. have heard time and time again throughout their lives that "you can be whoever you want to be, even President". But this saying has always held a sense of false hope considering that the first 43 American presidents have been white men. In this day in age when American values, democracy, and capitalism have been under scrutiny on a global scale, the election of President Barack Obama has given more Americans, regardless of race, more faith in the constitution on which America is built.

Even though there was an increase in African American voters for the 2008 election, we must not overlook the fact that we could not have elected President Barack Obama on our own. President Brack Obama is not just a black man...he is a qualified black man. Hence, he won over people from all races, walks of life, and crossed party lines. After viewing a television special a couple of weeks ago regarding the oppression of blacks back in the day, I realized that a good majority of whites have been looking forward to this day just as much as blacks have. In the special, a white man talked about Jim Crow and his take on lynching black people. He spoke about how during that time he knew that the actions of many whites were wrong, but, he along with many others of his race, never spoke out out of fear for their own lives. I realized that on some level, all races have experienced a general disappointment in the U.S.'s historic refusal to be constitutional toward certain groups across the nation. It has given me a stronger feeling of connectedness as an American and not just as an African American.

In addition, President Barack Obama represnts Real People. I believe that he is the only president who graduated from college with debt. His story is similiar to my own story. His story is similiar to the average American. The election of a qualified real person into office does not just give hope to African Americans and minorities but it gives hope to women, lower-income individuals, the disabled, gays, and anyone else who must overcome oppresive challenges. We can finally say with a straight face "You can be whoever you want to be, even President".

Even though this is a halmark in American history, I challenge everyone not to get too comfortable. In today's article by Adam Nagourney of The New York Times, he states "Barack Hussein Obama was elected the 44th president...sweeping away the last racial barrier in american politics...". Let us not forget that just because a black man has been elected president that there are no longer hurdles to climb. There is still much work to do. President Barack Obama was elected as the CEO of the U.S. but it was not an easy battle to win. The next step is to try to eliminate these hurdles. Considering President Barack Obama will have his hands tied with war and the economy, we as citizens must still work for positive change.

I would like to take this time to highlight the best momments from last night:

1. Jesse Jackson's stoic demeanor with tears running down his face.

2. Oprah Winfrey as a non-celebrity supporting President Barack Obama in her hometown, Chicago (I found it interesting to see how even Oprah couldn't use her celebrity status to get closer to Obama)

3. Undoubtedly, President Obama's victory speech

4. Running in the streets of Pittsburgh with students from UPitt and CMU (we stormed the CMU library and baracaded the streets, it was fun as shit)

(this is not an actual pic of the event but to give you some idea as to how croweded and ridiculous it was)

5. Old African-Americans finally being able to see a black president after slavery, Jim Crow, and lynchings

6. Reaction of all President Barack Obama's supporters after the announcement that he won

7. Other defining moments:

~VOTE~VOTE~VOTE~

2008-11-04T13:46:00.012-05:00

ATTENTION! ATTENTION!

I ask that all my readers go VOTE. Please exercise your rights and let your voice be heard. I have voted for Barack Obama. If you want to see Barack Obama win, I suggest you get to the polls ASAP. Polls close at 8:00pm. The longer you wait, the longer the lines. If you do not want to see Barack Obama win, I suggest you do the same. I'd rather see Obama win when the competition is fierce and about the issues than win because all the minorities and Democrats voted and the Republicans stayed home. I want to be able to say that he won because he is without a doubt the president elect.

If you see any problems or hear of any hoaxes regarding the polls, do not hesitate to contact an administrator.

I will not be watching the polls throughout the day because its going to be too nerve wrecking. I'm not turning on the radio, TV, or talking to anyone until the polls in California close. So, for all my personal friends reading this, please do not be mad if I do not answer my phone before 11pm tonight....I'm going to sleep after work and class to sleep off the anxiety.

Given the historical significance of this election I ask that if Obama does not win, black people, try your best to take it as a loss and move on....If Obama does win, white people (particularly supremist), try your best to take it as a loss and move on....

The important thing is that people remain safe.

My condolences go out to the Obama family in their time of loss. For all those who are a little out of the loop, Barack Obama's grandmother lost her battle with cancer Sunday night. The silver lining of her death is that she submitted her absentee ballot on October 27th and was still able to vote for her grandson.

VOTE~VOTE~VOTE~VOTE~VOTE~VOTE~

Black on Black Crime: The Uncle Ruckus Syndrome

2008-11-03T18:48:00.007-05:00

I was watching The Daily Show a couple weeks back and they satirically brought up the idea of the "Racist Democrat". They brought it up to make fun of people who were considered swing voters. I thought the skit was hilarious. However, I couldn't help but wonder about the idea of the Racist Democrat. When they mentioned it on the Daily Show, they were referring to white democrats that did not favor black people but, I want to explore the idea of the Racist Democrat being blacks who do not favor blacks. When we talk about Black on Black Crime, most of us automatically take the saying as its reference to violence....but, Black on Black Crime transcends physicality. Black on Black Crime manifest itself mentally and psychologically as well. As seen in Aaron McGruder's The Boondocks, these self-hating Blacks are satirized by the character Uncle Ruckus.

Over the past year, I have had this roommate who is also black and from Baltimore (I'll address her as Miss. Ruckus). For some reason, I could never really quite pinpoint exactly why she would get under my skin until yesterday. After being shown the video that I posted in the previous entry by another roommate, Miss. Ruckus watched the interview that CNN had with the kids (posted below). Her response to the interview was "oh, so black kids actually are smart." She said it as if she were surprised that 6th and 7th grade black kids were capable of thinking on their own and expressing their ideas articulately. She further commented "so I guess rap actually does has a purpose."

After these comments were made, it became very apparent that the rift between the two of us lies within the fact that she suffers from the Uncle Ruckus Syndrome. She is a high sididity chic who believes that she is one of the only hard working, smart black people that there is in America and the reason we do not align is because despite how far I have come, I still represent my culture and refuse to forget where I come from.

I told her that she's a racist after she hung up the phone with a guy either from UPS or JCPenny about a package she had not received. When she hung up on the guy which I assume sounded black, she responds "See that's why they need to stop giving colored folks jobs." When I pointed out her racist, self-hating comment, she replied "I'm sorry but he couldn't speak and he didn't know what he was doing". I asked her was it because he was colored or was it simply because he was stupid? I wanted her know there was a difference and that colored does not equal stupid (the fact that she even used the word colored made me grit my teeth a little and look at her sideways).

Miss. Ruckus recently celebrated her birthday. Her mom, stepfather, and brother sent her a gift in the mail that she received today. I was surprised to find out that her brother bought her Eminem's Biography. I thought that maybe her brother must of been just a typical, slow male who is completely unaware of what to give a girl for her birthday but, after a little inquiring, I learned that Miss. Ruckus was heavy into Eminem back in high school. Why is this so interesting? Well about two weeks back, Miss. Ruckus and I had a conversation about rap. I was pro-rap, she was anti-rap. I guess as long as the rapper is white then rap is okay.

I really don't get the deal of the Uncle Ruckus' of the world. Miss. Ruckus must be self-hating considering a friend of hers will not let her be in her wedding because she is black. Miss. Ruckus does not feel that it is a real issue. She is more concerned with being a good friend and is angry at the guy her friend is marrying. I mean really...WAKE UP stupid, self-hating chic!!!!

It seems that Miss. Ruckus lacks the power to stand up for her right to be recognized as an actual human being. Her will is fed through the fact that she is a self-hating supremist. The term self-hating supremist is an oxymoran and the irony behind the notion leaves one to believe that Miss. Ruckus must be fighting internally with herself. She is simultaneously both the criminal and the victim of Black on Black Crime because in putting down other black people, she is ultimately making it harder on herself.

In this world of Black on Black Crime, it's the Freemen vs. the Uncle Ruckus'

Freeman vs. Uncle Ruckus

Ron Clark School in Atlanta

Best of Uncle Ruckus

Kids Are Soooo Adorable!

2008-11-02T21:35:00.002-05:00

Aaawwwww! They are tooo cute!

They can have whatever they like :0)

Fork in the Road: Retrain Ur Brain

2008-10-31T13:21:00.004-04:00

Right now I am facing the most transitional period of my life that I have every faced. I say this because I am a person who has always known what I've wanted and exactly where I am headed despite the many, many obstacles that I have and continue to face. Recently however, it has been very different. I am not nearly the same person that I was even just a year ago. If I were to take a time machine back to December 31st, 2007 and have a run in with me then, I wouldn't even recognize that person. Correction. I am the same person, I just have grown more into myself. Unfortunately, I would think that growing into yourself means that you gain a better vision of what you want and where you want to go but I'm learning that is not the case.

I feel that most people in the world, no matter who they are, their status in life, etc, are programmed from all the institutions that they are born under. This includes our governments, schooling, family, and jobs. It even seeps into the groups that we identify with such as race or gender. I sometimes wonder "If I could create my own world, what would the people look like, what religion would they worship, how would life be set, what values would be accepted, what traditions would be practiced?" After asking myself and a small handful of others this question, I realized that there is a good posibility that most people are living contradictions.

People need to start thinking of themselves as their own society and really truly learn to govern themselves. They need to create their own laws, their own culture (i.e. your personal sense of style), and promote their own set of values. I think as a person I have effectively done this because I am pretty well grounded and I have the strength of my convictions. However, I feel that I am also a victim of what I will from this point call institutionalism.

Even though I have a uniqueness and free-spiritedness of my own, I still am a person who has followed the straight-n-narrow. I have followed the typical path of what society deems as "the norm" and have stuck to the age old rule "you do well in school, you will go far in life". But the reality of it is, college teaches you nothing about life. If anything it hinders it. College promotes innovation but they put caps on how you innovate. College wants you to explore your options but the exploration is very limited.

It is obvious to me that the path that I have chosen is going to put me somewhere I'd rather not be. We are taught to shoot big....but what is "big" anyways? To most people, it is to earn a degree and work for a top company in your field. I must say, that I have had the priviledge to work at a top company and let me tell you, there is nothing big about it. No wonder there is a small group of the American population that embrace the downfall of the corporate robot.

I always thought that given my hard work, the hustle would eventually stop. But the truth is, that if you are a person who is really about something, the hustle will never stop. There will always be something that needs to get done. There is always opportunity to explore. There is always an opportunity for change. You stop hustling, you stop growing....financially, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally.

I have decided that I no longer want to work or care to work for a Fortune 500 company. Most of them are morally bankrupt anyways. It's not what I want to spend my life doing. My calling lies elsewhere. I have so many avenues that I can take but as right now I feel very directionless. I also feel that I have lost my sense of place (I'll expand on this at a later time). I figured that in my search for a job upon graduation, I was not going to accept the so-called biggest and brightest offer. Rather, I'd take a small step, and focus on something as small as location. I feel like I have been programmed to think that money wins...or even career opportunity wins...but, if I was to run my own world, people would value the quality of life over the quality of work. If that is notion that lives within the center of my core, then that is a notion that I need to start living my life by.

Until I can regain my sense of direction, I'll be patiently waiting next to the stop sign in the fork in the road.

Stand by Your Man!

2008-10-20T13:05:00.013-04:00

It's a shame the amount of hate people have in their hearts. I recently ventured to the KKK (Ku Klux Klan) website just to see how ridiculous they are. I was suprised to learn that the main reason why white supremists hate blacks so much is because they themselves feel as if they are a dying race. They feel if blacks succeed, whites will no longer exist. Go figure. Their hatred has little to do with the fact that they actually think we are criminals, uneducated, and the like....they are fearful of their lack to culturally preserve. It's not our fault they have no real culture and that most of what they do is manufactured. It's written straight from the horses mouth....they envy us and are ultimately afraid that whay they have done to us, we will do to them.

Below I have posted two disturbing articles surrounding the racial aspects of the election. Even though the media and voters have danced around the issue over the past year, it is quickly making its way to the forefront of the presidential race in these last couple of weeks....

"He don't belong in political office. Blacks don't belong in political office. He ought to be shot."— Nathan Johnson

The 2008 Barack Obama assassination scare refers to news reports of an alleged plot by Shawn Robert Adolf, Tharin Robert Gartrell and Nathan Dwaine Johnson to assassinate Senator Barack Obama, the 2008 Democratic Party presidential nominee, at the Democratic National Convention in Denver, Colorado. The trio were tied together by officials who alleged they planned to shoot Obama with a high-powered rifle based on their reported white supremacist belief that an African American should not be elected President of the United States. Gartrell was arrested August 24 and found to be in possession of rifles and other weaponry; Adolf and Johnson were arrested shortly thereafter. In a televised interview prior to his arrest, Johnson identified Adolf as the man who allegedly hatched the plot and planned to be the shooter. Although suspected white supremacist associations led federal authorities to investigate possible ties to a larger group, federal authorities downplayed the three would-be shooters as drug addicts who had little chance of actually carrying out the plot. The three men have been charged with drug and weapons charges, but not for threatening a presidential candidate....

Read full article by clicking here

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Barack Obama Targeted by Extremists on the Internet White supremacist anger about Obama's candidacy

Barack Obama, the Democratic Party's nominee for President, has become a target for white supremacists and other extremists on various Websites and Internet forums since he began his campaign. White supremacists, not surprisingly, focus on Obama's African-American background and the threat they feel he poses to America's white population. Some warn people to be ready for an oncoming disaster if Obama is elected. Many suggest that Obama is a good target for an assassination attempt. Some anti-Semitic posts focus on how Jews control Obama and his candidacy. Still others claim that Obama has ties to radical movements or that his former church has carried out murders.

The comments below are from neo-Nazis, white supremacists, and adherents of Christian Identity, a racist, anti-Semitic religion. Some are from well-known haters like former Klan leader David Duke and white supremacists Hal Turner and Tom Metzger while others are from unknown individuals posting to extremist forums and Websites and individual blogs. Most of the commentators use blatantly racist, hateful language to express their views.

Contempt for Obama's run for the presidency figures strongly on white supremacist Internet forums. Posters on those forums rail against Obama and talk of the upheaval that would ensue if he were elected President.One frequent claim is that Obama is allegedly pandering to the will of the Jews and Israel, and, if elected, he will act on behalf of the Jewish "lobby." In an October 2008 post to his Web site, long-time anti-Semite and white supremacist David Duke claimed that "Obama has prostrated himself at the feet of the Jewish Lobby and the extremists who run Israel." In an earlier October post, Duke argued that Obama and McCain "are trying to outdo each other in going against American true interests on behalf of Israel."
Also in October 2008, Bill White, who leads the Virginia-based American National Socialist Worker's Party, a neo-Nazi group, posted an article to his Website that alleged, "If elected to office, Barack Obama plans to work with the Jew communists who support him to commit acts of genocide against the same white working class he seeks to appeal to."

As is often the case, extremists translate the sentiments they express on anti-Semitic Websites and forums into real-world activity. In September 2008, members of the League of American Patriots, a New Jersey-based white supremacist group, placed racist fliers in New Jersey neighborhoods concerning Obama's candidacy. The fliers reportedly questioned, "Do You Want A Black President?" and "Why should we seal our fate by allowing a black ruler to destroy us?" They also stated that "Black Ruled Nations [sic] most unstable and violent in the world" and pictured Obama with a beard and turban. Founded in March 2008, the League of American Patriots espouses a white supremacist, anti-immigrant ideology.

In a September 2008 post to the Vanguard News Network (VNN), a forum popular among white supremacists and anti-Semites, an individual stated his intentions if a race war breaks out after the election: "Bring it on ni--ers! The first twenty I'm gonna skin and stretch out on 'X' stakes like a fence in my front yard (like the 'scarecrows' in the forbidden zone shown in the openning of Planet of the Apes). I got bad voodoo for you monkeyshines."

Hal Turner, a New Jersey-based white supremacist, made a post to his blog in September 2008, suggesting that Obama is a "half-breed" and a "sub-human," who will lead the United States into "failures" similar to those experienced by other "black-run failed states." He stated:

I do not want a half-breed negro prancing around the White House in a loin cloth, smoking crack…I see no reason at all to allow a Communistic negro to occupy the most powerful political office on earth. I see no reason at all to allow a sub-human to do for the United States, what his sub-human pals have done in their countries like Zimbabwe, South Africa and other black-run failed states…Wherever blacks run things, those things are totally corrupt, grossly dysfunctional and ultimately, complete failures.

In a July 2008 post to VNN, an individual named "Sgruber" began a discussion thread by suggesting "Obama" as a "New Word For Ni--er:"

Try it out. "An Obama stole my watch." "A drunk-ass Obama yelled in the street last night." "Three Obamas are walking down the middle of the street." "A bunch of Obamas are torching cars in France." Omit the article when referring to a specific Obama: "Obama beat the hell out of her." "Obama filed a racial harassment lawsuit." Don't stop using the word "ni--er"...or "shine"...or "mooncricket"...etc. But, change it up now and then with the new word for ni--er: "OBAMA" [sic]

In a June 2008 post to Stormfront, another forum popular among white supremacists and anti-Semites, "Eastcoast Warrior" suggests that Obama seeks the destruction of the White race: "Obama is a commie leftist who knows that by banning guns innocent Whites will be at the mercy of illegally armed black thugs. It's part of his agenda to destroy the White race."

In a comment posted in June 2008 on VNN, "Wild_Bill_Hyde" expressed rage that Obama thinks he could get elected President:
Did anyone else catch that arrogant ass this past weekend? So help me - he was actually bobbing up and down just like a rooster and bragging & boasting of how "in 2016 - he'll be wrapping up two terms as President." What an insufferable ego-maniacal blow-hard! Couldn't even win but 6 of the last 15 primaries or match Hillary overall in total votes but in his afro-centric fantasy-world he's already won 2 terms! This past weekend Barack Hussein was really letting his Ni--er Flag FLY! An Obama nation is an abomination.

Hal Turner wrote in March 2008:
After all, do we really want a mixed-race, mongrel negro, half-breed in the most powerful political office on the planet? I can see it now, Barak [sic] Obama doing for America what Robert Mugabe did for Zimbabwe. . .or what Nelson Mandella [sic] did for South Africa. . . skyrocketing crime, disease and a collapsed economy. No thanks.

On another thread on the VNN forum entitled "Obama will form an all black police force and will round you all up and water board u," an individual named "brain" wrote in June 2008, "You know it's coming. If you're not scared then you're stupid. As soon as they can do it, they will. They are chomping at the bit. They have real military training, they can buy real law enforcement weapons, you can't. run, run, hide. you are the rabbit, quit sticking your chest out."

Continuing with this theme, in a June 2008 article entitled "A Black Flag for White America," David Duke wrote, "In auto racing, a black flag is the signal used for the car to go to the pits. Barack Obama winning the Democrat Nomination is a black flag for America, a sign of where we as a people and nation are heading…to the pits."

Many of the individuals posting on extremist forums imply or state directly that Obama will not survive his run for the presidency. Also in these posts, extremists angry over the Obama campaign threaten violence against the black community.

Neo-Nazi Bill White entitled the September 2008 issue of his magazine "Kill this Ni—ger?" The cover of the magazine features a picture of Barack Obama pictured through a rifle scope with a swastika surrounding it.

Also in September, an individual calling himself "MrWidowmaker" posted a message to Stormfront, predicting that if Obama is elected, the black community will riot, and Obama will be assassinated by "one of the true patriots of our country." He wrote, "I think the nigs will riot. But I also think that if Obongo is elected he'll be taken out by one of the true patriots in our country. So the nigs will riot at such time anyways. So either way prepare yourselves."

In July 2008, an individual posting to VNN wrote about a speech by Obama, which a CNN article described as addressing "the burning anger among the nation's poor African-Americans." The VNN poster commented, "Bring it on Obamas. I have rope, trees, shotgun, carbine, .380 and plenty of shells to go around Come for the TNB [typical ni--er behavior], stay for the decomposition."

In June 2008, Tyrranicide, a racist blog, began to allude openly to the assassination of Obama as in evident in this section of a longer post:

I'd give almost even money: when somebody finally parts Hussein's nappy hair with a bullet, if it isn't someone hired by Hillary, it will be some wasted street coon from a D.C. gang or some other "disillusioned Affikin-Amurkin" who has finally realized that Brother Barry has sold de cullud folks down the river.

On a thread titled "Obama Assassination: Where Will You be?" posted to the VNN forum in June 2008, "yankee jane" focused not just on an assassination attempt on Obama but his wife, as well, and made insidious allusions to the assassination of Abraham Lincoln:

Maybe his wife will even get hit with a bullet ... this is good. Maybe the more they talk about the Obongo assassination, the juicier a target he could become for a sniper looking to put a historical notch on his belt ... we can only hope he won't wait until the elections! Who doesn't know John Wilkes Booth? Its [sic] a REAL opportunity for the right person!

That same month, another poster to VNN, named "matthew," wrote, "f--- that dirty banana eating ni--er! he'll get my guns over my dead body! if ever there was a reason to hate this ni--er, this is it. ill [sic] be glad when he's pushing up daisy's [sic]." On Stormfront, an individual wrote also in June, "That's ALL we need .. [sic] another dead negro day...That's the day all the white people show up and get to work without coons to slow things down..."

For full article click here

The Truth About Why Men Cheat

2008-10-20T12:52:00.003-04:00

I found this article interesting and decided to share.....

Dating 101: The Truth About Why Men Cheat

Counselor M. Gary Neuman surveyed 200 cheating and noncheating husbands to get at the real reasons behind men's infidelity.

What makes men cheat? Marriage counselor M. Gary Neuman dug through past research on male infidelity and found that most answers came from the wife's point of view. "Wouldn't it make more sense to ask the guys?" he thought. So for his new book, "The Truth About Cheating," Neuman surveyed 200 cheating and noncheating husbands to get at the real reasons behind men's infidelity -- including what cheating men say could have prevented them from straying. Here, some of his findings:

48% of men rated emotional dissatisfaction as the primary reason they cheated.
So much for the myth that for men, cheating is all about physical intimacy: Only 8 percent of men said that physical dissatisfaction was the main factor in their infidelity. "Our culture tells us that all men need to be happy is to have physical intimacy with someone," Neuman says. "But men are emotionally driven beings too. They want their wives to show them that they're appreciated, and they want women to understand how hard they're trying to get things right." The problem is that men are less likely than women to express these feelings, so you won't always know when your guy is in need of a little affirmation. "Most men consider it unmanly to ask for a pat on the back, which is why their emotional needs are often overlooked," Neuman says. "But you can create a marital culture of appreciation and thoughtfulness -- and once you set the tone, he's likely to match it."

66% of cheating men report feeling guilt during the affair.
The implications are a little scary: It isn't just uncaring jerks who cheat. In fact, 68 percent of cheaters never dreamed they'd be unfaithful, and almost all of them wished they hadn't done it, Neuman says. Clearly, guilt isn't enough to stop a man from cheating. "Men are good at compartmentalizing feelings," Neuman explains. "They can hold on to their emotions and deal with them later." So even if your partner swears he would never cheat, don't assume it can't happen. It's important for both of you to take steps toward creating the relationship you want.

77% of cheating men have a good friend who cheated.
Hanging around friends who stray makes cheating seem normal and legitimizes it as a possibility. The message he's subconsciously telling himself: "My friend is a good guy who happens to be cheating on his wife. I guess even the best of us do it." You can't simply ban your husband from hanging out with Mr. Wandering Eyes, Neuman says, but you can request that they spend their time together in an environment that offers less temptation, like at a sporting event or a restaurant for lunch rather than at a bar or club. Another strategy: Build your social circle around happily married couples that share your values -- it'll create an environment that supports marriage.

40% of cheating men met the other woman at work.
"Oftentimes the woman he cheats with at the office is someone who praises him, looks up to him, and compliments his efforts," Neuman says. "That's another reason why it's so critical that he feel valued at home." Luckily, there's a clear warning sign that your husband is getting a little too cozy with a colleague: If he praises or mentions the name of a female coworker more than he would a male counterpart, your antennae should go up -- and it's time for the two of you to set boundaries about what is and isn't okay at work, Neuman says. Is it acceptable for him to work late if it's only him and her? Can they travel together to conferences? Have dinners out to discuss a project? Ask him what he'd feel comfortable with you doing with a male colleague.

Only 12% of cheating men said their mistress was more physically attractive than their wife.
In other words, a man doesn't stray because he thinks he'll get lucky with a better-looking body. In most cases, he's cheating to fill an emotional void," Neuman says. "He feels a connection with the other woman, and physical intimacy comes along for the ride." If you're worried about infidelity, focus on making your relationship more loving and connected, not on getting your body just right or mastering how to please him physically. (But know that physical intimacy does matter -- it's one of the key ways your guy expresses his love and feels close to you, so be sure to keep it a priority.)

Only 6% of cheating men had physical intimacy with a woman after meeting her that same day or night.
Actually, 73 percent of men got to know the other woman for more than a month before they cheated. This means that you may have time to see the warning signs before infidelity occurs -- you might even see it coming before he does. Keep an eye out for these common signals: He spends more time away from home, stops asking for physical intimacy, picks fights more frequently, or avoids your calls. Your gut reaction may be to confront him, but most men will deny even thinking about cheating, especially if nothing physical has occurred yet. Instead, Neuman suggests, take charge of what you can control -- your own behavior -- and take the lead in bringing your relationship to a better place. Don't hesitate to show your appreciation for him, prioritize time together, and initiate affection more. Give him a reason to keep you at the front of his mind, Neuman says. And be open about how you feel about what's going on between the two of you (again, without mentioning any third parties). Try "I think we've started to lose something important in our relationship, and I don't want it to disappear." In the meantime, commit to keeping tabs on your relationship and doing what it takes to keep it working for you.

article can be viewed by clicking here

Sigh

2008-10-18T00:40:00.002-04:00

"Circle" BY MARQUES HOUSTON

Ran across a picture you took of me
and you crossed my mind
I still hear you saying you love me
when I close my eyes
If I didn't go away to school
Then where would we be
Probably still together and somewhere happy
If I'm supposed to be moved on in a new relationship strong
Then why are you still haunting me?

[Chorus]
They say
if you love something let it go
and if it comes back then that's how you know
I got to the stop light then I made 4 rights
now I'm back where I started
and you're back in my life.

The further I go the closer I get back to you
I say I moved on till I'm reminded of you
can somebody help me
help me get out of this circle
get out of this circle?

I drove past your house the other day
I didn't even mean to I went the wrong way
I ain't seen your mama in a while
When she looked at me she smiled
and asked me if I'm doing OK

Took everything I had not to bring up your name
and wonder if you came home for the holidays
she asked if I could stay a while
'cause you had come in town,
and you were just five minutes away

[Chorus]
If you love something let it go
and if it comes back then that's how you know
I got to the stop light then I made 4 rights
now I'm back where I started
and you're back in my life.

The further I go the closer I get back to you
I say I moved on till I'm reminded of you
can somebody help me
help me get out of this circle
get out of this circle?

Everybody who's listening to this
if you got that person that makes you wonder what if
Let me hear you say yeah
(yeah)
say yeah
(yeah)
say yeah
(yeah)
hoa yeah (hoa yeah)

If you understand how I feel
then grab that person now and let 'em know what's real
let me hear you say yeah
(yeah)
yeah
(yeah)
yeah, ahahah, hoa

[Chorus]
If you love something let it go
and if it comes back then thats how you know
I got to the stop light then I made 4 rights
now I'm back where I started
and you're back in my life.

the further I go the closer I get back to you
I say I moved on till I'm reminded of you
can somebody help me
help me get out of this circle
get out of this circle?

I NEED YOUR HELP!

2008-10-14T18:17:00.004-04:00

I'd appreciate it if all my readers would take the following survey for a class project that I have. It will only take a couple minutes. Please pass along to your friends. I'd greatly appreciate it :0)

Click Here to take survey

Thank you in advance!

Courtney

Videos of the Day: Palin's Interview with Katie Couric & Michelle Obama on the Daily Show

2008-10-09T16:40:00.003-04:00

Is she stupid or is she stupid?

"A maverick is an unbranded range animal, especially a motherless calf; it can also mean a person who thinks independently; a lone dissenter; a non-conformist or rebel." --Wikipedia

Now that's a black woman for your ass...she knows how to hold it down!

Video of the Day: Bill Maher on the Daily Show regarding Election

2008-10-06T12:30:00.008-04:00

The following is an interview with Bill Maher on the Daily Show where he is promoting his new film Religilous. Even though I do not necessarily support his skeptical views (although they are very thought provoking), I would like to highlight his thought on the current presidential election:

"I do think that America is a country [where] there is two Americas. There is like a progressive European nation that a lot of us live in or want to live in and it's being strangled by the Sarah Palin's of the world...and [it] can't quite be born because this other stupid redneck nation will not allow it." --Bill Maher

Lady in Waiting

2008-10-05T17:32:00.006-04:00

I Will Wait For You BY JANET BOYD

I will wait for you no matter where you go
I will wait for you for however long
I will stay strong for that day I know
That someday soon will come along
That's when the waiting can be done
That's when the waiting will be done....

I figured given my long hiatus and since the last few entries have been career or politically oriented, I'd first begin to update everyone on the lastest news in the love department. I will not be explicit about my love life via blogspot like I have been in the past...primarily because I'm taking the stance that unless I'm seriously involved, it's not really worth talking about. However, I will write about relevant issues surrounding certain themes that come up with mine or my friends' relationships. Especially since me and the lovely ladies that surround me coincindently usually go through the same things around the same time...at least as far as men are concerned.

As of right now, the lovely ladies of Courtney Inc. are currently Ladies In Waiting with a modern day twist. Many of us are content with our current interest...all of our leading fellas are very solid, respectful, and HONEST men. The only problem is that most of us feel that despite the fact we are semi-involved with certain guys, we still feel like we are playing a game of slight tug-of-war. All of us are involved with a guy who undoubtly is feelin the shit out of us, is completely honest about his view of our relationship and his relations with other women (even when it's things we do not want to hear), sex tends to take an extreme back seat to being in a partnership, and on those very few occassions that we do feel insecure about our status they keep it real without being manipulative or making us feel like idiots. We all feel accepted flaws and all...but most all we feel respected and that we are not being taken advantage of.

So what's the problem? The problem is that these men still want to play. The difference is that they are honest about it. There are no games. And they have enough respect and love for us to not want to lead us on. My one friend in particular has reached that mutual "I love you" phase with the guy that she is talking to, but they are still not in a committed relationship. There is no doubt in my mind after meeting him that he's feeling her...and that says a lot coming from me because I'm very overprotective of my friends. But the truth of the matter is, he likes her, is not ready to settle down, and at the same time is man enough not to hurt her because he genuinely cares.

A couple of my friends have ran into these types of guys many of times and have had major dramatic events occur around them. Mainly becuase some of my homegirls will try to force the man into a relationship because they feel they shouldn't be expected to wait for them. They have learned from this mistake. And by mistake I'm not saying they should wait for them....I'm saying that they should not force a relationship. They should let him do him and let God do the rest. It's God's job to work on them, not ours. If he comes around, he comes around...and he can only hope that he's not too late.

A part of me cannot help but entertain the thought that maybe these guys feel us but not enough. What happens if we simply are not what they are looking for? But at the same time, all of these men in question are men who tend not say things unless they were true.

I have not talked to any homeboys about being what I call "A Lady in Waiting" so I'm definitely interested in hearing the males perspective. Once I talk to a couple of guys, I'd be sure to post an update.

Until then any readers can feel free to leave a comment as the ladies in waiting patiently wait for their leading fellas to come home....

Video of the Day: VP Debate Spoof from SNL

2008-10-05T14:14:00.001-04:00

Next Presidential Debate: Tuesday, October 7th, 2008

Redefining "Hater"

2008-10-05T12:22:00.011-04:00

So finally I have some time to sit my restless ass down to write....

There has been too much going on for me to really update everyone on all the changes that has been going in my life but lately I have had a something on my mind that I want to share. As with most things in life, each stage that we live through teaches us a valuable lesson about people, about ourselves, or about the grand scheme of things. Right now, I have made so many changes internally that the person I was before is almost completely unrecognizable....and it's a good thing.

If you ask anyone, most people will tell you that the best way to know if the people you deal with are really down for you is to see what they do in your time of need...but I'm learning that this is not all the way true given the fact that there is a good chance that when you are in need, they may be in need to...or, because I'm so stubborn, they may not even realize that you need them.

What I have learned over the past year is that the best way to know if the people you deal with are really downn for you is to see how they act when you decide you want to be a better person. It would suprise you because the people you think would try to hold you back end up being the ones to support your changes and the people you would think would have your back will be the ones who will try to bring you down.

I have given up smokin and drikin (with the exception of wine and beer), I have developed a higher standard of ethics and I am more grounded in my morale. I do not go out to party, I hate bars, when I do go out to dance I dance by myself as opposed to grinding with some sweaty ass stranger. I'm less quick to anger and am more humble when I'm mad or irritated. I have become less judgemental of people who are in a lesser position than I am (i.e. hoovers) and more judgemental of the people who are supposedly on my level. I have decided to go back to church even though I'm not into organized religion (even though I've always been spiritual). And the biggest change of all is that I have decided that I do not want to work for a public company. I'd rather work for a private company, work non-profit, or work for myself (ideally I've always wanted to work for myself). I've also felt more like settling down and have completely given up habitual dating (I haven't dated since January 08 and haven't had sex since November 07). I am also more ginuinely understanding.

All these changes have drastically affected my relationships with people. For both good and bad. I have always had a disdain for haters...and I have always considered haters to be people who hate the fact that I'm going somewhere in life. I go to an exceptionally good school and I'd probably be able to get a very good and lucrative job. But as I age and mature, I'm starting to redefine the word "hater". I don't get the same bad taste in my mouth when I meet people like this because I realize that the worse haters are not those who hate you because you are able to have more but are those you hate you because you are a good, solid person who has full control of self.

I think living in a world where most blacks do not have equal opportunity to excel has a way of fucking with people's heads that cause them to crash into each other. The problem is 50% society and 50% individual responsiblity. It makes sense as to why they hate and it's not completely their fault...it's justifiable anger and I feel sorry for them and want to help them.

The people who I do not want to help are the "friends" who continuously encourage me not to make the necessary changes in my life. When I stopped drinking, I was pretty floored by the fact that most of my friends who are "on my level" got unreasonalbly nasty about the fact that I no longer drink like that and the friends who I consistently brand as hoovers started buying hard liquor less often. And when I said that people got nasty...I'm mean they were really high and mighty about it. When I decided that to give up the dating game and focus more on finding a serious, long term relationship...the friends who are "on my level" (the same ones who have the misconception that I am a slut even though I do not sleep around) once again got really nasty about the fact that I've become more committal.

I can understand if people do not feel the need to live life the way that I have decided to live mine...I am a pretty tolerant person and I do not hold people to the same standards that I hold to myself. I never try to force my beliefs on anybody because I know that life is made up of shades of gray and nothing is ever black and white. What I do not understand is the extent to which people go to pull you underder. I have had more than my fair share of experiences when it comes to "hoovers" trying to pull me down...but the most they will do is try to trick you into feeding them or instead of getting on their man for wanting to fuck you, they get in your face when you know that the only person who wants their man is them.

The people who are "on my level" on the other hand are far far more coniving, far more condescending, and a lot more backstabbing. I think it's because they are used to feeling on top and they are not use to feeling less. Therefore, they are by far more competitive. In addition, people who are "on my level" pride themselves for being financially and academically successful...but I am learning that success is defined more through what type of person you are. And based on this definition, the number of successful people in the world is drastically low. People are more inclined towards the bad than they are the good.

I find that when people who are "on my level" feel threatened they become the biggest liars I've ever met. They lie about everything and/or they will will shamelessly find out your weakness and use it against you over and over and over again (if you allow it).

As I have already stated, hoovers hate because they are emotionally discouraged. The people who are "on my level" on the other hand, are just plain heartless. There is no reason for their madness other than to be alpha dog...even when they are being well fed. This is why the world is the way it is...you have too many people trying to be alpha dog and not thinking about the general good of the global community. Hoovers just want to eat....while the people who are being fed just want to take just for the sake of taking...they want more than a good quality of life...they want power.

Being around hoovers is like being around dogs. They are generally loyal, playful, cuddly, and will be sniffin your ass when their needs are met but they become bitches when you hold a piece of meat in front of them that they can't have when they haven't eaten for days. Being around people who are "on my level" is like swimming with sharks. They have no real sense of comraderie and even though they are the big power houses and have much to their disposable, they act like scavangers who shamelessly take other's left overs.

Obama McCain Debate Round 1

2008-09-27T15:37:00.003-04:00

Sorry guys about the ongoing hiatus.....Been incredibly busy...I have so much going on that I really have not had the time that I thought I would have to update my blog....

However, I do want to continue to show my support of Obama and the historical election. Please check out this article at the following link:

Grading the First Presidential Debate

45 Years After "I Have A Dream"

2008-08-29T12:53:00.005-04:00

Below is Barack Obama's Acceptance Speech that aired yesterday on CNN. The speech was given on the 45th Anniversary of MLK's "I Have A Dream" speech:

To Chairman Dean and my great friend Dick Durbin; and to all my fellow citizens of this great nation;

With profound gratitude and great humility, I accept your nomination for the presidency of the United States.

Let me express my thanks to the historic slate of candidates who accompanied me on this journey, and especially the one who traveled the farthest - a champion for working Americans and an inspiration to my daughters and to yours -- Hillary Rodham Clinton. To President Clinton, who last night made the case for change as only he can make it; to Ted Kennedy, who embodies the spirit of service; and to the next Vice President of the United States, Joe Biden, I thank you. I am grateful to finish this journey with one of the finest statesmen of our time, a man at ease with everyone from world leaders to the conductors on the Amtrak train he still takes home every night.

To the love of my life, our next First Lady, Michelle Obama, and to Sasha and Malia - I love you so much, and I'm so proud of all of you.

Four years ago, I stood before you and told you my story - of the brief union between a young man from Kenya and a young woman from Kansas who weren't well-off or well-known, but shared a belief that in America, their son could achieve whatever he put his mind to.

It is that promise that has always set this country apart - that through hard work and sacrifice, each of us can pursue our individual dreams but still come together as one American family, to ensure that the next generation can pursue their dreams as well.

That's why I stand here tonight. Because for two hundred and thirty two years, at each moment when that promise was in jeopardy, ordinary men and women - students and soldiers, farmers and teachers, nurses and janitors -- found the courage to keep it alive.

We meet at one of those defining moments - a moment when our nation is at war, our economy is in turmoil, and the American promise has been threatened once more.

Tonight, more Americans are out of work and more are working harder for less. More of you have lost your homes and even more are watching your home values plummet. More of you have cars you can't afford to drive, credit card bills you can't afford to pay, and tuition that's beyond your reach.

These challenges are not all of government's making. But the failure to respond is a direct result of a broken politics in Washington and the failed policies of George W Bush.

America, we are better than these last eight years. We are a better country than this.

This country is more decent than one where a woman in Ohio, on the brink of retirement, finds herself one illness away from disaster after a lifetime of hard work.

This country is more generous than one where a man in Indiana has to pack up the equipment he's worked on for twenty years and watch it shipped off to China, and then chokes up as he explains how he felt like a failure when he went home to tell his family the news.

We are more compassionate than a government that lets veterans sleep on our streets and families slide into poverty; that sits on its hands while a major American city drowns before our eyes.

Tonight, I say to the American people, to Democrats and Republicans and Independents across this great land - enough! This moment - this election - is our chance to keep, in the 21st century, the American promise alive. Because next week, in Minnesota, the same party that brought you two terms of George Bush and Dick Cheney will ask this country for a third. And we are here because we love this country too much to let the next four years look like the last eight. On November 4th, we must stand up and say: "Eight is enough.
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Now let there be no doubt. The Republican nominee, John McCain, has worn the uniform of our country with bravery and distinction, and for that we owe him our gratitude and respect. And next week, we'll also hear about those occasions when he's broken with his party as evidence that he can deliver the change that we need.

But the record's clear: John McCain has voted with George Bush ninety percent of the time. Senator McCain likes to talk about judgment, but really, what does it say about your judgment when you think George Bush has been right more than ninety percent of the time? I don't know about you, but I'm not ready to take a ten percent chance on change.

The truth is, on issue after issue that would make a difference in your lives - on health care and education and the economy - Senator McCain has been anything but independent. He said that our economy has made "great progress" under this President. He said that the fundamentals of the economy are strong. And when one of his chief advisors - the man who wrote his economic plan - was talking about the anxiety Americans are feeling, he said that we were just suffering from a "mental recession," and that we've become, and I quote, "a nation of whiners.
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A nation of whiners? Tell that to the proud auto workers at a Michigan plant who, after they found out it was closing, kept showing up every day and working as hard as ever, because they knew there were people who counted on the brakes that they made. Tell that to the military families who shoulder their burdens silently as they watch their loved ones leave for their third or fourth or fifth tour of duty. These are not whiners. They work hard and give back and keep going without complaint. These are the Americans that I know.

Now, I don't believe that Senator McCain doesn't care what's going on in the lives of Americans. I just think he doesn't know.
Why else would he define middle-class as someone making under five million dollars a year? How else could he propose hundreds of billions in tax breaks for big corporations and oil companies but not one penny of tax relief to more than one hundred million Americans? How else could he offer a health care plan that would actually tax people's benefits, or an education plan that would do nothing to help families pay for college, or a plan that would privatize Social Security and gamble your retirement?

It's not because John McCain doesn't care. It's because John McCain doesn't get it.

For over two decades, he's subscribed to that old, discredited Republican philosophy - give more and more to those with the most and hope that prosperity trickles down to everyone else. In Washington, they call this the Ownership Society, but what it really means is - you're on your own. Out of work? Tough luck. No health care? The market will fix it. Born into poverty? Pull yourself up by your own bootstraps - even if you don't have boots. You're on your own.

Well it's time for them to own their failure. It's time for us to change America.

You see, we Democrats have a very different measure of what constitutes progress in this country.

We measure progress by how many people can find a job that pays the mortgage; whether you can put a little extra money away at the end of each month so you can someday watch your child receive her college diploma. We measure progress in the 23 million new jobs that were created when Bill Clinton was President - when the average American family saw its income go up $7,500 instead of down $2,000 like it has under George Bush.

We measure the strength of our economy not by the number of billionaires we have or the profits of the Fortune 500, but by whether someone with a good idea can take a risk and start a new business, or whether the waitress who lives on tips can take a day off to look after a sick kid without losing her job - an economy that honors the dignity of work.

The fundamentals we use to measure economic strength are whether we are living up to that fundamental promise that has made this country great - a promise that is the only reason I am standing here tonight.

Because in the faces of those young veterans who come back from Iraq and Afghanistan, I see my grandfather, who signed up after Pearl Harbor, marched in Patton's Army, and was rewarded by a grateful nation with the chance to go to college on the GI Bill.

In the face of that young student who sleeps just three hours before working the night shift, I think about my mom, who raised my sister and me on her own while she worked and earned her degree; who once turned to food stamps but was still able to send us to the best schools in the country with the help of student loans and scholarships.

When I listen to another worker tell me that his factory has shut down, I remember all those men and women on the South Side of Chicago who I stood by and fought for two decades ago after the local steel plant closed.

And when I hear a woman talk about the difficulties of starting her own business, I think about my grandmother, who worked her way up from the secretarial pool to middle management, despite years of being passed over for promotions because she was a woman. She's the one who taught me about hard work. She's the one who put off buying a new car or a new dress for herself so that I could have a better life. She poured everything she had into me. And although she can no longer travel, I know that she's watching tonight, and that tonight is her night as well.

I don't know what kind of lives John McCain thinks that celebrities lead, but this has been mine. These are my heroes. Theirs are the stories that shaped me. And it is on their behalf that I intend to win this election and keep our promise alive as President of the United States.

What is that promise?

It's a promise that says each of us has the freedom to make of our own lives what we will, but that we also have the obligation to treat each other with dignity and respect.

It's a promise that says the market should reward drive and innovation and generate growth, but that businesses should live up to their responsibilities to create American jobs, look out for American workers, and play by the rules of the road.

Ours is a promise that says government cannot solve all our problems, but what it should do is that which we cannot do for ourselves - protect us from harm and provide every child a decent education; keep our water clean and our toys safe; invest in new schools and new roads and new science and technology.

Our government should work for us, not against us. It should help us, not hurt us. It should ensure opportunity not just for those with the most money and influence, but for every American who's willing to work.

That's the promise of America - the idea that we are responsible for ourselves, but that we also rise or fall as one nation; the fundamental belief that I am my brother's keeper; I am my sister's keeper.

That's the promise we need to keep. That's the change we need right now. So let me spell out exactly what that change would mean if I am President.

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Change means a tax code that doesn't reward the lobbyists who wrote it, but the American workers and small businesses who deserve it.

Unlike John McCain, I will stop giving tax breaks to corporations that ship jobs overseas, and I will start giving them to companies that create good jobs right here in America.

I will eliminate capital gains taxes for the small businesses and the start-ups that will create the high-wage, high-tech jobs of on Saturday.

I will cut taxes - cut taxes - for 95 per cent of all working families. Because in an economy like this, the last thing we should do is raise taxes on the middle-class.

And for the sake of our economy, our security, and the future of our planet, I will set a clear goal as President: in ten years, we will finally end our dependence on oil from the Middle East.

Washington's been talking about our oil addiction for the last thirty years, and John McCain has been there for twenty-six of them. In that time, he's said no to higher fuel-efficiency standards for cars, no to investments in renewable energy, no to renewable fuels. And today, we import triple the amount of oil as the day that Senator McCain took office.

Now is the time to end this addiction, and to understand that drilling is a stop-gap measure, not a long-term solution. Not even close.

As President, I will tap our natural gas reserves, invest in clean coal technology, and find ways to safely harness nuclear power. I'll help our auto companies re-tool, so that the fuel-efficient cars of the future are built right here in America. I'll make it easier for the American people to afford these new cars. And I'll invest 150 billion dollars over the next decade in affordable, renewable sources of energy - wind power and solar power and the next generation of biofuels; an investment that will lead to new industries and five million new jobs that pay well and can't ever be outsourced.

America, now is not the time for small plans.

Now is the time to finally meet our moral obligation to provide every child a world-class education, because it will take nothing less to compete in the global economy. Michelle and I are only here tonight because we were given a chance at an education. And I will not settle for an America where some kids don't have that chance. I'll invest in early childhood education. I'll recruit an army of new teachers, and pay them higher salaries and give them more support. And in exchange, I'll ask for higher standards and more accountability. And we will keep our promise to every young American - if you commit to serving your community or your country, we will make sure you can afford a college education.

Now is the time to finally keep the promise of affordable, accessible health care for every single American. If you have health care, my plan will lower your premiums. If you don't, you'll be able to get the same kind of coverage that members of Congress give themselves. And as someone who watched my mother argue with insurance companies while she lay in bed dying of cancer, I will make certain those companies stop discriminating against those who are sick and need care the most.

Now is the time to help families with paid sick days and better family leave, because nobody in America should have to choose between keeping their jobs and caring for a sick child or ailing parent.

Now is the time to change our bankruptcy laws, so that your pensions are protected ahead of CEO bonuses; and the time to protect Social Security for future generations.

And now is the time to keep the promise of equal pay for an equal day's work, because I want my daughters to have exactly the same opportunities as your sons.

Now, many of these plans will cost money, which is why I've laid out how I'll pay for every dime - by closing corporate loopholes and tax havens that don't help America grow. But I will also go through the federal budget, line by line, eliminating programs that no longer work and making the ones we do need work better and cost less - because we cannot meet twenty-first century challenges with a twentieth century bureaucracy.

And Democrats, we must also admit that fulfilling America's promise will require more than just money. It will require a renewed sense of responsibility from each of us to recover what John F Kennedy called our "intellectual and moral strength." Yes, government must lead on energy independence, but each of us must do our part to make our homes and businesses more efficient. Yes, we must provide more ladders to success for young men who fall into lives of crime and despair. But we must also admit that programs alone can't replace parents; that government can't turn off the television and make a child do her homework; that fathers must take more responsibility for providing the love and guidance their children need.

Individual responsibility and mutual responsibility - that's the essence of America's promise.

And just as we keep our keep our promise to the next generation here at home, so must we keep America's promise abroad. If John McCain wants to have a debate about who has the temperament, and judgment, to serve as the next Commander-in-Chief, that's a debate I'm ready to have.

For while Senator McCain was turning his sights to Iraq just days after 9/11, I stood up and opposed this war, knowing that it would distract us from the real threats we face. When John McCain said we could just "muddle through" in Afghanistan, I argued for more resources and more troops to finish the fight against the terrorists who actually attacked us on 9/11, and made clear that we must take out Osama bin Laden and his lieutenants if we have them in our sights. John McCain likes to say that he'll follow bin Laden to the Gates of Hell - but he won't even go to the cave where he lives.

And on Friday, as the Iraqi government and even the Bush Administration have echoed my call for a time frame to remove our troops from Iraq, even after we learned that Iraq has a $79 billion surplus while we're wallowing in deficits, John McCain stands alone in his stubborn refusal to end a misguided war.

That's not the judgment we need. That won't keep America safe. We need a President who can face the threats of the future, not keep grasping at the ideas of the past.

You don't defeat a terrorist network that operates in eighty countries by occupying Iraq. You don't protect Israel and deter Iran just by talking tough in Washington. You can't truly stand up for Georgia when you've strained our oldest alliances. If John McCain wants to follow George Bush with more tough talk and bad strategy, that is his choice - but it is not the change we need.

We are the party of Roosevelt. We are the party of Kennedy. So don't tell me that Democrats won't defend this country. Don't tell me that Democrats won't keep us safe. The Bush-McCain foreign policy has squandered the legacy that generations of Americans -- Democrats and Republicans - have built, and we are here to restore that legacy.

As Commander-in-Chief, I will never hesitate to defend this nation, but I will only send our troops into harm's way with a clear mission and a sacred commitment to give them the equipment they need in battle and the care and benefits they deserve when they come home.

I will end this war in Iraq responsibly, and finish the fight against al Qaeda and the Taliban in Afghanistan. I will rebuild our military to meet future conflicts. But I will also renew the tough, direct diplomacy that can prevent Iran from obtaining nuclear weapons and curb Russian aggression. I will build new partnerships to defeat the threats of the 21st century: terrorism and nuclear proliferation; poverty and genocide; climate change and disease. And I will restore our moral standing, so that America is once again that last, best hope for all who are called to the cause of freedom, who long for lives of peace, and who yearn for a better future.

These are the policies I will pursue. And in the weeks ahead, I look forward to debating them with John McCain.

But what I will not do is suggest that the Senator takes his positions for political purposes. Because one of the things that we have to change in our politics is the idea that people cannot disagree without challenging each other's character and patriotism.

The times are too serious, the stakes are too high for this same partisan playbook. So let us agree that patriotism has no party. I love this country, and so do you, and so does John McCain. The men and women who serve in our battlefields may be Democrats and Republicans and Independents, but they have fought together and bled together and some died together under the same proud flag. They have not served a Red America or a Blue America - they have served the United States of America.

So I've got news for you, John McCain. We all put our country first.

America, our work will not be easy. The challenges we face require tough choices, and Democrats as well as Republicans will need to cast off the worn-out ideas and politics of the past. For part of what has been lost these past eight years can't just be measured by lost wages or bigger trade deficits. What has also been lost is our sense of common purpose - our sense of higher purpose. And that's what we have to restore.

We may not agree on abortion, but surely we can agree on reducing the number of unwanted pregnancies in this country. The reality of gun ownership may be different for hunters in rural Ohio than for those plagued by gang-violence in Cleveland, but don't tell me we can't uphold the Second Amendment while keeping AK-47s out of the hands of criminals. I know there are differences on same-sex marriage, but surely we can agree that our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters deserve to visit the person they love in the hospital and to live lives free of discrimination. Passions fly on immigration, but I don't know anyone who benefits when a mother is separated from her infant child or an employer undercuts American wages by hiring illegal workers. This too is part of America's promise - the promise of a democracy where we can find the strength and grace to bridge divides and unite in common effort.

I know there are those who dismiss such beliefs as happy talk. They claim that our insistence on something larger, something firmer and more honest in our public life is just a Trojan Horse for higher taxes and the abandonment of traditional values. And that's to be expected. Because if you don't have any fresh ideas, then you use stale tactics to scare the voters. If you don't have a record to run on, then you paint your opponent as someone people should run from.

You make a big election about small things.

And you know what - it's worked before. Because it feeds into the cynicism we all have about government. When Washington doesn't work, all its promises seem empty. If your hopes have been dashed again and again, then it's best to stop hoping, and settle for what you already know.

I get it. I realize that I am not the likeliest candidate for this office. I don't fit the typical pedigree, and I haven't spent my career in the halls of Washington.

But I stand before you tonight because all across America something is stirring. What the nay-sayers don't understand is that this election has never been about me. It's been about you.

For eighteen long months, you have stood up, one by one, and said enough to the politics of the past. You understand that in this election, the greatest risk we can take is to try the same old politics with the same old players and expect a different result. You have shown what history teaches us - that at defining moments like this one, the change we need doesn't come from Washington. Change comes to Washington. Change happens because the American people demand it - because they rise up and insist on new ideas and new leadership, a new politics for a new time.

America, this is one of those moments.

I believe that as hard as it will be, the change we need is coming. Because I've seen it. Because I've lived it. I've seen it in Illinois, when we provided health care to more children and moved more families from welfare to work. I've seen it in Washington, when we worked across party lines to open up government and hold lobbyists more accountable, to give better care for our veterans and keep nuclear weapons out of terrorist hands.

And I've seen it in this campaign. In the young people who voted for the first time, and in those who got involved again after a very long time. In the Republicans who never thought they'd pick up a Democratic ballot, but did. I've seen it in the workers who would rather cut their hours back a day than see their friends lose their jobs, in the soldiers who re-enlist after losing a limb, in the good neighbors who take a stranger in when a hurricane strikes and the floodwaters rise.

This country of ours has more wealth than any nation, but that's not what makes us rich. We have the most powerful military on Earth, but that's not what makes us strong. Our universities and our culture are the envy of the world, but that's not what keeps the world coming to our shores.

Instead, it is that American spirit - that American promise - that pushes us forward even when the path is uncertain; that binds us together in spite of our differences; that makes us fix our eye not on what is seen, but what is unseen, that better place around the bend.

That promise is our greatest inheritance. It's a promise I make to my daughters when I tuck them in at night, and a promise that you make to yours - a promise that has led immigrants to cross oceans and pioneers to travel west; a promise that led workers to picket lines, and women to reach for the ballot.

And it is that promise that forty five years ago today, brought Americans from every corner of this land to stand together on a Mall in Washington, before Lincoln's Memorial, and hear a young preacher from Georgia speak of his dream.

The men and women who gathered there could've heard many things. They could've heard words of anger and discord. They could've been told to succumb to the fear and frustration of so many dreams deferred.

But what the people heard instead - people of every creed and color, from every walk of life - is that in America, our destiny is inextricably linked. That together, our dreams can be one.

"We cannot walk alone," the preacher cried. "And as we walk, we must make the pledge that we shall always march ahead. We cannot turn back.
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America, we cannot turn back. Not with so much work to be done. Not with so many children to educate, and so many veterans to care for. Not with an economy to fix and cities to rebuild and farms to save. Not with so many families to protect and so many lives to mend. America, we cannot turn back. We cannot walk alone. At this moment, in this election, we must pledge once more to march into the future. Let us keep that promise - that American promise - and in the words of Scripture hold firmly, without wavering, to the hope that we confess.

Thank you, God Bless you, and God Bless the United States of America.

Here is Barack Obama's famous Race Speech:

"We the people, in order to form a more perfect union."

Two hundred and twenty one years ago, in a hall that still stands across the street, a group of men gathered and, with these simple words, launched America's improbable experiment in democracy. Farmers and scholars; statesmen and patriots who had traveled across an ocean to escape tyranny and persecution finally made real their declaration of independence at a Philadelphia convention that lasted through the spring of 1787.

The document they produced was eventually signed but ultimately unfinished. It was stained by this nation's original sin of slavery, a question that divided the colonies and brought the convention to a stalemate until the founders chose to allow the slave trade to continue for at least twenty more years, and to leave any final resolution to future generations.

Of course, the answer to the slavery question was already embedded within our Constitution - a Constitution that had at is very core the ideal of equal citizenship under the law; a Constitution that promised its people liberty, and justice, and a union that could be and should be perfected over time.

And yet words on a parchment would not be enough to deliver slaves from bondage, or provide men and women of every color and creed their full rights and obligations as citizens of the United States. What would be needed were Americans in successive generations who were willing to do their part - through protests and struggle, on the streets and in the courts, through a civil war and civil disobedience and always at great risk - to narrow that gap between the promise of our ideals and the reality of their time.

This was one of the tasks we set forth at the beginning of this campaign - to continue the long march of those who came before us, a march for a more just, more equal, more free, more caring and more prosperous America. I chose to run for the presidency at this moment in history because I believe deeply that we cannot solve the challenges of our time unless we solve them together - unless we perfect our union by understanding that we may have different stories, but we hold common hopes; that we may not look the same and we may not have come from the same place, but we all want to move in the same direction - towards a better future for of children and our grandchildren.

This belief comes from my unyielding faith in the decency and generosity of the American people. But it also comes from my own American story.

I am the son of a black man from Kenya and a white woman from Kansas. I was raised with the help of a white grandfather who survived a Depression to serve in Patton's Army during World War II and a white grandmother who worked on a bomber assembly line at Fort Leavenworth while he was overseas. I've gone to some of the best schools in America and lived in one of the world's poorest nations. I am married to a black American who carries within her the blood of slaves and slaveowners - an inheritance we pass on to our two precious daughters. I have brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, uncles and cousins, of every race and every hue, scattered across three continents, and for as long as I live, I will never forget that in no other country on Earth is my story even possible.

It's a story that hasn't made me the most conventional candidate. But it is a story that has seared into my genetic makeup the idea that this nation is more than the sum of its parts - that out of many, we are truly one.

Throughout the first year of this campaign, against all predictions to the contrary, we saw how hungry the American people were for this message of unity. Despite the temptation to view my candidacy through a purely racial lens, we won commanding victories in states with some of the whitest populations in the country. In South Carolina, where the Confederate Flag still flies, we built a powerful coalition of African Americans and white Americans.

This is not to say that race has not been an issue in the campaign. At various stages in the campaign, some commentators have deemed me either "too black" or "not black enough." We saw racial tensions bubble to the surface during the week before the South Carolina primary. The press has scoured every exit poll for the latest evidence of racial polarization, not just in terms of white and black, but black and brown as well.

And yet, it has only been in the last couple of weeks that the discussion of race in this campaign has taken a particularly divisive turn.

On one end of the spectrum, we've heard the implication that my candidacy is somehow an exercise in affirmative action; that it's based solely on the desire of wide-eyed liberals to purchase racial reconciliation on the cheap. On the other end, we've heard my former pastor, Reverend Jeremiah Wright, use incendiary language to express views that have the potential not only to widen the racial divide, but views that denigrate both the greatness and the goodness of our nation; that rightly offend white and black alike.

I have already condemned, in unequivocal terms, the statements of Reverend Wright that have caused such controversy. For some, nagging questions remain. Did I know him to be an occasionally fierce critic of American domestic and foreign policy? Of course. Did I ever hear him make remarks that could be considered controversial while I sat in church? Yes. Did I strongly disagree with many of his political views? Absolutely - just as I'm sure many of you have heard remarks from your pastors, priests, or rabbis with which you strongly disagreed.

But the remarks that have caused this recent firestorm weren't simply controversial. They weren't simply a religious leader's effort to speak out against perceived injustice. Instead, they expressed a profoundly distorted view of this country - a view that sees white racism as endemic, and that elevates what is wrong with America above all that we know is right with America; a view that sees the conflicts in the Middle East as rooted primarily in the actions of stalwart allies like Israel, instead of emanating from the perverse and hateful ideologies of radical Islam.

As such, Reverend Wright's comments were not only wrong but divisive, divisive at a time when we need unity; racially charged at a time when we need to come together to solve a set of monumental problems - two wars, a terrorist threat, a falling economy, a chronic health care crisis and potentially devastating climate change; problems that are neither black or white or Latino or Asian, but rather problems that confront us all.

Given my background, my politics, and my professed values and ideals, there will no doubt be those for whom my statements of condemnation are not enough.
Why associate myself with Reverend Wright in the first place, they may ask? Why not join another church? And I confess that if all that I knew of Reverend Wright were the snippets of those sermons that have run in an endless loop on the television and You Tube, or if Trinity United Church of Christ conformed to the caricatures being peddled by some commentators, there is no doubt that I would react in much the same way

But the truth is, that isn't all that I know of the man. The man I met more than twenty years ago is a man who helped introduce me to my Christian faith, a man who spoke to me about our obligations to love one another; to care for the sick and lift up the poor. He is a man who served his country as a U.S. Marine; who has studied and lectured at some of the finest universities and seminaries in the country, and who for over thirty years led a church that serves the community by doing God's work here on Earth - by housing the homeless, ministering to the needy, providing day care services and scholarships and prison ministries, and reaching out to those suffering from HIV/AIDS.

In my first book, Dreams From My Father, I described the experience of my first service at Trinity:

"People began to shout, to rise from their seats and clap and cry out, a forceful wind carrying the reverend's voice up into the rafters....And in that single note - hope! - I heard something else; at the foot of that cross, inside the thousands of churches across the city, I imagined the stories of ordinary black people merging with the stories of David and Goliath, Moses and Pharaoh, the Christians in the lion's den, Ezekiel's field of dry bones. Those stories - of survival, and freedom, and hope - became our story, my story; the blood that had spilled was our blood, the tears our tears; until this black church, on this bright day, seemed once more a vessel carrying the story of a people into future generations and into a larger world. Our trials and triumphs became at once unique and universal, black and more than black; in chronicling our journey, the stories and songs gave us a means to reclaim memories that we didn't need to feel shame about...memories that all people might study and cherish - and with which we could start to rebuild.
"

That has been my experience at Trinity. Like other predominantly black churches across the country, Trinity embodies the black community in its entirety - the doctor and the welfare mom, the model student and the former gang-banger. Like other black churches, Trinity's services are full of raucous laughter and sometimes bawdy humor. They are full of dancing, clapping, screaming and shouting that may seem jarring to the untrained ear. The church contains in full the kindness and cruelty, the fierce intelligence and the shocking ignorance, the struggles and successes, the love and yes, the bitterness and bias that make up the black experience in America.

And this helps explain, perhaps, my relationship with Reverend Wright. As imperfect as he may be, he has been like family to me. He strengthened my faith, officiated my wedding, and baptized my children. Not once in my conversations with him have I heard him talk about any ethnic group in derogatory terms, or treat whites with whom he interacted with anything but courtesy and respect. He contains within him the contradictions - the good and the bad - of the community that he has served diligently for so many years.

I can no more disown him than I can disown the black community. I can no more disown him than I can my white grandmother - a woman who helped raise me, a woman who sacrificed again and again for me, a woman who loves me as much as she loves anything in this world, but a woman who once confessed her fear of black men who passed by her on the street, and who on more than one occasion has uttered racial or ethnic stereotypes that made me cringe.

These people are a part of me. And they are a part of America, this country that I love.

Some will see this as an attempt to justify or excuse comments that are simply inexcusable. I can assure you it is not. I suppose the politically safe thing would be to move on from this episode and just hope that it fades into the woodwork. We can dismiss Reverend Wright as a crank or a demagogue, just as some have dismissed Geraldine Ferraro, in the aftermath of her recent statements, as harboring some deep-seated racial bias.

But race is an issue that I believe this nation cannot afford to ignore right now. We would be making the same mistake that Reverend Wright made in his offending sermons about America - to simplify and stereotype and amplify the negative to the point that it distorts reality.

The fact is that the comments that have been made and the issues that have surfaced over the last few weeks reflect the complexities of race in this country that we've never really worked through - a part of our union that we have yet to perfect. And if we walk away now, if we simply retreat into our respective corners, we will never be able to come together and solve challenges like health care, or education, or the need to find good jobs for every American.

Understanding this reality requires a reminder of how we arrived at this point. As William Faulkner once wrote, "The past isn't dead and buried. In fact, it isn't even past." We do not need to recite here the history of racial injustice in this country. But we do need to remind ourselves that so many of the disparities that exist in the African-American community today can be directly traced to inequalities passed on from an earlier generation that suffered under the brutal legacy of slavery and Jim Crow.

Segregated schools were, and are, inferior schools; we still haven't fixed them, fifty years after Brown v. Board of Education, and the inferior education they provided, then and now, helps explain the pervasive achievement gap between today's black and white students.

Legalized discrimination - where blacks were prevented, often through violence, from owning property, or loans were not granted to African-American business owners, or black homeowners could not access FHA mortgages, or blacks were excluded from unions, or the police force, or fire departments - meant that black families could not amass any meaningful wealth to bequeath to future generations. That history helps explain the wealth and income gap between black and white, and the concentrated pockets of poverty that persists in so many of today's urban and rural communities.

A lack of economic opportunity among black men, and the shame and frustration that came from not being able to provide for one's family, contributed to the erosion of black families - a problem that welfare policies for many years may have worsened. And the lack of basic services in so many urban black neighborhoods - parks for kids to play in, police walking the beat, regular garbage pick-up and building code enforcement - all helped create a cycle of violence, blight and neglect that continue to haunt us.

This is the reality in which Reverend Wright and other African-Americans of his generation grew up. They came of age in the late fifties and early sixties, a time when segregation was still the law of the land and opportunity was systematically constricted. What's remarkable is not how many failed in the face of discrimination, but rather how many men and women overcame the odds; how many were able to make a way out of no way for those like me who would come after them.

But for all those who scratched and clawed their way to get a piece of the American Dream, there were many who didn't make it - those who were ultimately defeated, in one way or another, by discrimination. That legacy of defeat was passed on to future generations - those young men and increasingly young women who we see standing on street corners or languishing in our prisons, without hope or prospects for the future. Even for those blacks who did make it, questions of race, and racism, continue to define their worldview in fundamental ways. For the men and women of Reverend Wright's generation, the memories of humiliation and doubt and fear have not gone away; nor has the anger and the bitterness of those years. That anger may not get expressed in public, in front of white co-workers or white friends. But it does find voice in the barbershop or around the kitchen table. At times, that anger is exploited by politicians, to gin up votes along racial lines, or to make up for a politician's own failings.

And occasionally it finds voice in the church on Sunday morning, in the pulpit and in the pews. The fact that so many people are surprised to hear that anger in some of Reverend Wright's sermons simply reminds us of the old truism that the most segregated hour in American life occurs on Sunday morning. That anger is not always productive; indeed, all too often it distracts attention from solving real problems; it keeps us from squarely facing our own complicity in our condition, and prevents the African-American community from forging the alliances it needs to bring about real change. But the anger is real; it is powerful; and to simply wish it away, to condemn it without understanding its roots, only serves to widen the chasm of misunderstanding that exists between the races.

In fact, a similar anger exists within segments of the white community. Most working- and middle-class white Americans don't feel that they have been particularly privileged by their race. Their experience is the immigrant experience - as far as they're concerned, no one's handed them anything, they've built it from scratch. They've worked hard all their lives, many times only to see their jobs shipped overseas or their pension dumped after a lifetime of labor. They are anxious about their futures, and feel their dreams slipping away; in an era of stagnant wages and global competition, opportunity comes to be seen as a zero sum game, in which your dreams come at my expense. So when they are told to bus their children to a school across town; when they hear that an African American is getting an advantage in landing a good job or a spot in a good college because of an injustice that they themselves never committed; when they're told that their fears about crime in urban neighborhoods are somehow prejudiced, resentment builds over time.

Like the anger within the black community, these resentments aren't always expressed in polite company. But they have helped shape the political landscape for at least a generation. Anger over welfare and affirmative action helped forge the Reagan Coalition. Politicians routinely exploited fears of crime for their own electoral ends. Talk show hosts and conservative commentators built entire careers unmasking bogus claims of racism while dismissing legitimate discussions of racial injustice and inequality as mere political correctness or reverse racism.

Just as black anger often proved counterproductive, so have these white resentments distracted attention from the real culprits of the middle class squeeze - a corporate culture rife with inside dealing, questionable accounting practices, and short-term greed; a Washington dominated by lobbyists and special interests; economic policies that favor the few over the many. And yet, to wish away the resentments of white Americans, to label them as misguided or even racist, without recognizing they are grounded in legitimate concerns - this too widens the racial divide, and blocks the path to understanding.

This is where we are right now. It's a racial stalemate we've been stuck in for years. Contrary to the claims of some of my critics, black and white, I have never been so naïve as to believe that we can get beyond our racial divisions in a single election cycle, or with a single candidacy - particularly a candidacy as imperfect as my own.

But I have asserted a firm conviction - a conviction rooted in my faith in God and my faith in the American people - that working together we can move beyond some of our old racial wounds, and that in fact we have no choice is we are to continue on the path of a more perfect union.

For the African-American community, that path means embracing the burdens of our past without becoming victims of our past. It means continuing to insist on a full measure of justice in every aspect of American life. But it also means binding our particular grievances - for better health care, and better schools, and better jobs - to the larger aspirations of all Americans -- the white woman struggling to break the glass ceiling, the white man whose been laid off, the immigrant trying to feed his family. And it means taking full responsibility for own lives - by demanding more from our fathers, and spending more time with our children, and reading to them, and teaching them that while they may face challenges and discrimination in their own lives, they must never succumb to despair or cynicism; they must always believe that they can write their own destiny.

Ironically, this quintessentially American - and yes, conservative - notion of self-help found frequent expression in Reverend Wright's sermons. But what my former pastor too often failed to understand is that embarking on a program of self-help also requires a belief that society can change.

The profound mistake of Reverend Wright's sermons is not that he spoke about racism in our society. It's that he spoke as if our society was static; as if no progress has been made; as if this country - a country that has made it possible for one of his own members to run for the highest office in the land and build a coalition of white and black; Latino and Asian, rich and poor, young and old -- is still irrevocably bound to a tragic past. But what we know -- what we have seen - is that America can change. That is true genius of this nation. What we have already achieved gives us hope - the audacity to hope - for what we can and must achieve tomorrow.

In the white community, the path to a more perfect union means acknowledging that what ails the African-American community does not just exist in the minds of black people; that the legacy of discrimination - and current incidents of discrimination, while less overt than in the past - are real and must be addressed. Not just with words, but with deeds - by investing in our schools and our communities; by enforcing our civil rights laws and ensuring fairness in our criminal justice system; by providing this generation with ladders of opportunity that were unavailable for previous generations. It requires all Americans to realize that your dreams do not have to come at the expense of my dreams; that investing in the health, welfare, and education of black and brown and white children will ultimately help all of America prosper.

In the end, then, what is called for is nothing more, and nothing less, than what all the world's great religions demand - that we do unto others as we would have them do unto us. Let us be our brother's keeper, Scripture tells us. Let us be our sister's keeper. Let us find that common stake we all have in one another, and let our politics reflect that spirit as well.

For we have a choice in this country. We can accept a politics that breeds division, and conflict, and cynicism. We can tackle race only as spectacle - as we did in the OJ trial - or in the wake of tragedy, as we did in the aftermath of Katrina - or as fodder for the nightly news. We can play Reverend Wright's sermons on every channel, every day and talk about them from now until the election, and make the only question in this campaign whether or not the American people think that I somehow believe or sympathize with his most offensive words. We can pounce on some gaffe by a Hillary supporter as evidence that she's playing the race card, or we can speculate on whether white men will all flock to John McCain in the general election regardless of his policies.

We can do that.

But if we do, I can tell you that in the next election, we'll be talking about some other distraction. And then another one. And then another one. And nothing will change.

That is one option. Or, at this moment, in this election, we can come together and say, "Not this time." This time we want to talk about the crumbling schools that are stealing the future of black children and white children and Asian children and Hispanic children and Native American children. This time we want to reject the cynicism that tells us that these kids can't learn; that those kids who don't look like us are somebody else's problem. The children of America are not those kids, they are our kids, and we will not let them fall behind in a 21st century economy. Not this time.

This time we want to talk about how the lines in the Emergency Room are filled with whites and blacks and Hispanics who do not have health care; who don't have the power on their own to overcome the special interests in Washington, but who can take them on if we do it together.

This time we want to talk about the shuttered mills that once provided a decent life for men and women of every race, and the homes for sale that once belonged to Americans from every religion, every region, every walk of life. This time we want to talk about the fact that the real problem is not that someone who doesn't look like you might take your job; it's that the corporation you work for will ship it overseas for nothing more than a profit.

This time we want to talk about the men and women of every color and creed who serve together, and fight together, and bleed together under the same proud flag. We want to talk about how to bring them home from a war that never should've been authorized and never should've been waged, and we want to talk about how we'll show our patriotism by caring for them, and their families, and giving them the benefits they have earned.

I would not be running for President if I didn't believe with all my heart that this is what the vast majority of Americans want for this country. This union may never be perfect, but generation after generation has shown that it can always be perfected. And today, whenever I find myself feeling doubtful or cynical about this possibility, what gives me the most hope is the next generation - the young people whose attitudes and beliefs and openness to change have already made history in this election.

There is one story in particularly that I'd like to leave you with today - a story I told when I had the great honor of speaking on Dr. King's birthday at his home church, Ebenezer Baptist, in Atlanta.

There is a young, twenty-three year old white woman named Ashley Baia who organized for our campaign in Florence, South Carolina. She had been working to organize a mostly African-American community since the beginning of this campaign, and one day she was at a roundtable discussion where everyone went around telling their story and why they were there.

And Ashley said that when she was nine years old, her mother got cancer. And because she had to miss days of work, she was let go and lost her health care. They had to file for bankruptcy, and that's when Ashley decided that she had to do something to help her mom.

She knew that food was one of their most expensive costs, and so Ashley convinced her mother that what she really liked and really wanted to eat more than anything else was mustard and relish sandwiches. Because that was the cheapest way to eat.

She did this for a year until her mom got better, and she told everyone at the roundtable that the reason she joined our campaign was so that she could help the millions of other children in the country who want and need to help their parents too.

Now Ashley might have made a different choice. Perhaps somebody told her along the way that the source of her mother's problems were blacks who were on welfare and too lazy to work, or Hispanics who were coming into the country illegally. But she didn't. She sought out allies in her fight against injustice.

Anyway, Ashley finishes her story and then goes around the room and asks everyone else why they're supporting the campaign. They all have different stories and reasons. Many bring up a specific issue. And finally they come to this elderly black man who's been sitting there quietly the entire time. And Ashley asks him why he's there. And he does not bring up a specific issue. He does not say health care or the economy. He does not say education or the war. He does not say that he was there because of Barack Obama. He simply says to everyone in the room, "I am here because of Ashley.
"

"I'm here because of Ashley." By itself, that single moment of recognition between that young white girl and that old black man is not enough. It is not enough to give health care to the sick, or jobs to the jobless, or education to our children.

But it is where we start. It is where our union grows stronger. And as so many generations have come to realize over the course of the two-hundred and twenty one years since a band of patriots signed that document in Philadelphia, that is where the perfection begins.

Back to the School Biz

2008-08-27T19:59:00.001-04:00

I'm back in the Burgh....b/c of school, I'd should be writing more detailed updates considering I'm forced to stay still......

Stay Tuned....

Far Away From Home

2008-08-16T17:02:00.002-04:00

I finally have made my way back to Baltimore. My summer has been one hell of a fun filled adventure to say the least. Even though I discovered that Vegas was not the place for me, I must say that I greatly enjoyed the change of pace.

My last day in Vegas was August 9th. My last day at Harrah's Entertainment was on August 8th in which they gave me my review. And let me just say that I'M THE MOTHER FUCKING SHIT! I did not just get a good review...but my review was way above excellent. And yes I'm tooting my own horn...I've worked so hard and have earned the right to pat myself on the back.

My supervisor told me that in the workplace because of general office politics, employers/employees refrain from using words that over-emphasize your abilities in your written evaluation. But, he said that my performance was so outstanding that my co-workers could not help themselves. They usually refrain from using words like "phenomenal" or "highly recommend" as they did in my write up. The only criticisims that I received were that my attire was too fashion forward and that I needed to be more social. He told me that it's okay to be fashionable but I needed to dress more conservative. I kind of knew that I was going to get dinged for that especially since on many occasions I had my tattoo showing. I had to explain to him the whole social thing by telling him about the "black experience" and how blacks are so culturally different from whites that it's a bit of challenge for blacks to be themselves in a White America corporate environment. I was a little nervous about explaining this to him because discussing race in the workplace is considered taboo....but fuck what's taboo, I'm a black women and I feel the need to educate any and everybody about the black experience. That's the only way change will ever occur. When I was talking to my supervisor about the black experience he was suprisingly very cool and open with my straightforwardness.

So of course, now that I have a good review, they not only want me to return back to the company but they really want to work Corporate in Vegas. I do not think that I can permanently settle in Vegas so I asked them to see about getting me connections in Atlantic City. Vegas is a great place to vacation if you want to ball for a week and party...but living there is a completely different thing. Outside the strip, there is nothing but the desert. Vegas is a fairly new city so there is not much there. There is no real sense of culture. I never knew how important culture was to a location until I moved to Vegas. I figured that since Vegas has a substantial amount of Latinos, I would at least get to taste authentic Latin food. But Vegas has nothing but a bunch of food-chains like Mickey D's and Dell Taco. I also thought that since it's a sunny place, there would be cookouts all the time....but nooo, it's just too damn hot. Living in Vegas made me feel very isolated. I met a lot of people but it still felt like everyone was in there own little bubble. I'm used to standing in line somewhere and being able to talk to random people...or seeing strangers talk to strangers...but in Vegas, people do not do that. They all remain to themselves with their own thoughts in their own head. It's incredibly hard to connect with people. Someone who I met that was originally from Detroit told me that Baltimore is physically a hard city because people have to be able to hold their own physically...but Vegas is a mentally hard city in that making connections with people is close to impossible. I did not realize how much people need to connect with other people until I moved to Vegas. I have always loved the single life but while in Vegas, I was really bent on settling down and I was sooooo sexually frustrated. I think the whole settle down thing and the sexual frustration came from the extreme need to connect. All the interns where ready to leave Vegas by the end of the summer.

I also experienced the after shock of the earthquake that occurred in LA. I left Vegas with a bang by going to the Nas concert at Mandalay Bay's House of Blues. I'll say more about that in another entry because Nas is off the fucking chain...not just musically but politically.

By all means, Vegas is a great place, but only to visit. Vegas is not livable enough for me.

There are more stories to tell about Vegas but I will save them for later.

During my stay in Vegas, I took a trip to Los Angeles, CA. Los Angeles was soooooo chill. It make you realize just how stressed out people on the east coast are. I liked LA. The only thing I did not like was the fact that people were a little too pretentious. LA has a lot of skank Barbies. We visited Hermosa Beach and there were girls in expensive club outfits on the beach. I mean come on! Is it really that serious? Heels on the beach? I don't see why a top of the line bikini and some flip flops won't suffice.

After I left Vegas, I went to San Francisco to visit a friend. I love San Fran! I'll post pics soon and go in to more detail later.

Now I am back in Baltimore and I have never felt more restless. Within the first 24 hours of returning to Baltimore, I called a friend and started whining "I want to go Home!". He laughed and responded "What do you mean? You are home." I finally made it home and I never felt farther from it. Arriving in Baltimore is like an instant feeling of tension. I went from feeling carefree and happy to feeling incredibly annoyed, irked, and tense. And no one really had to say anything to me, it's just something that you can sense.

I was chillin with a group of what I like to call "'round the way" friends. I do not think I lasted a good three hours before I hopped the M1 and returned back to poppa dukes house.

(I'll finish later...off to the Stone Soul Picnic)

Living Out My Suitcase

2008-08-10T17:08:00.003-04:00

Just a very quick update....I'll give a more detailed one once I make it back to Baltimore....

As of now, I am currently in San Francisco, CA visiting a homegirl and I must say that San Francisco is thus far, the best city that I've been too. I absolutely love it here and I highly recommend that everyone visits at some point in time.

There has been so many changes in my life and as always I have so much to say and no time to say it. I get to Baltimore on the 13th and will be in town for 9-10 days before I'm off to the Burgh. I'll run a multi-page update then......

I feel so blessed. My career is taking off 100 times more than what I thought it would be. I had my evaluation on Friday since it was the last day of my internship and let me tell you....I'm about to be doing BIG things. My personal life, surprisingly, is very promising considering I haven't really given much time to it since I've been so focused on my career. My love life is FINALLY gradually headed in the right direction. I have had to cut off a lot of friends for various random reasons which I will update you on later. But, with all the people that I have recently cut off, I have been blessed enough to have so many fabulous people around me.

I'll expand on everything later...right now, I'm off to get a pedicure and randomly loose myself in a new city.

Stay Tuned!!!

A Little Stressed

2008-07-07T22:13:00.011-04:00

I initially intended to start my Storytime blog but once again time has slipped away from me. I really wish I had more time to put updates on my blogspot because this blog is not just for the fans but it's for me to remember alll the things that I have experienced...kind of like a photograph. I have so much to talk about but I guess it will have to wait.....

N e ways, I have been a little stressed out these days because I have four projects that I have to finish in four weeks. I do not even know how I am going to get it all done before I leave. It's a bit overwhelming. The computers at work crashed today so I was a bit upset since I have so much I need to get done. Boo. Three of the projects I'm pretty sure I can finish but I cannot get to them until I finish the fourthe project which is giving me a headache. They are letting me build a database to store their UNICA documentation. Building a database does not require high level computer science skills it's just tedious as hell. But it's definitely something I'm pushing myself through considering it's a good opportunity...it's kind of surreal to leave my mark on a Fortune 500 company.

I had a meeting today with a recruiter in HR and they really want me to come back. This keeps adding to the stress because I really want to go and get my MBA. But the longer I work here, the more I feel split down the middle. I think that I have finally made the decision to work after graduation for at least a year and then pursue my MBA. After all, an MBA is more valuable with work experience. In addition, that will cut some of the financial stress of getting through my last year of undergrad since I will not have outstanding application fees. I still will be taking the GMAT next month. The scores last for up to five years (I think). If I take it now, I will not have to worry about it later. In addition, it will motivate me to make sure I stay on track with getting a MBA.

I'll get a break shortly because my roommates birthday is coming up and we are suppose to go jetsking out Lake Mead.

N e ways...enough of the boring career talk (I think I'm starting to turn into a workaholic in that it's the only thing that's ever on my mind).....

I am still working on my book. It's been a while since I posted any new progress. That's mainly because I was not happy with the direction I was taking it. It sounded too prosey and lyrical. I want it to sound more disturbing, cynical, and intellectual. So within the last week, I have completely revamped it. I have pages of material written but I am only happy with about a page (I'm a bit OCD and a perfectionist when it comes to my work, I guess that's why I'm easily stressed by it). So without further ado...here is part of the introduction of my soon-to-be-novel revamped (just a side note, my tenses are lil off..will edit later):

Tentative Title: The Ingenious Mind of a Staged Schizophrenic

I thought the therapists would be my savior. I thought that they could help me. I thought that they could give me some understanding as to why things were the way they were. I wanted to stop escaping the world by living through other people's eyes. I wanted my perspective to take hold of the reality that was in front of me. I wanted to be free. Most importantly, I wanted them to tell me that I was crazy…to give me some reason for the disparity between me and everyone else. Diagnosis: Sane. Was I crazy or was I just a good actress?

I could not remember the last time I had sex. The likelihood of a repeat occurrance was an event that I had a hard time foreseeing in the future. The infinity of the idea left me bereft like a convict in a jail cell or a fiend without any money. I had tallied two-hundred days, thirteen hours, forty-five minutes, and forty-six seconds...I lay imprisoned in a jail graffitied with exactly eighteen million, two-hundred and eighty thousand, two-hundred and fourteen records. There had been a tally for every day, every hour, every minute, and every second. The only solace I had was my perverse imagination which, in the last couple of days, had been on vacation. Without a present love interest, who would I meet in the tryst of my dreams? The preoccupation had become an unappealing pastime yet it was a drug that I could not seem to abandon. The sordid amusement and fascination that I had with my own imagination was my sanity...or maybe it was my insanity, who knew. What I did know was that there was always a method to my madness, my actions, my thoughts, and my sudden indecision. That method was always sex. I had had an endless stream of shallow crushes even though I am not a girly-girl, I wanted to be in a monogamous relationship even though I am non-committal, women were becoming more appealing even though I am homophobic, and I wanted to be a Madonna-whore even though whores are maggot-infested rats who should be put in concentration camps. It appeared that I was an empty vessel of contradictions. I blamed it on my vajayjay. She is the most demanding bitch that I know. All of it was of her defect. I did everything for her. I washed her when she was dirty. I gave her weekly shape-ups. I even massaged her when she was feeling down. Her demands are incessant as an inquistive child. She requires constant feeding since, as a child, she lacks the capabilities of feeding herself. And let me tell you, at the time, this bitch was definitely starving. All she needed was a pacifier to keep her from whining.

I have always thought that I was one with upstanding morale. But as I become more acquainted with my personal dispositions, I realized that I am more concerned with consequences rather than ridgidly upholding civil and moral law. I have always been that untamed, unbridled horse who needs the boundaries instituted by my captives to keep from breeding a stampede and running a muck. Or maybe I am more like a black widow patiently and diligently spinning a calculated web of chaos in order to attack my prey. Lately I feel most akin to Lewis Carroll's Cheshire. Whatever analogy I seem to fit, the point is, criminal thoughts enter my mind on a daily basis. Criminal psychology suggests that the habit is perfectly normal. What is abnormal are those who coincide their immoral thoughts with their actions. It kind of makes you wonder what people think about at night. What type of thoughts do people have when they are between being awake and being asleep? Who are they when they linger between consciousness and unconsciousness? What do people think about in the recesses, in that remote and distant place?

It is my belief that it is during this phenomenon that people are one-hundred percent themselves. It is probably the only place where people are comfortable to walk around totally naked like Eve in the Garden of Eden standing next to the gallows of original sin. I am a recent follower of Pelagianism. Accordingly, my belief is that each individual is a living and breathing pedulum who must decide the course of their own deliverance. Each individual presides over their own Eden and subsequently, must either choose to be comfortable in their own skin or seek the glorification of being a god. It is the will of Yahweh to lay exposed. Who am I to go against instinct? Malefactors are those who cover-up, who lie. They are those who eventually hang themselves from the Tree of Knowledge. Those who lay naked eat from the Tree of Life.

I am one who has always lived and breathed in the world between the recesses. I unapologetically wear my brain on my sleeves. It is nowonder why to many I am deemed heartless. Of course I beg to differ. After all, what is a heart without a brain? It is a basic part of human functionality. Neither can work without the other. Therefore, I am simultaneously both rational and sensitive. I am both serious and simple. I am a cynical optimist or rather, an optimistic cynic. The irony behind my disposition is what brands me a realist or rather, a surrealist. It is what makes me more human than anyone else...or maybe more non-human since humanity implies imperfection and inhumanity implies callousness. Callousness is far from my nature. It is integrity that steers me. And to uphold integrity, I must be blatant enough to admit that I am constantly fondled by thoughts of sex and I regularly wish I could make people tap dance to a BB gun when they trouble me with trifles.

My nature may seem rather brusque...but what else is there to be expected from a girl-woman from the ghetto? What else is there to be expected from a girl-woman who has evolved from mixed worlds, who has lost her since of place, whose life is based on surrealism?

The Journey Continues

2008-07-05T22:46:00.002-04:00

I am a person who absolutely loves to travel. Of course I am always amazed at how much people and places differ so vastly from one place to another even when they are only a few hours away from each other. I always experience culture shock wherever I go but it's a shock and thrill that I live for. I love the newness of some place different even though I get weirded out by that fact that it's far from what I'm used to. It's funny b/c I live around other interns that have traveled to Europe and other places outside the US but they classify me as a "traveler" even though I have not been to places as exotic as they have. I think it is because I travel more often and stay much longer than most...and I usually do it independently without family. I tend to emmerse myself in a whole new set of friends as opposed to clinging on to the ones I travel with or the ones from home. According to them, I am extremely adaptable to my surroundings and I have something about me that makes every place that I go to home. I have grown to become a person that literally lives out my suitcase and always has my bags packed ready to find the next adventure. I guess that "something about me" thing that they were talking about is probably the fact that I'm just a restless person. They probably can sense my inability to sit still. In addition, I always have some ludacris story to tell about some random event that happened which leaves most people amazed at how varied and interesting my life is. I need to start carrying a video recorder with me b/c while reminicing with some friends, I realized that there are so many stories that I completely forgot about and have not recorded on my blog. Many of them are too detailed to write about on blogspot given the little amount of time I usually alot myself to write. But as I always say IT'S BEEN ONE HELL OF A RIDE!

Reminicing about those stories sheds a whole new perspective on my life. Yes there have been many, many trials but my life has been filled with so many experiences that most people can only dream of. Because of this I decided that in conjunction to Getting In My Head and Ghettology 101, I would also begin a blog entitled "Storytime" where I'll retell a random event that has happened to me. I'll probably do my first Storytime entry tomorrow when I have more time but until then I'll just write a quick update.....

Well, this weekend was the first time that I visited Los Angeles, California. Me and my roommate decided that we wanted to spend 4th of July in LA instead of Vegas since Vegas is incredibly too hot and we wanted to avoid the crazy influx of tourist (we feel like locals now). We also was craving the beach. I wasn't in LA long enough to give it a yay or nay. But it seems like a place that I would not mind living in (aside from the risk of earthquakes). LA is definitely a whole different place. The culture there is very different from any place that I have ever been to. I'll go into detail about my first impressions of LA soon but for the sake of time, I'll just say that LA has made a good impression on me as opposed to Vegas which to whom I have a love/hate relationship with.

There is so much to say and so litttle time to say but a detailed update will be coming soom as well as pics.....

Stay Tuned

Lata Bitches!

Like Fine Wine: Growing Wiser, Growing Better

2008-06-30T00:28:00.005-04:00

As I mentioned in my last entry regarding my personal life, I am beginning to feel more settled. I guess this is mainly due to the fact that I am advancing further in my career than I expected and so now I need to start making moves toward the next step in my life. I do not know why I am so surprised about how far I have come but the truth is, all the blessings that I recently been receiving have always seemed so far away.

Of course the next step for me is grad school. It's something that I keep bringing up so I am sure you are tired of reading about it but bare with me as I go through the grad app process. I brought my remaining study materials for the GMAT today and plan to take the test in mid-August when I return to Baltimore. I really do not feel like going through the application process because, as always, I am tired of pushing myself. A bitch is fuckin tired especially since I more independent then I ever been in my entire life (has to do with the fam situation). But grad school is definitely the last stretch...then it is off to make my money. I know that my career is secure and the hustle is just about over. I'm still intending on encounter obstacles but I know that I will not be phased by them. After 4th of July weekend (I plan on being in L.A. for the holiday), there will be little weekend partying for me since I have to buckle down and study for this thing. I probably will not have the stamina to study after work on the weekdays so I will have to give up my weekends.

Even though grad school is the obvious next step for me it is not the event that I feel that I need to plan for. I have already planned for it and now it is time to carry everything out. Now that my career is at a place that I can be unnerved about, I can finally start giving more attention to my personal relationships. I used to always feel like I would have to give up my career in order to maintain a fulfilling personal life but I'm quickly learning that giving up certain aspects of my career is not that big of a deal. I have always felt that there wouldn't be anyway to maintain a relationship at this point in my life because I do not know where I was going to end up after grad school and I could not see myself sacrificing a sexy job offer for a significant other.

Nowadays, that is not the case. After being so far from home, I am realizing the value of having a familiar face around you. Making friends has never been a problem for me but making the RIGHT friends seems to be an obstacle. I am finally ready to share my life with someone. I am finally prepared to TRULY let someone in.

My nephews and niece have provided me the greatest lessons regarding love. You do not learn about love through endless relationships with the opposite sex. The best lessons regarding love is learned through children. It is as unconditional as love comes. If you can not find it in your heart to uncondionally and fully love a child, more than likely, you are a person who will never fully love anyone. My theory may be completely wrong, but that is what it seems like to me.

In the five and a half weeks that I have been in Vegas, I learned that it is just impossibly too damn hard to be this far away from my nephews and niece. It's driving me crazy. I think about them every second of everyday. I can see myself sacraficing a very lucrative job offer so that I can be closer to my nephews and niece. And I have been making plans to rearrange my life just in case I have to get custody of them. They are the only people that I have ever really been "in love" with. No other person on this earth and in my life has ever made me feel this unselfish (I am generally not a selfish person but when it comes to my career I am no-holds-bar). From this experience, I have learned that this is the way I should feel about a man....and that is how I will begin to judge anyone who I plan to build a life with...being such a career-oriented person, I know that I have truly fallin for a person if I can see me making this same type of sacrifice. No one has even come close to fitting this bill....but I'm optimistic. Once again, like all steps in my life, patience is my biggest enemy. I want everything NOW.

I have fully given up habitual dating. I used to think that habitual dating was a good way to find someone. The theory behind it was that I thought that by dating multiple people at a time, you can go through more of what you don't want so you can be one step closer to what you do want. But I am quickly learning that habitual dating is just step one to the process. Habitual dating allows you to figure out what you want and what works for you. You get to see what type of personalities you click with and which ones will cause you to go to be someone's cell mate. I have been habitual dating for a while, so I have a good idea of what I want and what works for me.

So on to step two....step two is to date one person at a time. Because I know what I want and what works for me, I can recognize a potential partner within seconds of meeting them. The purpose of dating them would not to get to know what works for me. Rather, the purpose of dating them would truly be to get to know them and see how far we can make our relationship grow. That is hard to do with multiple people in the picture. That also is what makes it so hard to open up. When you deal with multiple people, the only way to maintain your center is to hold back. Letting go with too many people will obviously leave you lost, confused, and inevitably standing knee deep in shit. Even when dealing with Mr. Snake Guy, from day one, I always dated multiple people (I did not sleep with any of them tho). In the past I use to think "why is it so hard to find what I am looking for?" but I am learning that it was not until a couple months ago where I realized that I did not know what I was looking for.

In my past entries I have consistently focused on external factors affecting how you go about choosing the right partner (i.e. how you know if he is a dog type stuff)....now I think it is time that I focus on internal ones (i.e. how you know if you are relationship ready). Maybe women attract the wrong man because we ourselves are the wrong woman. Maybe we need to change our own internal mannerisms to find what we ideally dream of. I'm not saying this is true, it's just a thought that I am currently entertaining and in the future will explore in more detail.

Well...it's getting late...I will try to update more often....

The Gig In Vegas

2008-06-17T20:03:00.010-04:00

Sorry folks! It’s been awhile since I have updated my journal. I have been busy getting settled with the new gig here in Las Vegas.

There is a lot to update everyone on regarding the last three plus weeks so I apologize in advance for the lengthy entry. Without further ado, I introduce to you my new (but temporary) life in Las Vegas, NV:

First Impressions:

Initially when I first came to Vegas I was not that impressed. Everything seemed like a bunch of hype. Because I am staying in a conference and intern housing facility, I have been fortunate enough to not have to overcome the trying task of finding friends. Everyone living around me are interns who are primarily new to Vegas and are far from home. We all kind of stick together, go out together, etc. My floor in particular, houses Harrah’s Entertainment interns as well as interns from MGM. When I first arrived in intern housing, I was the only Harrah’s intern so it was kind of weird because the MGM interns seem kind of resentful toward Harrah’s employees. Harrah’s is a bigger/financially more successful company than MGM so it makes sense why they are so competitive with us. However, these MGM interns in particular seem a little too standoffish. They will say hi to you and everything but beyond that, they stick with their own kind. Harrah’s employees will play with any and everybody. Lol.

As I said, I was the first Harrah’s intern to arrive in Las Vegas this summer. Therefore, when I “popped my cherry” on Las Vegas Boulevard, a.k.a. The Strip, I went with the group from MGM. Let’s just say like most “loosing your virginity” experiences, visiting The Strip for the first time was awkward, uncomfortable, and a little painful. We had VIP to club Privè but it really did not do us any good because the bouncers kept hassling us for money before we could get up to the actual club. One bouncer would ask us for $25.00 a head while another was trying to get $50.00 a head. There was not any line…there were just a mad mob of people trying to push their way to the front to get into the club. Everyone was literally packed like sardines.

Needless to say, we did not go to Privè since the bouncers were being overly ridiculous. Instead, we made our way to Risque which is a club located in Paris.

Before I continue, I’ll give a brief overview for all those who are not familiar with the Las Vegas Strip. The Strip is the place that everyone comes to visit when they visit Las Vegas. The Strip is what everyone makes all the fuss about. It consists of an endless number of elaborate looking hotels. Each hotel is like its own town….there are millions of restaurants, shops, clubs, museums, theatres, and casinos in each one among other things. The point of each hotel is to make it so that you will never feel the desire to leave due to the fact that they want you to keep playing at the casino so they can keep making money. They also do not have any windows or clocks in the hotels because they want you to play so much that you loose track of time. Harrah’s in particular, owns and operates Caesar’s Palace, Bally’s, the Flamingo, Harrah’s, the Rio, Imperial Palace, and Paris (they have other properties nationally and internationally I just listed the ones in Vegas). Each hotel has uniqueness and a theme. For instance, New York New York (I think is owned by MGM) is built like a miniature New York. The hotel is shaped like the Towers and has a statue of liberty (it’s huge). Paris has an Eiffel Tower and has a French theme. You get the picture. For all you east coasters, it’s like Disney World meets Atlantic City. So anyways….back to the story…..

I was not really feeling Risque…the reason why I was not feeling Risque is the same reason why I subsequently was not feeling any of the clubs that I visited thereafter. I’m not really a club person in general but Las Vegas clubs are P.I.M.P.s. They are not about making an enjoyable customer experience. Rather, they are strictly about making money. Most of the clubs do not have spacious dance floors. The dance floors are barely the size of two cubicles. The majority of the clubs consist of VIP couches/sections that you have to pay $350.00+ for. Basically you have to pay just to sit down. Who comes to the club to sit anyways? People come to dance so the dance floors should be bigger. Especially since Las Vegas is a top international destination. You can not even dance on the dance floors because it is just incredibly too crowded. The only thing you can do in most Vegas clubs is stand and look pretty and hope that you are cool and pretty enough to be asked to chill in VIP with a group of rich, white, middle-aged men. Or if you are a guy, hope that you are with a group of girls who are cool and pretty enough to be asked to chill in VIP with a group of rich, white, middle-aged men. And….the drinks are expensive as hell. Ladies, do not go to a Vegas club expecting that you will not have to spend your own money. The only type of guys who can afford to buy you a drink are true ballers…but most of them are married with kids…and old and gross. Your best bet is to get into someone’s VIP table. I think it’s all a ploy to keep you running back to the casino.

Since I’ve been here, other clubs that I have visited have been Tao at the Venetian (absolutely gorgeous but once again no dance room), LAX at Luxor (the worst of all of them, no dance floor, just a bunch of walk ways that everyone attempts to use as a dance floor), Pure at Caesars (supposedly the most popular club, it’s absolutely gorgeous, big dance floors but they let too many people in so everyone is still packed like sardines, it’s the home of the Pussycat Doll Lounge), Poetry at Caesars (I actually liked this one!), RumJungle at Monaray Bay (I liked this one too!). I think Atlanta has clubs that are more my taste because they are classy and unpretentious. Vegas is all about the flashing lights.

Even though I’m not a big fan of the club scene here, I really enjoy the weather. If you are a person who cannot stand the heat, then it is best that you get out the kitchen because Vegas is hot as hell. No exaggeration. It is truly the desert. When the wind blows it feels like you are blowing your face with a hairdryer. I’m a person who loves the heat so I really have no qualms. I think the weather and landscape of the Las Vegas desert is beautiful. The temperature is beginning to exceed 11O so I’ll probably be complaining in a couple of weeks…but until then, I’m enjoying the sunshine.

If you are a good looking girl, it is pretty easy to get VIP or guestlists access anywhere in Vegas. I got me and my roommate into Caesars Venus Swimclub....it is a European-style pool area (meaning it's topless...but not rounchy) that has cabanas, beds/couches by the pool, massage service, and some fine ass cabana boys. It was definitely a glimpse of what life will be like for me and a few short years. It was upscale, relaxing, and chill....words cannot even describe it. Of course I could not order anything because it was expensive as hell...and I sure did not have enough money to rent a cabana or bed by the pool....but in time, in time.

I also like the shows. I have only been to two shows so far. I have not seen any of the big name ones yet. I get a few company perks so I have not had to pay for any shows. The last show that I saw was Chippendale’s. Let me just say…my oh my! What I wouldn’t do to sop one of those men up with a biscuit! They called me up to volunteer to go on stage. Yes, yes…I was groped and stroked by the hot, sexy men of Chippendales. Me and my homegirls had a blast!

Speaking of homegirls, when the other Harrah’s interns did arrive, we all cliqued up right away. We also made friends with some of the other interns who work for other hotels (besides MGM). We have a good group going. Everyone is fun and chill…and most importantly, everyone knows how to embrace and have a sense humor about themselves. It’s interesting to see the different types of personalities that each company has. It really seems that each company hires a certain personality type. Harrah’s tends to hire people who have a sports/entertainment marketing background so that’s why everyone is so fun and chill. MGM tends to hire people who have a hospitality management background so they are a little less open.

The Gig:

I LOVE working at Harrah’s. There is so much room for upward mobility and they are really dedicated to making my internship a live in classroom. I have learned so much and I have not been here that long. I tend to be really rebellious so I was a little nervous about whether or not I could fit into a large corporation. I think the most important lesson that I will take with me regarding my career is that most big companies are built because of rebellious people. They are people who seek change and test their limitations. The mega-corporate world is definitely a place that I feel perfectly at home in.

I have been doing very well at my internship. I am pleasantly and surreally surprising my own self. I have always known that I was smart but I did not know just how smart. I have been getting so much kudos that I really want to pinch myself.

I think that there are a total of five corporate interns this summer. We have had presentations with three VPs since I have been here. They have given us more than valuable career information and have made us privy to confidential company information. We also got to meet with the CIO and he seemed very impressed by me. He gave me kudos at the end of his presentation and said that I’d be great at analytics and he looks forward to see where I can help take the company. I was floored because in our discussion at our presentation I wasn’t sure if I sounded smart or absolutely stupid. Especially since he was discussing IT and I am the only intern in marketing (the other interns are IT interns).

The Marketing and IT departments are closely related at my job so it is definitely a new experience. I am definitely gaining an additional skill set that will hopefully make me more competitive in the future. I’m gaining a good technical background that most marketers never have. I would give more details about the job but, I’m not sure just how much I can talk about via the internet without violating confidentiality. So to be on the safe side, I’ll keep it to a bare minimum since I work in one of the departments concerning company strategy.

The only downside is that I’m not allowed to gamble in any of the Harrah’s casinos up to 6 months after my termination. They do not allow employees to gamble on their properties because if an employee were to win a jackpot, they fear they will loose a substantial amount of customers because the company may be viewed as being “rigged”. That sucks for me because the only casinos that I would really want to gamble at are those owned by Harrah’s. If I were a gambler, my dominant property would probably be Caesars Palace (I spend the majority of my Las Vegas life there). That’s why I decided to work for them. I like the Venetian and the Bellegio but, they are way too expensive. The lowest amount you can bet per hand in table games there is like $25 at the Venetian and $100 at the Bellegio.

It’s weird because I’m beginning to understand why people do not discuss their salaries and the like with other people. Every single person that I know, prior to graduating undergrad is usually proud to share just how much they make…or at least, will volunteer a ball park figure. But doing that is definitely walkin a thin and awkward line once you get into the real world.

As I said, I live with a bunch of interns who also work for Harrah's Entertainment, Inc. Out of the group who lives at UNLV, I am the only Corporate intern. The other interns are Public Relations interns at the Rio for WSOP (World Series of Poker Tournament). Thus far, I have received more perks than they have and it’s a little awkward when they find out. I think only two or three of them (out of fourteen) know about the few corporate perks and I think only one of them knows how much I make (which to me is not that high). My stipend alone was almost 4 times more than theirs…it was enough to pay my entire rent for the summer.

I’m finally glad to be around people who also have that hustle in them. When I first got here, I only had $50.00 in my pocket. The HR department had my paperwork sent to the wrong office so I did not receive my stipend until after I got here. Therefore, money was spent for moving my things and airfare. I had to tough it out for the first week and a half that I was here because my funds were incredibly low. Of course, I could not rely on the family to help me out (will update you on that story later). I was not the only person in this predicament. Pretty much all the interns were financially struggling the first couple of weeks (of course they had their fam tho). Some of them are still struggling because they get paid less and have to worry about rent (amongst other things like food).

It has been hard to really explore Las Vegas since I’m here to work as opposed to vacation. As with all jobs, by time you get off, all you want to do is go to sleep. And because the money I’m making is already spent, I really do not have the funds to go out like I want to. I still have to pay last spring semester’s remaining tuition balance and I am saving up so I can apply for grad school and take the GMAT. I already ordered my materials to study for the GMAT. That’s another reason why I cannot go out like that. I plan on taking the GMAT during the second or third week of August. I heard that it is pretty hard so I want to start studying now. It is going to cost me close to $1000.00 to apply to grad school since most grad applications are $150 - $250. They recommend that you apply to 6-8 schools. I know about three or four of the schools that I plan to apply to offer fee waivers if you are coming straight from undergrad. I’m going to personally contact the remaining schools and see if I can get them to do the same thing.

Speaking of grad school, I am starting to really sell myself the idea of going to the London School of Business. Two years overseas would probably be so much fun and really rewarding in some shape or form. I’m not sure if I can do that over-the-water plane ride though. It is only a five hour plane ride so I’ll get through it…that is if I get accepted and if I can find the funds to go.

Grad schools want their students to come in with the mindset of making a contribution to research regarding their field of study. I’m just into the fourth week of my internship and already I have a good number of research ideas to hint at in my application/interview. One I know is a winner. I think I can definitely utilize all the things that I’m learning here at Harrah’s to make a competitive application…esp. since I do not necessarily have the grades.

I’m also starting to sell myself the idea of Harvard. I have always been obsessed with going to Northwestern but because Harvard tends to be generous with funding minorities, I think if I get into there, my finances will be more doable. I just have to figure out a way to come up with one hell of an appealing application. I was a little worried as to whether or not I would be able to get into grad school, but the longer I work at this gig in Vegas, the more confident I’m becoming. Primarily because they are handing me the tools to succeed.

I think based on all the kudos I have been receiving, I think that it is safe to assume that there is a future here for me at Harrah’s. They have already asked me to help with recruitment for this upcoming fall semester and I think they are hoping to hire me upon graduation. If they do plan on hiring me upon my graduation, I have a tough decision to make that’s for sure. Harrah’s pays very well and it’s an extremely good gig to have but….I really want to have a MBA. I guess it would be a good idea for me to inquire as to whether or not they pay for grad school…or least help subsidize it. If they do, that would be perfect. Of course that may mean that I will not be able to go to London. If they do not pay for my MBA, I am just going to have to pass up the opportunity to work with them. Knowing me, I’m going to go get my MBA. If I do not get into one of my top choice MBA programs, then I will certainly go gain some work experience with Harrah’s and then reapply for my MBA in two years.

Regardless, after I get my MBA, I plan on coming back to Harrah’s. They have programs here for MBA students and because I am working here now, I’m pretty sure there will not be a problem with me coming back…that is, if I keep doing well.

Relocation?:

Of course with all this talk about my career there lies the great possibility that I will end up in Vegas. I’m not sure if I’ve completely warmed up to the idea. Ideally, I want to live in South Eastern United States (i.e. GA, SC, NC, FL, LA) or California. I love Las Vegas but I cannot see me settling down here permanently. The weather seems like it is pretty nice all year round except mid-June – July….it’s just incredibly too hot. Temperatures get up around 115.

The worst part about Vegas that has left the most disdainful taste in my mouth is the men. OMG! They are sooooo sketchy. I figured that Vegas men would not be a problem since I’m from crazy ass Baltimore but let me tell you….Vegas men are a whole other type of crazy. They are crazy2. The first week that I was here, I was stopped by a pimp…AT 6:30 IN THE MORNING! He looked like Fat Joe…a bald, fat, Latino that was iced out from head to toe driving a decked out SUV. To top it all off was his thick, white-rimmed, pimp glasses. About three times since then I have been approached by guys who apparently were under the impression that I was a hooker in a business suit while on my way to my actual daytime job. Apparently a BLACK WOMAN WHO WALKS W/ CONFIDENCE = HOOKER in this town.

These guys are doable given the fact that I just keep walking and minding my own business but then there are the stalkers. Just the other day I was leaving Best Buy and decided to stop at Walgreens before catching the bus back home. While I was walking up the street, this dude stops in the middle of traffic and asks me for a ride. I did my usual thing and told him that I was good (not a big deal right?). Up ahead was a fast food place. As I was walking past the fast food place this same guy was waiting in the parking lot waiting for me to pass by. He started calling for me out his window. I kept walking (still not a big deal). So I walked a little while longer just to see this same dude sitting in the grass a long the sidewalk waiting for me. He introduced himself. I tried to be as rude as possible but he still insisted on following me to Walgreens. He followed me around the whole time I was in Walgreens and followed me out the door. I proceeded to walk home and decided I did not want to sit and wait for the bus given the fact that I did not want to have to chitchat with crazy guy. As I’m walking, this guys car pulls behind me and proceeds to follow me all the rest of the way home…holding up traffic and begging me to talk to him. When we are a little around the corner, he stops his car and gets out and tries to wipe my juicestache off my face.

I did not know how to respond. I thought if I was too mean he might get angry and become overly aggressive and I was too nice then he might look at that as an invitation to get overly aggressive. Since I watch a lot of AE, I just did one of the things that they recommend people to do when they encounter crazies. I started asking him questions about himself. Some how I talked him to letting me see his license (I wanted to get his info just in case he did anything else that was psychotic). After I parted with him, I walked up to the front of the intern housing building only to see him standing there. He asked me if I had a roommate. I told him that I had a roommate and that my roommate was a big black man. Then this fool grabbed me and tried to kiss me. I pushed him off of me and ran into the building. The first thing that I did when I got upstairs was try to figure out where I could buy some mace.

The other thing that would keep from staying in Vegas long term is that there isn’t anywhere for me to get my hair done. Every hair place that I’ve gone thus far usually tells me that I have to go somewhere else because they “do not do black hair”. It reminded me of all the stories before the 60s’ that I’ve heard. They might as well put signs on the door that say NO BLACKS ALLOWED. The salons I’ve tried to get my hair done at have a mix of black, white, and latino hairdressers so I do not understand why they will not do black hair…and it’s not like I live in the suburban part of Vegas…I live in the center of the city.

I did find a salon that offered to do my hair….but the problem was not that they would not do it, the problem was that they could not do it. I figured that since all the hairdressers in there were gay, they probably knew what they were doing. By time the creepy, gay white hairdresser finished my hair, it looked like I had a birds nest sitting on top of my head. I looked at him like “there is no way I can go outside looking like this”. Thankfully for me…and even more importantly, thankfully for him (because I was really pissed)…the gay, black guy just happened to walk in and he was able to rectify the situation and hook me up.

The gay white guy was really nice but he was soooo creepy. He kept repeating after himself and every thing he repeated he would whisper. For instance he would say something like “OMG, your hair is soooo beautiful”. Then he would whisper consecutively after that “so beautiful, so beautiful, so beautiful, so beautiful”. He did that with practically everything he said.

Vegas is definitely a creep fest.

Personal Life:

1) Friends

With all this focus on my career, I must say that sadly my personal life has taken a drastic back seat. Even though I have friends here in Vegas, the fact that they all work together for WSOP PR and I’m the only one in Corporate creates a slight disconnect. Work with no play is definitely lonely…but it’s necessary for the time being. As much as I would like to play on the Vegas merry-go-round, I have to constantly remind myself that I am here on an internship and I’m not on vacation. There is plenty of time for me to have fun later….especially since I’ll have serious bank. Right now, it is all about discipline and productivity.

2) Love Life

Hahaha…the only update that I have for this is that I really do not have a love life at the moment. In the past I have been a flirty, habitual dater but recently I have just been chillin. I have not been proactive about this aspect of my life at all in months. Mainly because I have become career obsessed. I have not decided if it is a healthy or unhealthy obsession. I’m too preoccupied right now to give any one person my undivided attention. I barely can give myself the attention that I need right now.

I am however beginning to feel more settled. There is so much more that I want to do in my life and I’m reaching the point when those things are becoming more feasible for me to do. The problem is that I want to be able to do them with someone or people that I truly care about…and not just random people who just happen to be around me at the moment. I’m not trying to be cocky or anything…but on the real, I’m a hard act to follow so it’s been hard for me to really find people who are on my level who are not over the age of 35. There are things that I am capable of doing now that I have yet to do simply because I have to find anybody that I really want to do those things with.

On top of everything….I grew up in Niggerville but I’ve been traveling these past couple of years in Honkyland. Most of the time, I feel like a mixed kid….you have a hard time relating to niggas because you are too much like a honky and you have a hard time relating to honkies because you are too much like a nigga…..It’s no wonder that the majority of the guys that I end up liking are halfies (half-black with something else)…or are at least in a similar position like myself.

I do not feel bad about not being able to pay attention to this part of my life because I no I can turn it on and off when I please. Staying single has been a choice. I have not really found anyone who I’m really feeling like that…except one…but I’ll save that story for a later date (refer to my last Getting In My Head entry).

It’s not only about meeting the right person, but it is also about meeting someone who is romantically balanced. By that I mean, someone who is not overly defensive or overly unguarded with their emotions. It’s best to have someone who is in between. Most of the guys that I meet usually end up at one of these extremes.....which in turn just makes me end up at one of these extremes (usually the opposite one that he is at).

3) Family

Well there is so much to say about family……You would think that the older I get and the older the members in my family get that common sense would eventually start knocking at the door. But such is not the case. Common sense has officially left the building, boarded a boat, and buried itself at sea. Common sense keeps testing my gangster because all the people who lack it are two seconds a way from getting knocked the fuck out!

The stories going on now surrounding my family are too complicated for me to take the time to detail them in my blog. However, I would like to take the time to say something about my younger sister. I find that when I talk about my sister I tend to use the phrase “I love my sister but….” a good majority of the time. It is getting to the point where I can barely even say that.

My sister is slowly making her way onto my “Okey-doke” list. The “Okey-doke” list is my personal equivalent to a blacklist. The only difference is that I do not turn away from people who are on my list. Rather, when I do have an encounter with them I just give them the okey-doke, pretend that I have no clue what’s going on, nod and smile, then go about my business. Even though I tend to approach them lightheartedly, in the back of my mind it’s taking every bit of me not to charge out and attack. I’m a person who if I react to you then I probably give a shit about you (be it a good or bad reaction)…if I don’t react to you, it’s a good sign that I really could care less about you.

Surprisingly, my Okey-doke list is rather small and does not include any family members….but it seems that my sister (as well as my mother) is attempting to break that record…..actually, I have to correct myself. I forgot that there are currently two other family members on the Okey-doke list…but they are not close enough to me to be relevant.

All the people who have known my sister since she was younger are fully aware of the fact that she is a pathological liar. For someone who honors integrity, I absolutely abhor liars. They are the worst breed of people. There is the difference between people who fib and people who lie. There is an even bigger difference between people who lie and people who make an incessant habit of lying. The later are those who I absolutely have no tolerance for. They are the people who when they talk or say something I just respond and say “for real girl, I know right”.

People who lie know they ain’t shit. That’s why they lie because they have to compensate for how painful the truth is.

It is to the point now that every time I’m in my sister’s presence, all I’m hoping is that her face will accidentally run into my fist. Every time she spits a lie out her mouth, it really takes every bone in my body not to just knock her out or go off.

I know that I’m being harshly blunt in the way that I’m criticizing my sister, and normally I try to sugarcoat things when I talk about her to be nice, but….this is what happens when you make my Okey-doke list. Some things are what they are…so why sugarcoat it. And the fact is, there is something seriously fucked up about her. The sooner she hears it, the better.

The thing that angers me moreso than her lying is the fact that she is a sorry excuse for a mother. Nothing gets under my skin more than a mother who does not take of her kids. Especially if they are kids who I personally love and adore. When I was staying with her over the course of my spring break and the couple days I was in Baltimore before I came to Vegas, she barely fed her kids. It’s one thing to not give your kids any type of attention, it’s a whole different thing to not feed them.

From the looks of it, it seems like her 1^st baby daddy’s parents are trying to get custody of Jelauni and Aniyah. I do not know for sure but I’ve known my sister long enough to know that there is something more than what she is telling me concerning her kids. There is no reason why my sister only sees them every Tuesday and Friday other than the other grandparents are thinking of taking custody. If that is the case, my sister does not even seem like she is trying to do anything to ensure that that doesn’t happen. She’s not working (although she lied about that to me) and she does not make any effort to do right by her kids.

Before I left for Vegas, Aniyah had a 102 degree fever and my sister decides that it was a good idea to go out and get high. I felt the need to stay with Aniyah while she was sick and that’s not even my child. On top of that, every time me and her chill with people from back at home…she is the pretty much the only chickenhead who has her kids with her. Who brings their kids to a party? If you cannot find a babysitter, then maybe you should stay in the house…for the sake of your kids.

12 Things the Negro Must Do To Improve Himself

2008-05-21T14:51:00.002-04:00

“12 Things The Negro Must Do To Improve Himself
by Nannie Helen Burroughs”, 1900

1. The Negro Must Learn To Put First Things First. The First Things Are: Education; Development of Character Traits; A Trade and Home Ownership.

* The Negro puts too much of his earning in clothes, in food, in show and in having what he calls “a good time.” The Dr. Kelly Miller said, “The Negro buys what he WANTS and begs for what he Needs.” Too true!

2. The Negro Must Stop Expecting God and White Folk To Do For Him What He Can Do For Himself.

* It is the “Divine Plan” that the strong shall help the weak, but even God does not do for man what man can do for himself. The Negro will have to do exactly what Jesus told the man (in John 5: to do–Carry his own load–”Take up your bed and walk.”

3. The Negro Must Keep Himself, His Children And His Home Clean And Make The Surroundings In Which He Lives Comfortable and Attractive.

*He must learn to “run his community up”–not down. We can segregate by law, we integrate only by living. Civilization is not a matter of race; it is a matter of standards. Believe it or not–some day, some race is going to outdo the Anglo-Saxon, completely. It can be the Negro race, if the Negro gets sense enough. Civilization goes up and down that way.

4. The Negro Must Learn To Dress More Appropriately For Work And For Leisure.

* Knowing what to wear–how to wear it–when to wear it and where to wear it, are earmarks of common sense, culture and also an index to character.

5. The Negro Must Make His Religion An Everyday Practice And Not Just A Sunday-Go-To-Meeting Emotional Affair.

6. The Negro Must Highly Resolve To Wipe Out Mass Ignorance.

* The leaders of the race must teach and inspire the masses to become eager and determined to improve mentally, morally and spiritually, and to meet the basic requirements of good citizenship.

* We should initiate an intensive literacy campaign in America, as well as in Africa. Ignorance–satisfied ignorance–is a millstone abut the neck of the race. It is democracy’s greatest burden.

* Social integration is a relationship attained as a result of the cultivation of kindred social ideals, interests and standards.

* It is a blending process that requires time, understanding and kindred purposes to achieve. Likes alone and not laws can do it.

7. The Negro Must Stop Charging His Failures Up To His “Color” And To White People’s Attitude.

* The truth of the matter is that good service and conduct will make senseless race prejudice fade like mist before the rising sun.

* God never intended that a man’s color shall be anything other than a badge of distinction. It is high time that all races were learning that fact. The Negro must first QUALIFY for whatever position he wants. Purpose, initiative, ingenuity and industry are the keys that all men use to get what they want. The Negro will have to do the same. He must make himself a workman who is too skilled not to be wanted, and too DEPENDABLE not to be on the job, according to promise or plan. He will never become a vital factor in industry until he learns to put into his work the vitalizing force of initiative, skill and dependability. He has gone “RIGHTS” mad and “DUTY” dumb.

8. The Negro Must Overcome His Bad Job Habits.

* He must make a brand new reputation for himself in the world of labor. His bad job habits are absenteeism, funerals to attend, or a little business to look after. The Negro runs an off and on business. He also has a bad reputation for conduct on the job–such as petty quarrelling with other help, incessant loud talking about nothing; loafing, carelessness, due to lack of job pride; insolence, gum chewing and–too often–liquor drinking. Just plain bad job habits!

9. He Must Improve His Conduct In Public Places.

* Taken as a whole, he is entirely too loud and too ill-mannered.

* There is much talk about wiping out racial segregation and also much talk about achieving integration.

* Segregation is a physical arrangement by which people are separated in various services.

* It is definitely up to the Negro to wipe out the apparent justification or excuse for segregation.

* The only effective way to do it is to clean up and keep clean. By practice, cleanliness will become a habit and habit becomes character.

10. The Negro Must Learn How To Operate Business For People–Not For Negro People, Only.

* To do business, he will have to remove all typical “earmarks,” business principles; measure up to accepted standards and meet stimulating competition, graciously–in fact, he must learn to welcome competition.

11. The Average So-Called Educated Negro Will Have To Come Down Out Of The Air. He Is Too Inflated Over Nothing.

* Otherwise, through indifference, as to the plight of the masses, the Negro, who thinks that he has escaped, will lose his own soul.

* A race transformation itself through its own leaders and its sensible “common people.” A race rises on its own wings, or is held down by its own weight. True leaders are never “things apart from the people.” They are the masses. They simply got to the front ahead of them. Their only business at the front is to inspire to masses by hard work and noble example and challenge them to “Come on!”

* There must arise within the Negro race a leadership that is not out hunting bargains for itself. A noble example is found in the men and women of the Negro race, who, in the early days, laid down their lives for the people. Their invaluable contributions have not been appraised by the “latter-day leaders.” In many cases, their names would never be recorded, among the unsung heroes of the world, but for the fact that white friends have written them there.

* The Negro of today does not realize that, but, for these exhibits A’s, that certainly show the innate possibilities of members of their own race, white people would not have been moved to make such princely investments in lives and money, as they have made, for the establishment of schools and for the on-going of the race.

12. The Negro Must Stop Forgetting His Friends. “Remember.”

* The American Negro has had and still has friends–in the North and in the South. These friends not only pray, speak, write, influence others, but make unbelievable, unpublished sacrifices and contributions for the advancement of the race–for their brothers in bonds.

* The noblest thing that the Negro can do is to so live and labor that these benefactors will not have given in vain. The Negro must make his heart warm with gratitude, his lips sweet with thanks and his heart and mind resolute with purpose to justify the sacrifices and stand on his feet and go forward. Get to work! That’s the answer to everything that hurts us. We talk too much about nothing instead of redeeming the time by working.

R-E-M-E-M-B-E-R

* In spite of race prejudice, America is brim full of opportunities. Go after them!

~ The saddest thing about this article that I found interesting is that this was written in 1900 and unfortunately it still applies today.....in other words, negros have yet to change in over 100 years.~

Ignorance is Bliss?

2008-05-20T14:56:00.002-04:00

I recently returned back to Baltimore to visit family and friends before I take my leave to Las Vegas for the summer. I leave for Vegas in less than 48 hours. I'm more than estatic to be going to Vegas even though the process of getting there has been such a huge headache. However, it's during these transition periods in my life that I always feel conflicted. It's true that Baltimore is my home--it was here that I was born and raised--but at the same time, I have this strong urge to permantly leave it behind. I feel that leaving Baltimore behind is necessary for my sanity, success, and overall happiness. However, I feel guilty about it. I feel like I'm turning on my city, on my friends, and on my family. I never liked arrogant, boogee bitches who walk around thinking they are better than everyone but at the same time I got to do me.

When I say that I want to leave Baltimore behind, I literally mean that I will eventually permantly cut off everyone from home...including family. When I finish my Masters and relocate, I plan to change my number and not let anyone have it. This includes the mother, the father, and the list goes on and on. I'm makin ghost. As of now, including those who I know outside of Baltimore, everyone is on my May 2011 spring cleaning hit list. Come May 2011, everyone is getting the boot (maybe except two people). That's my planned graduate school graduation date.

I'm not bitter or anything but as I said, I feel it's what needs to be done. It is what it is. I refuse to have alot of negativity in my life. I'm all for the peace, happiness, and a high quality of life and I'm learning that if you ain't with me then you are against me. The most anyone who I know now can ask from me is a letter without a return address (yall think I'm playin when I say I'm going to be ghost...I've done it before, I'd do it again...I'm flightly like that).

I hold no real grudges. I do not think that people in Baltimore are bad people. I am a person from Baltimore. By saying Baltimorians are bad people then I would have to include myself in the mix. I understand the Bmore culture but I have outgrown it. Home is what you make it and I'm upgrading from an apartment to a mansion. Baltimore is the apartment, the U.S. is my mansion. Both are home.

I think that there is a cultural ignorance that you adapt when you live in Baltimore. I can sit up here and whine and complain about how my parents and my friends have not been on point as much as I want them to be, but at the same time, I have to remind myself that it's Baltimore. People are not necessarily inherentlly selfish. Rather, they are ignorant. There are things that living in the Baltimore Box keep you away from because culturally, many of the things that should be valued are undervalued and many of the things that are undervalued should be valued. This is what a Baltimorian is taught...and if you do not know anything a part from how you were born and raised, then you are a victim of a faulty system. But regardless of how much you feel like a victim and how much you feel like flippin the bird at life, ignorance is ignorance.

Ignorance is ignorance and certainly not bliss. The majority of the people I know in Baltimore are unhappily ignorant. Ignorance is bliss if you live a life sheltered from the bad things, but ignorance is your worst enemy if you live a life sheltered from the good things.

Regardless of whether or not you are a victim of a faulty system, does not mean you have to stay within the system, visit, or take it with you. If the system is fautly then you either must work to rebuild it or you have to find a new system. I have tried my best to influence my fellow Baltimorians to get their acts together, but they always push back with full resistance. I have tried my best to be supportive and to be a good, loving, and loyal friend. But it has not been reciprocated because it's hard for them to understand where I'm comin from because they do not know how it feels to be on top.

Case in point number 1: Choosing Dick over Money

When I'm outside of Baltimore, it's rare for people to consistently talk about gettin' pussy and gettin' dick. People talk about it but it does not become the forefront of their life. In Baltimore on the other hand, you cannot get away from those type of conversations to save your life. I loooveee to talk about sex but there is a difference between sex being at the forefront of your mind vs. sex being at the forefront of your life. Some people literally live to fuck.

I recently told one of my sister's homegirls that she needs to stop focusing on dick all the time. Every time I turn around this chic says "I have no life, I need some dick". Since when did dick become the new way to get a life? I looked at her and told her "why not focus on getting money?" Both her and another homegirl replied that they both get money and get dick. When they said this it was apparent they do not know what "get money" meant considering one chic didn't even have $5.00 to put in her gas tank and the other one consistently complained about starving.

Choosing dick over money is why there are so many kids running around without responsible mommies and daddies. Getting fucked right is a bigger priority than finding financial stability or building a solid relationship. And having sex is not "getting dick"...anyone can have sex. To me, getting dick is keeping dick meaning you are in a good relationship where you get fucked right on the regular and do not have to share with anyone else.

Case in point number 2: Looking Down on those who are Looking Up

I'm starting to understand why many entertainers are always talkin, singing, and writin about haters and "people who do not believe in them". I always thought that their little violin sob story was a bit redundant and overemphasized until I started walkin in their shoes. When you are on top, everyone comes at you. They try to tear you a part like a vulture at dinner time (I'll get into specifics in my next entry because there is a lot of shit with this).

Case in point number 3: Gender roles are still stuck in the 20s

A guy with endurance is considered a man but a woman with endurance is considered an arrogant bitch. A rich, successful, single guy is considered a person who is really doin it up. A rich, successful, single woman is considered smart but lonely. Oh, the double standards we live.

I am a woman who knows I'm going to be rich and successful. But that does not mean that I'm going to be lonely. A woman does not have to give up love and children to be a financial success. If men can do it, women can do it. And just because a gal is against marriage doesn't mean she's against being in a relationship or against having "friends". Financially successful women tend to have more established, solid relationships.

Back in Bmore Baby!

2008-05-18T23:03:00.001-04:00

I'm in Baltimore until the this upcoming Thursday, the 22nd. I'll update my blog when I get to Vegas....

Get At Me!